CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially “going on”. Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers “Real America” and (God willing) getting crippling food poisoning from a roadside corndog.  There are actual NFL players wearing helmets and running around on grass, or FieldTurf, or whatever Dan Snyder been using to seed the Slurs’ Richmond training facility.

Still better than FedEx Field

Thus, it is time for ol’ Pope Mayhem to kick his feet up, hang his mitre on the hatstand and settle in for a long, crime-free football season.

Naaaaah

Fuck that noise. Crime doesn’t sleep, so neither will I, because insomnia is just a sign that your body is bursting with get-to-it motivation! For that matter, crime doesn’t eat either. It does shit on occasion (one love, Najeh!) which is odd. Probably violates some conservation of mass-energy law.

Fuck it. 4 a.m. should not exist. Bring forth the …dudes…who are in trouble, you know?

JOSEPH “JOEY THE ECHIDNA” BOSA and DEAN “SPANIKOPITA” SPANOS

Charge: RICO violations. Seriously, I bet there’s not a person on this site who they couldn’t pin something on under RICO.

So now that the Jets, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Beard have ended the most boring contract stand-off since Eli held out of OTAs for a whole hour seeking a second juice box (big win, Tom Condon!), we turn to the next biggest and most puzzling holdout: Joey Bosa versus the Los Angeles San Diego Chargers.

Yes, even after the NFLPA sold rookies down the river in the last CBA and agreed to the “slotting system” (a way-to-much-math explanation of which can be found here), rookie holdouts can occur. They generally don’t, because the aforementioned slotting system basically dictates the length, guaranteed money and “overall” money depending solely on draft position. Your team is going pay the same amount for the #18 pick, whether its a quarterback or a punter (this hypothetical assumes that your team is the Oakland Raiders, and that they’ve traded up from the second round because of said punter’s broad jump numbers).

So why is Joey Bosa not in camp? Well, because if you give an agent the smallest thing to fight over, most of them will. And if you lay a single rake in a full acre of open grass, the Chargers will find a way to step on it.

Pictured: Head of Charger’s Relocation Efforts

Although both sides know the length and value of the deal, they are allegedly entrenched in their respective positions and willing to go to the mattresses over when the guaranteed money will be paid and whether to include an offset clause. On the first issue, the Chargers apparently would like to pay most of the guaranteed money up front, while Bosa is insisting that they pay it all up front. Now, I understand the time-value of money and all, but both sides appear to have forgotten what the term “guaranteed” means. They’re going to drive a ton of money up to Bosa’s house either way- they’re just fighting about whether it comes in a dump truck or two garbage trucks. And that’s kinda fucking stupid.

It’s not like the Chargers are going to use the money to do something useful this year:

Pictured: Chargers Public Relations Department

And it’s not like Bosa’s lifetime financial planning depends on him investing in a chain of car dealerships now or in two years.

His family’s already got a thriving payday loan business

The other dispute is over offset language in case Bosa gets cut before the end of his contract and another team signs him- the Chargers want to offset what they would owe him against the amount he makes under the new contract. If this sounds familiar, it was what kept Marcus Mariota from signing with the Titans last year. Of course, that only lasted until the week before training camp, because both sides finally realized it was an incredibly fucking stupid thing to allow to stand in the way of a high first round pick getting into camp and learning.  From the team’s perspective, the conversation should go something like this:

Personnel Guy 1: We drafted this guy really high because we believe he’s a team-changing talent. But what if we’re wrong? Shouldn’t we have some sort of coverage in case we cut him to get money back?

Personnel Guy 2: Well, if we cut him, the likelihood is that we cut him for a good reason, because he sucks or strangled a police horse or something. And that means his next team is unlikely to pay him a large amount of money, and therefore any offset we get will likely be minor. Plus, if we fuck up that badly on that high a draft pick, we’ll probably be shitcanned, and then who gives a fuck what happens to the team?

Personnel Guy 1: You’re right. So, hookers?

Personnel Guy 2: What do you think?

And from Bosa’s standpoint, who is betting that hard against themselves that they’re jeopardizing their chance for success with their first team on the off chance that they need to sign a Trent Richardson failure contract with a second team? This has echoes of Sam Bradford being “such a competitor” that he needed to be traded to a team where he wouldn’t have to compete for the starting job. Jesus, I thought 30% of being a successful NFL player was believing that you are the baddest motherfucker on the field.  Of course, 60% is athletic talent and training. The remaining 10% is artificial colors and flavors.

So yes. I’m sorry, Low Commander and friends, but it’s time for BOLTMAN! to lock both sides in a room and mascot-rape the ever-loving shit out of them until they give up and agree. Wait, what?

That’s not his finger

Sorry, that went to a dark place. Ok. Moving on.

IK EMINEMKAPALI

CHARGE: Grievous Lack of Bodily Harm

Goddamnit IK…training camp has been in session for four days. FOUR FUCKING DAYS and every jaw on the New York Jets is still intact. Rex didn’t bring you on board to not jack up Jets quarterbacks in training camp. WE DEMAND BLOOD! WE DEMAND ZUBAZ WITH FRINGES MADE FROM FITZMAGIC’S BEARD! I mean for fuck’s sake- you have to make the  most of your opportunities. Shaq Lawson is still injured. Then Manny Lawson got injured. And Vishnu help you if you thought Nigella Lawson was going to provide you with any sort of edge rush. No explosiveness.

Somethingsomething pressuring the pocket

So IK got a golden chance to prove his worth to the team. And does he step up? No! The only major injury on the Jets is Muuuuuuuhammad Wilkerson, and that’s lingering from last year’s broken leg. You better get out to Florham Park with a crowbar and a goddamned sniper rifle and earn your roster spot. The spirit of Buddy Ryan is watching you, and he does not like what he sees.

