Your “The Mother-In-Law Is Coming Over? I’ll Be Watching Football. [looks at tonight’s game] SON OF A BITCH!” Monday Night NFL Open Thread

Welp, here it is. The ultimate test of the footballing fan. Did you think it was a walk in the park every time you turned on the tube-like device to catch your favourite sport? No. There’s work to be done tonight and I for one welcome it. Why? Because there be some tremendously witty fellers/lassies out there that won’t be constrained by cheering for/being let down by their stupid team. There may even be discussions of *gasp* non-football thingys. That’s kinda how we do things over here… TO THE GAME!

Indy/NYJ-If the Colts win everyone in the AFC South (Jags excepted of course) will be 6-6 and “controls their own destiny” in the exact same manner of Sisyphus. You see, this narrative is predicated on each team running the table (NOPE!) because .500 squads do this all the time. Did I mention that the Colts and Texans play each other next week? A tie would muddy the waters quite nicely, I guess. But so would a win by either team because sports scribblers must do what they do.  I now turn my attention to the Jets…

I’m done. BRING THE FUNNY!

 

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Recovery Whiskey

sweet jumping jesus, I just remembered I still have a bottle of airplane scotch from the flight today.

It’s a party now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Esiason is killing the Jets on the radio broadcast. It’s hilarious.

Unsurprised

If only he’d gone to his office on 9/11, we could have enjoyed the reverse

jjfozz

I’m caught up TWD, and it sucks ass. Maybe start in on Robotworld or Robots Out West or whatever the fuck it is. Or gain some ground on American Horror Story.

entropy

Go to Westworld, you’ll be happy you did.

JustStopDude

This is depressing…and I have three illegitimate kids suing me concurrently.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You should change your username to Cromartie/4.

Recovery Whiskey

Hodor? hodor

entropy

Molly was clearly the wrong drug for this game.

Anyone got any cyanide?

Senor Weaselo

Busted coverage, DRINK

Recovery Whiskey

I thought about googling “blow your socks off early” but decided I’d better disconnect from work’s VPN first.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Oh men. MEN! I am running at Hour 32 without sleep and have broken out the bourbon. I’m assuming this feeling is what would result from making a Artisanal Crafted IPA out of meth

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Does anyone know how to adjust the color on a youtube video so blue looks green and orange looks white?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKqeCXBilVE

The Maestro

If someone feels like bringing me some fried chicken, that’d be great. Thanks in advance.

Senor Weaselo

You want the wings I got last week? That’ll clear your sinuses, and several other things.

The Maestro

Honestly, I feel like a little colon cleanse could probably do me some good.

jjfozz

THIS GAME, I CALL IT MANHATTAN WHEN IT WAS OWNED BY THE INDIANS, BECAUSE THERE ARE HORSES RUNNING WILD ALL OVER NEW YORK

entropy

“The Jets may want to go back in the locker room and start over.”

Fuck me, we’re getting do-overs now?!

LemonJello

He’s being polite, they really want to go back to the locker room, change back into regular clothes and hit the titty bars.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fitzpatrick picked up that football with all the urgency of a man who has dropped his keys.

Senor Weaselo

Evening everyone, are the Jets losing yet?
*turns on TV*
“The Jets have not been good on both sides of the ball.”

litre_cola

I made korean bulgogi tonight due to your post. Mrs. Cola said it was too spicy, now I get all of it!

jjfozz
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did the conversation in that GMC commercial suddenly get awkward because the white suburban woman was thinking her neighbor’s “new” car was stolen?

litre_cola

DFO, repeat after me.

I am only here tonight so I don’t get fined.

jjfozz

So there’s this
http://i.imgur.com/rUe3inw.jpg

Unsurprised

GODDAMN IT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Buster Skrine” sounds like advice one redneck would give to another if their kid was spending too much time playing around with their cellphone.

