Your “Let’s Further Muddy The Playoff Waters This Week, Shall We?” NFL Football Early Slate Open Thread

There’s much to get to so let’s go directly… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Buf-The Steelers look a lot like a team rounding into playoff shape. During their recent 3 game run they’ve recorded 13 sacks which has doubled their season total. That’s quality quarterback-getting! Add an improving D to an O that is becoming increasingly reliant on rb Bell and his average of 140 yards from scrimmage per game and yet still has the wondrous Antonio Brown in its arsenal and that looks to me like a delicious recipe for post-season success. Meanwhile the Buffalo “Absent from the playoffs for 16 years and counting” Bills beat reporters are beating the hell out of qb Taylor, badgering him about his stats, his big contract and his utter lack of whiteness-though that last part is implied.

Den/Ten-Qb Siemian was limited in practice for much of the week but will get the start today. Denver is 4-2 on the road and needs this one badly because they’ve got the likes of the Raiders, Chiefs and Pats lurking on the horizon. The Titans “meh” 6-6 record is good for first in their division. It’s all or nothing for them because if they don’t end up winning the AFC South (and let’s be honest-a quick exit from the playoffs) they’ll have no shot at a wild-card berth.

Was/Phi-Philly has lost 7 of their last 9, allowing their fans to be their truly horrible selves. That 3-0 start was just The Fates having their fun, wasn’t it? We all knew that the partial tear-down of a Chip Kelly-engineered team would be a painful process and we ended up being correct. The Redacteds are a half-game behind Tampa for the second NFC wild-card despite being 6-5-1. Yeesh!

Ari/Mia-The Fins must be the least intimidating 7-5 team in ever, especially after getting exposed as the charlatans they are by the Ravens last week. That said, Arizony can’t win on the road and will be waving bye-bye to their (rightly) pathetic playoff hopes when this game is over. Just curious, has Berman used Adam “Foot on the” Gase yet because I don’t want it.

SD/Car-This game means nothing to anyone. No, wait. It does mean something to all those weirdos that are putting together their 2017 Mock Draft 3.2 or whatever.

Cincy/Cle-[tentatively pencils in Cleveland as having the first overall pick] “Hey, cut me a break-I’m new at this!”

Chi-Det-The Lions have a solid 2 game lead in the NFC North. [checks standings for the fifth time] Yep, 2 games. They’re still there. How they’ve gotten to where they are without a credible run game and the loss of a sure Hall of Famer at wideout sure does tickle the old cortex. The Bears wr’s Jeffrey and Royal are out and Wilson is dicey to play due to being hamstrung. I have no idea who qb Barkley will throw to, or if throwing the ball is part of the game plan, or if there is a game plan or if the coaches were even told that there is a game this week.

Hou/Indy– 666 may be the mark of the beast but 6-6-6-6-6-6 is the mark of an AFC South division putz, er, leader-all three of them. Perhaps we get a tie in this tilt and the mark could change to 6-6-1? Crossed fingers have been engaged.

Min/Jac– The 2-10 Jags were eliminated from playoff contention “just last week” according to somebody with much too much time on their hands. Great job hanging in there, Gus. Whatever you do, don’t let that win/loss record hit you on the way out the door, ’cause that would be remarkably painful. Any bets on him being the first coach fired on the Monday after the regular season finishes up? Say, 6 am local time? Despite a winnable game vs. the Cowboys ending up as an L, the Vikes 5-0 kickstart is looking to be as much of an aberration as the Eagles “out of the gate” 3-0. “But they could still turn it around!”, some will say-and yes, that is in the realm of possibility and will gain credence after they whoop the Jags but, no. You had your chance in the middle of the season and you blew it.

There. Let’s pretend you’re all caught up. Now, GIMMEE SOME OF THAT WORD/GIF-BASED LOVIN’!

 

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Shogun Marcus

I am typing this: The bears were not allowed to compete in that game.

blackroseMD1

Pick six by some guy I’ve never heard of!

blackroseMD1

Never mind.

Old School Zero

HERE COMES A SAFETY

The Maestro

Also hahahahaha fuck Cam Newton forever hahahahahah

Old School Zero

Chargers… making this… a game? WHYYYYYYYYYY

Old School Zero

Or… not. Phew.

King Hippo

Jim. Caldwell’s. Fuck. Lions. Of. Destiny!

Shogun Marcus

I have no love for either team obvs, but lions/bears is being horribly managed by triplette. He needs to be gone immediately.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

CAMCEPTIONDOWN!

litre_cola

My swearing at the TV is in Pro Bowl form today

Shogun Marcus

Mailed in? Largely absent due to fake injury?

litre_cola

Funny, as I am a manager for postal workers, and Melvin Gordon’s fake injury has fucked me in my last 2 leagues.

Shogun Marcus

I assure you that was random. It was solely an indictment on the pro bowl.

The Maestro

Ohhhh my. Bears fans gon b piiiiiiiissed.

...

Eh.

...

It seems the Bears’ primary color today is yellow. 139 penalty yards!

Curse of Marino

Clais Campbell is a piece of shit

blackroseMD1

Rivers to Chargers fans in the 4th quarter this year:

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

How will this Bears game end? Back breaking INT or heroic push into field goal position with a SHANK for Barth?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Win to fuck up draft position

...

