INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
A pair of radio station employees stand in the production booth, obviously upset and arguing over something.
STATION MANAGER: You said you wanted a businessman! That’s what we’ve got!
PRODUCER: I said a smart businessman! I’m amazed this guy can even tie his own shoes!
DAN SNYDER: [In the recording booth; his voice plays through the control rooms PA] There! Only took me six tries this time!
STATION MANAGER: [Weakly smiles and gives a thumbs up back] He, uh, can’t hear us in here, right?
PRODUCER: Not unless he has his headset on, or somehow has superhuman hearing…
STATION MANAGER: Well, I’m sorry. When he said he was an NFL Owner, I figured he would have to be at least kinda smart… Look, if you don’t want to use him, we did get one more applicant. A Mr… Dean Span–
PRODUCER: Who is LITERALLY the ONLY person LESS QUALIFIED for this SEGMENT! [Takes a deep breathe, sighs] Look, he’s here, let’s just get this over with.
The STATION MANAGER motions for SNYDER to put on his headphones. He does, then stares blankly back at him.
STATION MANAGER: Mr. Snyder? We’re going to start soon. After the music plays, we need you to read through the script we provided and then take some calls. Sound good?
SNYDER: Sure does, Mr. Talking Headphones!
PRODUCER: We are so fired…
The theme music starts to play and fades out after a moment.
SNYDER: [Clearly reading] Hello, and welcome to Smart Talk! I’m Daniel Snyder, owner and CEO of the Washington [BLEEEEEEEP] and I will be your guest host this week. We are going to play some mag-nif-i-cent in-tell-ect-u-al tunes for you in a minute, but first, let’s open it up to the lines. [Puts down the script and sits there quietly]
STATION MANAGER: [Through the headphones] Uh, sir? You need to press one of the flashing buttons in front of you and introduce the caller.
SYNDER: Oh, uh… [Presses button] …hello? You’re on, er, Smart Chat!
PETER KING: [With his mouth full] Dan? It’s Peter!
SNYDER: Uh, hello? It’s hard to hear you.
KING: [Chewing] Sorry, I’m at a baseball game! [Swallows] Have you ever had Walleye before? At a Twins game!? Only in Minnesota!
SNYDER: Oh, Hello Peter.
KING: I’m not too keen on the coffee though. Can you believe, an entire ballpark without a Starbucks?
SNYDER: You know, FedEx Field doesn’t have any either. That’s not a bad idea…
KING: Oh, you must. Anyway, I was calling to ask you about some investments! I was looking to buy some shares of Red Zone Capital Management! What do you think?
SNYDER: Definitely! As my Finance guy told me last week, “after em-buzz-ling all of this money, profits couldn’t legally be higher!”
KING: Great! I’ll talk to my friends when I got home on Wall Street! You know, Wall Street?! Only in New York! [Crowd cheers in background] Gotta go! I think the line just cleared up for the men’s room! Can you believe that someone like ME has to wait—
SNYDER: [Cutting off] Thanks Peter. Alright, next up. You’re on Smart Speak!
TRENT GREEN: Hello? Helllloooo? Can you hear me on the mooooon, Spaceman?
SNYDER: Hi, this is Dan Snyder of the Washington [BLEEEEEEEP]. Who is this?
GREEN: Hey, didn’t I used to play a game for you?
SNYDER: Joe? Joe Theismann? Is that you?!
GREEN: Uhhh, yup! That’s me!
SNYDER: Joe! How are you doing?! How’s Robin and the kids?
GREEN: They are, very… [shuffling sounds] carpet?
SYNDER: Glad to hear it!
GREEN: Yes, well it’s tough when you are the Queen of France. [Suddenly screaming] AHHH! A MONSTER! IT’S IN MY ROOM! NOOOOoooo– [Garbled noises then nothing]
SYNDER: Joe!? JOE!? Are you okay!?
A WOMAN’S VOICE: [Muffled through the phone] Nurse! I told you not to let him download Pokemon Go! Now he’s in the crawl space again!
