Mike Tyson is inside a radio studio, alone. His producer is behind the glass.
MIKE TYSON: *looking at the glass* Turn that thermostat up. Damn!
PRODUCER: *mouthing words, gesticulating to his head*
MIKE TYSON: Speak up! What? *grunts, puts earphones on*
PRODUCER: …to 78, Champ. Oh, he’s here.
JJ Watt walks slowly towards the producer, waves to Tyson
PRODUCER: JJ! Put ‘er ther—OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS…
MIKE TYSON: *throws headphones to the floor* STOP SHOUTING MAN! Tell Watt to get his ass in here.
JJ Watt stiffly enters the studio.
JJ WATT: Mister Tyson, it is an honor to meet…
Watt slowly extends right arm, Tyson clasps it and goes toward Watt for a hug, Watt recoils
JJ WATT: Sorry. I may be coming down with Zika and don’t wanna…
MIKE TYSON: *snorts* You got sultry skin. What do you moisturize with?
JJ WATT: Good, right? It’s not in stores, but the beauty of all BeautiControl prod…
MIKE TYSON: You better start using Ajax on those clammy-ass mitts. I respect pulchritude, but damn! Those hands feel like Jello made out of, of uh… Chrysn… Chryn… Chrysanthemums!
JJ WATT: Huh?
MIKE TYSON: *pointing to the floor* Hand me my headphones, man.
JJ WATT: Uh… *shuffles slowly towards headphones, nudges them three times toward Tyson with his right foot*
MIKE TYSON: *amused* I heard you get Zika from sex or mosquitoes. You ain’t gonna fuck me, right? *bends down, puts headphones on*
JJ WATT: *moves head toward imaginary camera, smiles* Don’t worry Mike. I don’t *direct gaze* bite.
MIKE TYSON: *abruptly puts the other set of headphones on Watt’s head* Let’s start! *to himself* Corny muhfuckah.
PRODUCER: Now JJ, this will be on five second delay, so don’t worry about being too, quote, Realz.
MIKE TYSON: It’s all about repartee, JJ. Re. Par. Tay. Understand?
JJ WATT: *squints, nods, grimaces*
MIKE TYSON: We also take calls. *Pointing to the glass* Hey, you got them callers?
PRODUCER: Sure Champ. Some are already waiting. Sixty seconds!
MIKE TYSON: *sits on chair, adjusts microphone* Hey guy, relax! Grab a chair and position your mike.
JJ WATT: I’m really, really fine. It’s just that… I’ve been kinda sitting all day. I’ll just stand and *slowly stretching hand towards microphone* Unnnnnhh *grabs mike and pushes it almost vertical, cranes neck* NNhhh Ah…
PRODUCER: You OK JJ?
JJ WATT: A… I… PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO…
PRODUCER: Sounds OK, JJ. Don’t lean in so much. Test your mike, Champ.
MIKE TYSON: *gets up, pulls microphone to face* If you stand, I’ll stand. Ain’t no fucking way you gonna talk down to me. MELLIFLUOUS. GARGANTUAN. STAGGERING.
PRODUCER: Hear ya loud and clear Champ. In three, two, one…
Hip hop beat, Tyson swaying with the rhythm, Watt stands very still
IT’S THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH SHOW WITH IRON MIKE TYSON. AND HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP HIMSELF, IRON. MIKE. TYYYYSSSONN.
MIKE TYSON: Wassss…. Up! This is the Undisputed Truth Show with Mike Tyson. I’m Mike Tyson and joining me in the studio is Houston Texans star, JJ Watt.
JJ WATT: It’s an honor and a privilege to be here, Iron Michael.
MIKE TYSON: Psh, *bleep* …formalities man! It’s just Mike now. “Shame is the fruit of my vanities, and remorse, and the clearest knowledge of how the world’s delight is a brief dream”.
VONTAZE BURFICT: *on phone* Oh, Mike. Still quoting Petrarch?
MIKE TYSON: Vontaze! Whadda ya think about my man here JJ Watt?
VONTAZE BURFICT: *Terminator voice* Dang my back.
Tyson and Burfict laugh loudly.
JJ WATT: What the…
VONTAZE BURFICT: I’ll be back on the field before you, Stretch. Tez… OUT.
JJ WATT: Even playing dirty, dude can’t carry my jockstrap. Not even while injured. Did you know that last year I played through tears in my torso, groin…
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: *on phone* My, what a baller. Hear that? That is me making a wanking motion with my free hand.