I want a tie.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I change my answer, 9 more penalties then a safety

WCS

Stillers radio just said THE BEN has passed Vinny Testaverde for tenth all-time in NFL passing yards. HARF HARF HARF

Redshirt

Testaverde is #10?! Wow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Like your mom always says, endurance matters.

Spur

Wait now they are holding tryouts for receiver??! – A concerned Nelson Agholor

Shogun Marcus

Mine will do that. His catching ability is quite good.

Redshirt

So, reports are that the Bengals wanted Hue Jackson to take over for Marvin Lewis in two years.

Dodged that bullet, huh?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Let the record reflect I picked Oakland, Arizona, and Denver all to win on the road this week.

I’m an idiot.

...

During the Fox pregame, they were all picking “upsets” from the Chargers-Panthers game and I was stunned not a single person thought Titans over Broncos was a good “upset” pick.

Old School Zero

Denver should have picked up Ziggy Sbotka instead of Nick. At least Ziggy’s got a big swingin’ dick.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Joe Flacco tries bowling….?
(fuck…fucked up my own joke by not typing this up there)

WCS

PRAISE BE TO SHA’NKHOR

Spur

Philly is holding sideline tryouts for a long snapper. I’m not even joking.

...

It’s hilarious.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have to get back to a more healthy lifestyle starting tomorrow.
My liver is audibly screaming, and I’ve gained 5+ lbs since arriving in Vegas last week.
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
The Maestro

Nelson Agholor did a… good??

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Bears are down

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Curse of Marino

They finally did it. This fucking OL finally killed Ryan Tannehill.

Shogun Marcus

Dayyum von butterscotch! Nawtbad.

Spur

Long snapper most under appreciated vital position in sports.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Yes, yes it is.
/Remembers when James Harrison was the back up long snapper

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/09000d5d80bf828f/WK-8-Giants-safety-ties-game

King Hippo

Please sustain that InmanDOWN. 16 points for me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/would like to claim that was a reply fail
//was not a reply fail

Redshirt

Alright, so next game is against the Steelers. Oh, good. Now I get to see Run God Bell up close and personal.

Horatio Cornblower

He has 46+ points for me this week.

It’s a bye week. A point I have mentioned before and will again. Because I am a petty, petty person.

King Hippo

I traded him in my Keeper League on his bye week. For Devontae Booker.

In my defense, there were salary considerations for next season. But yeah, I hate myself extra.

Horatio Cornblower

Ouch.

litre_cola

Just got home from work and took a look. Fuck me, Melvin Gordon better be dead or rub some dirt on it and get back out there.

King Hippo

He ded. Like, real ded. Hip, not knee.

blackroseMD1

Well, he plays for the Chargers, so he’s probably dead.

Spur

Sproles just died for the sin of being an Eagle. Dirty as fuck hit. Capt Kirk better watch out.

King Hippo

I hope there is a full-scale riot. It would be deserved.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Holy shit, I just saw the PFTCommenter thing – WE’RE CELEBRITIES

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Where he linked to us on the 5th. I’ve been off the grid a bit.

WCS

What are you talking about, dad?

Shogun Marcus

The Jeff Fisher/Rasputin theory.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

When he linked to us last week. I have been an absentee dad all week.

Old School Zero

WHAT HAPPEN ? ? ?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

He linked to the Fisher/Rasputin piece I did last week – Beerguyrob linked to it Tuesday night but I have been a terrible internet parent.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DAD DOESN’T LOVE US ANYMORE

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey, I’m here today for your recital or whatever.

Old School Zero

You’re the damn best.

...

The fans in Philly are getting their battery throwing arms warmed up.

King Hippo

Stafford is really gonna give the entire season away, eh?

Curse of Marino

Whats the name of the Flag God?

Shogun Marcus

Bleergh. Almighty Bleergh.

WCS

BLEERGH. PRAISE BE TO HIM.

Redshirt

Head Referee: “Why did you throw the flag?”
Line Judge: “Well, Mike Nugent’s kick was good. They had to do something wrong, right?”

WCS
King Hippo

It might be time to take a walk with The Ben and tell him about the rabbits…

ThursdaySkyGoddess

That’s the voice in my head in all “THE BEN” posts.

Shogun Marcus

It’s a good thing ford field is still new-ish. The weight of the dust on those banners could bring the roof down.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Did you see how Fox carefully framed those shots so you couldn’t see the years on the banners?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Or CBS.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
King Hippo

WHY does Tomlin let The Ben keep throwing? Can he not tell he’s too stupid to process the snow.

WCS

Jebus Criminey, THE BEN…

blackroseMD1

HorseBalls sighting in Carolina!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Awww, I wanted at least one ill-advised pass, directly to a defender.

King Hippo

I need He-mannuel Sanders to score very badly

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

There ya go boss.

WCS

Someone asked about a defense jumping offsides on a fourth down? Meet the Buffalo Bills.

theeWeeBabySeamus
ThursdaySkyGoddess

That’s quite mesmerizing.

...

/claps in hypnotic rhythm

King Hippo

Rex and team discipline do not mix

King Hippo

Iggles now a FG away, unfortunately their range on that is 0.

Spur

Here comes the Factory.