CrimeBeat!: Drafticipation Edition

OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Chief Asshat is now sitting. God save the Commentariat and this Sport we love and revile.

We have fresh-squeezed JUSTICE to serve out by the ladlefull! BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

THE NFL DRAFT

CHARGE: Undue delay, intentional infliction of emotional ennui

It’s about 10 days until the first day of three days of the NFL Draft. Which is still fucking stupid. I want to know, at the end of the first day, who my team’s first three picks are, because those are the ones that I can feel kid-at-Hanukkah excited about for the coming year. The more they are spaced out, the less enthusiasm I can carry through the weekend to tide me over until I see them get horrifically injured in training camp.

I get the desire for ratings. I get wanting the “exposure” of having two prime time slots. Because that’s what the NFL is lacking: exposure. It’s like when I drive across the barren and tractless voids of southern Illinois or Kentucky or Mizzourah (not the same as Missouri- trust me), and I see a giant billboard that just says “JESUS” in big letters.

Thusly. Please note this is the Illinois side of the river.

And I think “I’m pretty sure name-recognition isn’t the thing holding you back, big guy.” Or maybe the billboard is just really, really shocked. I dunno.

Either way, I’m having a little trouble getting as excited for this draft as I normally would. It may be that real life has been so nuts that I can’t spare the emotional energy for it. It may be that there are not a lot of anticipated franchise-changing talents likely to go in the first round, like the 2013 “You get an offensive lineman! And YOU get an offensive lineman! EVERYBODY GETS OFFENSIVE LINEMEN!” Draft. Or it may be that I have no faith that my Bills will be able to do anything other than tread water at 9-7 or 8-8 with no playoff appearance.

But the reality I keep coming back to is this: the NFL and its trained mediahounds really only have one setting when it comes to the draft, and it’s JON-GRUDEN-ON-SPEED-AND-MOLLY STOKED! Every uncertainty is a HUGE QUESTION, every smokescreen statement by a general manager is a BIG HINT, and every prospect MIGHT BE A GAME-CHANGER FOR THE RIGHT SCHEME!!!!!!! Plenty of Deep Thinkpieces have been written over the last 10/15 years about the rise of the “draft expert” and what a big thing the draft has become. But not content to simply maintain the “I have inside info, I am brilliant, listen to me” authoritative tone previously established, the mainstream media appears to have collectively decided that they are going to make up for the relative lack of compelling story lines by SHOUTING EVERYTHING UP UNTIL WE THINK IT’S A HUMONGOUS BIG THING YOU GUYS! It’s the same approach TMZ uses when it doesn’t have exclusive tape of Urkel fucking a wombat or whatever. OMG YOU GUYS! TWO REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE HAVING A “BEEF” OVER WHO STOLE WHOSE BIKINI WAXER!!!!

And I may eat these words in few years, but I can’t help but feel that Goff and Wentz are just two more housewives. They are the story of the draft (other than Robert Nkemdiche, who shall heretofore be referred to as The Defenestrator). And they’re not worth it. If the analysts would just say “it’s a deep but unflashy class where a third-rounder could emerge as the best player,” I think I would be more engaged than I am in the face of the Shouty Digital Media Marketing Blitz. Plenty of others have said it before, but it always bears repeating at this time of year: pour one out for the too-long absence of Paul Zimmerman’s voice and measured, analytical approach to the sport.

HOUSTON TEXANS

CHARGE: Desertion, Conduct Unbecoming, Impersonating an NFL Franchise

Despite the fact that they are an urban legend, therefore making it a bit like charging the Giant Sewer Gators with disorderly conduct, the Houston Texans have still managed to make this week’s list for allegedly cutting Brian Hoyer. Brian Hoyer, who has gone from undrafted free agent to playoff quarterback. Brian Hoyer, the chrome-domed embodiment of the concept that, with a little luck and a lot of determination, anyone can become their own Country.

Despite posting his best season last year (19 TD, 7 Int), the former Michigan State product (where he earned Scout Team Offensive Player of the Week honors twice) was callously and thoughtlessly cast aside by Bob McNair and his shadowy, power-mad advisor Rick Smith. Just because the team went out and spent $75 million dollars on a younger, less provenly-mediocre quarterback doesn’t mean that this poor, bedraggled, unwanted child of a lesser of God should be thrown out into the cold world, waiting for his inevitable and tragic end.

