INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
The normally lavish office is in the middle of a remodel, with tarps covering the floor and masking tape applied strategically at various places. Painting implements (cans, brushes, rollers) are positioned oddly throughout the room, hanging from the walls and stuck to the floor as though they have somehow become fused or melted to the surfaces. A pair of sleazy Hollywood executives are behind the tarp-covered desk, peering at a laptop computer. The screen displays a webpage that is mostly text but is partially blocked by a badly proportioned image of a sexy librarian.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS: [seated] It’s still there.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [standing, watching over his shoulder] Did you try clearing the cache?
DTZM: What’s that?
RTD: I dunno, I just hear people say that sometimes.
DTZM: [furrows his brow]
RTD: [reaches for the keyboard] Maybe if you just…
DTZM: [slaps his hand away] Knock it off!
RTD: [backs away, palms in the air, prepares to settle onto the couch]
DTZM: [glances up] Oh, hey, yeah, maybe you want to sit on the other end. We were casting for the Barbarella reboot.
—[door flies open]—
YOU enter.
RTD: Oh, hey, you’re here.
DTZM: [makes an exaggerated show of checking his watch, with obvious intention that you’ll notice that it’s a special edition Apple Watch] In the future, at least try to be on time.
YOU: I was here! Your secretary said you were in a meeting…
DTZM: [waves off your protest] So as you can see, we’re making a few changes around here to spruce things up.
RTD: We’re trying to get things a little leaner for once the regular season starts. Keep those liveblogs running nice and smooth.
DTZM: It’s something of a work in progress. It’s gonna be great. [imitates Tim Kaine imitating Donald Drumpf] Believe me!
RTD: Ha ha ha! It really is. But our marketing guys thought it would be good to get a little feedback…
DTZM: A test screening, if you will.
RTD: …from John Q Public. So we’d love to hear any thoughts you might have.
YOU: Great, cause I…
DTZM: [hands you a pen and some paper, puts a finger to your lips] …shh…it’s much sexier if you write them down.
RTD: Which brings us to another thing. We’ve got season previews coming – starting on August 18 – and there’s a couple of teams that our egghead writers can’t seem to handle.
DTZM: So we’d like you to write them for us.
RTD: On spec.
DTZM: It’s your big change to break into the Hollywood writing scene!
YOU: Which teams?
RTD: The Indianapolis Colts, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the San Francisco 49ers.
DTZM: It’ll be fun! Gravy shortages, Jameis Winston, hobos in the middle of the night in railroad switchyards…these things practically write themselves!
YOU: I guess, sure…
RTD: Great! [points to paper] Write it down. We’ll need them in a couple of weeks.
DTZM: [hands you a fedora] Here’s your hat.
RTD: [ushering you towards the doorway] Leaving so soon? What’s your hurry?
YOU: I…
DTZM: Great, great, Tracyee will let you know where to send things.
RTD: [gently pushes you out the door] Maybe we’ll do lunch at Ammo. Ta!
DTZM: [closes the door] Now let’s get back to work. Preseason starts tomorrow!
RTD: [nods solemnly in agreement, pulls out vial of cocaine]
—
In case you missed it, we’re updating the site so please bear with us as we get the kinks worked out. If you’ve got issues to report or suggestions you’d like to make, please feel free to do so here. We’re also looking for volunteers to handle the Tampa Bay (9/2), Indianapolis (9/5), and San Francisco (8/20) previews, so if you think you’ve got what it takes, claim it in the comments and we’ll get in touch to coordinate things.
Oh, and since this is the general question/bitching post, is there a new method for posting images now? I’ve tried to post a few different pics and not one has shown up. And it keeps bouncing me to the top of the page after every comment.
Never mind, all better now.
Bucs aren’t my team but I can take them since I live local. Only issue is I’ll be on vacation and won’t have computer access. If I can turn it in to one of you beforehand I can do it.
So is this kind of like when the dumb kid raises his hand and the teacher pretends to not see him to save him from further embarrassment?
