Your “What? This Clown?!” Monday Open Thread

Evenin’, y’all. Mom’s on her plane, so it’s back atcha with the north-of-the-border open thread topics.

NFL News:

  • Arian Foster landed in Miami. It’s reportedly a one-year deal worth $1.5 million with $2 million in incentives.
  • Justin Durant landed in Dallas, thanks to Rolando McLain’s suspension. Even though it’s most likely a minimum deal with incentives, it’s still one more year towards pension eligibility.
  • The Bills are reportedly talking to Reggie Bush. Given Karlos Williams’ suspension, it makes sense to have a solid veteran on staff, and is a much more plausibe excuse that simply signing him so Rex could ask about Kim’s feet.
  • A fairly long piece on Matt Forte talks about a lot of things. What I find fascinating is that, even now, he stands by Jay Cutler.
  • Eddie Lacy has had to go back on the P90X just before training camp opens. My question is, Is he taking weight off to make the team, or making room for his Green Bay diet?
  • Charles Tillman retired today after 13 seasons. He will probably get some votes for a gold jacket.

It happened during my time off, but I’d like to think that John Elway tricked Pat Bowlen into saying, “This one’s for Von!”

Finally, not football related, but definitely geared towards the Patriots, St. Louis Cardinals former scouting director Chris Correa was sentenced to 46 months federal time in Houston for accessing the Astros computer network while working for the Cardinals. It would only be a better story if it happened to the Yankees or Red Sox. Florio chooses this instance to remind his loyal “readers” that the NFL has warned teams and employees to never, never do this, because it might result in more federal scrutiny of League practices. And we all know how Rog treats people who bring The Shield into disrepute.

There’s no sports of note tonight. Mets vs Cubs is the national game on ESPN. There’s only the Republican Convention, and all the earnest ridiculousness that goes along with it. There has already been one attempt to free delegates to vote freely, but that was suppressed. Procedural arguing – the hallmark of the Republican Party!

And such presences. Live broadcasts! Colbert + Jon Stewart! The Daily Show all four days! If you want the mud, Gawker has you covered. Their story on “Bikers for Trump” has a decidely ‘Altamont meets The Factory’ flavour to it.

I enjoy the fact that the police are so spooked, they actually asked the Governor (who, remember, was once a candidate for this fiasco) to suspend the state’s “open carry” laws. But tennis balls have been banned, so the WTA won’t be able to attend.

A sideshow I’m watching – what will Fox promote? They haven’t been totally pro-Trump, but with Roger Ailes reportedly on his way out, how will that tint the coverage? So much drama.

Yessir – it promises to be a fun five days.

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You really can’t make the case for embezzlement; 93% of the company’s funds were completely untouched!”

– Chris Christie

Porky Prime

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN BOYS?

Unsurprised

Doing well. Watching people shit themselves over nothing.

Wakezilla

Underpaid and over worked.

Wakezilla

Oddly enough, I once randomly strolled across this particular scene. It was funny.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

An interesting thing is seeing which news sources avoid using the word “plagiarism”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WHICH ONES?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Flagging this piece one more time before I go to bed:

http://www.vox.com/2016/7/18/12210500/diagnosed-dysfunction-republican-party

Unsurprised

“A Clinton victory could inspire a return to the old playbook”

No, it won’t. The old regime is dead and it will never return.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do you think Melania Trump just googled “first lady convention speech” and just used the very first link?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sounds like a good plan to me!”

– Russell Wilson

Gratliff

“Sounds like a good plan to me!”

– Melania Trump

FTFY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

CLOSE THE DOOR POT! YER LETTIN’ ALL THE SMOKE OUT!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

So?

There were so many direct lies that Bush himself made that were used against him in 2004 and no one cared.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is just a fucking link to some fucking information. Jesus.

Unsurprised

Closing ass is the last thing you want

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Went digging through my laptop bag for an extra pair of contacts. If I ever tell you guys I’m not an optimist, tell me to check how many condoms I packed for a short trip.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Don’t fucking judge me! I LIKE to watch myself do math in the mirror!”

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5031/7398591582_37bf3c956f_z.jpg

Brick Meathook

Wow, Moose & Mr. Ayo post it twice, and I can’t post it once. I wan’t all inquiries to be had.