“I’ve…seen…things you people wouldn’t believe. I’ve seen the river on fire off the Factory of Sadness. I watched supermodel’s lingerie glittering in the dark near Tom Brady’s Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears…in…rain. Time to die.”

Seriously though- mostly I’m upset because it allegedlly puts another quasi-competent starting quarterback on the market for the Jets to pick up. I’ve given up on the concept that my Bills will challenge the Patriots for the division while Darth Hoodie’s credit remains good with Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. But a close second, and maybe a Wild Card berth? These are achievable goals IF the Dolphins remain the Dolphins and the Jets continue to Jets themselves. By sticking with Ryan Tannehill, the Dolphins have done their part. But for my peace of mind– indeed, for the good of Football Humor Blogs as a whole– I need to see “NYJ NAME GENO SMITH STARTING QUARTERBACK” scrolling across the bottom of the TV screen.

So please, Brian Hoyer- take this opportunity to re-evaluate your career plans. Realize that you’ve made $10 million by the time you’re 30. Realize that your brain is probably still mostly intact, despite playing behind both the Browns’ and the Texans’ offensive lines. And realize that, when push came to shove, a professional football team chose to keep Brandon Frickin’ Weeden instead of you. It’s time to hang up the cleats and the scalp-razor. The cosmos is talking to you, Brian- heed its call and help doom the Jets.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.

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Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

This game is some great end-to-end action.

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

If you can read this without crying you’ve got stony soil in your heart:

“I’m going to vent right now. My grandson who is in second grade and has had at least 5 skull expansion surgeries, is slower then the other kids in his class. However, he is the kindest, most compassionate kid I know. His mother sent 30 invitations to his class. 12 said they were coming. At, 3 o’clock he made sure his goodie bags were ready for his friends, he was dressed and ready to party. At 5:00 p.m. he was still sitting there not wanting to cut his cake because one person might show up. When my daughter called the 12 parents to find out what was going on. Here is their response. My child can’t play with yours he is just to different. How sad he is 9 he just wants to have friends. So no one came, no cards, no presents. So, it is my mission to have as many cards as I can mailed to my little guy. You can send them to me and I’ll make sure he gets them….this breaks my heart.
Gerald Hamilton
c/o Amelia Lara
238 Main Street
Hobart, IN 46342”

Send the kid a card. I just wish I’d known about this sooner.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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blaxabbath
Member

This stupid fucking world.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

“Bill O’Reilly was almost seething about the ‘race hustlers’ who refuse to recognize that O’Reilly’s contempt for African Americans, whom O’Reilly described as ‘ill educated’ and having ‘tattoos on their forehead’ is just a reflection of his integrity. Or something.”

Hmmm…ill educated with tattoos on their foreheads…where have I seen that before?

OH RIGHT

This is the GIS for “forehead tattoos:”

https://www.google.com/search?q=forehead+tattoos&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi4n57ayJvMAhXCoD4KHdMsAokQ_AUIBygB&biw=1280&bih=610

You’ll notice that out of the first 50 images only 3 of the individuals are not obviously Caucasian. One has “GOD” as her forehead tat and one has “DRAKE.” Lady Drake appears multiple times in the GIS because she has “DRAKE” tattooed on her forehead.

Those may not be the best life decisions one could make, but to me they beat the fuck out of this:

http://www.tattoobite.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/bad-forehead-tattoo-design.jpg

IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

While on the subject of criminal behavior, this is a good look at Philadelphia fandom.

http://deadspin.com/on-philadelphia-fans-1771756748

The money quote:

“Ryan White on #Flyers fans throwing wristbands: ‘Whatever. I love the Philly fans. I’d have done it too.'”

Neanderthalism cycles back to neanderthalism, rinse, repeat.

It’s TCOBL way!

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Don’t listen to this lunatic, Hoyer!

SIGN WITH THE STEELERS

Backup money is plenty good these days and you’ve really only proven yourself to be effective in relief.

Do the right thing.

The lower the expectations, the easier it is to exceed them!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Fun fact: “Beatcrime” is what Kellen Winslow Jr. was charged with.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

“Elitecrime” is what Joe Flacco has been perpetrating on Ravens’ ownership for the past 3 seasons.

