Request Line: Damaged Goods (Allegedly)

Mike Tyson is inside a radio studio, alone. His producer is behind the glass.

MIKE TYSON: *looking at the glass* Turn that thermostat up. Damn!

PRODUCER: *mouthing words, gesticulating to his head*

MIKE TYSON: Speak up! What? *grunts, puts earphones on*

PRODUCER: …to 78, Champ. Oh, he’s here.

JJ Watt walks slowly towards the producer, waves to Tyson

PRODUCER: JJ! Put ‘er ther—OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS…

MIKE TYSON: *throws headphones to the floor* STOP SHOUTING MAN! Tell Watt to get his ass in here.

JJ Watt stiffly enters the studio.

JJ WATT: Mister Tyson, it is an honor to meet…

Watt slowly extends right arm, Tyson clasps it and goes toward Watt for a hug, Watt recoils

 JJ WATT: Sorry. I may be coming down with Zika and don’t wanna…

MIKE TYSON: *snorts* You got sultry skin. What do you moisturize with?

JJ WATT: Good, right? It’s not in stores, but the beauty of all BeautiControl prod…

MIKE TYSON: You better start using Ajax on those clammy-ass mitts. I respect pulchritude, but damn! Those hands feel like Jello made out of, of uh… Chrysn… Chryn… Chrysanthemums!

JJ WATT: Huh?

MIKE TYSON:  *pointing to the floor* Hand me my headphones, man.

JJ WATT: Uh… *shuffles slowly towards headphones, nudges them three times toward Tyson with his right foot*

MIKE TYSON: *amused* I heard you get Zika from sex or mosquitoes. You ain’t gonna fuck me, right? *bends down, puts headphones on*

JJ WATT: *moves head toward imaginary camera, smiles* Don’t worry Mike. I don’t *direct gaze* bite.

MIKE TYSON: *abruptly puts the other set of headphones on Watt’s head* Let’s start! *to himself* Corny muhfuckah.

PRODUCER: Now JJ, this will be on five second delay, so don’t worry about being too, quote, Realz.

MIKE TYSON: It’s all about repartee, JJ. Re. Par. Tay. Understand?

JJ WATT: *squints, nods, grimaces*

MIKE TYSON: We also take calls. *Pointing to the glass* Hey, you got them callers?

PRODUCER: Sure Champ. Some are already waiting. Sixty seconds!

MIKE TYSON: *sits on chair, adjusts microphone* Hey guy, relax! Grab a chair and position your mike.

JJ WATT: I’m really, really fine. It’s just that… I’ve been kinda sitting all day. I’ll just stand and *slowly stretching hand towards microphone* Unnnnnhh *grabs mike and pushes it almost vertical, cranes neck* NNhhh Ah…

PRODUCER: You OK JJ?

JJ WATT: A… I… PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO…

PRODUCER: Sounds OK, JJ. Don’t lean in so much. Test your mike, Champ.

MIKE TYSON: *gets up, pulls microphone to face* If you stand, I’ll stand. Ain’t no fucking way you gonna talk down to me. MELLIFLUOUS. GARGANTUAN. STAGGERING.

PRODUCER: Hear ya loud and clear Champ. In three, two, one…

Hip hop beat, Tyson swaying with the rhythm, Watt stands very still

 IT’S THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH SHOW WITH IRON MIKE TYSON. AND HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP HIMSELF, IRON. MIKE. TYYYYSSSONN.

MIKE TYSON: Wassss…. Up! This is the Undisputed Truth Show with Mike Tyson. I’m Mike Tyson and joining me in the studio is Houston Texans star, JJ Watt.

JJ WATT: It’s an honor and a privilege to be here, Iron Michael.

MIKE TYSON: Psh, *bleep* …formalities man! It’s just Mike now. “Shame is the fruit of my vanities, and remorse, and the clearest knowledge of how the world’s delight is a brief dream”.

VONTAZE BURFICT: *on phone* Oh, Mike. Still quoting Petrarch?

MIKE TYSON: Vontaze! Whadda ya think about my man here JJ Watt?

VONTAZE BURFICT: *Terminator voice* Dang my back.

Tyson and Burfict laugh loudly.

JJ WATT: What the…

VONTAZE BURFICT: I’ll be back on the field before you, Stretch. Tez… OUT.