SYNDER: Call me later Joe! Alright, next caller! You’re on Smart Line!
HERM EDWARDS: I ONCE ATE A SIX FOOT PARTY SUB IN ONE SITTING BECAUSE WOODY JOHNSON SAID I COULDN’T. DIDN’T EAT AGAIN FOR ANOTHER 10 DAYS AFTER THAT.
SNYDER: Wow, that actually sounds like an effective time saver for when you’re on the go.
HERM: WHEN MY HANDS GET COLD, I JUST TAKE OFF MY SHOES AND USE MY SOCKS AS MITTENS.
SNYDER: I don’t like having to take off my shoes unless I have to…
PRODUCER: Okay, I don’t think there’s any getting out of this whirlpool of stupid. Cut to commercial.
This weeks Request Line topic is: Stupid. It can be songs about dumb people, things, thoughts, hell, even the songs themselves can be stupid. Now get out there and lower our IQs, just in time for some football this weekend!
Tom Petty double stupid…
Dumbass Song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P71ZSQgJoGw
Playing Dumb – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXQ8pVrlMpg
Frank Zappa – Dumb All Over
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUg3wshcuLI
(you did say it could just a stupid song….be careful what you ask for)
Sammy Kershaw – Queen of my Doublewide Tailer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iICDCj-qOEU
Wow, the ability to type goodly has exited early today apparently.
I fucking love Herm
Rolling Stones – Stupid Girl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSn8BdmYKC4
You know what is stupid? When someone says “In dog beers, I’ve only had one.” The old, incorrect saying is that there are 7 dog years in 1 human year. So when some idiot says that, they are saying they’ve had 1/7 of a beer. It makes me angry. SO ANGRY.
http://www.onegentleman.biz/Stories/images%20stories/Cliff-from%20Cheers.jpg
Actually, it’s a little known fact that your basic domestic canine has 7x the concentration of the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase in their blood streams, and thus they process bee-ahs 7x as quickly.
/totally just made that up
http://www.sharegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/17-02.png
They have shirts and everything. It is thing. Peter King probably has several of these shirts.
?v=1462394754
“Peter King probably has several of these shirts”
…sewn together to cover his torso during a rain delay at Astros/Rays (Two wonderful and spunky baseball teams overshadowed by mediocre NFL franchises in which they share a market — NFL popularity is WEIRD).
Nirvana – Dumb
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoySSBwQVso
At least it was a different version
Apologies BFC. I shoulda scrolled back first.
Lemonjeads – Bit Part
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ca6N9FN-rbQ
Eh, maybe more half-assed than dumb. But still pretty dumb. I love it, though.
Strung Out – Mind of My Own
Still say this is their best song.
Steely Dan – Only A Fool Would Say That
https://youtu.be/YTt-URVOYos
Let’s go double shot with Dirty Work
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghcsrblhn7A
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1E7VO-drMTo/UufkaEXXIUI/AAAAAAAAA6A/BsedN6897uM/s1600/debbie-harry-tumblr_mmhy3mO9a71spucdvo1_500.gif
Offensive yes, but fun –
Dead Milkmen – Takin Retards To The Zoo
https://youtu.be/bfrQ8ZutmLE
Devo – Mongoloid
https://youtu.be/GZDl_R8Zp2E
Andrew WK – I Love NYC
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VOnBFSHHEu0
“You can’t stop what you can’t end.”
Debatable at best, and about half of the words of the entire song
This one’s for all the men who’ve been stuck with some stupid bitch.
Do you remember when… There was like a four week stretch of Request Lines that had Fool in the Rain?
I should’ve just posted the link
“We’ve got a special treat for you people tonight, and it goes something like this! /Whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp”
Zappa – Dancing Fool
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PSdkPMc7aEo
How about the whole Zappa catalog?
/ducks
Preach!
http://www.theonion.com/article/frank-zappa-fan-thinks-you-just-havent-heard-the-r-4644
I am sorry that I have but only one like to give.