LemonJello

You can really feel the apathy through the tv screen tonight.

entropy

JETS FOOTBALL: FEEL THE LISTLESS ENNUI!!

Brick Meathook

Colts vs Jets???!!!!

I like to have a little fun with it and pretend it’s Superbowl III in Miami. Yep, there’s Broadway Joe and Earl Morrall, and is that Johnny Unitas coming in off the bench?

My hallucinations arethe best part of my life.

entropy

I’m about 35 minutes in on a decent hit of Molly and that’s not even making a dent in how painfully unfun this game is for me.

Brick Meathook

That is one of the most original sentences I have ever read in the English language.

entropy

Stick around I’m sure to get stranger as the night goes on

Recovery Whiskey

I’m not one to criticize life choices, but that sounds like a monumental waste of Molly

jjfozz

Well, my wife has a sore neck and back so obviously ITS THE APOCALYPSE SHE COULD BE PARALYZED OR WORSE! CALL THE MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS!

I’m not saying she’s a bad patient, but jesus christ almighty, is she a bad patient.

Unsurprised

You should kill her

LemonJello

Have you selected the pillow you’re going to use to snuff her out? You don’t want her to suffer, after all…

Unsurprised

Smothering leave telltale signs of trauma in the retinas. Better to shove something down her windpipe.

LemonJello

A smaller pillow?

/not the funniest first choice, but I don’t want to get on Fozz’s flaming snowplow shit list

Shogun Marcus

HOW BAD IS SHE?
/we doing call and response jokes?

jjfozz

She is not so bad that I have to snuff her, but bad enough that I’m close to losing my shit on her and then having to hear what a heartless bastard/asshole I am.

Have to admit, she’s right.

LemonJello

We should start a club.

Shogun Marcus

Hmm…set-up is good. Punchline needs a little work.
/hope she feels better quick
//legit back pain is the worst, there’s no magic fix

entropy

When a horse pulls up lame, they shoot him. Just a friendly conversation starter, Revis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s kind of cruel. They should at least use him to scare the bejeesus out of Eric Berry first.

LemonJello

Hodor Barnraiser is interested in your theories and wishes to subscribe to your non-technologic newsletter.

entropy

I’ll leave the carved stone tablets outside the communal men’s home in the morning.

litre_cola

That made Trent Richardson nervous.

Unsurprised

Richardson is either Irsay’s connect or fall guy because otherwise he’d have been put down long ago.

JustStopDude

Too drunk to look this up…how many wins to the Jets have?

Based on that first series…3?

entropy

No, that’s average number of plays between turnover and/or QB change.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

10 yard return on the opening kickoff? Jets appear to be in a hurry to start Jetsing tonight.

entropy

Jeremy Ross really honoring Joe McKnight there

entropy

Andrew Luck will be starring in next year’s Samsung remake of the Apple Frankenstein’s monster ad.

herodotus450

The inevitable onslaught of new readers coming from that PFTC article are going to be here any minute! We gotta clean this place up, fast. Quick, shove that dead call girl under the rug, flush those qualudues, and for god sakes get rid of those Allied Biscuits!

entropy

DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH THOSE QUAALUDES

Unsurprised
Shogun Marcus

Do we need to make a ¡Sponch! run? Cuz I ain’t fucking sharing.

Unsurprised

You didn’t make the page title long enough

litre_cola

Guess who got their Hard Ride to Nowhere poster????

Headin to get a frame tomorrow to hang in my booze corner.

The Maestro

Still fucking waiting for mine.

Unsurprised

I love how every fucking moron who thinks it’s clever to make 69 jokes are the last fucking men on Earth who would ever actually eat a woman out.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That is quite touching, actually.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, we have hundreds of new views today on DTZM’s Rasputin post. So, hi, newcomers! https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/09/06/an-open-letter-to-new-dfo-visitors/

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hey hey!

litre_cola

Oh with that link we gunna traffic here bulleee dat. Chuh chuh.

entropy

I am repeating myself from yesterday, because I have some left: Monday night is a fine time for MDMA.

