A Greatly Uninformed 2016 Detroit Lions Preview

Head Coach: Jim Caldwell, baby!

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Key Players:  Matthew Stafford (QB), Golden Tate (WR), Marvin Jones (WR),  Ameer Abdullah (RB), DeAndre Levy (LB), Ezekiel Ansah (DE)

Key Losses/Suspensions:  MEGATRON.  Nothing else matters.

Notable Draft Picks:  Taylor Decker (OT, Ohio State), A’Shawn Robinson (DT, Alabama), Graham Glasgow (C, Michigan), Miles Killebrew (Southern Utah)

Notable Free Agent Signings:  Marvin Jones (WR), Anquan Boldin (WR),  Jeremy Kerley (WR), Andre Caldwell (WR) [Yes, the Lions signed any and all wide receivers.  Hopefully they didn’t resign Matt Millen, though!],  Rafael Bush (S), Tavon Wilson (S), Johnson Bademosi (S) [Yes, and safeties].

50 Questions for 2016 (written while sober, as drinking and thinking about the Lions could drive a man to suicide):

  1. So Megatron retired, which kind of sucks for everyone, doesn’t it?
  1. He was definitely the best receiver of the last 10 years, right?
  1. Do you think there is a chance the Lions will be better without him (*snicker*)?
  1. Do you think Megatron retired because he went to Matt Stafford’s wedding and they made him wear one of these hats?
  1. So was it greedy for Stafford’s wife to sell her Lions tickets because she is a millionaire?
  1. Or is it okay because, for fuck sake, they are Lions tickets?
  1. Golden Tate is a pretty annoying player, right?
  1. Did he bang Russell Wilson’s ex-wife, or is that just a rumor?
  1. He definitely stole donuts from Top Pot, though, which makes me wonder why Pacific Northwesterners get so fired up arguing about what the best donut shop is?
  1. Donuts really aren’t worth arguing about, are they?
  1. I wonder if Detroit has a signature donut?
  1. Detroit does have a signature pizza, which is delicious. Aren’t regional pizza arguments the worst, as taste is subjective?
  1. Do you think Stafford, obviously a fan of donuts and pizza, has a favorite donut and regional pizza style?
  1. Stafford is from Texas, so I wonder if there is a Texas style of pizza?
  1. Why are Stafford’s eyes so close together?
  1. Do you think he sees dead people, too, since he sees ghosts on the football field all of the time?
  1. I wonder if Lions fans miss Ndamukong Suh?
  1. Why are the Lions collecting defensive lineman with difficult names to spell (Haloti Ngata, Ezekiel Ansah)?
  1. Is Ngata any good anymore?
  1. Does anyone know who these people are: Quandre Biggs, Nevin Lawson, Glover Quinn, and Rafael Bush?
  1. Are they actually the members of a British-Invasion era band called “The Lyons”?
  1. Did you know the Lions are called the Lions because the majority owner of the team at the time, George Richards (who brought the Portsmouth Spartans to Detroit in 1934), said “the lions are the monarch of the jungle”, and he intended for his team to be “the monarch of the NFL”?
  1. How did that work out for you, George?
  1. Does it bother you that lions are called the “kings of the jungle” but live in the open savanna?
  1. The Detroit Tigers are named after the Detroit Light Guard military unit, who fought in the Civil War and the Spanish-American war, and the Detroit Red Wings are named as an homage to a Montreal sporting club and the auto industry, and they both have great logos. There are about 1,000 better names and logos than the Lions and this, right?
  1. Do you think Detroit is called “the Paris of the Midwest” because its name was originally in French (Detroit was named by French colonists as le détroit du lac Érié, meaning “the strait of Lake Erie”)?
  1. Did you know that Dan Orlovsky is still the back-up quarterback for Detroit?
  1. Do you guys remember [BRAND NEW MINNESOTA VIKINGS STARTING QUARTERBACK] Shaun Hill*?
  1. Or Joey Harrington?
  1. Wow, Scott Mitchell sure got fat, didn’t he?
  1. Which is worse, the Lions quarterback list or the Bears quarterback list?
  1. That Orlovsky safety is the definition of Lions football, isn’t it?
  1. Or maybe this play?
  1. Or maybe the no-call in the Dallas playoff game?
  1. Or maybe the fact that the “Calvin Johnson rule”, the ultimate distillation of the unfairness, failure, and stupidity of the NFL, is based upon a great play by the best player on the worst team, and its interpretation has somehow hurt the Lions but helped the Packers?
  1. It’s not a surprise that an article about depression and suicide was written about two ex-Lions quarterbacks, is it?
  1. This isn’t a question, but writing about the Lions is making me depressed.
  1. Is there anything positive to say about this team?
  1. Wasn’t Barry Sanders the best?
  1. Did you know the Lions are getting cheerleaders this year, leaving the Bills, Bears, Browns, Packers, Giants, and Steelers as the only teams without cheerleaders?
  1. Did you know the Bears haven’t beaten the Lions since 2012?
  1. Who would win a real fight between a bear and a lion?
  1. Isn’t it strange that they had to use tiger roars in “The Lion King” because lion roars don’t sound as ferocious?
  1. The Ford family really has no idea what they are doing, do they?
  1. Do you think the Ford family would better manage the team if they embraced their Nazi sympathizer roots?
  1. Walt Disney liked the Nazis too, probably?
  1. I mean, seriously, how can a team be so bad for so long?
  1. If someone forced you to choose between becoming a Browns fan or a Lions fan, who would you choose ?
  1. Does anyone who reads DFO even root for the Lions?
  1. Can failed 2014 draft pick Kyle Van Noy turn his career around and live up to the off season hype?