Brick Meathook

wan’t?

i’m a better speller than that. must be the drugs.

Brick Meathook

[urlcomment image[/img][/url]

Brick Meathook

I am going to kill the fucking internet

Brick Meathook
Mr. Ayo

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

Oh. This is wonderful. Melania stole chunks of Michelle’s speech.
https://twitter.com/ChrisWarcraft/status/755247202214285312

BrettFavresColonoscopy

See, Trump is right about immigrants, all they do is steal from Americans

Gratliff

Welp. /boots up SFPX

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

That’s got to be the banner quote.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Holy fuck.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DFOers may be interested in the last “winner” on this list: http://www.vox.com/2016/7/18/12212612/winners-losers-rnc-day-one

Unsurprised

“Trump is an unusual candidate, and he’s organizing an unusual convention — one featuring fewer politicians and more C-list celebrities than America is used to out of these events. ”

People will watch the celebrities. Everyone hates politicians and no one wants to watch them.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

YOU’RE IGNORING THE BENGHAZI ACROSTIC JOKE!

/Sorry, Brick, all caps is your thing

Unsurprised

Benghazi jokes are so fucked out

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

“Desert Thirsty” is the name of my garage-rock band.

Gratliff

Colbert Report is back!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why is wordpress making me prove I’m a human with math? Can’t discriminate against the GOP by trying to make me prove it with science?

Horatio Cornblower

I had to add to 13.

I barely got in here.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I already blew my wad on a Mark Chmura joke

Mr. Ayo

That’s what comes after orange.

-Trent Green

Gratliff

Jon Stewart made a trump mouth eyes joke! Nightmare fuel time.

Gratliff

MAH BOY JON STEWART

Unsurprised

Oh, God. Once the bar exam ends next week I need to desperately get a job and do so immediately.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Well, that’s assuming you pass the bar.

/probably not helping

Unsurprised

I still need a job regardless

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Good buddy of mine took his law degree and went into government. Great benefits, and he really seems to enjoy it.

Brick Meathook

MOB LAWYER PAYS BEST

Horatio Cornblower

Well, don’t look in the legal field.

Unsurprised

I’d rather not, but I don’t think I have much choice.

Unsurprised

I just finished watching The Shining. I didn’t notice before that Lloyd the bartender was Tyrell in Blade Runner.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just finished some terrible work product. Time for a beer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

That picture is probably a big hit in Oregon, Colorado, (or Wyoming, fuck the both of them) and South Dakota.

Brick Meathook

I honestly don’t know which part of this photo I like best.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For me it comes in at four fetishes.

Brick Meathook

if any of you have ever seen “Gone With The Wind” before, please don’t spoil the ending for me, but I’m pretty sure that Rhett, Ashley, and Scarlett form a threesome and fight crimes in Europe for various royal families, with an intoxicating mix of intrigue and sexually suggestive situations. Co-starring Ward Bond and a young Chad Everett as “Captain Johnson.” (In color)

Sill Bimmons

Not quite. It has a couple twists involving Rhett’s sexuality that really keep you guessing!

Horatio Cornblower

Frankly Brick, you won’t give a damn about the ending.

/Also the North wins.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

/looks at current state of the Congress

Did it…?

Unsurprised

Won the war. Lost the peace. Thanks in large part to Andrew Johnson being a useless piece of shit who should’ve been removed from office.

Fucking Edmund G. Ross

Horatio Cornblower

Aww yeah, Reconstruction jokes! That’s the stuff!

Brick Meathook

Reconstruction jokes are NO MATCH for Indian War jokes. Philip Sheridan had comic timing, and that’s the important thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Where IS Waldo?

comment image

Unsurprised

Wow

Horatio Cornblower

No surprises in Kansas anyway.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

OK, the GOP convention has driven me to drink.

/likes having an excuse

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Who the fuck is Justin Long?

Unsurprised

The hipster Mac guy from Apple’s Mac vs. PC ads. He made John Hodgman seem adorable by comparisom/

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus. This fucking state.

herodotus450

Poor Wyoming. Poor South Dakota.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Rainn Wilson?

OK, I did like him in Cooties.

http://i.makeagif.com/media/10-10-2015/OWBVY-.gif

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Unsurprised

Makes sense given the kinds of porn I found out they make here.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a bunch of hunters in Colorado who were awfully surprised.

