DFO Note:  Our own Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus was kind enough to brave the elements and his team not doing as well as he hoped to bring us a slice of the Green Bay Lambeau Field experience!  If I haven’t figured out how to give him credit for this post by the time it publishes, this paragraph will have to do.

This past Sunday 78,000+ spectators, the Dallas Cowboys, the Missus and myself enjoyed an afternoon at Lambeau Field. Sadly the Green Bay Packers were nowhere to be found except for a bunch of retired ones and one that just won’t go away no matter how much we give. Seeing the other boots on the ground entries gave me inspiration to give this a shot and I knew we were making our yearly trip so this came together nicely.

I live in Green Bay. I was born and raised here. I’ve lived elsewhere and will do so again, but for better or worse this is home. During home games I always have a twinge of cringe when the announcers talk over the camera crews b-roll of various locales and “hometown” scenes.

Maybe it is universal, but I always feel ours is worse because of the ridiculous amount of proselytizing and mythos building that gets thrown on. It’s Madden’s fault for starting it, and it only got worse once “the Farvening” began (more on that later). I can’t blame people for the contempt and disdain the franchise gets, except to say we the people who live here didn’t start this fire, the house got doused and zippos were thrown. Yes quite a few here embraced it, drank the kool-aid, and now embody the worst characteristics to rival any fanbase. Thanks to advances in disease, they are dying. They do not represent the overwhelming majority of locals who know full well and appreciate the fact that without this team this town and surrounding area (hell the state) would be utterly dead and devoid. We know this is a unique situation. We’re thankful that we have this, we enjoy it, but we’re also cautious about it because we’re very aware we’re a small town trying to wear a big city’s coat.

All that said most of us actually love out-of-towners. We like showing you around. When you were a kid and your cousins would come over and you’d show off all your stuff to look cool even though you knew they already had all that stuff? That’s us. With that in mind, let’s get to it!

Getting There

First of all, you are going EARLY in the season. I like you folks and prefer you stay alive. Wanna know a fun fact about winter games in Green Bay that the kool-aid drinkers don’t mention? THEY’RE FUCKING AWFUL! The players are running, working, have heated benches and all the jackets and warmers they want. You are just standing there, not moving, no heat except what you’re wearing. Then there’s the Simple Jack devotees that also drink their body weight in Jager for false warmth and courage. Let Darwin deal with them. DURR DURR TRUE FANS!!! STFU. Hypothermia is no joke. Unless you’re suited up like Ralphie, stay inside. I’ve earned my Cold Weather Game badge. My wife has hers a million times over. A story is about all it gets you if you’re lucky.

You’re staying at a hotel or are driving up most likely. If you’re in town getting to the stadium is not hard. Just about every hotel has a shuttle to and from, and GB Transit has free gameday bus routes all over town that’ll get you in and out. Wanna have the “full experience?” That’s fine. Ask a local for side street directions so you avoid the main drags. Lambeau itself has plenty of parking if you have a pass for the numbered lots, but it’s just as easy to spend $20 to park in someone’s yard. Seriously, this is good income for the nearby homeowners, and hey they’re on-site security. For my wife and I it’s 10-15 minutes from door to lot.

Pre-Game

You are tailgating. Period. Going to eat somewhere else prior is ill-advised and idiotic. Ya brain broke my babies. I don’t need to tell you how to tailgate and or pregame yes? Bring whatcha want, drink whatcha please. **Drinkers DO NOT over pregame!** Sure beer and brats are traditional, but seriously, you do you. Do your best Yeah Right sunday gravy impression! Make some time to mingle around your area or walk around the stadium while you’re at it for high-quality sociological observations and the poor life decisions of others. Join a cornhole game, or flipcup, or check out the makeshift bands that are scattered throughout. If there’s something tasty that catches your eye, go ahead and ask about it! Odds are good they’ll share. Except their recipe (especially if it’s chicken booyah). Flattery gets you everywhere, and besides Wisconsin moms are incapable of letting anyone go away hungry, it violates their programming.

When it’s time, get to your gate. There’s express lanes for those with only keys and phones. We were in line for maybe two minutes and that’s only because the lady ahead knew the cop at the detector (I told you. Small town, happens a lot). **As I said, DO NOT overdo your pregame. Police will deny you entry to prevent you further embarrassment. See, if you violate the Fan Code of Conduct once you’re in, the owner of the tickets is on the hook (and they’re all someone’s season tickets). With that very legit lengthy waiting list (unlike some other teams…*cough REDACTEDS*), the team has no qualms about going “next one up.” Murder is allowed by law in this circumstance. Better to bounce you at the gate.

The FROZ…nope, not doing it.