MIKE TYSON: Oh if it isn’t mister Ben Rothlis… Rothstern… Ben! What are you saying? Are you calling out JJ for fallacious stoicism?
JJ WATT: Who the *bleep* are you to *bleep* talk about…
MIKE TYSON: Yeah Ben. You the king of coy. That “I’m not really that banged up” bull *bleep* to play up heroism is hella hackneyed. ‘Sup with that?
JJ WATT: Yeah! *looks for eye contact* Wad up. Wid. Dat?
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: Oh wait, I’ll put Le’Veon on. Lev! Le’Veon! He was just here. Lev!
MIKE TYSON: Is he missing? Ben? Ben! Call fell through.
JJ WATT: Just like his O-line! Huh? Huh? *moving arm vertically* Up top GAH. Aahhhnnnn…
PEYTON MANNING: *on phone* Hey Mike. Is that a crippled Denzel Washington there in the studio? Because he seems to have Mo’ Bility Blues.
MIKE TYSON: *lingering eye roll* Life treatin’ ya good Peyton?
JJ WATT: I hope you’re not here to offer me some of quote your wife’s quote HGH, Peyton.
PEYTON MANNING: You should try and get some through the back end, JJ.
JJ WATT: You got away just in time to avoid facing me. You must be at peace.
PEYTON MANNING: Watt, I’ll take you on anytime in the spokesperson arena.
JJ WATT: *to the Nationwide theme* ♫Bailed again by my team’s D♫
PEYTON MANNING: Hey 99, you’re more wooden than a Trojan horse.
PRODUCER: *on headphones* WA HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JJ WATT: Are you coming on to me?
PEYTON MANNING: Kidding aside, in 2015 the team carried me, which goes to show that football is the ultimate team sport. You need the eleven guys in all units to perform and contribute. I was lucky to have such a great coaching staff and trainers that allowed my contributions to be just enough to not lose, and rode it to the championship.
MIKE TYSON: *shaking his goddamn head* Any words for JJ, Peyton? .
PEYTON MANNING: Look JJ, you are the best player in your team right now.
JJ WATT: Yes?
PEYTON MANNING: But more important than performance is having the trust of your teammates. They already know you got their back.
JJ WATT: Thank you Peyton. Coming from such a legend and high class former colleague, that means a lot to me.
PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*
PRODUCER: *on headphones* What a pro.
MIKE TYSON: *looking to the floor, smiles* Well look who’s here! I’ve been looking for you all over. You have pets, JJ?
JJ WATT: I love all animals and persons.
MIKE TYSON: Even those at PFT?
JJ WATT: *glares*
MIKE TYSON: I found this lil’ guy when he was just a week old. I fed ‘im corn and chickpeas, mango if he behaves. I named him Voltaire. You know who Voltaire is?
JJ WATT: *moving head slightly* Mmm mmm.
MIKE TYSON: Didja enjoy Candide?
JJ WATT: I like the sweet and sour stuff, but I try to avoid carbs altogether. Let me see this critter. Here Voltron…
MIKE TYSON: He’s over there, by the…
Watt walks gingerly around the desk
MIKE TYSON: There ya go! Say hi to JJ.
JJ WATT: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
MIKE TYSON: When we come back, Josh Gordon will be joining us by phone, Lawrence Taylor will stop by, and we’ll try to get a hold of Le’Veon Bell.
Damaged goods! Talk about a way judgmental term. It’s too loaded; everyone has foibles, some have impediments. (And yet, in every spectrum, Greg Hardy can go to hell.) So, let’s see: extraordinary but mostly unredeemable folks, unstable geniuses, unreliable smooth talkers, prodigies who flamed out prematurely, exhilaration that will change lives for the worse. It may be definitely wrong for you, but makes you feel more alive than anything else. First spin goes to:
Thanks to the Notorious R-T-D for giving me the spot this week. Banner picture via unesco.org; rest from top via celebritiestatooed.com, zimbio.com, and maxim.com.
Morphine : Cure For Pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwN6aM91OTg
STP : Sin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S62Hi8B2l6I
Green Day
Jesus of Suburbia – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA8v3B1SxR0
Redundant – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ydpSVvXE9k
Brain Stew/Jaded – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNq9gmY_Oz4
Social Distortion – Ball and Chain
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_NWjehpGSO0
THESE AFGHAN WHIGS I CALL THEM THE MACHINE GUNS CAUSE THEY CAN FIRE WAY THE HELL MORE THAN JUST TWO SHOTS.
