Your “Let’s Further Muddy The Playoff Waters This Week, Shall We?” NFL Football Early Slate Open Thread

There’s much to get to so let’s go directly… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Buf-The Steelers look a lot like a team rounding into playoff shape. During their recent 3 game run they’ve recorded 13 sacks which has doubled their season total. That’s quality quarterback-getting! Add an improving D to an O that is becoming increasingly reliant on rb Bell and his average of 140 yards from scrimmage per game and yet still has the wondrous Antonio Brown in its arsenal and that looks to me like a delicious recipe for post-season success. Meanwhile the Buffalo “Absent from the playoffs for 16 years and counting” Bills beat reporters are beating the hell out of qb Taylor, badgering him about his stats, his big contract and his utter lack of whiteness-though that last part is implied.

Den/Ten-Qb Siemian was limited in practice for much of the week but will get the start today. Denver is 4-2 on the road and needs this one badly because they’ve got the likes of the Raiders, Chiefs and Pats lurking on the horizon. The Titans “meh” 6-6 record is good for first in their division. It’s all or nothing for them because if they don’t end up winning the AFC South (and let’s be honest-a quick exit from the playoffs) they’ll have no shot at a wild-card berth.

Was/Phi-Philly has lost 7 of their last 9, allowing their fans to be their truly horrible selves. That 3-0 start was just The Fates having their fun, wasn’t it? We all knew that the partial tear-down of a Chip Kelly-engineered team would be a painful process and we ended up being correct. The Redacteds are a half-game behind Tampa for the second NFC wild-card despite being 6-5-1. Yeesh!

Ari/Mia-The Fins must be the least intimidating 7-5 team in ever, especially after getting exposed as the charlatans they are by the Ravens last week. That said, Arizony can’t win on the road and will be waving bye-bye to their (rightly) pathetic playoff hopes when this game is over. Just curious, has Berman used Adam “Foot on the” Gase yet because I don’t want it.

SD/Car-This game means nothing to anyone. No, wait. It does mean something to all those weirdos that are putting together their 2017 Mock Draft 3.2 or whatever.

Cincy/Cle-[tentatively pencils in Cleveland as having the first overall pick] “Hey, cut me a break-I’m new at this!”

Chi-Det-The Lions have a solid 2 game lead in the NFC North. [checks standings for the fifth time] Yep, 2 games. They’re still there. How they’ve gotten to where they are without a credible run game and the loss of a sure Hall of Famer at wideout sure does tickle the old cortex. The Bears wr’s Jeffrey and Royal are out and Wilson is dicey to play due to being hamstrung. I have no idea who qb Barkley will throw to, or if throwing the ball is part of the game plan, or if there is a game plan or if the coaches were even told that there is a game this week.

Hou/Indy– 666 may be the mark of the beast but 6-6-6-6-6-6 is the mark of an AFC South division putz, er, leader-all three of them. Perhaps we get a tie in this tilt and the mark could change to 6-6-1? Crossed fingers have been engaged.

Min/Jac– The 2-10 Jags were eliminated from playoff contention “just last week” according to somebody with much too much time on their hands. Great job hanging in there, Gus. Whatever you do, don’t let that win/loss record hit you on the way out the door, ’cause that would be remarkably painful. Any bets on him being the first coach fired on the Monday after the regular season finishes up? Say, 6 am local time? Despite a winnable game vs. the Cowboys ending up as an L, the Vikes 5-0 kickstart is looking to be as much of an aberration as the Eagles “out of the gate” 3-0. “But they could still turn it around!”, some will say-and yes, that is in the realm of possibility and will gain credence after they whoop the Jags but, no. You had your chance in the middle of the season and you blew it.

There. Let’s pretend you’re all caught up. Now, GIMMEE SOME OF THAT WORD/GIF-BASED LOVIN’!

 

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

DeMarco Murraydown.

Chip Kelly, clearly a genius.

Doktor Zymm

Running doesn’t get the offense of the field fast enough!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Anyone have a link to the Bears probably winning a game against Detroit and further ruining their draft position? For some reason we have the 3rd place in division Vikings game here even though the Packers are one of the late games. My normal sites aren’t working.

Also, still really drunk from yesterday. Not even the tinyest bit hungover, just straight still drunk

Spur

Look in here…………you dont know me or where this link came from
https://www.reddit.com/r/nflstreams/comments/5hr071/game_thread_lions_vs_bears_0100_pm_et/

Shogun Marcus

Check cbs. Crossflex b.s.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oops. It is on there. I didn’t even check because it wasn’t an AFC game.

