Your “I Want Football And Boobs-Not Necessarily In That Order” Friday Night Open Thread

Aren’t breasts of all kinds completely amazing in every way? Let me tell you about my latest experience that occurred just hours ago. I was at the grocery store and I was completely blown away by a perfect set. They were sticking out like a sore thumb at the deli counter. Needless to say, I bought that wondrous pair as soon as I got to the front of the line. They’re cooling in the fridge right now and I can’t wait to smother them in mayo, pepper and top them with lettuce and cheese. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah.

Jets/Redacteds-Nate Sudfeld, all 6’6″, 235 lbs. of him, was a scintillating 10/15 for 89 yds. last week. Scouts just lurv the hell out of these big body types. “He’s got the height to see over the line, the frame to withstand punishment, half-decent mobility and a cannon for an arm!” [Coaching staff gives him a script of plays that don’t involve any throws over 5 yards] “But, uh, but…the defence has to THINK that he might go long AT ANY TIME!” This is your NFL at the moment, folks.

Jets 2nd round qb pick Christian Hackenburg didn’t see any action at all last week. I guess when you’ve got a logjam of mediocrity at the position you don’t want to…expose the heir apparent to playing time? I’m just riffing here. There’s a position battle going on at the te spot. Jace Amaro and Kellen Davis won’t be deciding it on ability, that’s for sure. Maybe a chicken wing-eating contest? “Hey Jace, there’s too much meat left on that drumstick, that one doesn’t count!”

Fins/’Boys-DAK! Prescott’s light might shine a wee bit less due to a certain starting qb’s first appearance in the preseason. Chants of “Romo, Romo-how fat art thou?” will not be ringing through the upper levels of AT&T Stadium, not because it’s a home game but because Cowboys fans aren’t literate. First round rb Elliot is a no-show tonight because his slight hamstringy thingy is being baby-ed by training staff. [makes note to read Ezekiel chapter of bible in order to make more salient references]

Arian Foster will make a small debut for Miami tonight. Ill-informed dudebros everywhere will make references to his veganism but partially-informed open thread-makers like myself will make light of the fact that he is a yoga practitioner. Here goes…”All the women in Arian’s hot yoga class think that he’s a poser”.

Ari/S.D.-In non-sequitur news, David Johnson won me my auction league last year. In further non-sequitur news, I like Bruce Arians’ head gear. That’s about all I have for the Cards this week.

If Melvin and Gordon put it together this year, being offensive won’t be a problem for the Chargers this year. In a perfect, injury-free scenario, I can picture Marmalard tearing through defences the same way that Sarah, Gunner, Halle, Grace, Rebecca, Caroline and Peter have torn through Tiffany’s vagina.*

*Alanis Morissette thinks that comment is ironic

 

 

 

 

 

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Spur
Spur

Sulu Dance

https://youtu.be/lFzRNWf7Gi0

Balloon Knot. OH MY!!!!!!

Sill Bimmons

Bucs opening up a can of whoopass in the 7th: 2 on, 2 out, 5 — 3 good guys.

...

The Cubs are in rain delay so Comcast is showing me the A’s thunderfucking the White Sox instead. Can’t we just watch infomercials instead?

King Hippo

YOU WANT THE PENDING CARDS 9TH INNING COMEBACK WOO!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Usain Bolt: Fast man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

/disappointingly

Sill Bimmons

Gave up on your son, eh?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You have 11 asshole. And I am terrible about favoriting individual comments so don’t expect me to love your post

Spur

Dak may be the GOAT, but Tony Romo’s smile will melt your heart.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

imgur pic so it won’t work by default but it is also NSFW so the link is gonna be broken anyways

h
ttp://i.imgur.com/P1Hw2DP.gif

King Hippo

Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals are losing. I know all are heartborken along with me. I mean AMERICA IS BETTER when STL is in teh playoffs ,, amirite???

King Hippo

I have oft wondered…exactly WHY was Jerry a shogun named Marcus??

