Missmember

The Internet is a wonderful weird place that has led me down many interesting rabbit holes.  I just got out of one thanks to this article in the New Statesman.

It’s worth a click,  but the main gist is that there are certain commonly accepted facts that are,  upon review, totally and completely false.

I know.  Mind blown.

So,  I started reevaluating everything I know about the NFL to determine what was real and what wasn’t.  The results of my research are below.  Read at your own risk.

Belief: The Cleveland Browns have been bad at football since their heyday before we were all born and when they won many NFL Championships.

Evidence: This year.  Last year.  The year before that. I could go on. And I did.  And that’s where things got interesting.  In the 80s, the Browns actually made it to the AFC Championship! Three times! And won the AFC Central (Yes, it was a real division,  Trust me on this.) a total of five times!

And yes,  there is videotape:

Conclusion: My belief is wrong.  The Cleveland Browns WERE good and will be good again!

***

Belief: Roger Goodell Is A National Disgrace.

Evidence: This entire site.  The collected works of KSK. All rational thought of every human being on the planet not named Peter King.

Or so I thought.

Researching more deeply,  I discovered some startling evidence that,  should I choose to reveal it,  may land myself and the founders of this site in some deep waters and get DTZM sued which would be a strict violation of the prime directive.  There would go our $12 shares.

Conclusion: You’re just going to have to trust me on this: Roger Goodell is NOT a National Disgrace.

He is an INTERNATIONAL Disgrace.

***

Belief: The Seattle Seahawks started in the AFC West and then switched to the NFC West recently.

Evidence: My own personal memories.  The collected works of Dick Enberg. I swear to Bleergh he was always announcing Seahawks/AFC West games,  wasn’t he?

Or so I thought.  Turns out the Seahawks started in the NFC West!

Conclusion: Reality is breaking down. I’m starting to lose it.

***

Belief: The Houston Oilers will play the Houston Texans on Week 17 for the AFC South.

Evidence: I have drank a lot of Nyquil. Like a lot.  Plus some tequila.  Did I mention that pot is legal in California?

Conclusion: Purple Monkey Dishwasher

 Editor’s Note: DFO is very proud to feature Trent Greene as a new columnist. As soon as we get his permissions straight,  he will get his own bio. We may need to get rid of the math problem in order to log in,  though. 

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Miss Member is also what Wolfman Rob calls his favorite tgirl in Bangkok

litre_cola

Is that 12 dollars American? If so,us northerners are rich and we can quit our jobs!

Unsurprised

Also a friendly reminder that Diora Baird is hot as fuck.
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Unsurprised
montythisseemsstrangetome

I can never keep it straight, does Missmember have 30 or 31 days?

montythisseemsstrangetome

And Charlie Jones always had the Broncos games.

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jjfozz

Belief: Marriage is a series of challenges, missteps, and victories that you share with the best friend you married.

Reality: Jesus christ on a pony, you have GOT to be kidding me. Plop me in the blood and rat filled trenches of the Somme and I’d be happier.

montythisseemsstrangetome

There’s actually a lot of research* on how bad our memories are, compared to how good we think they are. And because of that, eyewitness testimony doesn’t have anywhere near the reliability that the courts seem to give it. Maybe one of our law-talkin’-guys can weigh in.

* cites no studies… working from memory here.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Ooooooh yeah. It’s really goddamned scary how bad witnesses can be, and how we’ve essentially built our entire justice (and especially criminal justice) system on the unwarranted belief that if someone seems believable and testifies as to what they saw, you should believe them.
Hell, the same is true of parties. I once had to explain to a younger attorney why we weren’t going to fire our client for lying to us when paperwork surfaced late in discovery that showed that things had happened in a different order than our client had testified. He didn’t seem to grasp that our guy absolutely believed he was telling us and the other side the truth, he was just remembering wrong.

Unsurprised

Ah. Liberal lawyers are fucking idiots.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Ha ha, those guys are making fun of Trent Green again. I’d hate to be him!”

– Trent Green

Beerguyrob

“I don’t see how this News Tates Man confused you.”

— Emmitt Smith

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Belief: BOLTMAN is a benevolent Elder God from another world that would, uh, like to give you all free fish tacos and beer, provided you wander the Qualcomm Stadium basement without a flashlight.

Evidence: Please, Master, let my family go! I’ve done as you’ve asked! The heretics will be here soon and–

Conclusion: What are you hacking off?! Is it my torso?! IT IS!

Senor Weaselo

And that is how Low Commander got a guitar torso for Christmas, boys and girls.
/Guitar riff being played on LC

LemonJello

Does he have confetti-cannon fingertips?

\asking for a friend

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

C-HOX were only in the NFC West for a year before switching. PICK A LANE, YOU INDECISIVE NAVEL-GAZING HIPSTERS!

LemonJello

As soon as the NFL gets expansion teams on Epsilon Eridani and Upsilon Andromedae, Roger Goodell can become an INTERGALACTIC DISGRACE!

I, for one, welcome our new exoplanetary commentists to DFO.

Senor Weaselo

Jeez, how much NyQuil did you drink that you’re making up entire football teams and divisions now? Texans? Titans? AFC South?

LemonJello

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