But only two shots followed…
“Like a trash can fire, in a prison cell. Like the searchlights in the parking lots of Hell…”
Neil Young : Needle And The Damage Done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd3oqvnDKQk
Nirvana
-Dumb https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=peclQi67KS8
-Tourettes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wlVdPl-oEmg
Happy, jolly times.
Nice. Let’s upsize to a triple…
Nirvana – Polly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scmOYyBRdy8
Buy three, get the fourth free:
Nirvana – I’m on a Plain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHsfIDl7ONo
Honestly, I think every Nirvana song works for this theme.
Hell, why stop there? Cobain was like a soundtrack for damaged…
Lithium – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHZ9jh7IhkU
Radio Unit Fr… Uh…
the What Is Wrong with Me song
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-LYlfb2hYzw
Third Eye Blind – Semi-Charmed Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyjTrwOMSO4
I’ve always hated that song.
Grateful Dead – Loser
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmUPGgbrGS8
STP – Creep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzT8AoOau1Y
Guster – Perfect
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD0ebNFuZk0
Butthole Surfers – Pepper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8vBVUaKvk
You should all be ashamed….
Beck – Loser
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE
?????
Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU-OSLBKwG0
Offspring double….
Self Esteem – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q
She’s Got Issues – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kenF3_77774
Double Shot of Blind Melon
St. Andrew’s Fall
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5sm-LcQhCo
Mouthful of Cavities
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WMY-n9MF6o
Alice in Chains – I Stay Away:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODTv9Lt5WYs
Tracy Bonham – Mother Mother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xi8NvSetZc
She seems happy. EVERYTHING’S FINE!
Madman Across The Water – Elton John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWrzhWnzhAs
Ramones
-I Wanna Be Sedated (live, angrily) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YJ7MH7oecK0
-Sheena Is A Punk Rocker https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U5KANUMo-hQ
Man, I haven’t listened to these guys in way too long.
Corrosion Of Conformity – Broken Man
One more for a bit, as I should be working.
Frantic – Metallica
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq3eLdixvCc
/this album gets a lot of shit, but I enjoy a lot of it
Cowboy Dan – Modest Mouse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBjiYZiv5RE
Whiskey River – Willie Nelson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k9SjMpAxRM
DOUBLE SHOT
Hello Walls – Willie Nelson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cwcETeIUUg
Soundgarden DOUBLE SHOT from my favorite album.
New Damage:
Drawing Flies:
Metallica – Fade to Black
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce33sFncu_0&list=PL1A094AA159675481&index=6
Suicidal Tendencies – Institutionalized
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoF_a0-7xVQ
One of Beavis’ finest performances: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGh_SklEKsw
He found a kindred spirit.
Torn and Frayed – Rolling Stones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJtfANIjmQM
I love Beck. Here are few more.
Jackass – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23qZPXqqo68
Blue Moon – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIWbgR4vYiw
Reply fail. Oops.
Hives Double Shot
-Bigger Hole to Fill https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HcRaQ-0Sy0E
/Your Mom Joke Alert/
-Die Alright!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXqujk-b7DI
This song reminded me of a girl I was with for entirely too long. Not football related, obviously, but DAMAGED GOODS indeed:
DOUBLE SHOT
IN THE SAME VIDEO
Sanity > Split Open and Melt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od0oZnTlwss
Obligatory:
Wharf Rat, Grateful Dead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmT_4RQ0ANU
Wolf at the Door, Radiohead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvBPCm25z4I
Hurt – Johnny Cash cover of NIN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc
Works on both levels (artist and song):
Oh shit!
Wilco – Via Chicago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdiZVo_KIlE
PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, you might want to indulge is a cool, frosty Budweiser and a delicious Pappa John’s Double Meat Barf Pizza with Lard Stuffed Crust, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*
Tom Waits, Black Wings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i3cEdaM6y4
This was tremendous.
Green Day – Basket Case
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY
I’ll be better with…
Lemmy!
I saw this tour the night before they recorded this.
Long Beach Ca.
Yep.
Unstable is one thing. Unstable + drugs is another thing. Unstable + drugs + worldwide phenomena in just a few years.
I’m still fucking stoked to see them in a couple weeks.
I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that Hillary isn’t hosting the Request Line this week.
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/hillary-clinton-womenjpeg-045d7.jpg
RTD is probably saving her for a VICTORY themed Request Line in November
Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b-I2s5zRbHg
Ramones – Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FwJnnf1Ogcw