Your “My Kingdom For An Adequate QB!” Raiders/Texans Wildcard Battle Open Thread

Oak/Hou– If you’re a fan of defenses making signal-callers look silly, have I got a game for you. The Raiders rook Connor Cook doesn’t have much of a CV pro-wise-in his only game he threw at a 66.7% rate with one TD and one INT. That one score was to Amari Copper though. Looking back on his career at Michigan State he seems to be a pocket guy with a fair amount of accuracy. If said pocket collapses, don’t expect him to gallivant down the field. As a junior he had his highest rushing avg. which was a paltry 1.5. His strength (aside from a massive arm) appears to be his ability to go through his reads and prevent the old “happy feet” from manifesting themselves. Recently-named All-Pros lb McKinney, lb Mercilus and combo lb/de Clowney should be able to get to Cook. Mercilus and Clowney between them had an astounding 60 pressures. The Houston D ranked 2nd in the league in pass defense and of the guys mentioned above, the oldest is 26. Further good news for them is that lt Donald Penn “Protector of the Blind Side”, has been ruled out of the game.

On t’udder side of the field is the 72 million dollar throwing disaster Brock Osweiler. Looking at the many and varied stats available for the qb position I couldn’t find Brocky occupying a position any better than 27th. I found a few that had him ranked 33rd and 34th as well. You made the right choice, Elway. Houston’s O-such as it is-scored a meager 23 TD’s all year long-that’s dead last for those that can count. Hopefully rb Miller hit the weight room hard during his two game injury absence because he’s gonna have to carry the O on his shoulders and legs-I’m sure he gets 25+ carries today. If Osweiler must go to the air he’ll be dealing with a Raiders secondary (none of whom I recognize, okay maybe Demps) that has held Stafford, Rivers, Rogers and Luck to 235 yards or less. They should get at least two picks during this tilt.

It sure looks like an old-timey ‘possession is everything-win with D-heavy on the run game-don’t turn the ball over’ sort of footballing game. Sure they’ll be some play-action heaving of the ball downfield here and there but not much.

This is our first playoff game of the new year-HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS!!!

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Doktor Zymm

Do thigh pads do anything?

theeWeeBabySeamus

No, they’re lazy and just sit there usually.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In all seriousness….the first time one is in practice without pads, and gets hit on the quads with a helmet or other hard object…?
Yes, they do something.

Unsurprised

No

JustStopDude

I love how the fact that the Browns refuse to put a quality product on the field, the Raiders somehow get credit for turning around a franchise in 10 years.

As if its fucking hard to do in the NFL.

This is the easiest fucking league in North America to turn around an organization.

Doktor Zymm

I would argue basketball is easier if you got $$$.

JustStopDude

Contracts are easy as shit for owners in the NFL to restructure.

Salary cap makes it more difficult to not have missing pieces, but a bad NFL contract isn’t going to tank a team for a decade.

Doktor Zymm

So the argument is that the NFL is shittiest for the players, so owners can be more nimble? Can’t argue with that. I guess my argument with NBA, it’s a small number of starters on the team, and they have autonomy to go wherever cause of the free agent rules, so you get a couple guys people want to play with, everyone else will come to you if you can pay em. It’s the same guys in the playoffs every year, but not always on the same team.

...

Even other sports don’t need more than four years to do a full turnaround.

JustStopDude

I loath to be one of those fans that think they know better than coaches and players…because I honestly think I don’t know better.

It is 100% certainty I would be, along with any person selected here at random, the best owner the Browns have ever had…

Unsurprised

That’s because 99/100 people are like you and would actually want to win. The current owner couldn’t care less.

Spur

Why is Mcgloin dressed if he can’t play? Your season is over if you lose. They should have pulled Cook at halftime.

JustStopDude

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herodotus450

Football in the (Mc)Gloin!
Football in the (Mc)Gloin!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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Unsurprised

The accuracy to nail such as small target cannot be overstated

Dunstan

Andy Reid thinks this Raiders drive is a little slow

Fronkenshteen

Shane Lechler: Hall of Fame?

herodotus450

There’s a special hall of fame for punters, right/?

Spanky Datass

“I vote yes! I’m so so lonely …” — Ray Guy
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herodotus450

What’s he complaining about, he can just talk to Pat Summerall’s empty bottles.

...

So I just saw a tweet from Monica Crowley, a Trump appointee and blonde terrible opinion machine, who is standing beside the Berlin Wall saying that walls work.

JustStopDude

Is it really being doomed to repeat history…if its your stated intent?

herodotus450
herodotus450

scratch that, its just some shitty cover or something. This is the authentic version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDVLMS_Yhe4

herodotus450

How many years in a row do you think the Houston’s can play a team in the first round who’s missing their starting qb and half their WRs?