Most Likely Scenario for 2016:  Detroit goes .500 in the division and finishes third, with an overall record of 7-9.  They will have several marquee division wins over Minnesota and Green Bay, and several terrible loses to the Titans and Redskins.  The wheels keep spinning.

Best Case Scenario for 2016: Aaron Rodgers is injured, the Vikings regress without Bridgewater, and the Bears are the Bears.  Minnesota goes 7-9, Chicago goes 4-12, leaving Detroit and Green Bay tied at 9-6 going into Week 17 and setting the stage for an epic, winner-takes-all battle at Ford Field.  The Lions, up by two, give the Packers the ball back with 25 seconds left. Pinned at their own 27 yard line with 3 seconds left (due to two straight running plays and timeouts called by Mike McCarthy), Rodgers throws a Hail Mary to a wide open Devante Adams, who drops what would have been a sure touchdown at the Detroit 25 yard line.  However, the Lions are called for three penalties:  roughing the passer, defensive holding, and pass interference at the 25 yard line.  Replays show that Rodgers was not touched, that a Packers lineman was literally stabbing Ziggy Ansah with a knife, and that the Lions defender on Adams, newly acquired safety Chris Conte, never held Adams and actually fell over his own feet near the 50 yard line, leaving him 30 yards away from the drop.  However, penalties remain unreviewable and Mason Crosby drills the 42 yarder. Sad ass-eating commences, as Detroit goes 9-7 and misses the playoffs. Green Bay then loses the wild card game to the Seattle Seahawks at home. The officiating crew is chosen to officiate the Super Bowl between Carolina Panthers and the upstart Cleveland Browns, led by record-setting rookie passer Cody Kessler.

Worst Case Scenario for 2016:  Killed by a Minnesota dentist.

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*RIP, Teddy Bridgewater.

 

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Doktor ZymmDon TMoose -The End Is Well NighLow Commander of the Super SoldiersThe Right Reverend Electric Mayhem Recent comment authors
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Doktor Zymm

24) YES

Don T

Wonderful stuff. AND, I can’t remember the last time someone forecast a loss against the Titans. Makes me wanna hug someone, I’ll tell you that much.

You know who’s in the “best WR of the last 10 years” discussion? Andre Johnson.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

RANT TIME: Taste, within a given range, is subjective and open to argument. However, there are certain extremes outside the ‘normal’ range where there is no reasonable argument. If you state that a Burger King hamburger is ‘better’ than a porterhouse from Gibson’s, you are objectively wrong. If you think 50-grit sandpaper makes ‘better’ sheets than Egyptian cotton, you are objectively wrong. If you think Imo’s Pizza is ‘better’ than getting punched repeatedly in the groin, you are objectively wrong.

That’s not to say you can’t have a weird personal preference that falls outside the mainstream. That’s cool, you do your own thing- the internet will provide for you no matter how freaky your flag. But you have to acknowledge that you are the outlier and not phrase it as a generalized assertion of superiority.

blaxabbath

I’ll take some good ol’ fashioned all-american made in china sandpaper over that ARAB COTTON any day!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m this way about coffee and all the time I hear people talk about how some pre-ground crap they’ve made at home “tastes just as good.” I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really engage these people since they don’t have a taste for coffee, but I generally can’t stifle myself when they say “there is no difference.”

