Your “All Is Not Well In Wisconsin, Or Anywhere Else For That Matter” Monday Night Football Open Thread

I’m having a hell of a time starting the intro for this game-not because it doesn’t have its merits but because as I type my wife is cooking bacon. Is she making a BLT? Perhaps a chicken club sandwich? My mind is reeling at the possibilities. Umm, there’s only 4 more of these Monday Nighters left, folks.  TO THE GAME!

GB/Phi-At one point the Pack was 4-2 and all the cheese was delicious and life-giving. Four straight losses later and the skies overhead are filled with Crestorcirrus, Lipitorstratus and Zocornimbus clouds. This looks to me like a ‘loser gets nothing’ game because Green Bay is 4-6 and the Eagles are 5-5 and stuck in a division with Dallas (not going to catch them) and the Giants (8-3) and the Redacteds (6-4-1). Major sports sites will tell you “it’s not over!” for the loser, “they could still win out!”. But c’mon, do either of these deeply-flawed teams have the wherewithal/talent to run the table? I’m shaking my head as well. Rb Sproles has a broken rib but is expected to play-how is that even possible? I expect that Smallwood will get the majority of the touches. Struggling rook qb Wentz should take some shots downfield-the last two qb’s to play against Green Bay’s complete mess of a secondary had ratings of +145. Oof!

There you have it-GIMMEE ALL YOU GOT!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hello there Miss Grey Cup backround mountie lady…

...

THANK YOU FOR ALSO NOTICING HER.

Sharkbait

Sup everyone.

*Turns on ESPN*

*Sees Berman*

*Turns on Grand Tour*

ALXMAC

OY!!

Senor Weaselo

Good call anyway.

Col. Duke LaCross

Might be a parody…

https://youtu.be/9XLshEBvYdw

Shogun Marcus

Berman hasn’t aneurysm-ed out yet? 2016 makes none of the sense.

Dunstan

NO, I AM NOT WATCHING CHRIS BERMAN, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Some random analyst at the NSA

Dunstan

That’s actually what drove Snowden to bolt.

LemonJello

I watch hoping either:

a) his head explodes Scanners-style
#)he strokes out live on tv mid-bloviating
xii)the rapture happens and he is sucked into a hellmouth to be tormented for eternity

...

Why are those eagles filling their nests with down and yardage markers? Where did they get all of those markers? Is there a warehouse somewhere filled with those markers? Does it lack a roof so eagles can just swoop in and steal them?

Old School Zero

Anyone else want to admit to being a horrible gift wrapper? I’m terrible. TERRIBLE.

Doktor Zymm

I just put things in plastic grocery bags and tie the top shut. Don’t know what I would do if I moved somewhere with a bag ban.

LemonJello

Oh, hell yes. My gift wrapping skills match a stunted 8 year old’s abilities. I am the Jared Goff of gift wrapping…

entropy

I like to think of myself as a pretty handy guy, quite capable of using tools, making nice-looking furniture, and I can state with some conviction I can draw a pretty picture or two. That said, I am the real-life equivalent of an infomercial “example” human when it comes to gift wrapping. I’m pretty sure what I do could be considered a hate crime in some municipalities.

WCS

Did someone say insane local commercials?

King Hippo

Great, just enough goddamned time for two more checkdown passes to Randall Cobb. Motherfuckers.

Shogun Marcus

Nope. You’re still ok.

WhyEaglesWhy

The only halfway competent WR for the Eagles is hurt, great. Can we trade for Jeff Janis at halftime?

King Hippo

just give the ball to Smallwood and counter all the Cobb/Starks bullshit

Shogun Marcus

He dunno how to route. Buyer beware.

JustStopDude

I want to create an awards show for batshit insane small market TV commercials.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’d watch the hell out of that.

LemonJello

Agreed.

JustStopDude

I feel like this is one of my random stupid thoughts that make me wonder why no one has thought of this.

Unsurprised

Were the Local Ace Awards ever real?

Senor Weaselo

Flea Market Montgomery Lifetime Achievement Award?

Shogun Marcus

THIS GREEN BAY DEFENSE I CALL EM SCOTTISH SHEEP. THEY KEEP GETTING FUCKED BUT ONLY PUSH BACK AT THE EDGE.

Horatio Cornblower

Clay Matthews sure seemed to go well out of his way to avoid contact there.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen someone avoid contact so assiduously since Aaron Rodgers spent Thanksgiving dodging phone calls from his family.

Gratliff

RUN YOU GOOFY MOTHERFUCKER

JustStopDude

3ed and LOL defense…

JustStopDude

Fucking auto-correct…3rd…

Curse of Marino

I CALL THIS PHILIDEALPHIA EAGLES TEAM THE WAFFEN-SS, BECAUSE OF THE TWO DUDES WITH THE GERMAN LAST NAMES

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not drinking tonight because I can’t remember the last time I haven’t had a night off. This game is making this decision much more difficult.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So now there are TWO quarterbacks in this game who have had nowhere to go except into the arms of Mike Daniels.