JJ WATT: Even playing dirty, dude can’t carry my jockstrap. Not even while injured. Did you know that last year I played through tears in my torso, groin…

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: *on phone* My, what a baller. Hear that? That is me making a wanking motion with my free hand.

MIKE TYSON: Oh if it isn’t mister Ben Rothlis… Rothstern… Ben! What are you saying? Are you calling out JJ for fallacious stoicism?

JJ WATT: Who the *bleep* are you to *bleep* talk about…

MIKE TYSON: Yeah Ben. You the king of coy. That “I’m not really that banged up” bull *bleep* to play up heroism is hella hackneyed. ‘Sup with that?

JJ WATT: Yeah! *looks for eye contact* Wad up. Wid. Dat?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: Oh wait, I’ll put Le’Veon on. Lev! Le’Veon! He was just here. Lev!

MIKE TYSON: Is he missing? Ben? Ben! Call fell through.

JJ WATT: Just like his O-line! Huh? Huh? *moving arm vertically* Up top GAH. Aahhhnnnn…

PEYTON MANNING: *on phone* Hey Mike. Is that a crippled Denzel Washington there in the studio? Because he seems to have Mo’ Bility Blues.

MIKE TYSON: *lingering eye roll* Life treatin’ ya good Peyton?

JJ WATT: I hope you’re not here to offer me some of quote your wife’s quote HGH, Peyton.

PEYTON MANNING: You should try and get some through the back end, JJ.

JJ WATT: You got away just in time to avoid facing me. You must be at peace.

PEYTON MANNING: Watt, I’ll take you on anytime in the spokesperson arena.

JJ WATT: *to the Nationwide theme* ♫Bailed again by my team’s D♫

PEYTON MANNING: Hey 99, you’re more wooden than a Trojan horse.

PRODUCER: *on headphones* WA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

JJ WATT: Are you coming on to me?

PEYTON MANNING: Kidding aside, in 2015 the team carried me, which goes to show that football is the ultimate team sport. You need the eleven guys in all units to perform and contribute. I was lucky to have such a great coaching staff and trainers that allowed my contributions to be just enough to not lose, and rode it to the championship.

MIKE TYSON: *shaking his goddamn head* Any words for JJ, Peyton? .

PEYTON MANNING: Look JJ, you are the best player in your team right now.

JJ WATT: Yes?

PEYTON MANNING: But more important than performance is having the trust of your teammates. They already know you got their back.

JJ WATT: Thank you Peyton. Coming from such a legend and high class former colleague, that means a lot to me.

PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*

PRODUCER: *on headphones* What a pro.

MIKE TYSON: *looking to the floor, smiles* Well look who’s here! I’ve been looking for you all over. You have pets, JJ?

JJ WATT: I love all animals and persons.

MIKE TYSON: Even those at PFT?

JJ WATT: *glares*

MIKE TYSON: I found this lil’ guy when he was just a week old. I fed ‘im corn and chickpeas, mango if he behaves. I named him Voltaire. You know who Voltaire is?

JJ WATT: *moving head slightly* Mmm mmm.

MIKE TYSON: Didja enjoy Candide?

JJ WATT: I like the sweet and sour stuff, but I try to avoid carbs altogether. Let me see this critter. Here Voltron…

MIKE TYSON: He’s over there, by the…

Watt walks gingerly around the desk

 MIKE TYSON: There ya go! Say hi to JJ.

JJ WATT: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

MIKE TYSON: When we come back, Josh Gordon will be joining us by phone, Lawrence Taylor will stop by, and we’ll try to get a hold of Le’Veon Bell.

Damaged goods! Talk about a way judgmental term. It’s too loaded; everyone has foibles, some have impediments. (And yet, in every spectrum, Greg Hardy can go to hell.) So, let’s see: extraordinary but mostly unredeemable folks, unstable geniuses, unreliable smooth talkers, prodigies who flamed out prematurely, exhilaration that will change lives for the worse. It may be definitely wrong for you, but makes you feel more alive than anything else. First spin goes to:

Thanks to the Notorious R-T-D for giving me the spot this week. Banner picture via unesco.org; rest from top via celebritiestatooed.com, zimbio.com, and maxim.com.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass
theeWeeBabySeamus
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THESE AFGHAN WHIGS I CALL THEM THE MACHINE GUNS CAUSE THEY CAN FIRE WAY THE HELL MORE THAN JUST TWO SHOTS.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But only two shots followed…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Like a trash can fire, in a prison cell. Like the searchlights in the parking lots of Hell…”

