I’m tired of talking. To everyone. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, children – those little heathens don’t pay attention anyway.
The conversations we have are so goddamn mundane (25 cents word that I somehow remembered from SAT prep. I spent a lot of that class buzzed, trying to get into the pants of various Catholic school girls.)
Outside of meetings at work – which are a complete and total waste of time. Peter King will write a lucid, comprehensive, engaging article before you ever accomplish anything in a meeting. Unless there is some kind of pastry involved, then a meeting is slightly bearable. Fuck them, they suck ass.
Any conversation I have with adults becomes polarizing immediately. I avoid politics and religion exclusively, and if you do want to talk about either of those, I’m going to excuse myself and sit in the parking lot so I can turn you into ground chuck roast when you leave. Your offal will become fertilizer and grow poison roses in my Garden of Hatred.
What’s to talk about when it comes to either of those subjects? The presidential candidates should be dunked in hot lava, inch by inch. Swilling down a cocktail of bourbon, Black Flag bug repellant, and ammonia is better than either of those fuckwits running our country. Who will I vote for? Don’t know. Maybe Daffy Duck or Woody Woodpecker. I might write in Billy Martin in the hopes that I piss off someone in the vote counting department.
As for religion, fuck it. I respect your beliefs. I have my own. You’re an atheist? That’s great. If you begin a conversation about Muslims and how they’re all terrorists, you are immediately tagged as an ignorant douchebag in my brain. I will do my best to have an authentic morning star, that was recovered from the Battle of Agincourt shoved all the way up your ass.
I partly blame society and the media for this dearth (25 cent word, fuckwads!) of material for conversation. Let’s talk sports! Footbawl! This guy and that guy and we COULD WIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING! Home runs make my pants tight! Mixed martial arts is a sport! And don’t forget golf! Kill yourself now.
How about television and “binge watching”? That term makes me want to embark on a blood binge that will never be satiated. Maybe, if there’s a documentary then it’s worthwhile, that discussion takes up 10 minutes. Next?
Movies eat all kinds of shit. However, as a codicil (25 cent word that you can shove down your dick) the following titles can be discussed at length: The Godfather Part II, Good Fellas, Caddyshack, and Requiem for a Dream. Anything else is Pablum passed off to the general public who already has consumed shit by the metric ton.
There is nothing to say or discuss. Intelligence in this country is at low tide, and there’s nothing out there but stinking mud, rotten fish, medical waste, and corpses that are slashed and torn from the hungry machinations (25 cent word #3 dickwads!) of sharks and members of the mob.
The biggest waste of time is the conversations you have with your mate. Talk about white noise. Sports schedules, family matters, shitsack neighbors, the weather, and what you said to the blonde lifeguard this past Saturday after slugging down bourbon and the August sun cooked your brains into a toxic Mulligan stew. Fuck those brain cells; they exist to torment you with the details of a sad, suburban life.
Finally, you can discuss your memories. Oh god, not those. The golden tinged snapshots of your salad days when life stretched in front of you, with promise of fame and glory. How about the bad memories? Yes! Let’s talk about those and open up the scars to see if there is any pus left over that can be squeezed out. Shit.
But Fozz, isn’t writing a form of conversation? It’s the best kind, because I don’t have to talk to you about what I write. Just read your snarky comments and laugh.
Oh shit! I have found a conversation subject that I like. Oh wait, it’s based on ME! Well done, you fucking GLOREEE BOY!
Keep it real, you buncha dick smacks.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/b9e345b051f295dfcc403353694e6163/tumblr_nwrub1uUsX1qa70eyo1_400.gif
How many cents is “offal” worth?
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FUCK words! You the best, fozz.
/except foar Elway
http://67.media.tumblr.com/c3b3a5245025ab4d38980342674fb30d/tumblr_o15tyoTeKs1qf47bgo1_1280.jpg
I thought these were going to end with something positive. Or is next week’s topic “FUCK POSITIVE THINGS AT THE END OF STUFF!”
I thinking calling us dicksmacks was the best he could manage.
THIS NEW DFO LAYOUT, I CALL IT A STRANGER….’CAUSE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WACKING OFF WITH MY OWN HAND IT FEELS LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE’S
http://66.media.tumblr.com/6cdae15e9145787aee9ed8021f1ac743/tumblr_o99mipYuPq1qfr6udo1_500.gif
COMMENTS AT THE TOP PLEEEZE!
