Although his powers of evil are completely capable of making it happen, not even RGshithead (that’s Roger Goodell) would cancel six games. Right? (my glass is half full btw) So here we are-cheering for football itself, our fave teams and most importantly, NO INJURIES. This is who we are, folks. This is our wheelhouse, this is our equivalent of volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. This is where we do good work. I’m a bit leery yakking about teams in too much detail because we’ve got some awesomely jizztastic team previews in the pipeline but here she goes-
Was/Atl-OBJ-molester Josh Norman makes his dee-butt for the Redacted. A general sense of hopefulness is overshadowing the eventual reality of Daniel Snyder’s overwhelming doucheness taking this team down to 6-10. It really doesn’t matter what the perpetual do-nothing Falcons do in the pre-season. You may want to cast an eye towards CJ Goodwin, a wr that has converted to cb and is turning heads. That’s the NFL’s version of Cool Story Bro.
TB/Philly-Absolute nobody Cameron Bates has stolen the TE job from Austin (The Hyphen) Jenkins. [wanking motion] This may be the last time you get to enjoy the pedestrian work of rb Mike James. Philly-wise, highly-prized qb rookie (pun alert!) Carson Wontz go missing for the majority of the 2nd half.
N.O/N.E.-The twilight of Drew Brees’ career is upon us and if several tens of thousands of fantasy players get their way, CJ Spiller will be occupying the same fate. Qb-wise Garrett Grayson will get the majority of the work later on in the game. Pats-wise-I fucking hate the team and their fans and this will never change.
Car/Bal-Apparently the Panthers did some Wawesome (that’s Wow! and Awesome! combined) things last year. Perhaps they’ll continue in that vein if Kelvin Benjamin and Devin Funchess win the starting jobs at wr. I can’t remember which height/weight belongs to who but one is 6’4″, 225 and the other is 6’5″, 245. GOOD GOD! Baltimore, in their infinite wisdom, counters with Ryan Mallet.
Jax/Jets-It looks as though the Jags are on their way up-6th rd. rb Brandon Allen is trying to sneak on to the roster by bringing it in the 2nd half. Jalin Marshall, a draftee from Ohio State has lit it up at Jets camp. In Todd Bowles’ war room there is talk of implementing The Marshall Plan at wide receiver.
Den/Chi-Did you know that as anonymous commenters we share 98% of our DNA with Bronc qb Simian? (I spelled it wrong intentionally!) Chicago speaking, Brian Hoyer’s tendency to “not give a shit” is up 74.3% while under the tutelage of Jay Cutler.
LET’S GET AT IT, FOLKS-THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINE!
/sorry about the lateness..
(In 1976)
“Yeah, lets put a plastic cap in the water pipe. I’m sure it won’t break in 40 years and flood the entire basement.”
the decade of bad ideas…in so many facets of life
You really should have gone for the faucets pun.
WOO FOOHBAWW
Bob’s Discount Furniture-sponsored announcers are cautiously optimistic about Jimmy G.
HOLY FUCKBALLS LOOK OUT NFL!!!
Coaching staff and such doesn’t actually give a shit about winning preseason games, right? Or are they just stupidly competitive for no goddamn reason? Generally, if it comes down to FG or go for it, when field goal would tie close to the end of a game, they go for it. I assume this is because who wants preseason OT? NOONE.
Correct the coaches and the players really dont want to even to play them
MM doesn’t give a shit about winning them. He tends to dump the benches early.
We’re just talking preseason there though; Matt Millen empirically didn’t give a shit about winning any game.
http://media.philly.com/images/600*450/20120925_dn_0mavm46l.jpg
Houston Texans at Philadelphia Eagles, 9/29/02
The Quadrafecta
1 Int, 1 FR, 1 Sack, 1 57 yard TD reception from Brian Mitchell on a HB option.
I love Carson Wentz college highlights. It’s like the football scene in Something About Mary.
little known fact: Piglet was an ardent anarchist
that little soldier DON’T GIVE NO FUCKS!!!
wait, wounded duck off back foot into traffic? Mebbe Janine IS Brittfar after all. Someone pull down his britches real quick.
Ladies and Gentlemen during the Olympics are the only time watching teenagers in spandex is not only encouraged but considered your patriotic duty.
Damn no NFL network during preseason stuck watching Ravens
not much hailing, Redacteds ,, smgdh
Redheads?
The fuck?!? When did the Bears pick up Hoyer off the scrap heap? Why am I not being briefed on this shit?? How come I can’t no Tang round here??
http://i.imgur.com/lZBXkyr.png
http://media.giphy.com/media/x4DJXQJIs54re/giphy.gif
I guess now is as good a time as any to begin the “Brian Dawkins for 2017 HOF” campaign. Interestingly, no one seems to think he’s going to make it in, including me, which is a fucking travesty, because he’s one of the best safeties of all time.
It’s hard for safeties to get in. I think LeRoy Butler needs to be in.
Bias excluded, I completely agreed for both
Nooooooooo! There’s some not-bad running back that racked up 10000 yards in 12 years or something that needs to go in first.
Well Gratliff looks like you and I are taking a road trip to go and “Bill Cosby” Peter King and steal his vote. I mean hell, he wanted to Darren Sharper in the hall. We will just be giving him the “Harper” experience.
OK, Siemian is doing it too. Maybe it is the Bears.