I don’t need to talk much about the stadium itself. You know what it is, you’ve seen most of it without ever setting foot. Pretty safe to say it’s the most filmed and talked about piece of land in the NFL. Again, I’m sorry on behalf of my fellow citizenry. Wasn’t our idea. But I will say, it IS a damn fine venue. I don’t know where you’re sitting unless you’re with us. My wife’s family has had season tickets since they played at City Stadium (located down the street from my house). That means 60+ years, which means we sit here:

Yeah, they’re amazing. We’re on the West side, which means Mr. Goff that the sun goes behind us during the course of the day meaning no glare or blindness. Worst case scenario one of the two Jumbotrons has your back. Sound is by Bose, and for being a huge open cavern is excellent both on field and on the concourses.

Fun fact: That’s the tallest point in Brown County. I don’t know who’s on the screen, that guy never showed up.

But really there are no bad seats. Well except if you have back issues. If your seat is in the original bowl, you’re on a metal bench. Bring a seat or rent one.

So you’re with the visiting team surrounded by green. No big deal! Unless you’re stuck in a sad section of douchebros who can’t handle their own fee-fees and changing bodies (usually toward the endzones), you’ll find most of us perfectly willing to strike up a conversation and hear all about where you’re from. We can talk about your team quite rationally and appreciate them win or lose. Many have done their homework on the opposition leading up to the game. We had some Dallas fans behind us and the gentlemen were great. The “ladies” they brought were too busy with selfies and talking shit about the town and people. That don’t fly. You can shit on the team, not the town. That’s our job, our birthright.

Today’s freebie:

Hooray! An NFL-licensed soggy drink coozy in throwback! At least it’s not some pink peesashite. I like how the shield is right on the MADE IN CHINA.

Today’s flyover:

Four (Three here because I suck) V-22 Ospreys, Two in plane form, two in heli form with their cargo bays open and guys waving inside. To be honest that was cooler than jets.

Food And Drink

We bailed on the halftime slurpfest to the Farvenis. Seriously dude, you have to GO AWAY first before people can actually appreciate what you did good or bad. I think we are now FINALLY done sacrificing at his altar. There’s nothing left to give, unless somehow in five or ten years he comes back for the souls of the first-born to extend his life force. I can’t rule it out given how deeply some here STILL drink his kool-aid. We damn near killed Bart Starr to retire your number! Now your name is in the ring, you have rings, jackets, and you’re in all the halls. GO MOW YOUR DAMN LAWN or hunt something while wearing your copper crap and trimming your various hairs! GITGONE AND STAY GONE.

Speaking of drink and food, the fun part! Here is where we earn our reputation as lovers of food and beverage. There’s no dancing around it (there’d be coronaries everywhere), we’ve got shameful, nasty, delicious food. MEW MEW what about healthy things? I say unto thee: You’re probably right, but go fuck yourself. Go pregame a salad you terrible food hipster. Stadiums are modern shrines to hedonism, minus the orgies (thanks Puritans). This isn’t your daily diet FFS. Embrace and enjoy for a day. Standard options available, with some local flair.

Mac n Chee? We got a booth for that:

That’s the Brat variety over there.

Need MOAR bacon (who doesn’t), say with your cheese curds? BEHOLD.

That there is bacon crusted cheese curds, chili, sour cream, chives, and MOAR BACON. It was worth the arm numbness despite how it may look.

Then there’s the beverages. I no longer imbibe, but I still take note for others. Beer prices are for tallboys or pints depending on the brand. Lambeau and the Packers ARE NOT UP FOR WHATEVER, EVER, NEVER. KOMMENTARIAT APPROVED.MillerCoors and local brews only.

For those who wish to know more: Badger State Brewing, Hinterland, Stillmank

Mixed drinks (highballs really, one shot max) are available, or if you want to truly go Friday Fish Fry local, get a Brandy Old-Fashioned Sweet. All are available until end of the 3rd, which I think is normal.

Postgame

Well that depends on you and whomever you’re with or now met. There’s no real “must” unless the Badger band is in town and plays the 5th Quarter. You’ll have no problem knowing if that’s the case. Otherwise moar tailgating or head to the bars across the way and they’ll be happy to take care of you whatever state you wish or should achieve. Getting out is slowish as you would expect, but not too horrible. Green Bay and Ashwaubenon PD’s along with the Brown County Sheriff’s direct all the traffic around the stadium (remember it is in the middle of a residential area) and quickly handle those who can’t handle their cars. Fun Fact: Technically Lambeau Field resides in the suburb of Ashwaubenon, however the land and property are owned and operated by the City of Green Bay thereby in their jurisdiction. Sorta Vatican City-esque!

On our way out tonight we crept by a place I forgot we had: A Fraternal Order of Moose Lodge. While I couldn’t get a shot of it in the moment,but you’ll be happy to know he and his kin can take care of your children!

That’s all I got, hope you enjoyed and weren’t too disappointed. Come on over.