So it does not shrink images to fit the space; this could be a huge problem with Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s dick pics and other assorted Sexy Friday posts. A REAL PROBLEM.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/04/wtf.gif
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/OMG-bird.gif
THIS NEW DFO LAYOUT, I CALL IT A NEW GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS DIFFERENT, AND SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF PLACE, I STILL GET EXCITED WHENEVER I’M ON IT!
http://media3.giphy.com/media/7SAK61UBQXoXe/giphy.gif
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Britta-Perry-Community-Confused-Look.gif
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Cat Fancy dot com is also somewhat disoriented.
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Giving into the hype and starting “Stranger Things.”
http://cdn3-www.comingsoon.net/assets/uploads/gallery/stranger-things/strangerthings0004.jpg
At least Discount Rooney Mara is cute.
I thought it was many kinds of awesome.
I binged it in two days. No One give a shit about the sister’s friend. I like that the kids cussed and behaved somewhat like normal kids.
Fuckin’ Barb.
Careful on the reply button; I see reply fails in our future..
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/DonaldStare.gif
My internet commenting history is an infinite loop of reply fails.
http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/sims/images/0/0b/Hypnotoad.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130519180509
I really enjoyed this show. The whole Goonies meets Stephen King meets ET as an homage thing was done really well. It was entertaining.
Also, fuckin’ Barb.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/078113aabc1144104747264dd32f3f4a/tumblr_ob1df2KZIN1r0l41qo1_250.png
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/0o0.gif
Barb was ugly. That’s how you knew they’d just be like, “Welp, she’s gone. Let’s play D&D.”
The top row of letters is so close to standing for “I was Just Kidding Let Me Out Now Please!”
Farmersonly dot com is also surprised.
Everybody else have to scroll all the way to the bottom for the comment box?
Yep. That’s the one feature I think needs to change.
http://www.gifwave.com/media/81905_football-nfl-surprise-taco-disbelief.gif
Yes, is that normal? Also, the yellow bar has yet to reappear.
/walks away, whistling nonchalantly
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The site looks great on my iPhone.
Your mom looks great on my iPhone.
/sorry, had to.
Why are you looking in my closet?
http://replygif.net/i/564.gif
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/09/wtf.gif
And I can’t edit my shit. Guess this is the No Homers Club
Adjusting to this is quite a hurdle.
http://replygif.net/i/989.gif
I can see the edit button on someone else’s post if I don’t refresh the screen. I can’t see it on my own.
IT’S AN EDIT FREE-FOR-ALL!!!
Boobs
Only SPECIAL people get the editing button…. the shareholders…. the IN crowd….. the gogetters…. the VIPs….
Needs more beige.
http://www.rogersfamilyco.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/confused.gif
I would note that none of this has solved the problem of the Case of the Missing Moose Avatar. I mean, it’s freakin’ me out, man!
This is… different.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/75452a6d027bf05012d8fb8ecc5c5d7f/tumblr_o3aylsY3Du1rdmmjro6_r1_400.gif
At least you can see the Edit button now.
Right, guys??? Guys?
Also, you have to reload the new comments in order for the Edit button to show up for those.
Before I hit refresh I saw the edit button by your comment.
http://dogearedanddogtagged.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Vol.-14-confused-gif.gif
I see no edit button; where is this hypothetical edit button at, supposing it existed?
The reply arrangement is kinda weird, but maybe I will live through this.
http://www.sharegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Alan-Rickman-Galaxy-Quest.gif
We can all get through these trying times together!
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I don’t like change! Whats with the tar heels color scheme?!
I kind of wish I was on Twitter to kiss Drew’s ass in prep for him signing at Powell’s (in *pfft* Beaverton) tomorrow, but on the other hand what can I say that isn’t already summed up in his stupid Chopped thumb dance gif?
Well…this is new
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SOOOOOOOOO disoriented now….. what happened?
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http://media.giphy.com/media/UQB2MBJ3NzHsQ/giphy.gif
Aaand imgur still doesnt work.
I think that’s a general WP issue, not specifically DFO.
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I talk to people so much for my job that I literally don’t want to talk to anyone when I leave work. It makes me resent my friends and family and significant other when they try to coax conversation out of me. Can’t you see I’m burnt?! But writing and reading have never ever bothered me. I wonder why?
