CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially “going on”. Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers “Real America” and (God willing) getting crippling food poisoning from a roadside corndog.  There are actual NFL players wearing helmets and running around on grass, or FieldTurf, or whatever Dan Snyder been using to seed the Slurs’ Richmond training facility.

Thus, it is time for ol’ Pope Mayhem to kick his feet up, hang his mitre on the hatstand and settle in for a long, crime-free football season.

Fuck that noise. Crime doesn’t sleep, so neither will I, because insomnia is just a sign that your body is bursting with get-to-it motivation! For that matter, crime doesn’t eat either. It does shit on occasion (one love, Najeh!) which is odd. Probably violates some conservation of mass-energy law.

Fuck it. 4 a.m. should not exist. Bring forth the …dudes…who are in trouble, you know?

JOSEPH “JOEY THE ECHIDNA” BOSA and DEAN “SPANIKOPITA” SPANOS

Charge: RICO violations. Seriously, I bet there’s not a person on this site who they couldn’t pin something on under RICO.

So now that the Jets, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Beard have ended the most boring contract stand-off since Eli held out of OTAs for a whole hour seeking a second juice box (big win, Tom Condon!), we turn to the next biggest and most puzzling holdout: Joey Bosa versus the Los Angeles San Diego Chargers.

Yes, even after the NFLPA sold rookies down the river in the last CBA and agreed to the “slotting system” (a way-to-much-math explanation of which can be found here), rookie holdouts can occur. They generally don’t, because the aforementioned slotting system basically dictates the length, guaranteed money and “overall” money depending solely on draft position. Your team is going pay the same amount for the #18 pick, whether its a quarterback or a punter (this hypothetical assumes that your team is the Oakland Raiders, and that they’ve traded up from the second round because of said punter’s broad jump numbers).

So why is Joey Bosa not in camp? Well, because if you give an agent the smallest thing to fight over, most of them will. And if you lay a single rake in a full acre of open grass, the Chargers will find a way to step on it.

Although both sides know the length and value of the deal, they are allegedly entrenched in their respective positions and willing to go to the mattresses over when the guaranteed money will be paid and whether to include an offset clause. On the first issue, the Chargers apparently would like to pay most of the guaranteed money up front, while Bosa is insisting that they pay it all up front. Now, I understand the time-value of money and all, but both sides appear to have forgotten what the term “guaranteed” means. They’re going to drive a ton of money up to Bosa’s house either way- they’re just fighting about whether it comes in a dump truck or two garbage trucks. And that’s kinda fucking stupid.

It’s not like the Chargers are going to use the money to do something useful this year:

And it’s not like Bosa’s lifetime financial planning depends on him investing in a chain of car dealerships now or in two years.

The other dispute is over offset language in case Bosa gets cut before the end of his contract and another team signs him- the Chargers want to offset what they would owe him against the amount he makes under the new contract. If this sounds familiar, it was what kept Marcus Mariota from signing with the Titans last year. Of course, that only lasted until the week before training camp, because both sides finally realized it was an incredibly fucking stupid thing to allow to stand in the way of a high first round pick getting into camp and learning.  From the team’s perspective, the conversation should go something like this:

Personnel Guy 1: We drafted this guy really high because we believe he’s a team-changing talent. But what if we’re wrong? Shouldn’t we have some sort of coverage in case we cut him to get money back?

Personnel Guy 2: Well, if we cut him, the likelihood is that we cut him for a good reason, because he sucks or strangled a police horse or something. And that means his next team is unlikely to pay him a large amount of money, and therefore any offset we get will likely be minor. Plus, if we fuck up that badly on that high a draft pick, we’ll probably be shitcanned, and then who gives a fuck what happens to the team?

Personnel Guy 1: You’re right. So, hookers?

Personnel Guy 2: What do you think?

And from Bosa’s standpoint, who is betting that hard against themselves that they’re jeopardizing their chance for success with their first team on the off chance that they need to sign a Trent Richardson failure contract with a second team? This has echoes of Sam Bradford being “such a competitor” that he needed to be traded to a team where he wouldn’t have to compete for the starting job. Jesus, I thought 30% of being a successful NFL player was believing that you are the baddest motherfucker on the field.  Of course, 60% is athletic talent and training. The remaining 10% is artificial colors and flavors.

So yes. I’m sorry, Low Commander and friends, but it’s time for BOLTMAN! to lock both sides in a room and mascot-rape the ever-loving shit out of them until they give up and agree. Wait, what?

Sorry, that went to a dark place. Ok. Moving on.

IK EMINEMKAPALI

CHARGE: Grievous Lack of Bodily Harm

Goddamnit IK…training camp has been in session for four days. FOUR FUCKING DAYS and every jaw on the New York Jets is still intact. Rex didn’t bring you on board to not jack up Jets quarterbacks in training camp. WE DEMAND BLOOD! WE DEMAND ZUBAZ WITH FRINGES MADE FROM FITZMAGIC’S BEARD! I mean for fuck’s sake- you have to make the  most of your opportunities. Shaq Lawson is still injured. Then Manny Lawson got injured. And Vishnu help you if you thought Nigella Lawson was going to provide you with any sort of edge rush. No explosiveness.

So IK got a golden chance to prove his worth to the team. And does he step up? No! The only major injury on the Jets is Muuuuuuuhammad Wilkerson, and that’s lingering from last year’s broken leg. You better get out to Florham Park with a crowbar and a goddamned sniper rifle and earn your roster spot. The spirit of Buddy Ryan is watching you, and he does not like what he sees.

THE RIGHT REVEREND ELECTRIC MAYHEM

CHARGE: Gross indecency, public intoxication

So what the hell was that all about? Mascot rape? The Enemkapali stuff was odd enough, but seriously- that crosses a line or three. I truly do believe in Rule 34, but there’s not enough TOR reroutes and antivirus software in the world for me to confirm that I haven’t just invented something new and horrifying. What’s next- Patriot Pat and Steely McBeam slashfic?

What kind of site would allow someone like me to write stuff like this? Boggles the goddamned mind, it does.

And as always- Foxboro delenda est.