Your “The Mother-In-Law Is Coming Over? I’ll Be Watching Football. [looks at tonight’s game] SON OF A BITCH!” Monday Night NFL Open Thread

Welp, here it is. The ultimate test of the footballing fan. Did you think it was a walk in the park every time you turned on the tube-like device to catch your favourite sport? No. There’s work to be done tonight and I for one welcome it. Why? Because there be some tremendously witty fellers/lassies out there that won’t be constrained by cheering for/being let down by their stupid team. There may even be discussions of *gasp* non-football thingys. That’s kinda how we do things over here… TO THE GAME!

Indy/NYJ-If the Colts win everyone in the AFC South (Jags excepted of course) will be 6-6 and “controls their own destiny” in the exact same manner of Sisyphus. You see, this narrative is predicated on each team running the table (NOPE!) because .500 squads do this all the time. Did I mention that the Colts and Texans play each other next week? A tie would muddy the waters quite nicely, I guess. But so would a win by either team because sports scribblers must do what they do.  I now turn my attention to the Jets…

I’m done. BRING THE FUNNY!

 

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Brick Meathook

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Curse of Marino

EVERYTHING’S COMING UP VAN HOUTEN

entropy

Ah. So Petty is THAT quarterback. He can throw it a mile, but no goddamn accuracy.

The Maestro

How else do you think they managed to rack up absolutely insane yardage totals game after game at Baylor?

litre_cola

Raping?

Unsurprised

Sex Cannon Jr.?

LemonJello

Bowles starting his Tomsula Hobo Beard already?

entropy

That didn’t even look like that was a difficult throw for Petty. Fucking hell.

Brick Meathook

Did somebody just run on the field?

I can’t hear it! SHOW ME!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“If I were petty…”

I’d be Tony Dungy?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did they show the state trooper tackle that guy?

Radio announcer: “The cops are hitting harder than the Jets’ defense.”

JustStopDude

Streakers are the high point…

It must be MNF for the JETS….

Unsurprised

That presumes he ever had knees, which I find highly dubious.

entropy

Wait! Petty sighting! Maybe one more series…. *<–true sign of an addict

entropy

American Dad time? Oh yes. American Dad time.

Senor Weaselo

Padre Weaselo took control of the remote at 14-0. Headphones are on and I’m attempting to write but the funny.

Senor Weaselo
Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Every time I see this I am reminded of how shitty manufacturing has become. There used to be a time when he would break and the solid core door would remain intact.

entropy

“My people still build a proper door.”

–Andrew Luck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The door was already busted before he dived into it. Damn details.

Unsurprised

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

Fuck you.

JustStopDude

Sooo drunk right now…

Two hours ago I rediscovered religion.

An hour ago, I made up with two of my ex wives…

Right now I just hit up my landlord’s daughter….

Its the cycle of life….

Unsurprised

Congratulations to the fourth Mrs. Dude

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Landlord’s daughter? Something something something buttered corn on the cob!

Senor Weaselo

Well he lost executive’s daughter, so who’s next?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Alternate punchline:

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Curse of Marino

It appears that Revis Island has been swallowed by the sea. If only we had listened to Al Gore sooner

Shogun Marcus

“What’s that? We all wear Brown shirts now? Well ok.”

LemonJello

“Throw in some shiny jack boots and some skull emblems and it’s a deal.”

entropy

I’m pretty warm to the idea, provided I get to determine who gets tortured or bombed. For instance, those who are indiscriminately in support of such things.

litre_cola

I still have a condo for rent up here, walking distance to see the Ice Stampeders. However it is -24 Celsius right now.

LemonJello

What is that, like negative eleventy bajillion in real degrees?

litre_cola

Fucking cold, and fucking windy.

Curse of Marino

They dragged the Flaming Lips and Anthony Hopkins into your fucking mess? Fuck you Michael Bay.

JustStopDude

the Flaming Lips and Anthony Hopkins have both show to be total whores when it comes to money in the past….

Curse of Marino

Wouldn’t a space ship bigger than our moon do some serious gravitational shit to our planet?

entropy

I…. God dammit… NO. Just, NO.

JustStopDude

Yes…no…maybe…watch my NatGeo show for two weeks to decide!

entropy

This is the Molly talking: that’s the remains of a GOD DAMN PLANET. EVERY THING would end. All done, game over.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is it powered by and filled with ignorance? Because that is possible now.