There is absolute a difference between the $20 a bag stuff I buy from a high-end local roaster than the $9.99 jumbo bag you buy at the supermarket and grind in that absolutely filthy fucking in-store coffee grinder. The fact you can’t taste it, doesn’t mean there’s no different, it just means you don’t have a sense for it. (This applies to beer, beef, whisk(e)y, and so on.)

Of course, that won’t stop those assholes from telling you that you’re a sucker and roll their eyes at the idea of paying “too much” for something they’ve only had in cheap, bleh form.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s just it; subjective is when you state your preference, which can be anything, by using the word “better” you are stating that your preference is objective…WHICH IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIIIIIIIIIT.

Now, by removing preference and stating compositional differences, you can have a reasonable discussion on WHY you prefer something over the other, but this will never happen on the internet. The problem here is that preference is influenced heavily by the experience of having that item in their lives. For instance if as a kid you and your dad went to Burger King as a treat, bonded there over limp French fries and had great times, but you went to Gibson’s and while eating a Porter House (rare) you wife blindsided you with divorce papers, and your leg was shot off in the parking lot I could see why you’d have a preference.

Don T

That definitely applies to “taste” being a measure of quality or refinement / boorishness (“good taste” or “bad taste”).
But taste as one of the five senses… Not agreed. In that way, taste is reduced to preference, and quality of the product is not the end-all / be-all. What Moose said, essentially.
I agree as to the Internet covering all types of weird shit. But don’t you find the hive-mind dynamic towards the popular to be as strong (or stronger) than in real life? I certainly do.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Trump’s trip to Mexico is of the “that plan just might be crazy enough to work” variety except without any idea of what the actual outcome is if it does, indeed, “work”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I like the follow-up tweet he made about “lefties” not having a sense a humor. Buddy, half the responses that “joke” of yours were funnier than every attempt at humor you’ve ever tweeted combined.

Joe Walsh is the face of mediocrity raised to prominent via privilege.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY below mediocrity.

Rocky Mountain Way Joe Walsh is excellent, however.

blaxabbath

Hillary is going to win this and everyone knows it. What I don’t understand is how her supporters aren’t just enjoying the ride. They should be Hippo a la SB 48.

Or, not Hippo actually, Beastmodeatemybaby’s wife I mean.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Ask the other Republican primary candidates what can happen when you assume Trump is going to crash and burn. We must keep our sensible high heel on the neck of The Beast until 3 a.m. on November 9, then give him the ol’ double-tap just to make sure.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You’re right, Jim Caldwell has been surprisingly quiet on the subject.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Some of it probably trying to avoid complacency so people actually show up.

Some of it comes from the chance Trump wins is not zero even if it is small and he’ll still win far more states than a person of his competence should.

Some of it is reacting the all of the dreck that’s been dredged up the Trump candidacy embracing every ugly, provocative part of white identity politics and people can’t help but respond.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s the same thing they said about Brexit.

jjfozz

“Upon hearing about the injury, Joe Flacco – who is returning from an ACL tear – sent Bridgewater an gift basket that contained two jars of Hellman’s mayonnaise, three loaves of Wonder Bread, Kraft All American Single Wrapped Cheese, cauliflower, white rice, and chocolate ice milk.”

Remarking upon the last item in the list, Flacco said, “Well, I figured he needed something with a little ‘zing’ in it to help with his recovery.”

Flacco is expected to recover quickly from his use of the word ‘zing.’

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, sorry man; don’t jump off the Bridgewater just yet: good defense, good coach, good running game…. and they have Detroit and Chicago in the division.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I keep telling myself if Peyton can win a Super Bowl on the shoulders of his defense, (unnamed QB… probably Nacho) can too.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

THIS MARK SANCHEZ, I CALL HIM “LUTEFISK” BECAUSE HE’S TERRIBLE AND GELATINOUS

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Herm: GOOD LUCK GETTING 17 YEAR-OLDS TO EAT THAT.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, I’ve gotten them to ea………..