The Hives (quelle surprise)
AKA IDIOT – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pgQ8gph1kHs
Walk Idiot Walk – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ysGtBZX32I0
Outsmarted! – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sud-if0diz0
Pete Seeger- Waist Deep in the Big Muddy
https://youtu.be/j3SysxG6yoE
In honor of this gentleman
http://www.usnews.com/news/offbeat/articles/2016-07-26/man-62-playing-pokemon-go-at-night-gets-stuck-in-mud-pit
Headline:
Man, 62, playing ‘Pokemon Go’ at night gets stuck in mud pit
Authorities say a 62-year-old man playing “Pokemon Go” at night in the woods behind his New York home became stuck in waist-deep mud and had to be rescued
In that same vein, how about Jumper by Third Eye Blind for these geniuses:
http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-pokemon-go-players-stabbed-fall-off-cliff-20160714-snap-story.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdgCajndgNw
After watching a Viceland piece on Quicksand Fetishes, I’m sure that’s what he was doing…
WHAT’S TWICE AS GOOD AS A DOUBLE SHOT? A TRIPLE SHOT!!!
PLUS ONE MORE:
Now I wanna sniff some glue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwJnnf1Ogcw
Lionize – Dumb and Dangerous
Julie Brown – ‘Cause I’m a Blonde
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNfZxgkH7k
Doobie Brothers – What a Fool Believes (yet another song about a Trump voter)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKYQNtF11eg
I think loudly blasting this song with my Freshman year roommates in the car was the moment they realized I was, uh, DFO material?
For Ronnie Reagan the most pro-American song in history
https://youtu.be/EPhWR4d3FJQ
For modern Republicans the straightest song in history.
Queen- We Are the Champions @Wembley
https://youtu.be/yPKlrRwJB8A
And the rest of perhaps the greatest rock performance of all time.
https://youtu.be/A22oy8dFjqc
Ricky Nelson – Poor Little Fool
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R12H8QWnwvE
Le Tigre- Deceptacon
“Your lyrics are dumb like a linoleum floor.”
https://youtu.be/56hJaRNq8go
And for the Kathleen Hanna double shot
The Julie Ruin- I’m Done
https://youtu.be/CWqR0w9ohN8
…AND THIS IS ALFRED YANKOVIC FROM LYNWOOD CALIFORNIA, AND THIS IS A DOUBLE SHOT!!!
Truck Drivin’ Neighbors Downstairs (Yellow Sweat) – Beck
An ode to Trump supporters.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fWXvB_lDlo
Baby Bitch, Ween
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0n6K3Nbmew
Suzy Greenberg – Phish
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG4p_gFx1oc
I don’t know why but that mittens line killed me.
Let’s get started with something obvious:
DOUBLE SHOT AND A PUFF!
Lump – POTHUSA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sj_U6vObUA
Insane Clown Posse – Miracles
THIS IS SONG IS SO FUCKING STUPID HOW DO MAGNETS WORK KILL ME NOW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs
2 + 2 = 5, Radiohead
/Poor Dubya
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lstDdzedgcE
Probably the best Pink Floyd song. I’LL FIGHT YOU.
Fearless – Pink Floyd
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeyHPAdxuy0
It’s a tough call, but it might be.
In honor of the NFLPA:
Fool on the Hill – The Beatles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-GmOUqGFt0
This is the dumbest song ever written.
Chumbawamba – Tubthumping
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc
Idiot Wind – Bob Dylan
https://vimeo.com/20729562
DOUBLE SHOT
It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)
Pretty sure Dylan calls EVERYONE stupid in this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYajHZ4QUVM
Double shot!
GREEN: They are, very… [shuffling sounds] carpet?
Dammit, that’s just fucking hilarious.
But for seriously:
Dammit!!!! I shoulda scrolled down before jumping the gun above.
/I think I’m dumb
How about my original song, “Eating a Fish Taco With a Fork”?
http://media.tumblr.com/51baca180443961d5d1c9afe908f0edb/tumblr_inline_mhxb32s5TD1qz4rgp.gif