THE RIGHT REVEREND ELECTRIC MAYHEM

CHARGE: Gross indecency, public intoxication

So what the hell was that all about? Mascot rape? The Enemkapali stuff was odd enough, but seriously- that crosses a line or three. I truly do believe in Rule 34, but there’s not enough TOR reroutes and antivirus software in the world for me to confirm that I haven’t just invented something new and horrifying. What’s next- Patriot Pat and Steely McBeam slashfic?

“As he gazed deeply into Steely’s foam-rubber eyes, Pat felt his giant polyurethane foam chin begin to quiver…”

What kind of site would allow someone like me to write stuff like this? Boggles the goddamned mind, it does.

And as always- Foxboro delenda est.

 

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Latest posts by The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem (see all)

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.

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Don T
Member

That was pretty demented shit. In other words, ?
Oh, and I bet that’s EXACTLY how GMs with a 2-3 year leash operate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
indieguy
Member
indieguy

Boltman better watch out. It looks like pat has yellow fever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe Zeka?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The joke was too esoteric; maybe to the point of not being a joke at all……..

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0782790/

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

I’m sorry, Low Commander and friends, but it’s time for BOLTMAN! to lock both sides in a room and mascot-rape the ever-loving shit out of them until they give up and agree.

Hey, don’t apologize to me, I’m very much in favor of this, especially if Dean Spanos and Tom Condon are involved. That’s a win-win for everyone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If need be we can have your team management Robot Raped (TM).

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Suck it up and give him the damn money.

http://media.giphy.com/media/3vyljDK1lPqgw/giphy.gif

jjfozz
Member

I missed the DFO anniversary love fest. I was drinking at the beach.

The community here has made me laugh my ass off more than a few times. I’ve been lucky enough to be allowed to spew my hatred. And as a straight up boob lover, I can’t say enough about the pictures and gifs.

More importantly is the camaraderie that I share with you stupid bastards. My imaginary internet friends make me feel accepted. As a person who hates cliques and people in general, this has been a pleasant change.

Cheers to all of you cock knockers, and if you lurk, don’t be a jerk, show us your work, we won’t make you twerk.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To be fair Nigella Lawson gives me some hard edge rush……..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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jjfozz
Member

My son had his first football practice and I have identified the following parents:

Football dad: screaming at his son to play tough in a flag football game (it was an icebreaker for new kids.)

Bluecollar dad: distinctive Bawlmer accent, firefighter, nice guy.

Meathead dad and mom: dad about 6’5, muscled, sleeveless shirt, tattoos up and down, wearing a camoflauge Yankees baseball tipped sideways (i will never get along with him); wife is gym mom but has no boobs

Intelligent mom: pale, small dog, disgusted with all the testosterone and stupidity of small boys.

Yuppie parents: mom is serious triathlete, father shows up to practice in shirt and tie. These people would think Joe Flacco is a straight up gangsta.

Alternative parents: hipster glasses, longish hair, beard (on guy, not girl) dazed and confused that their son is playing football and not spending more time hunting down rare vinyl 45s.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

If your hat is sideways or tilted there is almost zero chance I’m gonna want to talk to you. When the fuck did that become acceptable for any reason other than for gang id purposes?

blaxabbath
Member

Love yuppie moms.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Hate fuck seems more honest

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
SonOfSpam
Member

Is there a Minority Dad that everyone else refers to as “Omar” behind his back?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’d like to meet Intelligent Mom.

jjfozz
Member

No you wouldn’t. Athletic mom is hotter, in a cheap fake tan kind of way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And she likes the butt play, even though she acts all coy about it.

http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2014-08/18/7/enhanced/webdr05/anigif_enhanced-2927-1408359779-14.gif

jjfozz
Member

True story.

When I was in my 20s, I started dating this girl – well, getting drunk and then attempting to make the beast with two backs – and I was on the fence about her.

So one night, we’re all getting ready to leave and she asks if she should bring her purse and I said, “Leave the purse, take the cannolis.”

And she said, “Huh?”

My best friend was standing behind me and said, “Well, that’s the end of that.”

He was right. Seriously who in fuck doesn’t know that line?

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Is there anything more absurd than looking at a cast photo and realizing it was fucking Clemenza who priced himself out of the sequel?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath
Member

Oh thinking about my 20’s…..

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

In other football-related news, the Trump campaign has reached out to Steve Smith about taking charge of their event security:

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/donald-trump-asks-parent-crying-916467

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

“I always wanted to get the Purple Heart,” Trump said. “This was much easier.”

Trust me when I say, we all wish you had actually earned it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Posthumously.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This is wonderful.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Steely McBeam actually sounds like a halfway decent porn name.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She was so hot she melted McBeam.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member
ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I’m so proud! 🙂

jjfozz
Member

or Steely McBulge

Kungjitsu
Member
Kungjitsu

[Remembers this is a football/dick joke site and deletes 2500 word post on why Judas Priest is underrated]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Underrated? How is that possible?

blaxabbath
Member

[6600 words about how the Cubs make me think about the Red Sox]

ballsofsteelandfury
Member
blaxabbath
Member

You rip on the Raiders draft moves but I’m pretty sure The Regg didn’t move up to the second to get his young quarterback some much-needed kicking support.

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jjfozz
Member

“Much needed kicking support” or in Baltimore: “Helping old people across the street.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right
Member

Holy shit “Mascotte, FL” rape!

yeah right
Member

This quickly turned into the most perverted episode of The X Files ever.

wpDiscuz