Brocky

that’s wyoming

Horatio Cornblower

Oh goddammit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; he’s right: FETISH HUNTERS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

I’m a Dick man in a Cock state.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

What? No schlong? That is one verkakte graph!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Who pays for porn?

Col. Duke LaCross

Idiots in this state.

Sill Bimmons

Fetishists.

Unsurprised

I’ve seen some freaky ass shit on streaming sites, so that kind of scares me.

Horatio Cornblower

So here’s a small slice of my night. I get back from the gym and decide to take the dog for a walk, because after all he’s getting neutered tomorrow and probably won’t be walking anywhere for a couple of days.

As I’m getting back I see a pick-up pull into the school parking lot next to our house, turn around and then “roll coal”, that’s redneck for “make the diesel make a loud noise”, into my driveway.

Naturally I figure it’s one of my son’s friends stopping by, but it’s dark so I can’t be sure.

I get to the driveway and it’s one of MY friend’s trucks. I get into the house and my son leaps out to whisper that two of my friends are down in the basement stealing my beer. So I hide in the back of the truck, planning to rise up and yell “HEY FUCKERS! WHERE ARE WE GOING?!?” as the pull away and probably kill us all, which will at least let me avoid the rest of this election.

I’m out there for about five minutes and my kid comes out and says “Forget it, they started playing pool. But they’re still drinking your beer.” I won two games, drank three beers and am considering a fourth, even though it’s fucking Monday.

I am 47.

Unsurprised

Make sure losers pay

Unsurprised

“Poverty? Drug abuse? Liberals? Who do we drone to end the homeless issue for vets…OH MY GOD ITS SO SIMPLE! We drone the homeless!”

r/Portland is all over that shit.

Unsurprised

I’m not kidding. I’ve never been in a more toxic, antisocial community than the few times I posted in that subreddit. They would just as soon round up all the homeless and ship them to death camps (or maybe just dump them into the river). It turned me into a fucking anti-homeless shithead for a couple of months before I came to my senses.

Gratliff

Oo, Colbert is going all in

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Everyone in the SE and MW was searching for an entirely different sort of cream pie.

But they still jerked it before going back to the fridge.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s damn funny.

Gratliff

Pictured: actual trump supporters

Sill Bimmons

So. Much. Irony.

comment image

Unsurprised

Oregon’s one of the states where actual lesbians are dominating the use of the search term.

Brick Meathook

What’s a “lesbian?”

Wait, I’ll just Google it….

Sill Bimmons

Let us know what you find out!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Some male and trans escorts are going to be able to retire (at least for the year) off this week in Cleveland.

Brick Meathook

I’m watching “Gone With Wind,” an obscure film from 1939 produced by David O. Selznick, directed by George Cukor and Victor Fleming, with cinematography in three-strip Technicolor by Ernest Haller ASC and Ray Rennahan ASC.

Sill Bimmons

Is that the one with the tornado and the little dog? I always liked that one!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Wait, I thought it was the one with Lenny and the rabbits.

Brick Meathook

No, the other 1939 Victor Fleming movie.

Spanky Datass
Beastmode Ate My Baby

Pretty tepid response she’s getting. I think they’re still trying to figure out who the fuck she is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So the hookers in Cleveland (male, female, trans) this is god ($) / (RNC) thing?

While for the local goats and sheep it is just going to be a terrible week all around.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/73706fd2cf6eb02c326f3742b01ad0d1/tumblr_n17tv4JYlf1qgapm9o1_400.gif

Unsurprised

Wanna see funny? The Cleveland craigslist for gay hookups and escorts is undoubtedly busier than it’s ever been.

Unsurprised

Need big anon cock. BNG facefuck me. I host

Want some dick–men in blue take a break

RNC TOPS-Seed a Democrat – m4mm

Masculine Visitor hoping to make a pit-stop at your place – DL/Bi+++ – m4m

Looking 4 A Fuck In A Downtown Hotel – m4m

1 MM Seeking 1 MF in for RNC for Play – – m4w

DOMINATE REPULICAN VISITORS LOOKING FIR SUBMISSIVE (Come the fuck on …)

bi curious college+ GH OPEN

Col. Duke LaCross

Going for the cheap pop there.