Forget I said anything.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I assumed Miles Killebrew was a descendant of Harmon Killebrew, and then I saw he was black and knew the people of Minnesota wouldn’t have allowed that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait, WAIT; does Rodney Harrison think Miles Killebrew is black, or “black enough”? Without Rodney’s consent the jury is still out; god bless.

nomonkeyfun

“What’s consent?”

-Darren Sharper

LemonJello
LemonJello

“What he said.”

-The Ben

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“NO SHIT?!?!”

-Najeh Davenport

/sorry

jjfozz

So we’re driving to the Ravens-Lions pregame and we see a dude decked out in Lions jersey. My eldest says, “Look at that, a Lions fan in Baltimore.”

“Well, it’s better than being a Lions fan in Detroit,” says Mrs. Fozz. (Just when I want to lock her in a closet, she comes up with this kind of comedy gold.

Also, I got a job offer today. They came in lower than I expected. I’m going to see what they’d say if I didn’t need benefits. Is this a good approach? There’s a ton of potential there, but then again, baby’s gotta eat.

Advice, insight, smart ass comments welcomed.

(WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE COOL BUTTONS WHERE YOU CUOULD BOLD AND ITALICIZE AND SHIT?)

blaxabbath

I am a terrible negotiator.

Maybe just get in there and steal stuff to make up the difference?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why don’t they throw octopi on the field at Lions games? Is it because they never score three times in the same game?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Until they tried CIALIS® (tadalafil)!

Do not take CIALIS if you:
– take medicines called “nitrates”, such as isosorbide dinitrate or isosorbide mononitrate which are often prescribed for chest pain as the combination may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure….etc., etc., etc…….

blaxabbath

I don’t know, a lot of y’all have been watching footbaw a lot longer than me but I can’t remember coming into a season with less excitement about most of the league. I mean, outside of the race-to-the-bottom that is the NFC East, I can’t not see how the NFC playoffs aren’t GB, ARI, SEA, [EAST CHAMP], CAR, [8-8 Wildcard Team Who Will Get Killed in the First Round (TB?)]. I guess the AFC looks a little more competitive but there are only a couple real contenders there.

Maybe I’m just remembering the good old days fondly but I see no reason why 2016 isn’t going to be a continuation of 2016 where we get to Week 13 and, still, no one is eliminated because, in each conference, the good teams are in two divisions and the worst teams all share one division.

litre_cola

Well, blax, I agree with you about the NFC. Being a fan of the team in the dumpster fire that is the NFC East I am looking forward to the season only for the dick jokes and time drinking in front of the TV on a Sunday. As for the AFC I reckon it will be way more competitive. Plus what the lads mentioned, 1 injury can really fuck things up.

nomonkeyfun

Yes, the Lions should sign Matt Millen. How long do you think his old decrepit body would last going over the middle. I’m sure there is some ILB or Safety he has pissed off that would love to make a hit on a defenseless receiver and get congrats from teammates and coaches even if the penalty cost them the game.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it should be a rule that if you want to kill a lion, you gotta do it without a gun. And if you succeed, you are a fucking badass and you are welcome to display that lion pelt proudly, and even wear it out to baseball games and stuff. Hell, you can even wear it out to fancy events like fashion shows or PETA fundraisers, cause you earned the right.

blaxabbath
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What about antiaircraft weaponry?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stafford’s favorite donuts are “ones that are sweet” and his favorite pizza is “one that contains sauce and cheese”.

nomonkeyfun

He always seemed more like a white pizza type of guy to me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, he likes that too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Whichever as long as it is real ……. DOUGHY.

Enrico Pallazzo

This team has never been the same since their coaches stopped driving around nude.

nomonkeyfun

newly acquired safety Chris Conte, never held Adams and actually fell over his own feet near the 50 yard line, leaving him 30 yards away from the drop.

You have a high opinion of Chris Conte. I assume he would fall over his own feet at the Green Bay 40. You know, where he would line up, even on a 4th an 1, with 10:00 to go in the 3rd.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I know this was fan fiction, but Conte is still on the Bucs, right? I don’t want to get too excited about Cutler facing him twice this season.

King Hippo

oh, I loved how dark and lovely this was. You twisted fuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Their chances for another (one more) division win just got better. Zimmer is a good coach, so they won’t beat them twice.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/6e9fc0a00498a794d24e84df2949563f/tumblr_ochlzr4SGH1qlz1v3o1_500.gif