Third Place Everton and Lamar! (Plus Other Minor Things Previewed)

Pictured is Ronald Koeman, in a rare smiling pose. Despite being unbeaten on the young season (with three wins on the bounce, after humiliating David Moyes on Monday Night Footy with some help from Big Rom), Big Ron is something of a perfectionist, always urging his players to strive for the very best they are capable of delivering. It’s been a refreshing change from the delusional optimistic bullshit of Roberto Martinez, and if the early returns are any indication, exactly what the Blues needed.

Everton get Middlesborough at home this week, spotlight dance on big NBC (12:30 EST), though my local affiliate is showing Georgia Tech/Vanderbilt because North Cakalaky is still a cultural wasteland in many ways. Anyway, I will fire up the laptop in hopes for points 11-13 out of 15. Come on, you Blues.

There are no early games this week, in honor of my daughter’s 8:30 cross country meet. How fucking nice (and what foresight that she would qualify!!) of the FA to think of me like that ,, smgdh. Arsenal and Hull make NBCSN out of the 10:00 window pack, with the battle of the Wests (Brom and Ham) meriting some attention on Extra Time. Seems like Spurs should somehow be involved, no?

Speaking of Spurs, they get Sunday Funday feature treatment as the only NBCSN fixture (11:30), in what should be a home throttling of Sunderland. CNBC “boasts” the doubleheader of Watford hosting Manure (7:00) and Palace hosting Stoke (9:15). Extra Time offers Swans at Saints as alternate viewing at 9:15, but…meh.

That seems like some teams got left out, because the Redshite won 2-1 at Stamford Bridge Friday night. Christ, the knob slobbering won’t end, even if Everton keep winning to stay above them in the table. Which they must and will.

Hey want to talk about some jayvee stuff? Thought you’d NEVAR ask!!

Florida State at Louisville (Noon, ABC)

Talent vs. coaching, watch the argument play out before your eyes. Except that the “coaching” side of the argument also has a legitimate Heisman candidate in Lamar! Now away from the bright lights of Washington, DC that once hounded the young, flannel-clad GOP Presidential hopeful (and also now black), Lamar! is putting up video game numbers with his arm and legs for the Fightin’ Petrinos. Jimbo Fisher couldn’t coach his way out of a wet paper bag, but some years they so good it no matter. Is this one such year? Today will be quite telling in that regard.

Oregon at Nebraska (3:30, ABC)

This is an interesting inter-sectional matchup between two teams we really know nothing about. They could be sleeper-ish good, they could be shit, they could be 6-7 win pudding again. It’s September, the fuck do you want from me??

Alabama at Ole Miss (3:30, CBS)

Ah yes, the Katy Perry boob sweater memorial classic! The juju is strong with this one, and Nick Saban will want revenge for the last two defeats more than he thirsts for the blood of a newborn puppy. Johnny Reb done got him a loss on his’n resume, so he can’t afford no more if’n he fixin’ to contend all national-like.

Mississippi State at LSU (7:00, ESPN2)

The Cowbells got their shit back together last week, and now take said shit on the road. To face the Bayou Bengals, who look to be, well, shit. But that’s why they play the games, yeah? This fixture has made for entertaining 4th quarters in recent vintage, FWIW.

Texas A&M at Auburn (7:00, ESPN)

Another SEC West tilt, with the better team being the road side. That can make for an even contest and multiple overtimes. Not predicting, but if it happens…betcha it happens here! Both of these defensive units are solid.

Michigan State at Notre Dame (7:30, NBC)

Thankfully, nobody will need to watch this shitburger tonight. Huzzah, schedulemakers!

Ohio State at Oklahoma (7:30, Fox)

They don’t see any horns on your head, so you wouldn’t mind if…

This game has the advantage of Gus Johnson, so I will watch quite a bit so long as Boomer Sooner maintains a working margin throughout.

UCLA at BYU (10:15, ESPN2)

Late night DVR/tweaker/insomniac pick is IN! The Bruins impressed me on their trip to College Station (well, apart from their butterfingered WR/TE corps), and they will get the chance for a solid road win in Provo against a Mad as Heck!! Team Big Love. I hear Brice’s mom let him have TWO Sprites the day after the loss to “the U” last Saturday night, the family was so shaken up about it.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sill Bimmons
herodotus450

They were, and still are, a real company
http://www.jpeterman.com/

Sill Bimmons

I know.

I used to wear their clothes in high school.

