“Drafting For Character” and Other Spectacular Draft Lies

TOP IMAGE from “Great Lies to Tell Small Kids” by Andy Riley. Highly recommended book.

SO HERE WE ARE! It’s hours until the draft starts (then stops, then starts, then stops, and finally limps over the finish line a few days from now) and except for questions about hand size and the fragility of Myles Jack’s cybernetic knee, it’s been a relatively quiet in terms of likely-bullshit rumors designed to push down a draft prospect’s likely draft position. Usually, the Combine drug tests are the richest vein of such rumors, but since the NFL announced that no one failed their test, we’re left with actual positive tests/arrests/video evidence which have been out for a while and are unlikely to spook even the twitchiest GM at this point. Shit, even The Defenestrator has worked his way back into the first round in most mock-drafts you’ll see- Adam Schefter quoted one team scout as saying his lack of injury from the fall showed he had good knees and a low center of gravity.

Not really, but you believed it for a moment, didn’t you?

Laremy Tunsil’s stepfather tried his damnedest to inject some life by filing a civil suit yesterday against the Former Lock Number One Pick, but the timing is so transparent and ridiculous that it’s not going to change anyone’s mind like the whiff of murder might.

So anyway, per someone’s suggestion on one of the open threads, let’s see what horrifying slide-inducing rumors we can come up with. Bonus points if it involves Darren Rovell getting sodomized by an industrial implement.

*Jalen Ramsey (CB, Florida State): Police now investigating two-year-old Jalen’s whereabouts on the night of JonBenet Ramsey’s death. “I don’t care if he wasn’t even potty-trained; get me a confession, damnit!” Boulder County Sheriff Joe Pelle was overheard telling his investigators.

*Joey Bosa (LB/DE, THE Ohio State University): Has evidenced an interest in going into the family business. Thinks the next NFLPA head should send a coupla guys over to see Ziggy Wilf, maybe see if proper fire safety precautions were taken at his lovely new stadium. Inquiring about which member of the Bowlen family would be most disturbed to wake up with John Elway’s head in his or her bed.

*Paxton Lynch (QB, Memphis): Scored a 40 on the WunderBrah Test at the Combine, the highest score since Johnny Manziel and only two points behind all-time leader Cade McNown. Thinks he can pull off the Tony Stark/Jack Sparrow beard-mustache combo, suggesting poor judgment. Named “Paxton”.

*Carson Wentz (QB, North Dakota State A&M Tech): Four dead hookers. Parts of four, anyway.

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