Unsurprised

I can’t understand why anyone would watch Walking Dead. Meanwhile, there’s no Westworld thread for me to jerk off onto about how awesome the season finale was.

entropy

I was really quite impressed with that finale, but we can’t discuss it here because some people probably haven’t watched it yet and there will be all manner of anger should we start talking about when the aliens landed and Evan Rachel Wood was revealed to be the Judge from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Beerguyrob

Are you alleging Christopher Lloyd is being played by Ed Harris?

comment image

Unsurprised

No, but I am guilty of the charges levied by Divine

JustStopDude

C’MON MAN segment is literally everything I hate about MNF, ESPN, and the NFL…and life in general.

Unsurprised

Life is one long C’mon Man segment

JustStopDude

Even when I agree with Trent Dilfer, I still want to put a cigarette out on his forehead.

Even despite Ray Lewis’ “God protects me when I kill and preach” shit is less annoying then Dilfer acting like an NFL expert considering his claim to fame was he beat out Tony Banks for the filler spot on an NFL championship team.

entropy

So I stopped at a new pizza place today, and they have two menus on the wall, a giant one to the left of the counter, and a smaller one above it. Above the counter, you can get a “regular” pizza, but only a “reguler” slice. On the large menu on the wall, you can get a “reguler” whole pizza as well, but you can only order the “regular” slice from that menu.

I was suitably impressed with the dedication to mediocrity.

JustStopDude

I think it was code for the DNC per the race and the age of the little boy they want to rape.

http://www.infowars.com

entropy

NO. That shit is RiGHT OUT.

JustStopDude

They need to cut down on the annoying bald white people by at least two….

JustStopDude

Jets are a small market team right? I have a coworker that got insanely heated when I compared the Jets to the Ravens…as in both are “small market” teams and he flipped his fucking shit.

Like people have to pull him away from me.

entropy

Not so much small market as “awkward little brother” team… sort of like the Mets are to the Yankees.

God I hate my sports team affiliations. I have been able to walk away from serious relationships easier than I give up on these stupid sports teams.

entropy

FUCK YOU BERMAN JUST DIE ALREADY

Unsurprised

It’s always fun to approach a job application thinking “How am I going to fuck this up?”

entropy

As a Jets fan, I should show some sort of excitement for this game, right? Maybe even think it could be enjoyable?

Unsurprised

Why start now?

litre_cola

So much on the line in fantasy footbaw with this shitbox of a game. Fuck, I do not want to watch this but my addiction makes it necessary.

/turns on game
/hello my name is Litre_Cola and I have a problem.

LemonJello

Hi, Litre_Cola! Pull up a seat and share in our watching of tonight’s bed-shitting.

entropy

psssst… we don’t share last names at the meetings.

litre_cola

So we are all like Brazilian footballers, got it. At meetings I would like to be referred to as Litrinho

Unsurprised

Screaming towards a fiery hellscape and the sweet release of death?

ballsofsteelandfury

Trust me, that’s a lot better than Colinho.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

#oversharing:

I need to write my self assessment for my semi-annual review. I keep putting it off because I’m not happy with my own performance this year. I think the answer is to get hammered and just let it rip.

JustStopDude

I fucking detested having to do that in the military. I have gotten better at it in the civilian world, but dear god it used to annoy the fuck out of me that my immediate supervisors, that I worked with like 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, could not fucking remember who the fuck I was or what I was doing.

LemonJello

It’s nice to see that kind of asinine leadership spans across branches of government.

Fucking fitness reports.

JustStopDude

We used to call them the “Bi-annual Brush With Death” test…

Unsurprised

Which is saying something given some of the stories you’ve shared

entropy

I wrote mine one year in a TV Guide grid format, with each hour of every work week represented…. no one really appreciated how many reruns of “entropy avoids serious altercation with idiot coworker” there were per week. HR had a talk with me after that one, so the next year I copied someone else’s (from another department” and changed the name. No one noticed.