Is this still on? Add this to the CSS:
ol.comment-list li {
list-style-type: none;
padding: 0.5em 0;
}
Also change the classes on the two divs in the header to make room:
http://tdi.world/uploads/18667_dfo-header-fix.png
http://66.media.tumblr.com/1cf6506508ae97bdbd196aed0c913dee/tumblr_o30eb2uqYy1r73lylo1_400.gif
http://67.media.tumblr.com/0bb36290f831053660f4f2e1151b3604/tumblr_obk5lzUBJU1s2wio8o3_500.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/90e1030585f3d02d4a468324776bc6b3/tumblr_o3oqx91Dde1v8pcbfo1_500.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpBzmdj3G_0
So what are they selling? I watched the whole thing and couldn’t figure it out.
Themselves
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pr4USQjr9is
They need to pull Durant out of the game…
KD about to commit an act of treason at halftime so that he’s exiled to Australia.
http://www.ohmagif.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/at-the-movie-theater.gif
Packman Jon must be writing his namesake. Is logical.
If Baynes & Bogut foul out, Kangaroos are fucked.
For some reason I have the Aussie feed on here in Canadia and they are called “The Boomers”, the more you know.
OBEY THE HYPNO HIPPO…….
http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/jonnybravo/374022.gif
This is an awesome game
The degree to which the world rewards abject fucktardery is staggering:
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/real-time/Curt-Schilling-considers-run-for-president.html
Boogie is borderline about to on one of his fits. When you see that face its about to go down.
We already know who is doing the Donks preview.
http://i529.photobucket.com/albums/dd336/Me-Helma/Dancing/hippo.gif
http://cdn.gifbay.com/2013/03/hippo_fart-36919.gif
Did McConaughey just say “alright”?
You guys forgot asbestos remediation.
http://s2.favim.com/orig/28/funny-sex-in-the-city-Favim.com-236354.gif
Hearing Thibs barking defense never changes
This squad is putting in some serious work on defense.
“Those are some ugly looking free throws.” – Luc Longley
Inorite???
– Shaq
/realizes the phone never rang for the Bills preview.
Awwwwwww
So who is doing the Iggles? Gratliff or Why Eagles Why?
/realizes am 3rd in the pecking order, much sads.
“Where is Mamula?! “
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/kazecat/Hyacinth-hippo-splash.gif
That topknot that Baynes has is incredible, Why would any man do this, I may be showing my age (40) but Jesus Fuck he looks like an idiot.
Coach Rat Face is standing up. Shit is getting serious.
Bogut looks determined to make Klay, Draymond and the Slim Reaper cry.
This feels weird to me. I don’t know what to think anymore.
Did I walk through the wrong door? Am I on the right side of the tracks for once?
smgdh
/story of every day of my life
Folks, we’ve got ourselves a basketball game! The Aussies looking good. Patty Mills all day.
Some dingus is currently climbing the Trump Tower in Midtown.
Is there any chance it’s Trump?
/go gravity!!!!!!
http://thecuck.gawker.com/welcome-to-gawkers-new-mens-site-the-cuck-1785101113
That’s a real thing, people. Because Adequate Man’s weird posts about fucking aren’t weird enough.
Is that what’s passing for satire now?
Gawker’s lifestyle blogs are terrible, because only 24 year-old hipster caricatures write for them. I started ignoring them after they told me, a perfectly adequate 40 year old dude, to listen to Young Thug, wear Tevas, put coconut moisturizer on my face, and eat rhubarb. This is how I felt every time I read one of those posts:
and then:
The only time rhubarb is acceptable is when it is in strawberry pie form:
I haven’t seen this many Koreans go down that hard since Soulless In Seoul #7: Oral Fixation!
Hee hee…that was fabulous.
(Please banner quote this.)
http://www.musicaneo.com/data/upload/101512_w_560x720.jpeg
Fuck me. Sorry, wrong reply button.
1 — 0
http://thirstyreader.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/bowld.jpg
I reiterate my call for a bigger font for posts and comments!
