Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 35)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: An island jungle. Covalent Blonde is running through the foliage, carrying Yeah Right piggyback, with King Hippo lumbering behind.

King Hippo: Keep running, you guys! They’re gettin’ closer!

Covalent Blonde: We could be going faster, if I didn’t have to carry Wounded Knee here.

Yeah Right: I said I was sorry! I’ve never been skydiving before…I didn’t know the ground would be so hard!

King Hippo: C’mon…they’re right on our tail!

The trio disappear through the bushes. All is quiet in the jungle for a moment. Suddenly a dozen ninjas burst through the trees, swords swinging and nunchaku spinning. They sprint after the DFOers and disappear into the brush. Another moment passes, and then a grotesquely fat ninja waddles through the bushes. He huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath.

Fat Ninja (breathing hard): Hey, guys…I’m just gonna rest here for a minute, okay?

The fat ninja sits on the leafy jungle floor, loosening his ninja mask and breathing heavily. He then sprawls out, his barely-fitting ninja outfit literally bursting at the seams. Within moments his heavy breathing turns into a soft snoring. Then it becomes a loud snore. A capuchin monkey descends from a tree cautiously and climbs up onto the fat ninja. It clambers over his prone form, then steals his nunchaku and escapes up into the trees.

Cut to: Several hours later. Covalent Blonde and Yeah Right are disguised as ninjas. They are escorting King Hippo at sword-point through a massive complex. Other ninjas march through the complex or stand guard, ignoring the trio. As they head for an elevator a small drone flies down and shines a small light on King Hippo. He roars at it and, with a frightened beeping it flies off. Covalent Blonde and Yeah Right give King Hippo an annoyed glance, but he just shrugs. They enter an elevator, which takes them to a security office. Several ninjas stand guard, but the ninja in charge approaches them with a glare.

Head Ninja: Where are you taking this…thing?

Yeah Right: Prisoner transfer from cell block 4-20?

Head Ninja: I was not notified…I’ll have to clear it.

The head ninja motions a pair of ninja guards, and they approach the trio, swords drawn. Suddenly King Hippo bursts free of his loose bonds, picks up the two ninjas, and smashes them together.

Covalent Blonde (yelling): Look out! He’s loose!

As the other ninjas draw their weapons King Hippo charges. He has an unconscious ninja in each massive hand and uses them as makeshift weapons, swinging them to and fro and scattering their comrades. Covalent Blonde throws several shuriken, taking out the room’s cameras, then backflips off the security console as the head ninja swings his sword at her. She flips over his head, spins in mid-air, and knocks him out with a roundhouse kick.

Yeah Right (approaching the beeping security console): Great job, you guys! You go find the secret weapon, I’ll hold them here!

Covalent Blonde (looking at all the unconscious ninjas): Hold who? We took them all out already.

Yeah Right (pointing to the security console): Well, I could answer that…

Covalent Blonde: No! You just stay here, don’t touch anything…and I mean anything…and Hippo and I will be back in a few minutes.

Covalent Blonde and King Hippo run down the security corridor and out of sight. The security console continues beeping. Yeah Right glances down the hallway, then approaches the console.

Yeah Right (scanning the console): That’s really annoying. There’s gotta be some way to shut that beeping off…

Yeah Right frowns, then sees a knob on the console. He reaches for it and accidentally flips a switch. A voice comes over the speaker.

Voice: What happened? What’s going on up there?

Yeah Right: Oops…ummm…gee, well, we had a slight…weapons malfunction? But we’re okay now.

Voice: Weapons malfunction? We’re only issued melee weapons. What kind of malfunction could those have?

Yeah Right: Um…shockingly low fracture toughness?

Voice: I’m sending a squad up.

Yeah Right: Negative! Umm…we have a reactor leak…very dangerous. Give me a few minutes to lock it down.

Voice: Reactor leak? We’re on geo-thermal power here. Haven’t you noticed the huge frickin’ volcano out there? Who is this anyway?