Curse of Marino
Unsurprised

Welcome back

...

So naturally I googled his wife when you mentioned her. She’s a certain southern blonde look I only sort of like.

But Google image search has a picture of them together in swimsuits and I’m sort of surprised by how not built he looks. He certainly isn’t an average build. but I guess I imagine NFL QBs being more fit and muscular.

Curse of Marino

I’ve thought the same of Aaron Rodgers. Which is weird because arent gay dudes supposed to be ripped?

Unsurprised

Split. But only the bottoms.

...

My best childhood friend has a younger brother who is gay. Said brother is now married to another gay guy and they’re pretty much average looking dudes who aren’t nearly as well-maintained as the gay stereotype would suggest they should be.

And they also LOVE showing me pictures of their dicks. They have collections of dick pics and they’re eager to share. SO MANY DICKS.

Unsurprised

Do you show them screenshots of us in return?

...

I was so unprepared to see a montage of dicks that I really had nothing to say.

And if that left me speechless, you can imagine how little I had to say after the time they described the process of an adult circumcision.

Dunstan

The Safety Gods awakening?

WCS

Narp.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So tomorrow I’m going to hang a 32″ tv in my garage using some Ikea particle board as a structural element.

http://media.tumblr.com/325c0fb6e27b2bed8239ea15557d49b7/tumblr_inline_msh5mxBygp1qz4rgp.jpg

JustStopDude

Ugh you want to talk hell…I mounted my brother’s big flat screen. Wires hidden in the walls and everything.

He has OCD.

I was on pins and needles while he stared at it, with the screen off, for like 30 minutes until he said it was okay. Serious….my sister in law were just waiting for me to hang it like 20 times in a row. Nailed it on my first attempt.

JustStopDude

I’m not sure why the fans are pissed…

It’s the Packers defense still….99 yards is not insurmountable…

Shogun Marcus

It’s a gimme.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wow. What a dumbass. The ball was sitting there dead. Absolutely no reason to touch it with your foot in the endzone, or at all.

LemonJello
Curse of Marino

“Just the tip crossed the line”

“Where’s the fun in just using the tip?”

“Thats not what we’re talking about Aaron?”

Gratliff

I wonder if this is what Aaron gets when he goes home, so he just gave up.

“How are you and mom doing, Dad?”

“lolfag”

“*lifeless sigh*”

LemonJello

comment image

Curse of Marino

I dont know how people in Philly breed when their fans are THAT fucking homely.

Doktor Zymm

Booze. Lots of booze.

ALXMAC

Seinfeld bit!!

Dunstan

Alcohol

WhyEaglesWhy

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

LemonJello

Gimp masks.

WhyEaglesWhy

Ten nuggets for $1.49? I miss the USA.

LemonJello

Just tried my first sour ale: Devil’s Backbone Berliner Metro Weiss. It’s different, but pretty darn enjoyable.

Thanks Commentist Beer Barrel!

...

My entrance to sours was a Berliner Weisse by a now-defunct brewer I stumbled on one night. I’ve appreciated them ever since.

Recently I had a really bizarre take on a sour: the malts were smoked so the beer was both sour AND smokey. Truly incredible.

LemonJello

The sampler I picked up has a Smokehouse Porter in it – I’m thinking it may be the next one imbibed.

Col. Duke LaCross

?ARE YOU ON THE SQUARE? ARE YOU ON THE LEVEL? ARE YOU READY TO SWEAR RIGHT, HERE, RIGHT NOW, FOR THE DEVIL??

Don T

Give it to Christine, Aaron! Do it for fantasy.

ALXMAC

You should know by know that he doesn’t give his balls to chicks. Now if Christine were still a Cowboy…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I may be off, but I think Gruden is pandering to generic (read: unintelligent) fans for these broadcasts.

It’s like the guy on Monday nights and the QB Camp are two different people.

WCS

THIS GUY on Monday nights chugs ten Coronas during pregame.

JustStopDude

I love it around the Super Bowl when NPR has some hipster douche on the air to try and explain football in a five minute segment.

“Even though it’s called ‘football’ Trevor, the ball is NOT actually shaped like a foot!”

WhyEaglesWhy

I hate Gruden on these games. I know I’m in the minority, but I just can’t stand him.

Horatio Cornblower

Well then you and I are now The Minority Party buddy!
/is immediately pulled over by police

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

Curse of Marino

Between Green Bay and Philly, which city has the fattest humps as fans?

JustStopDude

Indy.

WCS

You’d be remiss to omit Clots and Yinzers…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Do not underestimate Yinzers.