Shogun Marcus

Jerry Was A Racecar Driver-Primus
+
A Shogun Named Marcus-Clutch
=me

King Hippo

He did drive so goddamned fast ,, smgdh

Shogun Marcus

Never did win the checkered flag, but he never did come in last.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

King Hippo

holy shit…2 FOAR 2 again

/moose doing teh Lord’s work tonight CHUH CHUH

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[Proceeds to get pegged senseless.]

Spur

Cowboy D looking somewhat decent
comment image

Kungjitsu

I have a feeling the US of A is about to get dusted again by the Jamaicans in the 4×100

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So coke shipped through Jamaica?

Kungjitsu

Vai Japan. #NewTriangleTrade

King Hippo

TannyFanny is READY FOAR the season!!

Gratliff

Holy shit. Is this still the first half?

King Hippo

they would rather we not sleep

Senor Weaselo

This is a very fitting comment.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

NSFW Redhead

h
ttp://66.media.tumblr.com/b9432bc1e0e0ef0534dd05d485e1a2a4/tumblr_nzkey9kUKu1uemat9o2_1280.jpg

Spur

Let’s ban flags for the second half.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

She seems nice.

King Hippo

SMART TOO!!

King Hippo

Engage Hippo’s shoulder fetish AND his leg man base nature? Check and CHECK!

Senor Weaselo

Even more impressively, the Google was unable to inform me of her identity.

...

I’m so bored that I’m going to pay bills and estimate whether I owe income taxes for next year. (This year was very good to me and I’m afraid I’ll have to cut a check to the Feds to make up for it.)

herodotus450

Should try a spreadsheet bro, they’re pretty dope.

...

Oh, I’ll spreadsheet. I’ll spreadsheet so fucking hard.

herodotus450

Heh, yeah. Spreadsheets are ok, but you ever try a macro-enabled spreadsheet? I got one right here, I could let you try it for free…

...

This feels like the time a prostitute cornered me in Berlin trying to get me to spend way too much money on something I’ll regret later.

herodotus450

If you want to allow editing of any of my spreadsheets it’s $50 extra.

Spur

Alfred Morris is looking pretty goo

King Hippo

My God, that is just heart-stoppingly beatiful. I honestly mean nothing prurient by that. Just in awe of her beauty.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should be just posting gifs of her

comment image

Spur

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRa_PwL2aws

I hope you step on a fucking lego

Spur

Zeke is like “hey guys remember when I had a hype train?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GOD DAMN IT CHARLOTTE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

The Orioles hit four homeruns before making a single out in their game tonight.

They trail 12-8 in the 6th.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t remind me.
Cockiness and shitty pitching will do that.

Spur

Why is Tannehill still out there?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
litre_cola

The Jamaican 4X100 team is fucking sexy.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Over/under on how long until Jerry Jones ruins this quarterback’s health?

Spur

Que it up Dak!!!!!!!!!!!

https://youtu.be/GAN_O9xRkf4

Spur

Watching Dak run makes my nips hard.

/no homo

Sill Bimmons

Shit, looks like the Cowboys might have a decent QB again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit, I forgot to eat again. You funny MR’ers are gonna get me in trouble.
Back later.

theeWeeBabySeamus

MF’ers, is of course what I meant.
Damn my typing.

Spur

Its official. Dak is blessed.

...

He’ll be bigger than Quincy Carter!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee, I was hoping you’d pick it up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Did I tell you guys about the new navigation system I had installed in my truck?
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Had to get Debbie a look before ending this theme.

Sill Bimmons

Does it sound out the directions in Morse drumming?

theeWeeBabySeamus

They have that?
/buyer’s remorse engaged

Spur

MacGruber kicks ass. Fuck you if you don’t “get it”
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/2218488/macgruber-o.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I got the DVD as a gift like 5 years ago. I still have never watched it

Spur

comment image

Spur

She looks bouyet.

Spur

buoyant. I can’t edit my shit!?!

Sill Bimmons

Fat ass 2/10 WOULD NOT BANG