“Fuck the Midwest” Edition – Weekend Lesser Footy Preview

You can take the states of Meeeechigan and Ohio and use them exclusively for nuclear waste storage for all I care. Oh, and I guess to hold the collective ESPN commentator ejaculate.

Anyway, Burnley host Man City to kick your Saturday off. You can watch while pretending to have resolve to get up early and get on that treadmill/exercise bike (7:30, NBCSN). You get a terrible, unspeakable game on NBCSN in the 10:00 window, watch Leicester/Middlesbrough on CNBC instead.

5th position Spurs invade top of the table Chelski at 12:30, and it rightly gets big boy NBC coverage. This is the match of the weekend, and a true test of whether Chelski have the mettle of a potential champion. Tottenham usually do quite poorly here, but this is a different caliber side than most of the past decade-plus.

CNBC start Sunday with a drab double-header of Watford/Stoke (7:00) and Arsenal/Bornemoth (9:15). At least the latter is a grudge match between Horatio and yeah right!

The real action is in the 11:30 window, with NBCSN taking Manure hosting West Ham, with Mourinho trying to pull himself out of a death spiral against an equally desperate side that surprisingly finds itself just clear of the relegation zone. On CNBC, 7th position Everton visit 11th place Soton, who will look to provide a rude welcome to their former manager, Ronald Koeman. Everton are in very poor form at present, so…blech.

Georgia Tech at Georgia (Noon, SECN)

This game is underrated in the intensity of the hatred it produces/involves, but it will be nigh unwatchable this year due to the Bees’ offensive style and the Dawgs’ offensive ineptitude. The latter is largely due to youth, though. GT is abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Kentucky at Louisville (Noon, ESPN)

They moved this “always used to be Labor Day Weekend” fixture to the end of the season, presumably to make fans more confused as to why this isn’t a basketball game.

Michigan at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

HantaAIDS FOAR all.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (3:30, SECN)

Johnny Reb needs this Egg Bowl (coo coo ka-choo!!) to qualify for a shitty bowl bid, thanks to their hilarious loss at Vandy. The Cowbells just aim to fuck shit up, which is always fun in a rivalry game.

Auburn at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Iron Bowl! A game Roll Damn Time could conceivably lose! No wait, Bama’s at home. Try again next year, War Damn Eagle.

Notre Dame at USC (3:30, ABC)

Because laughing at Brian Kelly is really, really fun.

Utah at Colorado (7:30, Fox)

Buffs go to the Pac 12 title game with a win. Otherwise, SC gets it.

South Carolina at Clemson (7:30, ESPN)

The Chickens are pretty meh, but stabilized a little bit late, as the Tiggers have wobbled. Minor upset potential is present.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Vandy can also get into a shit bowl with a win over a rival, and the Vols have little to play for other than maintaining their .950-ish all-time record over the sad sack Commodores. Again, minor upset potential is present.

Florida at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

I see nothing compelling in this “spotlight” game whatsoever.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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ThursdaySkyGoddess

Verne got the kiss meant for the former matron saint!

Brick Meathook

Namath is hammered

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThursdaySkyGoddess

So it’s a day ending with “y” then. Dat coat though!

Brick Meathook

“Verne, I just wanna kiss you…….”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Shan’khor denied by Auburn.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s nice to see all those USC fans looking so wet and uncomfortable.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Sounds like the sorority girls at frat mixers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Raul Castro released a statement about his late brother Fidel, “I am so glad he passed before he could watch an illegal stream of that shitheap OSU-Michigan game.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can’t PSU overtake them both in the division standings if they molest enough children I mean win today?

ballsofsteelandfury

I would love Wisconsin to beat these idiots

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ALXMAC
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I understand the NFL won’t ever move to the college style of overtime because of gambling (primarily the over/under), BUT…what if the overtime score was kept separately, and only the MARGIN of the overtime score gets added to the final score? So if you go into overtime tied at 30, then both score touchdowns (7-7 OT), then they score a field goal and you get a touchdown to win (10-13 OT) you’d end up with a final game score of 33-30.

Wakezilla

Palestinian OSU fan waiving the Kuffiyeh around in the background is kind of funny.

Not as funny as that ball placement,mind you

ThursdaySkyGoddess

OSU Offensive player of the game: Wilton Speight.

JustStopDude

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The Maestro

What the fuck.

That is some bullshit.

Horatio Cornblower

Michigan was robbed.

I bet Harbaugh kills TWO hobos tonight.

The Maestro

Cue Michigan fans screaming for months about the fix being in if they don’t overturn this.

ballsofsteelandfury

The fear of Shah’Khor is palpable

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Wakezilla

Urban Meyer with a Fred Meyer type call.

Spanky Datass

I wish they could squeeze in a FEW MORE GODDAMMED CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS IN OVERTIME GAMES! FUCK!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He did NOT get there, but they won’t reverse it.

Horatio Cornblower

Never.

Horatio Cornblower

That is a BULLSHIT spot.

ALXMAC

He was all fucking over him. Might as well have called Morrissey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

Great Caesars Ghost!

The Maestro

This fucking game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

Penn State Pedos can still clinch the BIG title? WEIRD

makeitsnowondem

dear god in heaven this game

Wakezilla

These Michigan Wolverines, I call the CIA branch in Cuba because mo matter how hard theh try, they just can’t kill their enemy

Horatio Cornblower

That’s great asshole, you’ve just guaranteed 60 years of overtime.

Wakezilla

This game feels like it has been going on for 60 years

Horatio Cornblower

You’re not lying.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Good afternoon people.

Rot forever, Fidel.

litre_cola

I am here for the Canadian University Championship. We have any Laval Rouge et Or fans up in here?

Wakezilla

I am so torn. On the one hand, Laval is so good because of private funding. On the other hand, I hate calgary

litre_cola

I played for the Bisons back in the day, so I hate both equally.

ALXMAC

M offense be able to keep up; BRING BACK CHAD!!

ALXMAC

*won’t

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My prayer for overtime: “Oh lord Shan’Khor bless this big rocket house and all who dwell within the big rocket house…”

Horatio Cornblower

If this kicker misses another one he’s going to have to start actually studying for his OSU degree rather than just have it handed to him after 4 years of hanging out.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is it me or are Michigan and Ohio State playing really bad football?

Horatio Cornblower

It’s not you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I hate when breakups go like this.

Horatio Cornblower

How many OSU students does it take to untangle the chains?

I don’t know, but we’re about to find out.

Horatio Cornblower

http://img.pandawhale.com/61088-Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-has-the-i-WDTC.jpeg

I went looking for Jennifer Love Hewitt images from Heartbreakers. I found this. I have no idea what the hell is going on here but I figure at least Moose will appreciate it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hell, I think we can ALL appreciate it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NOBODY PAINTS BUNNY IN A CORNER…. WITH A BONER.