Buy stronger glasses. That’s what I did.
😉
THE LATEST SALVO IN THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE WARS:
“We’re excited to announce that today, National S’mores Day, we’re celebrating 100 years of Girl Scouts selling cookies by introducing the new Girl Scout S’mores™ cookies. That’s right! We’re combining two iconic Girl Scout traditions—s’mores and Girl Scout Cookies! Joining legendary classics like Thin Mints® and Caramel deLites®/Samoas®, the new Girl Scout S’mores™ cookies will be carried in select markets during the 2017 cookie season.
And it gets even better! As a nod to the different ways people “s’more,” the new variety includes two versions: a crispy graham cookie double dipped in a crème icing and enrobed in a chocolatey coating and a crunchy graham sandwich cookie with a chocolate and marshmallowy filling. The cookies will be the first new addition to the Girl Scout Cookie lineup since 2015.”
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
USA women are murderkilling the Serbs.
Something something Serbs something something since Gnjilane in 1915!
YOU enter.
You’re damn right I enter…and exit…and enter…and stop to gather my thoughts…shit…I’ll be back tomorrow or the day after
DTZM: It’s your big chance to break into the Hollywood writing scene! We can’t pay you, of course, but you’ll be receiving significant exposure!
I’ve got $12 I’m willing to pay him.
(what? the refurbished digs here cost that much?)
I’ve got $0.12 I’m willing to pay him.
HARF HARF HARF
Mistah Christie — he dead.
SOMETHING SOMETHING HILLARY CLINTON SOMETHING SOMETHING EMAILS SOMETHING SOMETHING PRISON SOMETHING
I THOUGHT THEY WERE PAST PRISON AND ONTO ASSASSINATION
Make it do that thing that the other site I like does.
This is the best headline of the year: http://deadspin.com/sis-peter-king-i-like-to-eat-diarrhea-its-good-mmm-1785099461
And it inspired what is probably its best comment: http://deadspin.com/he-likes-to-eat-diarrhea-on-a-hot-dog-serious-question-1785100602
Can we get some of those guitars, that are like, double guitars?
I use variations of that line in my real life probably more often than any other Simpsons quote.
Sounds to me like you’re going to need more rubber stamps then.
Here are some of my suggestions for other things to add to the site:
A button that can be clicked on and beer comes out of your monitor.
GPS on every DFOer so we can easily locate each other and get into bourble.
The lifting of the nudity ban (one can hope)
A live cam feed from DTZM’s bunker.
Free samples of every Sunday Gravy delivered to your door with the push of a button
Any other suggestions?
And in a sudden turn, jjfozz is now the front runner for president
THIS “YOU” I CALL HIM “ME” BECAUSE BITCHING AND COMPLAINING IS ALL “ME”!
“DTZM: [hands you a pen and some paper, puts a finger to your lips] …shh…it’s much sexier if you write them down.”
/still laughing
?
Does the IND writer get some a participant gift?
I might know a guy for the Indy preview:
?quality=90&w=650
We have to think we have what it takes to write here? Shit.
OH YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nf8EgETCxv8
So I was doing some research for an upcoming post and just had to share:
http://czabe.com/the-post/brace-browns-fans-can-always-get-worse-usually/
Note the lone comment (from 2014) at the bottom of the post.
Blaxabbath is jealous af now
Writing has been on the wall for me for some time now. I’m just waiting for DTZM & RTD to hold a presser where they assure the media that I am a valued member of this organization and they’re committed to me.
In Baltimore, “a valued member” is a gang member who owns more than one bullet proof vest
I volunteer Covalent Blonde for the 49ers, because I want to keep making CB-related Niner jokes in HRTN.
Also, I plan on snail-mailing you my Seahawks preview. It will be written in green crayon and smell like vodka, cigarettes and desperation, so you can’t miss it.
“Blonde? Yeah, she’s good.”
— Chip Kelly
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
/breaks red crayon
//knocks over ashtray in disgust and starts fire
///tries too put out fire with vodka
(oops)