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

ANOTHER PITHY ZINGER

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That goes perfectly with the school joke below.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe I should have labia’ed that joke for later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Speaking of reply fail.

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

“Paul Zimmerman’s voice and measured, analytical approach to the sport.”

You really have to feel for the guy as he helplessly watches his life’s work undone by the PKs, Kipers, and Rovells of the world.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Draft expert: Someone who worked at ESPN when the draft became a thing.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

ESPN could save some costs if they used the same guy as the Bracketologist in Feb/March and the Draft Expert in April/May. Their results COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE ANY WORSE.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

My emotional state is more malaise than ennui.

http://www.rebelyid.com/wp-content/uploads/malaise.jpg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

“OMG YOU GUYS! TWO REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE HAVING A “BEEF” OVER WHO STOLE WHOSE BIKINI WAXER!!!!”

“Tell me more about this beef!” – Andy Reid

“GrumblegrumbleIcouldsolvetheirbeefproblemgrumblegrumble” – Overheard from an oddly dark corner on an otherwise sunny day

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Curtains?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s try again:

Maybe I should have labia’ed that joke for later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I also enjoy the guy they punch holes in who is a reach with character issues and a slow 40 who turns out to be an all pro.

These expertz never get shit for being completely wrong, but the teams who pick the players Kiper loved him some Manzeil I believe.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*These expertz never get shit for being completely wrong, but the teams who pick the players do; they pay for a bad high round pick for years

Kiper loved him some Manzeil I believe.

That was how it was supposed to read…. fail.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

I think that billboard is just the first of 3 in a row that list the Alou brothers.

Don T
Member

Ah, Brian Hoyer: hovering somewhere within the Ryan Fitzpatrick – Matt Cassel career spectrum.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

That seems a little high.

I was thinking more of the Wynn-Frerotte tier.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That seems about right if you look at his games with the Texans. The two game where he was HORRIBLE; the Pats and his only playoff start against the Chefs. He is fine for an inexpensive backup, but you don’t want him starting for an extended period of time or in a playoff game. I disregarded his Cleveland stats because Cleveland. So with today’s dearth of QB talent in the NFL; STARTER!

indieguy
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indieguy

“With a little luck and a lot of determination, anyone can become their own Country.” Tell that to anyone south of the mason dixon line.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s spelled with less letters.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

“it’s a deep but unflashy class where a third-rounder could emerge as the best player,”

EXACTLY!

–Stan Kroenke

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath
Member

Seriously, is there nothing the NFL can’t deny?

monty this seems strange to me
Member

/blaxabbath is stripped of 2 draft picks.

jjfozz
Member

Speaking of Hanukah excitement, every Christmas our best friends would come over to celebrate, and their kids would tell us we had it so good because we got all of the presents at one time. Conversely, we were amazed that they didn’t like getting presents every night for a week.

Also, Mel Kiper went to my high school. Not sure if I’m proud about that.

Finally, I would like to start a content here at DFO. Basically we each pick one hopeful draft candidate and then start a rumor about him. Whoever has the rumor that gets the most traction wins, and at the same time we can ruin someone’s life. Think about it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What was MK,jr.’s hair like in HS?

jjfozz
Member

He was before my time – apparently he was a little bit of a nerd.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was hoping you looked him up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that is Susan Norman. Common mistake. Here is Mel’s daughter Lauren… apparently.

http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/replicate/EXID22560/images/lauren-conrad-style-guide.jpg

prolly not true either.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Isn’t that Lauren Conrad?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The picture was labeled Lauren Kiper, Mel’s daughter. Googlist say Conrad… either way he is not the father.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Mrs. Jay Cutler knows damn well that pic is of LC

blaxabbath
Member

High School Mel would come to you before first period and tell you the answers to the test in 3rd period were: A,D,D,C,C,A,B just to have you sit down to discover that the teacher is giving an essay exam.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I googlebinged it and it came back with this. Pleasantly surprised and will stop the search.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4R0zvrVAoXw/TsX4l1gJ-hI/AAAAAAAAAdo/72tfK7e_K-8/s1600/oklahoma-state-university-cowboys-cheerleaders-38.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

Yep, pretty much.

I hated everything about Christianity and my Jewish friends hated everything about Judaism.

Greener grass et&c et&c

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I love Crimebeat!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is that when it is too close to a school?