On another subject, what’s with push brooms not being common in the house? I’m so much more competent with a push broom than one of those namby pamby regular old brooms that just become garbage after a few uses. Every house should have a push broom vent built in so that you can just push all that dust shit out the way. Screw picking it up and losing some of it with a dust pan and then trying to manipulate it ever so gingerly into the garbage. Screw that big time.
So I’m buying a cheap Chinese Raiders jersey and I thought while I was at it I’d pick one up for my wife’s brother, who is a Bears fan. I asked her whose jersey I should get for him.
First answer: Matt Forte.
Second answer: The kicker (funny because…)
I one time bough a Visa gift card to buy a knockoff Chinese Giants jersey. It cost me $50. So I “tracked” the “package” and when it had passed the date of arrival I asked the guy where my jersey was. He claimed the jersey couldn’t be delivered since I had left out an apartment number. So it was actually on it’s way back to China. I learned a $50 lesson that day.
Yeah, these ones are only $25 each.
And my original experience with it was fine.
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/confusedgif.gif
What happened in here?
We’re now HOORFLIEOPEN
Deleted cause Uproxx, plus this is better anyway.
Hey cool, new Frank, but I don’t have to re +1 it.
Wooooo automation!!!!!
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You can add Casino to that list next to Goodfellas (I think it’s better than Goodfellas), which is what I’m watching right now.
Boy, Vegas in the 70s seemed fun as fuck.
Sweet now layout. I knew the fuckups were just staggered feature implementations.
Anyway, someone posted this about Chicago in WYTS and I told my computer to fuck itself it is so absurd.
Ha! I’d love to blame it on the new look. So I will.
I’ve done my fair share of wordpress changeovers and someone visiting while you’re still tweaking it to be just right is likely to get all sorts of fun glitches.
http://iruntheinternet.com/lulzdump/images/gifs/confused-dog-looking-around-derp-1352998842B.gif
“I spent a lot of that class buzzed, trying to get into the pants of various Catholic school girls.”
I find it amusing that you phrased this in the past tense. Just saying.
I want to two Catholic schools from K-12. The uniforms at the high school were nowhere near sexy (Oh, there weren’t uniforms when I was a freshman; just a dress code that could be summed up today as Casual Friday office wear). The girls could wear khaki pants or these hideous khaki skirts, so they all wore pants (Which I now realize may explain why I am an ass man) and white polo-style shirts or plain white blouses. Because not only is the school on the top of a bluff overlooking Albuquerque, we also had to dress like that blasted wasteland-looking hellscape.
I feel your pain, Sir.
And we’re all ass men….that’s just standard operating procedure I think.
http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll88/BartukPics/schoolgirl-uniform1.jpg
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/453072/confused-o.gif
Oh, you!
http://www.theoriginalsaaf.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/chloe-moretz-confused-gif.gif
Wow!
That’s quite the format change!
/tiptoes in
Hey (brightly)! How’s my Grumpy Gus today?
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kLIewI6GDmo/UzmJZ6geV8I/AAAAAAAAFuA/pW79by0PHbM/s1600/Grandpa+Simpson.png
Sounds like he’s pretty grumpy!
But I know what turns a Grumpy Gus in to a Happy Harry!
http://www.finecooking.com/cms/uploadedimages/Images/Cooking/Articles/Issues_111-120/051115083-02-milk-chocolate-pudding-recipe_xlg.jpg
That’s right! And after pudding we can put on Sands Of Iwo Jima again and watch John Wayne shoot up a bunch of dastardly Japs,
then it’s lithium and fentanyl to scare off all the Night Night monsters!
I’ll be right back with the turkey basters!
//tiptoes out backwards
http://115.imagebam.com/download/NFlVrnasi9l7KVI0uUolBg/47834/478338871/72093fde047815ca931b2483f25f6871.jpg
…makes me want to embark on a blood binge that will never be satiated.
Sorry, that position is taken.
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/728330/82748776.jpg
It doesn’t help that he’s a sloppy eater
http://comicsalliance.com/files/2011/11/blade04.jpg
Dreams: zero patience for dream stories. They are so varied!
1.Weird, or
2. It Did Happen!
Someday I will have the utter lack of empathy to answer
1. Boy, yer subconscious is even more boring than you, or
2. Wow! I can’t decide if it was a coincidence or happenstance. Weird!