Spanky Datass

Neil Young : Needle And The Damage Done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd3oqvnDKQk

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice. Let’s upsize to a triple…

Nirvana – Polly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scmOYyBRdy8

ssi_bulldawg

Buy three, get the fourth free:
Nirvana – I’m on a Plain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHsfIDl7ONo

Honestly, I think every Nirvana song works for this theme.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hell, why stop there? Cobain was like a soundtrack for damaged…

Lithium – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHZ9jh7IhkU

theeWeeBabySeamus

Third Eye Blind – Semi-Charmed Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyjTrwOMSO4

montythisseemsstrangetome

I’ve always hated that song.

ssi_bulldawg
theeWeeBabySeamus
ssi_bulldawg
theeWeeBabySeamus

Butthole Surfers – Pepper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8vBVUaKvk

theeWeeBabySeamus

You should all be ashamed….
Beck – Loser
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE

montythisseemsstrangetome

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU-OSLBKwG0

theeWeeBabySeamus

Offspring double….

Self Esteem – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q

She’s Got Issues – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kenF3_77774

ssi_bulldawg

Double Shot of Blind Melon

St. Andrew’s Fall
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5sm-LcQhCo

Mouthful of Cavities
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WMY-n9MF6o

ssi_bulldawg

Alice in Chains – I Stay Away:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODTv9Lt5WYs

montythisseemsstrangetome

Tracy Bonham – Mother Mother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xi8NvSetZc

Cuntler

She seems happy. EVERYTHING’S FINE!

SonOfSpam

Madman Across The Water – Elton John

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWrzhWnzhAs

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Man, I haven’t listened to these guys in way too long.

Corrosion Of Conformity – Broken Man

Cuntler

One more for a bit, as I should be working.

Frantic – Metallica

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq3eLdixvCc

/this album gets a lot of shit, but I enjoy a lot of it

Cuntler

Cowboy Dan – Modest Mouse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBjiYZiv5RE

Cuntler

Whiskey River – Willie Nelson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k9SjMpAxRM

Cuntler

DOUBLE SHOT

Hello Walls – Willie Nelson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cwcETeIUUg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Soundgarden DOUBLE SHOT from my favorite album.

New Damage:

Drawing Flies:

Cuntler
SonOfSpam

Suicidal Tendencies – Institutionalized

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoF_a0-7xVQ

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of Beavis’ finest performances: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGh_SklEKsw

SonOfSpam

He found a kindred spirit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cuntler

Torn and Frayed – Rolling Stones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJtfANIjmQM

Cuntler

I love Beck. Here are few more.

Jackass – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23qZPXqqo68

Blue Moon – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIWbgR4vYiw

Cuntler

Reply fail. Oops.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This song reminded me of a girl I was with for entirely too long. Not football related, obviously, but DAMAGED GOODS indeed:

Cuntler

DOUBLE SHOT

IN THE SAME VIDEO

Sanity > Split Open and Melt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od0oZnTlwss

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Obligatory:

Cuntler
Cuntler

Wolf at the Door, Radiohead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvBPCm25z4I

Cuntler

Hurt – Johnny Cash cover of NIN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Works on both levels (artist and song):

laserguru

Oh shit!

SonOfSpam
jjfozz

PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, you might want to indulge is a cool, frosty Budweiser and a delicious Pappa John’s Double Meat Barf Pizza with Lard Stuffed Crust, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*

Tom Waits, Black Wings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i3cEdaM6y4

SonOfSpam

This was tremendous.

Green Day – Basket Case

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY

laserguru

I’ll be better with…

laserguru

Lemmy!

laserguru

I saw this tour the night before they recorded this.

Long Beach Ca.

SonOfSpam

comment image

laserguru

Yep.

blaxabbath

Unstable is one thing. Unstable + drugs is another thing. Unstable + drugs + worldwide phenomena in just a few years.

I’m still fucking stoked to see them in a couple weeks.

laserguru

blaxabbath

I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that Hillary isn’t hosting the Request Line this week.

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/hillary-clinton-womenjpeg-045d7.jpg

BrettFavresColonoscopy

RTD is probably saving her for a VICTORY themed Request Line in November

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