2016, the year of many unspeakable things, is dead. And with it NFL regulation time. As one can see, the conferences have neatly cleaved into intriguing/watchable (NFC) and abhorrent dumpster fire (AFC).

Let’s get the bad shit out of the way first. The P*ts unsurprisingly whipped the “give no fucks” LOLfins to secure the one seed. But less predictably, the AFC West double happened. The Donks rallied around Strokey Kubes after word of his near-certain retirement leaked, and Wade’s defense battered 2nd string Raider QB McGloin, then #3 Connor Cook.

Thus, a door opened for the boring-ass Chefs, and San Diego played the role of willing home loser all too well. Including Antonio Gates dropping the would be record-breaking TD catch in quasi-garbage time. Christ, what a season for King Laserface and his minions.

So…unabated evil at the top, bland nothingness with the other bye. The best, most interesting challenger down to its 3rd QB. The imaginary Texans are IN, despite having scrambled their new starter’s brains on a QB sneak in a meaningless loss in TN today.

I guess MAYBE the Yinzers have enough firepower to trouble NE, but they have to get through a trip to KC first. And knowing how this past year went (and these playoffs are just an extension of 2016, remember), they will probably lose to fucking Miami in the wild card round, who will then lose in Foxboro 52-3.

Cleveland made a new memory by losing in OT to Landry Fucking Jones today. As if that weren’t embarrassing enough, they also would have won had they not fumbled a would-be pick six…you guessed it…stretching for the goddamned pylon.

In Cincy, Steve Smith Sr. punched his last baby in a Ratbird loss. Honky Bungles RB scored twice. Those early games were. Not. Good.

How bad were the Buffalo Bills? BloodSugarFitzMagic’s Jets absolutely ran train on them in the finale.

The Jaguras led the Humps in their gravydome all day, but lost in the final seconds. Nobody fucking cared. The game was atrocious.

Now, for the NFC. All sunshine and rainbows, except for our resident Doktor. Yeah, the Giants’ D showed up, and Elisha did JUST enough for a 13-10 win, and saving us from a Redacteds playoffs appearance.

Tony Romo even got to play, and throw a TD!! Nobody crippled him, despite the game being played in Philadelphia. Buddy Ryan no doubt turned over in his grave and farted. Iggles won (once Sanchize came in), and nobody fucking cared.

Atlanta controlled its destiny to get the 2nd bye, at home against Breesus Christ and a handful of remaining faithful disciples. New Orleans made a late run at the large Falcon lead, but they only got one onside kick when they needed two to finish the deal. Now, Matty Ice can rest, savour his MVP-worthy regular season, and be prepared to lose in the divisional round by 3 scores. Nobody believes this is a good team.

Their only possible saving grace? Seattle BARELY survived their trip to see Chip’s (possible last stand??) 49ers to lock up the 3 seed. That…is also not a super sharp footy side at the moment.

Since the Giants were locked in as the 5, and Tampa didn’t get their Powerball ticket combo (despite beating the Panthers by stopping a late 2-point attempt for the win), Green Bay and Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny knew going in they had made the playoffs regardless, and would NOT re-match in a week (thank fuck, those are always the WORST).

Which makes for interesting parlor talk. Do you REALLY want to win that badly? Is it objectively better to host the Giants, perhaps the hottest team in the NFL (especially if one is a passing-heavy side like the Pack), rather than taking your chances on the road against the erratic SeaTruthers?? You can argue it either way, if you ask me.

In any event, Rodgers owned the second half and thusly Elisha will pack his footie pyjamas and head for the Tundra next weekend. Those stealthy Fuck Lions of Destiny!! will be the ones sneaking up on the field from behind (teehee) all ninja-like. Starting in fish throw-y land.

Anyway, other NFC flotsam – Sam Bradford set the season record for pass completion percentage. I shit you not. And the Vikes ass-hammered the Bears, whilst Jordan Howard was awesome and made the rest of his team look sub-Cleveland-ish.

Speaking of sub-Cleveland-ish…how about that home effort by Ram It!! against Arizona?? 6-44?? REALLY?? The Cards lost David Johnson early to what looked to be a serious injury, because fuck this year just like last year, LIFE SUCKS GET USED TO IT. But for chuckles, there was Ram It!! trying a reverse pass, which was intercepted, followed by Jared Goff’s hilarious “attempt” at a tackle. This fucking guy…does not seem to me a leader of men. He seems MOAR LIEK Private Buster Bluth when he was playing Army. That’s when it hit me – BABY BUSTER!!!

That’s his new name/meme, exactly. I didn’t even get the subconscious “pssst, because he’s A BUST, get it??” pun until I saw it all typed out. But I’m sticking with it. I have seen the wobbledy ducks this guy gets on lousy 12-yard outs, I don’t worry about eating too much shit on this one.

Sean Mannion also threw a pick-6 , in relief of the turd.

WHEW. Now are you ready to wake up early to maximize your Monday off? Middlesbrough hosts Foxy Footy, then (7:30, NBCSN). Four games in the 10:00 window, with frontrunners playing weak sisters on NBCSN and CNBC. Or, be enterprising and watching 7th position Everton host 8th place Soton in a real fucking football match. The on-better form lately Hammers host destined to finish 6th Manure to close the day (12:15, NBCSN).

Now you want some HAWT JV on JV action, I bet. Because this fucking column isn’t already long enough…

Swampass Bowl – Florida vs. Iowa (1:00, ABC)

No rules, just right?? More liek, no successful forward passing nor dental hygiene. Pass the lighter and the spoon, please.

Cotton Bowl – Western Michigan vs. Wisconsin (1:00, ESPN)

Fortunately, JerralWorld is well-used to hordes of “husky” white folk. Cause Lord-a-mighty, they’s a comin’ for this’un. Having been embarrased in the national semis, the B1G needs to at least prove they are better than the best of the MACtion faction. I mean…PROBABLY, but I ain’t betting real money on it.

Rose Bowl – Southern Cal vs. Paedo State (5:00, ESPN)

Sorry for the use of vernacular, the 2nd participant is also known as “Team Bad Touch.” It was posited amongst the Commentist Party over the weekend – imagine how much it would have to take in order for SC to play the “good guy” role. As we law-talkin-guys like to say…res ipsa loquitor. Or, loosely translated…just look at those disgusting motherfuckers. If you’re watching/reading this in the federal pokey, Juice – we all with you tonight, Big Guy.

Sugar Bowl – Auburn vs. Oklahoma (8:30, ABC)

It would be clever marketing for this to be the “Mexican Coke Sugar Bowl” one year. But nobody fucking asked me. Anyway, based on how the Big 12 has shown to date, Boomer Sooner might make an early night of this fixture.