Yeah Right looks around nervously, then grabs a sword and drives it through the speaker.

Yeah Right (calling down the highway): Guys…? Guys, I, um, think we may have some company soon…

Covalent Blonde (yelling, from out of sight down the hallway): Seriously? Didn’t I tell you not to touch anything?

Yeah Right (ashamed): Yeah, but…

Covalent Blonde (her voice fading as she goes further away): I swear, the next time Zymm asks me who we might be able to do without for a few months, your name’s at the top of the list!

King Hippo (his voice also fading): Aww, give the little guy a break.

Covalent Blonde (barely audible): I’ll give him a break, all right! I’ll break every bone in his scrawny little…

Cut to: Later still. Covalent Blonde, strapped to a metal table, a yuuuuge laser pointed at her. At the controls of the laser is the man they’ve come to stop…the nefarious Professor Po.

Professor Po: So, Covalent Blonde, I have you, and soon I will have your friends as well!

Covalent Blonde: Do you expect me to talk?

Professor Po: No, Covalent Blonde, I expect you to die!

Suddenly a capuchin monkey comes scrambling into the room, nunchaku gripped in his tiny paws. Professor Po reaches down and picks up the monkey.

Professor Po: Why, Bun-bun, what do you have there?

Bun-bun (handing over the nunchaku): Eep-eep!

Professor Po (reading the inscription on the nunchaku): “Property of Don Po.”

Professor Po sighs and sits down in a chair near the laser controls.

Covalent Blonde: Problems…?

Professor Po: Oh, you know how it is. You hire family, and when they don’t work out, you’re the bad guy.

Covalent Blonde (wryly): Well, in this case…

Professor Po (ignoring her): Last time it was my cousin, and he drank on the job. This time it’s my nephew, and he’s just not up to company standards. He doesn’t take his job seriously, shows up late, thinks he’s entitled to special treatment just because I’m the boss around here…

Covalent Blonde: Millenials, amirite?

Professor Po (sighing): You really are. Why, I had to work hard for everything I ever got. I took over my first third-world country when I was just twenty-three! I’d like to see any of these kids today try that, especially without Tweeting about it.

Covalent Blonde: Or taking selfies…

Professor Po: Gah! Don’t get me started! A whole generation, wrapped up in one giant bubble of narcissism. Look…

Covalent Blonde: Yes?

Professor Po (waving the nunchaku): I’ve got a lot on my plate today. Do you mind if we do the whole “killing you with a giant laser” thing tomorrow?

Covalent Blonde: Sure, I don’t have anything better to do.

Professor Po (pulling out a daily planner and leafing through it): Say around two-ish?

Covalent Blonde: I don’t see why not.

Professor Po (slapping shut the daily planner): Great! I have to tell you, I really appreciate this…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

A ninja comes bursting in.

Professor Po: Steve, I told you I was not to be disturbed…

Steve the Ninja: Sorry, oh munificent one, but I thought you should know…

Professor Po: Yes?

Steve the Ninja: Our scanners have spotted an RV, oh unflinching leader, and it’s headed this way.

Professor Po (annoyed): Yes, yes, well that is certainly news, isn’t it? No doubt it’s a couple of snowbirds who took a wrong turn and…

Covalent Blonde, Bun-bun and Steve the Ninja all look at Professor Po expectantly.

Professor Po (as it begins to dawn on him): Wait…an RV?

Steve the Ninja: Yes, oh gracious and benevolent one.

Professor Po: But, Steve…we’re on an island…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Spanky DatassMoose -The End Is Well NighJerBear50Covalent Blondejjfozz Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

One of my favorites!

Covalent Blonde

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This is decidedly how I picture this looking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Of course I have a lot of trouble focusing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Last night, Fozz Spawn #1 said, “Dad, I am NOT explaining this soccer tournament to you again!”

Guess who didn’t get the app for his iPad that he wanted? Just guess.