King Hippo

shit, forgot I am also fading Gano. BOOOOOO

Curse of Marino

SEA MAMMAL DOWN!

Spur

Does the whole drawing people offsides on fourth even work anymore? I don’t think I’ve seen it work all year.

WCS

Seems like something the Browns would do six or seven times in any given game.

WCS

HARFCEPTION

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry to steal your schtick momentarily, balls…
(balls breathing quickens in fear)
I did NOT need Sunday Ticket this week.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s not a schtick. I really did get rid of it.

But yeah, i get your point.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I this is my last yr making the jump. Probably keep redzone tho. We’ll see.

ballsofsteelandfury

You can’t. If you want RedZone, you’ve got to get the whole thing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, sounds about right.
Fuck those assholes, then.

King Hippo

uh oh, The Ben throw to wrong catchman in snow

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ben, you fat-headed twunt!

Old School Zero

I’d like to thank No Man’s Sky for allowing me to live out my triple destiny of being a Space Farmer, a Space Architect, and a Space Interior Decorator. I’m now seeking venture capital for my Pottery Barn: MARS! and Restoration Hardware: THE MOON! start ups.

Curse of Marino

The Witcher 3 is allowing me to live out my fantasy of banging buxom wenches.

Old School Zero

This is good skill building via video games.

Curse of Marino

Oh man sassy black ref is officating the Fins-Cardinals game

The Maestro

Jerome Boger, you mean??

Curse of Marino

Yep

The Maestro

Folks.

WCS

I’m beginning to think Le’Veon Bell might be pretty good at this footedball sports game.

Spur

you should ask Peter King to do a article on him.

King Hippo

YESSSSSSS!!!!!

/needed that EifertDOWN

Shogun Marcus

I suppose I should get to know the z-list announcing crews. Know thy enemy and whatnot.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ian Eagle should announce porn.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Mike Zimmer’s Two-Face Halloween costume is fashionably late.

King Hippo

he’s really goddamned terrifying, yeah??

ballsofsteelandfury

SEMEN GETS BLASTED!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Games are on, it’s time to switch off the spice channel

Spur

Boo……It’s not battery throwing weather in Philly yet. I want to see some action.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also I am totes excite about teh snowings in Buffalo

WCS
ThursdaySkyGoddess

WHOOOOO OCTOBOX!

King Hippo

It’s a Festivus Goddess miracle!!

Curse of Marino
theeWeeBabySeamus

What’s up, my buttercups?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

No Octobox?! Disappoint.

Curse of Marino

I started Matthew Ryan over Dakkery Prescott. Good choice or dumb one?

King Hippo

A true Sophie’s Choice. One never knows when Zeke will hog all teh offense points, and the G-men defense purty ok.

King Hippo

I am angry that I can’t keep my TV volume setting at 8 FOAR Kubes because that is Mariota’s number. Have to go with 7 FOAR Our Equine Lord and Saviour.

/yes, am semi-serious

Don T

To: Moose

Re: internet 6-pack challenge

You’re on. But if Broncos lose, you drink this:
comment image

Senor Weaselo

Good afternoon superfriends!

King Hippo

HERE comes heroic music!!

Shogun Marcus

What the hell is a Spero Dedes?

ballsofsteelandfury

At least her butthole is bleached.

Spur
WCS

comment image

BOLTMAN LIKES THE CUT OF THESE GUYS’ JIB

Shogun Marcus

Chicago beats the lions, the jaguras beat the vikings. The packers, seeing this opportunity shit the bed in glorious fashion on national television once again.

...

Wait, no. The Bears must lose so the magnitude of them fucking a high draft pick is increased.

Spur

Am rooting for the Eagles, gross.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In honor of the Eagles-[*Redacted] s game likely to be ugly AF:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlR6ujpB89k

Curse of Marino

Kiko Alonso is out, meaning the Dolphins have no competent LBs today so….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mnx13LZPkQU

King Hippo

NFLN is saying Thielen is a good flex play, but I am sticking with my Bolts duo plus He-manuel Sanders (with Siemian back).

NO MOAR late tinkering, Hippo.

laserguru

Today’s menu features some of the leftover smoked turkey from Thanksgiving.