Sigh…. yuuuuup. Really thought the D would take a step forward this year. Well, it’s still early.
Geno Smith sucks.
Seriously why did the Jets – oh.
NFL Network is selling their Sunday Nighter as a battle between somebody from the Texans and Carlos Hyde from the Niners.
Texans?
yeah, why hide from someone who doesn’t exist??
Oops. Oilers. I meant Oilers.
I mith Mike Mayock on Thurthday Nighths.
I wasth justht thinking the thame thing
“I was thinking…wait what was I thinking about?”
Trent Green
Oooh some candy
Where did Mike Mayock go?
I just remembered Joel Stave got signed by the Vikings
BAWAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHA
CARSON WENTZ! FALSE START! PLAN THE PARADE!
Jimmy Garapalo is already better than Tom Brady has ever been!
“This comment sponsored by Bob’s Discount Furniture”
Nuts, Denver’s defense is still looking pretty good.
Todd Davis is a good replacement at MLB. Could actually be better up the middle.
Wade is a very good defensive coordinator. He really is.
That line is going to get Cutler murdered
DOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAARE!!!! Sorry, just wanted to get that in early in the pre season.
That line against the Donks’ front 7 is just mean.
“Eh, whatever”
– Cutler
THERE’S the Nacho we know!
Huh. Interception that wasn’t Nacho’s fault. Who knew?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that…”
– Jameis Winston
Pats’ pre-season jackass compares Janine Garaffalo to Brittfar. For tossing a screen pass. Napalm??
Nuke Foxboro from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
If it’s pre-season Pats football, it’s sponsored by Bob’s Discount Furniture.
It is not the Bears’ fault. The Sanchize can only be an upgrade FOAR teh 2016 Donks.
My memory of him as a successful Jets starter is him Doug Pedersoning the fuck out of the football for 3.9 quarters, and then hitting a 4th quarter for a prayer over and over again. Is this a faithful remembrance of the true Sanchize?
Yes, why IS Zach Ertz playing at the end of the first half in the first pregame? I’d like to think Doug Pederson doesn’t want him to lose an ACL for an exhibition.
If it ain’t hurtz, it ain’t Ertz
Grat in all honesty what do you think our record will be this season? I foresee crosseyes getting murdered about week 4, then a couple blown games for clock management and then lil Dakota Jesus starting the last four games where he shows just enough that he is named starter next year. All in all 6- 10 this season followed by a 7 – 9
This year’s record will be most yards lost to sacks.
Kittysack
Kitty’s Ack?
http://rs241.pbsrc.com/albums/ff278/eotwp1/Bloom%20County/bill_the_cat_2.jpg
K tity sack
http://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/75/56/882280747-bill_the_cat_by_combatcrayola97-d3j3fc0.jpg
jesus bears
https://twitter.com/NFL/status/763891619321946114
Yuuuuuuup… Moar vodka.
http://cdn0.wideopenspaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/bear-with-beer.png
This makes me miss Rexy G….
http://misterirrelevant.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Sex-Cannon.jpg
What? There are plenty of good teams that have made Nacho look goohahahahaha
It’s pre-season after all. Why don’t the head coaches give up the headphones after the first few plays and joke around with the assistant coaches?
ItshereitshereitshereITSHEREITSHEREMOTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!!!
/passes out
//loses bladder control
Watching the Mallet led Ravens take on the Panthers
In “Very True News” today, I saw a young-ish black bear get run over while trying to cross the highway. Crap.
Oh that sucks, happens here in the mountains but they have blocked off the highways so it is usually the trains that get em.
OH AN’ HE SEXY!!!!!!
I have to wait until 9:30 until I get my first preseason dose. Staying strong.
You’ve got plenty of time to start drinking
Sanchize in FIELD GOAL position!!! He is a force of goddamned nature, like Rex’s kale shits.
Sweet baby Jesus YESSSSSSSS!!! The wasteland that is the off-season is ovah!!
Instead of watching shitty foohbaw WATCH ROBOTSFIGHTINGDINOSAURS
https://www.twitch.tv/robotsfightingdinosaurs
Meanwhile, in the Olympics Aly Raisman is sporting her +3 agility fur gauntlets.
Jesus, that field hasn’t been used for six months, and it STILL looks like garbage.
Nacho time!
I am LEGITIMATELY excite!!! Let the Mile High Sanchize era begin!!!!
/Hippo has to watch on DVR, soooo jelly that Moose gets to watch live
THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!
http://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/rex4.jpg
The Saints are gonna be shit, ain’t they?
If there is a fair and loving god
I’ve got nothing but Saints/Pats. I usually get about 3 or 4 games…BOOOOO!!!!@!
RedZone is free 4 pre-season nights, including this one. Dunno if this offer applies to maple syrup thugs or not…
We are different than bone thugs. I accept that. And no we do not get the free view.
Bunches of Funchesses!!!!
Just read the WYTS on the Raiders. “Raider Boat” needs to happen.
Josh Huff fucking bowls the ball forward 10 yards, and apparently putting the ball out of bounds during a fumble is a penalty?
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
If Carson Wentz isn’t Donovan McNabb reborn, the Eagles are fucked. He’s not going to have shit to work with.
THAT’S NOT…true…[trails off]
My god. I forgot about the tip drill interceptions. So many fucking tip drills.