Your “My Kingdom For An Adequate QB!” Raiders/Texans Wildcard Battle Open Thread

Oak/Hou– If you’re a fan of defenses making signal-callers look silly, have I got a game for you. The Raiders rook Connor Cook doesn’t have much of a CV pro-wise-in his only game he threw at a 66.7% rate with one TD and one INT. That one score was to Amari Copper though. Looking back on his career at Michigan State he seems to be a pocket guy with a fair amount of accuracy. If said pocket collapses, don’t expect him to gallivant down the field. As a junior he had his highest rushing avg. which was a paltry 1.5. His strength (aside from a massive arm) appears to be his ability to go through his reads and prevent the old “happy feet” from manifesting themselves. Recently-named All-Pros lb McKinney, lb Mercilus and combo lb/de Clowney should be able to get to Cook. Mercilus and Clowney between them had an astounding 60 pressures. The Houston D ranked 2nd in the league in pass defense and of the guys mentioned above, the oldest is 26. Further good news for them is that lt Donald Penn “Protector of the Blind Side”, has been ruled out of the game.

On t’udder side of the field is the 72 million dollar throwing disaster Brock Osweiler. Looking at the many and varied stats available for the qb position I couldn’t find Brocky occupying a position any better than 27th. I found a few that had him ranked 33rd and 34th as well. You made the right choice, Elway. Houston’s O-such as it is-scored a meager 23 TD’s all year long-that’s dead last for those that can count. Hopefully rb Miller hit the weight room hard during his two game injury absence because he’s gonna have to carry the O on his shoulders and legs-I’m sure he gets 25+ carries today. If Osweiler must go to the air he’ll be dealing with a Raiders secondary (none of whom I recognize, okay maybe Demps) that has held Stafford, Rivers, Rogers and Luck to 235 yards or less. They should get at least two picks during this tilt.

It sure looks like an old-timey ‘possession is everything-win with D-heavy on the run game-don’t turn the ball over’ sort of footballing game. Sure they’ll be some play-action heaving of the ball downfield here and there but not much.

This is our first playoff game of the new year-HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS!!!

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herodotus450

There’s no way that stat is correct. How could anyone have more qb’s than cleveland? Did that jersey picture lie to me?

fleshwound_NPG

Good defenses, a zillion QBs

Houston is Chicago South

Redshirt

Brock Osweiller sucks so much he sucks at sucking.

Spur

Is Brock elite?

Shogun Marcus

Umm…this “team” don’t look that bad. Hmm the nfl oughta add them.

hippofant

Nice RPO (I think)!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We’ve replaced Brock Osweiler with a competent quarterback, let’s see if anyone notices.

Doktor Zymm

“Hey baby, I’ll finish your drive”
-Tom Savage

herodotus450

Oakland is going to be disapointed when the diagnosis is negative for Non-Hopkins Catchloma.

Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait

I fully expected that dog to start humping him. The internet has ruined me.

jjfozz

Game over

fleshwound_NPG

back in the man cave after eating the wife’s bison-turkey chili

time now for dat jack n coke, which as always a bottle is always within arms length

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eating the wife’s bison-turkey chili is a weird euphemism.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, Unless, Y’Know This One Makes Bank, Or Does Really Well Overseas Or Maybe We Get A Big Payday In China

Dunstan

I have a feeling that “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” is not, in fact, the final chapter.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter – If you’ve seen all the rest, you clearly don’t care what you’re watching!

Doktor Zymm

Wow, how random is that? Without that random twist of fate, he never would have discovered his underlying punting talent! I bet I’m amazing at punting, but we’ll never know….smgdh

King Hippo

Christ, this Cook motherfucker is bad. Can’t they just let Marquette King play QB? I mean, I’m sure he’s an “athlete” amirite??

herodotus450

BUT DOES HE HAVE THE POISE?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What game are you watching? Cook hasn’t been that bad – he’s had at least four dropped passes. Sure, three of those were by Texans defensive backs, but he’s putting it where people can catch it!

Cecil Rhodes

Somewhere in the backwoods of Louisiana, JaMarcus Russell starts arranging a ride to Houston.

LemonJello

He’ll need to check the weight limits at some of the bridges along his way.

fleshwound_NPG

where the fuck was he throwing to

herodotus450

If you name anyone Sloane, even your fictional advertisement character, she’s going to be called Sloane the Slut.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, I know Sloane. She likes to bone.

jjfozz

Hey man, don’t recognize your name/avatar, but great having you here.

jjfozz

Tom Brady as a Raider? Hmmm. Nah, I’d still hate his fucking guts.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even *I* would, I think.

Cecil Rhodes

With all of these two yard runs, Greg Roman and Rex Ryan must be masterbating furiously.

LemonJello

Or, “Saturday” as it’s known in the Roman and Ryan single-wides.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME CONSERVATIVE PLAY CALLING?

Sharkbait

I prefer liberal playcalling. That way if this game gets out of hand it can get aborted.

...

Well, they are in Texas.

King Hippo

I like how that allowed for a 2nd punt on that drive. Hope that happens again and again.

Doktor Zymm

Hey! He punted that 0.04 miles! Cause I measure his punts in miles!

King Hippo

Versts or GTFO

herodotus450

Rods or GTFO

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I prefer parsecs, which could be either time or distance, according to Star Wars.