Sill Bimmons

This place was my nirvana:

http://www.kyphotoarchive.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/930915PetermanA.jpg

I was not a good person. I’m still not, but for different reasons.

herodotus450

“Then, in the distance, I heard the bulls. I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately, I was wearing my Italian cap toe oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men’s whole and half sizes 7 through 13. Price: $135.00.”

Sill Bimmons

Yep.

/travels back in time and punches 18-year-old self

herodotus450

Double reverse flea flicker by colorado; still throws it into tripple coverage

herodotus450

If there was a beer tv channel, I would expect it to have a show called Trippel Coverage

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

This is what happens when you leave Hot Dog Boy off the roster.

http://cdn1.bloguin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/26/2015/09/Hot95Dog9501.gif

Torts: Still failing upward.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Scotch et al. interested in hockey. John Kordic, the tragic fighter.

Sill Bimmons

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
herodotus450

Submitted for your approval: it is now possible to buy puppy chow, the chex mix based human food, pre-made directly from the store. It is slightly below average in quality. That is all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

herodotus450

Whale-a-canes are the real threat to our capitalist paradise, when will you sheeple learn!

Sill Bimmons

You just opened Pandora’s Box bro…

entropy

Obviously, you ignore the Tarantasaurus Rex that are roaming the southwest.

scotchnaut

Facebook just told me that Mel Gibson is expecting his 9th child by his ‘who gives a fuck what number she is’ partner. Good for them!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He’s always been a great catholic.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

Wife of best friend went to school with the guy-she claims that he bullied younger kids regularly.

/couldn’t be not more surprised

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And once made fun of Dan Kordic’s recently deceased brother John in the mid-90s!

scotchnaut

Seems as though skipping class came naturally to him.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

USA 0 — 3 EUR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU TORTS

Sill Bimmons

The guys in the studio just went down on Nick Saban’s special teams genius because the Tide got a punt return TD, a play that has almost nothing to do with coaching and everything to do with individual talent.

Yep, Saban’s a ST genius all right…

http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/auburnalabama.gif

Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised

FALSE

blaxabbath

I’d forgotten how fun it is to watch the reactions of drunk sunburnt college kids who show up on gameday in their university best and, especially the chicks, get way too emotional about an amateur sporting event.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

THIS GUY LAMAR JACKSON I CALL HIM STAND YOUR GROUND BECAUSE HE MADE A LOT OF FLORIDA PEOPLE CONFUSED AND ANGRY

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

The more things change…

Sill Bimmons

Hey dads…

Don’t ever let your daughter become a trainer. In fact, if she ever mentions the word “trainer” outside the concept of a UK athletic shoe you’ll need to have a little sit-down.

First and foremost, it’s honestly a disgusting job. I can’t imagine the constant football player sex is worth the indignities.

Second, the constant football player sex. Yup, this is a real and spectacular thing all the way from a pissant suburban Philly high school right up to AlaFuckinBama. Football is an exclusive combat sport played by physically dominant dudes wearing tight, brightly colored uniforms. It’s the closest thing we have to the peacock tail as a species. And it works. Lord, does it work. And the girls/young women who want to be trainers want to be peacocked all day every day. At least during football season. Is this a gross generalization? Yes. It is a generalization and it is gross.

Finally, and most painfully, what wanting all that football sex says about you. Odds are good that if you’re reading this you didn’t play organized tackle football past 10th grade and that you’re a man of average build regardless of your height. Your IQ is higher than your bench press and your 40 time is higher than your shoe size. In short, you’re a regular guy who didn’t punch his way through high school and college. Your young adult daughter does not want to have sex with you. She wants to have sex with Rob Gronkowski. And if she wants to be a trainer, that means she wants to have sex with all the Gronkowskis all the time, including the mom.

The good news? She’s eventually going to get sick of banging the Gronkowski family and she’ll settle down with a nice guy like you.

But as much as it’s your responsibility to keep her off the pole it’s even more imperative that you keep her off the sideline.

Fronkenshteen

THIS POST MAKES ME WANT TO SAY SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE THINGS BECAUSE I AM, AT ROOT, A SHITHEAD WHO IS LESS RACIST THAN HIS ANCESTORS BUT IS STILL MORE RACIST THAN HIS SON WILL BE.

Sill Bimmons

Or Vernon Davis.

/

Duchess

Papas, don’t let your baby girls grow up to be trainers
Don’t let ’em pick peckers or ride them young Gronks
Let ’em be teachers and lawyers not wonks
Papas, don’t let your baby girls grow up to be trainers…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Good hit. Lofty hit.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

WOOO TEAM PANGEA

blaxabbath

Have they replaced all officials on CBS games with Mike Carey?