JustStopDude

Ugh…I am on vacation. I am not supposed to be bothered by anyone at work.

We have a new drive and a field engineering is attempting to tune it. Its pretty much the same as every other drive this guy has done, but since it is new, he is going full retard on me. The drive is to run a large motor attached to a pump.

Imagine if you will, a V12 Ferrari engine, shoved into a Ford Pinto. This drive could literally fling this 22 ton motor into the air.

For some insane reason, my coworker keeps telling me he needs to set the current limits (which will destroy everything) to 250%…which is what we do for our crazy shit like main mill stands for steel mills. For pumps, its should NEVER go above 110%.

He effectively wants this shitty ford Pinto to hit 180 mph from a complete stop as soon as the light changes at an intersection. I’ve worked with this guy before in the past. He is very intelligent but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why he is wanting to do this. I would ignore him except I am terrified he is going to destroy a shitty motor and a shitty pump, both of which are still going to be very expensive.

entropy

Uh, out of curiosity, can the new drive fling the 22-ton motor with any accuracy?

//asking for a –, oh fuck it. I want to know if I can stage a convincing “industrial accident” near one of these things for fun and profit.

JustStopDude

Officially…I never accidentally placed a 40ft shipping container on the site manager’s car at a foreign port due to a “software” glitch.

Unsurprised

BECAUSE FUCK IT

Brocky

Weird opinion: as unlikable as kaepernick has become, absolutely no one is acknowledging the fact that the snow really affected him yesterday. I’m completely serious.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And the fact that Chip Kelly called like 8 passing plays the entire first half.

Shogun Marcus

It is odd. But it’s not like it was a full-on blizzard either. Easier to fill columns and dead air with hawt taeks of righteous indignation and told you so’s.

LemonJello

These are the games that try men’s souls…

Clots v Jest, Somebody Has to Win, Right?

(C’mon tie!)

Shogun Marcus

Is the game tetherball with a cinder block?

Shogun Marcus

Let the block hit you. Time will fly by!
-T. Green and L. Kuechly

LemonJello

He’s not going to Baltimore! It’s Michigan (Or Ontario ???), so it’s probably tetherball with a rusty wheel rim or something…

JustStopDude

NBC Nightly News just interviewed the shithead and his wife that rented out the Oakland death trap.

What the fuck is that idiot thinking doing an interview. Pretty much everything he said just put the noose tighter around his neck. His wife, crying and trying to make them out to be victims was equally unreal. And I really don’t mean to blame the victims but for the love of god, what were people thinking living in a warehouse that had crates set up as stairs?!?

LemonJello

Laying the groundwork for an insanity defense? Diminished capacity? Lawyer-types, help me out, what’s the legal term for “galactically stupid and greedy”? (Trumpian is not an acceptable answer in this instance)

JustStopDude

Oh he fucked himself royally. In the interview, he literally said “I tried to fix everything I could afford to fix”…basically acknowledging he knew it was a death trap, the structure was NOT rated for residential use, and that he wired the place himself without any permits or even a clue of what he was doing.

Unsurprised

“Lawyer-types, help me out, what’s the legal term for “galactically stupid and greedy”?”

Out-of-court-settlement

Brocky

He just isn’t that bright. If common sense were actually common, people wouldn’t do stupid shit.

entropy

Best interview question I was ever asked was, “How would you defined common sense?” Stumped me for like five minutes. Turns out trying to come up with a good answer was what he was looking for, and I got the job.

Unsurprised

It’s subjective nonsense, just like the “Reasonable Person” bullshit we have to put up with.

ballsofsteelandfury

It really would be the Jetsiest thing for them to win convincingly today, give everyone a glimpse of what could have been, and then shit the bed for the next four weeks.

Brocky

I’ll say this, I wish the bears had hired bowles instead of Jon fox.

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