ALXMAC

KC

Curse of Marino

Off topic but Kiko Alonso making Dan Lebatard’s dad’s day is just too awesome to ignore

https://twitter.com/ErickFernandez/status/803330407643185152?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

blackroseMD1

The Breaking crawl is some A+ work. Good job, whoever came up with that.

Unsurprised

A+ just like Michael Hutchence’s knot work

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’d give all my vital organs to see Doug Stanhope in the MNF booth for a half.

Shogun Marcus

You’d miss it then. But I do agree it’d be epic.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

To be fair Stanhope barely has vital organs at this rate, too.

Curse of Marino

Jon’s working the shaft.

King Hippo

he’s like a little kid out thar!!

Col. Duke LaCross

Aaron doesn’t know how to quit you Jon.

entropy

Seriously, this is an embarrassing amount of on-air knob-gobbling, isn’t it?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If we’re going to make Brokeback Mountain jokes we really should include Tony Romo.

Gratliff

I do not like watching Carson Wentz scramble.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldt63v4oHl1qzaxefo1_500.gif

ALXMAC
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THESE GREEN BAY PACKERS DEFENDERS I CALL THEM THE SUPER TROOPERS CAUSE WHEN THEY STOP ANYBODY IT’S USUALLY AN ACCIDENT AND/OR A JOKE.

JustStopDude

Mental thought experiment. Browns are clearly the worst team right now in the NFL. Imagine a time machine….how far back in time would the team have to travel until this year’s Browns could consistently beat said year’s Super Bowl winner?

Unsurprised

To when the Anglos met the Saxons

JustStopDude

Let’s assume the modern Browns have all the modern day equipment, same modern training regimen, support crews, etc.

I’m thinking late 80’s. A lot of those teams were coked out of their minds.

WCS

The 1925 Decatur Staleys

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d say seventies but the way they hit back then Cleveland would be down to their fifth string quarterback by the end of the first quarter.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

What I don’t get about the Browns is they are still playing conservative despite being 0-12.

I’d do such crazy shit to get a win. “Boys, we are not using kickers today and we are onsiding everything with Terrelle kicking it. Let’s go!”

JustStopDude

Fucking moneyball…because I guess the Browns will manage to draft well THIS time…

Unsurprised

This is why I stopped giving a shit about football. Because so has everyone else in the NFL.

Gratliff

“What strange brown egg dost thou carry, knave?”
/Josh McCown Sacked For 12 Yard Loss

Old School Zero

Early 90s Bills. No matter who you put in there, they’ll lose those Super Bowls. All of them. IT’S FATE!

...

So this is interesting, because the obvious physical differences between modern and historic players means you won’t have to go back that far to get a physical advantage.

But then you have to take into account execution. Are the Browns bad because talent relative to the rest of today’s league or due to terrible execution coaching?

And then you have to take into account rule differences. Old timey teams would be fucked playing with modern pass-friendly rules, but today’s teams probably aren’t equipped to compete with run-heavy offenses of days of yore.

So yes, I’m taking this though exercise really seriously.

JustStopDude

I appreciate the seriousness. I think modern players would struggle, especially in the passing game, say back in the 50’s, when DB’s could mug a receiver. But physically, a lot of the old guys still smoked and timing routes were in their infancy.

The fucking match up among linemen would be HILARIOUS when the front three of a 3-4 today outweigh front seven of the 50’s squad…and are faster.

...

Oh yeah, modern lines would absolutely dominate those from a few decades ago. That makes me think the 2016

...

Er… cut off. The 2016 Browns could just run the ball repeatedly against that old timey team, force them to put 8 or 9 in the box then hit whichever receiver remained open.

Gratliff

In my mind, I picture Jason Peters cackling while he does wind sprints with 2 260-pound defensive ends over his shoulders.

Shogun Marcus

Gunter is the oddest looking Scandinavian.

Shogun Marcus

That’s not a cheese knife espn. Shame.

WhyEaglesWhy

It’s a shame Julius Peppers never played for the Broncos. Orange Julius would be a hell of a nickname.

JustStopDude

Sure Rogers is a great QB but I heard he is a sick to his Asshole family…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

THIS EAGLES DEFENSE I CALL IT JILL STEIN BECAUSE THEY ARE USELESS AND EMBARRASSING THE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA

WhyEaglesWhy

These numbers from Wisconsin seem fraudulent. I demand a recount.

entropy

Soooooo we’re gonna see a lot of Defense tonight?

Unsurprised

But enough about midwesterners being racists. What about the game?

Unsurprised

I actually left the building for the first time since Thursday. I figure it’s the least I could do for myself on my birthday before I just sit here and rot away.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s your birthday? Happy birthday, man!

ALXMAC

Life’s a bitch and then you die. Happy Birthday!!

entropy

Happy birthday, we got you a shitty NFL game!!