Col. Duke LaCross

Is Anthony Hopkins really narrating a Transformers ad? This had to have been before the Westworld cash started pouring in, right?

JustStopDude

I totally ignore the half time Berman shit show. Instead I watched video of my favorite NFL player right now…

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Its funny to see a kicker kind of hitting it on all cylinders but also admit that he’s a kicker so not really a true football player.

Every single Justin Tucker interview has been hilarious.

Claymaker

I have L.A. Woman playing and when this gif popped up almost did a spit take. It’s perfect when Jim comes in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3jf9_rua5Q

entropy

So Michael Bay is going to add “total incomprehension of celestial mechanics” to the list of crimes in this Transformers shitfest?

Unsurprised

Because Armageddon was a fucking masterpiece of astrophysics?

entropy

That was marginal misunderstanding; this is full blown assault against intelligence levels of stupidity.

Unsurprised

After November 8, there is no intelligence left to assault

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

This is to counter my above post. Keeps the world in balance.

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WCS

You really want to cheer for the meteor? Go check sites like HotAir dot com or Gateway Pundit. They’re convinced this was a false flag operation, headed up by Hillary and Obama. #2A #MAGA

litre_cola

Oh dear lord. With the outlets for disinformation nowadays we are all doomed.

WCS

Donald Drumpf is the President-elect, and Michael Bay keeps getting to make Transformers movies. The universe is a cold, uncaring place.

entropy

For a moment I was terrified Berman was going to add color commentary to footage of the Pearl Harbor attack.

WCS

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The Maestro

Why is Lionel Hutz so unhappy about jacking off two invisible dicks??

Recovery Whiskey

THIS GAME, I CALL IT A CHRIS BERMAN BROADCAST, BECAUSE ITS HALF ASSED, MAILED IN, AND WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT 30 YEARS AGO.

Curse of Marino

Hot Wendy’s girl or AT&T Girl?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Need to do both to make the correct choice.

entropy

Breaking News: RGIII may get the chance to suffer this year’s season ending injury this weekend.

LemonJello

Who’s the Cleveland team doctor, Josef Mengele?

Unsurprised
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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litre_cola

Mind blown.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; nice painted tits.

entropy

I don’t think I’m gonna miss Berman.

No, seriously, I’m like two feet away. I automatic with a 45 from this distance.

LemonJello

Empty the magazine, reload, repeat. It’s the only way to be sure.

Recovery Whiskey

Did Berman finally contract ass-cancer?

LemonJello

I wouldn’t wish that on ass cancer.

Curse of Marino

Oh no, the Jets killed grandpa

JustStopDude

THIS GRUDEN, I CALL HIM “MY GIRLFRIEND’S KID” CAUSE I PUT UP WITH HIM BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I CANNOT STAND HIM AND HE IS COCKBLOCKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME ENJOYING HIS MOM!

Col. Duke LaCross

That’s pretty meta.

Unsurprised

JustStopDude turned into Belichik so gradually nobody noticed

Recovery Whiskey

Indy having a $5 promotion in honor of Jared’s 5 dollar foot long?

Curse of Marino

“Anyderp you can herp I can derp better” – 2016 Indianapolis Colts

entropy

When the fuck has THAT ever happened?

Recovery Whiskey

That play is the best possible way to turn a near-sure TD into a touchback

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

So this is Fitzpatrick’s revenge on Bowles for benching him, right?

Brick Meathook

That pass just got Harvarded to the other team.

Curse of Marino

“I think Hackenberg is being redshirted”

That might be because he is not near NFL ready.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or good

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s being traded to the Chiefs?

Senor Weaselo

I guess killing him does clear up the QB question a little.

entropy

I think Jon had that interception line queued up before the throw

Brocky

Dok, if you’re watching, sorry about Dwayne allen. He’s unowned every other league except the dfo. I’m sure you’re relatively fragile position in the standings (1st) will be greatly effected.

ALXMAC
Brick Meathook

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Recovery Whiskey

The cat’s name is Trump

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“When you’re a cat, you can do whatever you want…”

– Jay Cutler

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is a great comment.

ArmedandHammered

Cat Fight!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Show me on the doll where the “head area” is.

entropy

It’s by the “bathing suit area.”

LemonJello

Penn State doll?

entropy

Every time I see this artificial turf ad, I get wildly happy about the idea of shock pads on the field, and they do and ruin it with an explanation