Unsurprised

More realistic than the Creationism Museum

entropy

He’s still in the East conference room.

scotchnaut

“Everybody hurts Hurts …sometimes.”

-REM remix

blaxabbath

If that’s a hit to the chest, I’d have to assume that the refs learned anatomy at an SEC school.

blaxabbath

“They aren’t going to class so, screw it, LET ‘EM PLAY!” -SEC Refs

blaxabbath

I like that SEC officials are like, “Dude was at the ten and no one was gonna catch him so that play really was over.”

Unsurprised

The South doesn’t care about facts or logic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They are not smart enough to get the right medicine for that either.

herodotus450

Ole Miss? What happened to New Mi-
/simultaneously shot by everyone in the county

Hahhahaha Bama

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rearranges; balls deep in Katy Perry.

scotchnaut

“Nothing good ever happens in Mississippi.”

-Nick Saban, James Earl Chaney, Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner

Sill Bimmons

There was a funny graph posted on LinkedIn that I can’t figure out how to post here.

It was a bar graph showing the results of a study on surgeons swearing in the OR.

Long story short, orthopaedists outswear all other specialties combined and ophthalmologists don’t even make the figure.

Sounds about right.

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Unsurprised

Orthopaedists probably make the most jokes, too, especially at the expense of patients who are being operated on because they did something stupid. You guys just see horrible shit.

Moonbatting Average

Harbaugh clearly isn’t throwing headsets at the right people today

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Nice job having no audio during the John Saunders tribute, you low-rent motherfuckers.

herodotus450

Chick fil a’s marketing campaign should just be: Do you hate yourself and/or the gays? Eat at chick fil a!

Sill Bimmons

They lost.

My conscience is now clean…cleanish…a bit disheveled…rather messy…filthy…Andy Dufresne at the end of the sewer pipe FUCK YOU DONT JUDGE ME OH GAWD TEH CHICKEN IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

Unsurprised

Their chicken sucks

scotchnaut

Snarky Comment Win by CBS announcer-

“Michigan losing to Colorado-Brady attending the game but is ineligible.”

ALXMAC
Horatio Cornblower

The cigarette makes this bit.

Moonbatting Average

Watching Oregon/Nebraska. Do jet sweeps ever work?

Fronkenshteen

I prefer a Swiffer.

herodotus450

Quick Kick!

Fronkenshteen

I’m at the bar now! On my 3rd Old Dominion Vienna Lager. I’m alone in a huge room with (of all things) a real Alabama alum (’69-’73. Saw Archie Manning play for Ole Miss) watching Saban vs The Forces Of Good. Trying to maintain a façade of neutrality, but I tried to stifle my joy at that missed FG and accidentally farted. The jig is up!

Sill Bimmons

The Tell-Tale Fart

Fronkenshteen

It’s 10-3 and this guy is acting like Malcom McDowell is brandishing a giant ceramic penis at the Tide.
TOUCHDOWN!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t been following the hockey tournament but a friend of mine told me that they have a USA team, a Canada team and a ‘North America’ team. A) Is this true? B) If A is true, what the fuck?

Sill Bimmons

“North America” is U23 players from the US and Canada.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

[wonders when the “Under 18” team is playing]

-Mark Chumura

Sill Bimmons

If the dregs of Yurp beat this USA team I will laugh until I die.

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Sill Bimmons

You got Slovakia and…Slovakia…also Slovakia…don’t forget about Slovakia…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

USA hockey gripe:

Stop adding explicitly “Gritty” players to international tourney teams. It’s a lot easier for skilled players to get chippy than third liners to develop skill out of nowhere.

Justin Abdelkader over Bobby Ryan? Have fun with that shit, Torts.

Sill Bimmons

But…it’s hockey…

How can they tell who’s truly gritty?

They’re all so…gritty.

scotchnaut

PK Subban, for one, is ‘urban’.

Sill Bimmons

I was thinking “ethnic.”

Fronkenshteen

Instinctive?

Sill Bimmons

Articulate!

scotchnaut

As white North Americans, no matter the circumstance, it’s important that we categorize.

ALXMAC

Bobby Ryan ain’t done shit.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

As opposed to Justin Abdelkader?

scotchnaut

Whoa, Nellie! Do I ever miss Keith Jackson.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
herodotus450

It’s so hot, the sweat in my undercarriage could irrigate a small radish farm!