Smoked turkey enchiladas!
Plus today is the El Segundo Christmas parade so I can see the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile and Santa riding on a Chevron fire truck simply by stepping out on my balcony.

It’s a magical time of year.

Curse of Marino

Man Catholics vs Convicts is by far the worst 30 for 30 ever.
2 hours over a fucking shirt.

King Hippo

I quit it when the Holtz slurping got super heavy. He’s as dirty and whitewashed as John fucking Wooden and his fucking name, voice, and face make me sick.

...

It should have been much shorter. Cutting half the content would have improved it.

Curse of Marino

I had a feeling it would be shit when I learned that they were going for a pro Notre Dame angle.

...

When I saw it would be mostly ESPN personalities doing interviews, I felt as if it was something pushed because it was mostly “in house.”

The story of that rivalry just wasn’t well told. I found it boring to watch and didn’t walk away with a clear message of what the filmmakers thought.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“It should have been much shorter. Cutting half the content would have improved it.”

Hey, leave the Jews out of it. We only take the tip, not half.

WCS

I said it last night, but I’ll repeat: as an Irish (lapsed) Catholic, fuck both those schools up the dickhole with a red-hot crowbar.

Curse of Marino

as a Hurricane fan. Fuck you and Fuck ND

Curse of Marino

OH I’LL BE THERE.

Unsurprised

How could I ever doubt that Captain Chaos is a Bills fan?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Captain Insano is probably a Browns fan

Unsurprised

Are you sure that’s not Captain Braindead?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s excited to see Matt Barkley throw for 250 yards with three interceptions?

No one?

Sounds about right.

King Hippo

Hey, I am starting the Lions D since the SeaTruthers are unplayable this week so FUCK and YES!!

Unsurprised

Another quality performance from the all-star Trojan QB alumni club

Spur

Anyone else excited about this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T09X6nRScac

WCS

Future Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs, Vince McMahon.

King Hippo

Hippo laughs, reaches FOAR v-profen bottle, sweet giver of life.

Unsurprised

That’d be funnier if it weren’t more likely than not to become true

...

The more you think about this joke, the more you realize how really dark it is.

King Hippo

Imagine what gladiator contests he can draw up for PTSD-laden vets, winner gets healthcare.

Unsurprised

More fair than now

King Hippo

Also, on a 20-man roster, I got my “injury update” e-mail Friday…nada. Totes healthy. The set up for a grand implosion is just TOO perfect.

Spur

Folks.

Redshirt

If you can see your breath in the cold, can you also see your farts?

Unsurprised

Not that I’ve ever been able to tell, but I’ve never gone outside pantless in that kind of weather

Shogun Marcus

Not through clothing.
/yes I’ve done the research.

...

Will try to test this during the winter.

King Hippo

My “how did I manage to fuck THAT up” story will involve this…in a league where QBs pretty regularly score in the 20s-30s AND full PPR, my opponent started Carr and Crabs for a total of 7.68 points. QBs don’t start earning until they cross 100 yards, which makes sense when you think about it.

That’s a YUUUUUUUGE spotted lead for King Laserface, David Johnson, Jordan Howard, and the rest of Kill V. Maim. I am so eager to see how they fuck it up.

JustStopDude

How much you want to bet that RG3 leads the Browns into winning the rest of their games for the year, resulting in Browns fan burning Cleveland in rage because they had already accepted losing out for the season and getting the #1 draft pick?

comment image

I think I would actually prefer that.

Senor Weaselo

It is a delicious scotch bubble, so gladly.

King Hippo

Hey, maple donut fucko, I got THREE fantasy skill playas going for the Bolts in that game. It sure nuff matters to MY honky ass.

/rather than tear my hair out deciding whether to stack Williams or Inman with Laserface, started both

//also debating the outside world for a sports bar, since Donks/Titans is way important for 6th seed

///but for reals, with division gone, I should just drink in the manna of RedZone whilst I can, right?

King Hippo

I’ve done the worst to first to worst dive. It’s humbling.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So every year I remind people to keep their flex spot open as long as possible to maximize flexibility in case of a late injury. Guess who already used his flex spot on Michael Crabtree and is going get completely screwed by the Julio Jones injury?

[points at self]

THIS GUY!

King Hippo

My site (for my money league) auto-flexes you, as much as possible. Which is nice.

8 of my 9 play in the early window today.

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