Little shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“#venture%20brothers%20gif%20400×275 “!!!!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should add that pond outside is again 90 degrees. I am gonna stay between my 2 fans with air conditioning keeping me at 60 degrees

theeWeeBabySeamus

We’ve got a pool and pond.
The pond would probably be good for you, though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I said Zymm was ranked second favorite on here, WBS just jumped over Zymm with that comment

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’M NOT NUMBER TWO!!!!!
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(hot hot hot hot hot hot)

Fronkenshteen

Love this Czech goalkeeper. FEARLESS!

http://i.makeagif.com/media/6-17-2016/ctbDLv.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

So I know King Hippo Roaring is clear reference to Chewbacca, but I’m assuming he makes the same noise as King Hippo from punch out wii?

https://youtu.be/HvYC7fQTl-k

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really got nothing to do today. One more. I want to do yardwork but it is just a pond outside.

http://a3.files.maxim.com/image/upload/c_fit,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,h_1200,q_80,w_1200/MTM1MTQ2MTk0MTY2MzIzNjc4.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I posted too many Kate Uptons. Enjoy an Erica Cerra

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JerBear50
JerBear50

Too many Kate Uptons is not a real thing.

blaxabbath
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I made it to 7, I am not saying I won’t continue later

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really have nothing to do right now. I might spam 25 of them

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oh, shit, I promised 50. I will do my best

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I promised 30 Kate Upton pics. I feel I should at least make it halfway there

http://cdn.inquisitr.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Kate-Upton-Uncensored-Topless-Horse-Photo-Leaked.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
nomonkeyfun

Oh, no she got in the water. Here comes the tsunami.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should have thought about that, That was my bad

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know to what degree this was inspired by The Incredibles, but I’ve always held the belief that Mr. Incredible’s “powers” are that he’s the ultimate football player.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Doktor Zymm

Can I keep the volcano lair once we kick the baddies out? I’ve always wanted a good volcano lair. It’s really one of the best places for a lair. You just can’t beat a thermal spring hot tub.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I think out of everyone. Zymm deserves a Volcano lair

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I rank all of you based oin the gifs you post. WCS wins and the rest of you are second by a lot. I absolutely love Zymm so she gets bonus points without having to try

blaxabbath
Covalent Blonde

Fair. Fair enough. The first island we come across shaped like a spider is fucking mine, tho!
http://i56.tinypic.com/wrkyl0.jpg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Covalent Blonde

Bwahahahaha!

Doktor Zymm

I’m thinking DFO lair archipelago!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Hey, MTWV.

That Sofia Vergara gif is mesmerizing.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just have done nothing for the night. I got an hour of sleep but that was it

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’ve done that way too often. I went to bed at 2-2:30. I’m already regretting that.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Total fatty. How could anyone like this

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I mentioned how Wisconsin acted more like Wisconsin recently. It is over 80 and 100% humidity again at like 9:30

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I know i need to mow my lawn because it is 6 inches tall but every blade of grass is covered in dew and the yard is just a pit of wet mud. I am ignoring where my sump pump just makes my yard a water filled mess

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
blaxabbath

What a super lady.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I had like 50 Kate Upton pics ready last night. I got to use like 3. You are getting them this morning

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laserguru

The wounded knee thing hit a little close to home.

Well done!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Me, too.”

–RGIII

monty this seems strange to me

Am I the only one who assumed the fat ninja was going to be Peter King?

nomonkeyfun

I thought it was going to be Haynesworth.
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blaxabbath
jjfozz

I was hoping it was Chris Farley, who faked his own death to continue the lifestyle in discovered in Beverly Hills Ninja.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I assumed it was me

monty this seems strange to me

It was probably Kate Upton

JerBear50
JerBear50

Yeah right will from now on be an extremely profane Harrison Ford when I read Sunday Gravy. Everyone have a nice weekend.

monty this seems strange to me

This week’s Sunday Gravy features those little snack bars that Luke has on Dagoba when Yoda is rifling through his stuff.

laserguru

I’m glad the extremely profane part is coming across.
I really work on that part of my motherfucking game.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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