Doktor Zymm

Cause they had one writer who knew what a lightyear was and one who didn’t

herodotus450

Pro: Shane Lechler has the highest average punt distance in NFL history
Con: (well that was also a con but) He looks like a meth’d up fat baby Matt Damon from Breaking Bad
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Brick Meathook

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

You know the game is going unwell when the punter rages off the field.

jjfozz

Dreadlocks look like they might be the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Next to piercing your rectum with a piece of rebar.

Romonobyl

I have this unreasonable fear that someday I might legitimately slip in the bathroom and fall backwards on a bottle of shampoo or something*, then have to explain what happened in the ER to a chorus of rolling eyes.

*or maybe a cucumber (shower salad anyone?) or that bristly rubber bone the dog showed no interest in. Could happen!

jjfozz

Or that empty jar of peanut butter and the dog’s breath smelling like peanut butter and peanut butter all over your crotch

herodotus450

Oh, you can’t “accidentally” get a shampoo bottle up there, you need to work it in.
Errr…

Romonobyl

And why is the shampoo bottled covered in Parkay?

...

This is why I can’t believe some dude jack it in the shower. I would never want to be found naked with blood running from my hand and my hand clenched to my dick.

jjfozz

I jacked it in the shower for years as a teenager. Even today, the smell of Flex shampoo gives me a chubby

Romonobyl

Could be worse, might be clenched to someone else’s dick.

Col. Duke LaCross
Doktor Zymm

Is Brock related to Erin Brockovich?

Romonobyl

If he only drinks bottled water, the answer would be yes.

Sharkbait

Doopy Pantz sighting!

Doktor Zymm

I always forget Perry Riley Jr went to the Raiders too. Between him and Amerson….the Raiders have really benefited from Chubster Gruden’s purge of Leatherface Shanahan’s team

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s been really valuable for them.

Doktor Zymm

sigh, yeah, he’s always been good.

fleshwound_NPG

oh hey, another former basketball player to add to the list, why isnt he a TE

Brocky

Brilliant bill belichik brain at work for bill o brien: wait for the other team to keep fucking up

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Mentioned a receiver used to play basketball? Drink!

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

I don’t get it. Why isn’t he a TE?

King Hippo

HOU shoulda declined the penalty and punted

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Blergh emerges from his holiday hibernation

...

Oh God. ESPN is making Brock puns.

The Maestro

THIS QB CONNOR, I SAY HIS LAST NAME’S ACTUALLY CUCK, ‘CAUSE THIS TEXANS DEFENSE IS CONTINUOUSLY FUCKING HIM OVER

Doktor Zymm

Thing I learned recently : Vin Diesel is the highest paid star in Hollywood history.
Thing I did to keep from killing myself after learning that : Had some guac and a shitty beer at work

herodotus450

And that’s not even his real name!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

BUT HE GETS FASTER AND FURIOUSER WITH EVERY MOVIE YOU GUYS JUST DONT GET IT YOU HATERS!

Brick Meathook

In 1943 the highest paid actor in Hollywood was Fred MacMurray.

jjfozz

VIn Diesel. Seriously. Vin Fucking Diesel.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Vin might fuck diesel, but I think he’s more of a premium-grade guy.

Doktor Zymm

This team has a pretty good defense! Why haven’t I seen them before? What are they called? The StarBulls or something?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You mean the Houstonian Climate-Denying Planned Parenthood-Defunding Rednecks?

Doktor Zymm

Is that what they’re called? Damn, that’s a mouthful. On the plus side for their women, their offense sucks.

jjfozz

The Redneck Horn Heads, I think

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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WCS

The rarely seen simultaneous concussion/Achilles tear.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I like to think in the commercial with the “Texans” fan trying to get the crowd to start the wave that he is just screaming at an empty stadium and the crowd and team are just figments of his imagination.

Sharkbait

Either that or it cuts to reality where he’s in a straight jacket yelling at a padded wall.

makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

Doktor Zymm

‘sup

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, yes, the Raiders defense are playing like very gentle men. Hilarious.

Spur

Folks!
What I miss?

Romonobyl

Matt Bonner retired.

Spur

The Red Rocket is joining the Spurs announcing team right?

Romonobyl

That or moar commercials for HEB with Tim Duncan.

Doktor Zymm

Sort of offenseish!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The beginning of the Connor Cook era in Oakland.

Just kidding! It’s more likely the beginning of the Connor Cook era at the Jets.

Doktor Zymm

Oh hey! I just remembered! It’s the new year, so there will be that list that people put on the internet of things people went to the hospital to have removed from various orifices!

...

With a little cooperation, we could compile a very useful list of unintended object penetration literature to read in the second half.

Doktor Zymm

I think it’s usually published on Deadspin tho, and I don’t bother anymore

Doktor Zymm

This is like the apathy bo…

WCS

meh

...

This game has enough happening in it that I’ve decided not to go read stories about accidental anal sex. But, rest assured, it’s my backup plan.

Romonobyl

“IT JUST SLIPPED…REALLY!!!”

jjfozz

“Million to one chance doc, million to one.”

Cecil Rhodes

Prepare for the aBrockalypse!

Doktor Zymm

This is an interesting game, in the sense that each team is most likely to score when the other team is on offense