Doktor Zymm

It’s almost like there are lots of good defensive players on the Texans and JJ Watt is just a creepy asshole who isn’t really that important to the team

...

But is he Clay Matthews creepy?

Doktor Zymm

Nah, Clay is the creepy winner, JJ is the asshole winner

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Dunstan

Uh oh. I sense that, somewhere in the Sports Guy Mansion, Bill Simmons is preparing a 6,000 word column on J.J. Watt and the “Ewing Theory.”

On top of the 8,000 word column he’s writing to refute those of you who suggested below that Ben Affleck has not been in good movies. AH-FLEK IS A SUPAHSTAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

...

It’s so funny to see how he’s evolved in no way whatsoever since becoming famous.

fleshwound_NPG

Fuck yea, Gruden saying it’s all about money

JustStopDude

Okay…you cannot possibly compare the first Raven’s superbowl team to these Texans.

I’m not saying the Ravens didn’t have a shit offense and a completely unqualified QB. The Ravens defense was so fucking much better in every position than this Texans team.

Shogun Marcus

Better criminals too.

JustStopDude

I can’t think of a movie that had Ben Affleck in it that I liked except that Superman movie where he gets murdered.

Sharkbait

At least the book was good?

Shogun Marcus

PHANTOMS WAS THE BOMB YO!
/had to
//actually he’s not too terrible in Kevin smith movies. Except chasing amy.

JustStopDude

Hot Teak INCOMING!!!!

I cannot stand Kevin Smith movies. The dude cannot write a realistic female character if his life depended on it. He peaked and should have stopped at “Clerks”

Just like George Lucas, Smith is completely insufferable in real life, doesn’t understand what made his movies popular, and needs a fucking editor on his films so they don’t turn into self masturbation crapfests.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

I liked “Dogma”; his head asplodes at the end.

Dunstan

Dazed and Confused

JustStopDude

Do white people really do that shit with their kids?

This could explain why y’all like to just straight up murder shit loads of people at random intervals.

Unsurprised

Yes and yes

Fronkenshteen

Boiler Room?

Unsurprised

He did a shitty Baldwin impression and the movie doesn’t stand up on its own

Redshirt

…and the Fat Lady is singing. She’s been singing since the 1st Qtr., but the Raiders keep calling out for another encore.

...

Looks like the Raiders are…

*puts on sunglasses*

…Cooked.

ballsofsteelandfury

YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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Too many of you like this Cook joke. My earlier version was far better and was only slightly more liked.

fleshwound_NPG

hahaha of course crabtree goes out and oakland gets better

fleshwound_NPG

da fuck was that dr pepper commercial

ballsofsteelandfury

I always thought that was supposed to be Prince, but he’s dead now and I’ve no idea.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Reminder from Drew’s column last week re: Connor Cook:

•Connor Cook starts for the Raiders on Saturday and it’s worth remembering that Cook fell in the draft because he big-timed Archie Griffin, and because scouts basically called him the Antichrist:

“Let’s put it this way: he’s not Kirk Cousins,” another scout said. “The person kills him. Selfish. He goes out too much. It’s a tell-tale sign when your teammates don’t like you, and I know they don’t. He’s good, but that position is more than physical attributes. It’s also leadership. Is he going to lead your guys? I don’t think so. He’ll be a starter but I don’t think he can lead you to the promised land.” Fifth-year senior from Hinckley, Ohio. Passer rating was 95.2, Wonderlic was 25. “He stinks,” a third scout said. “Wildly inaccurate (57.5% career). Average arm, average mobility, average field vision. Not a leader. Not aware. Someone will take him in the second, third or fourth round and he’s going to disappoint. The owner needs to fire the GM right after they pick him if someone takes him in the first. But when the Buffalo Bills took EJ Manuel in the first, all bets are off.”

Doktor Zymm

“He’s not Kirk Cousins”

So….good I guess?

Sigh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ve secretly replaced Connor Cook with Blake Bortles. Let’s see if anyone notices!

fleshwound_NPG

a cookdown?

a cookdown!

Sharkbait

Onside kick here right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why? It’ll be a three and out anyway.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I would love to see a huge 90+ yard pick six here.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

NOAP

Doktor Zymm

ALL THE PASSES INTERFERED WITH

Doktor Zymm

Um.. Facemask?

fleshwound_NPG

Oakland getting all the offensive PI calls that New England will not get next week

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

We can only hope.

Brocky

Ah, bill o breins true purpose

Doktor Zymm

I don’t see it. I think he just got called cause his name is Mychal

fleshwound_NPG

that one texan cheerleader was way in the background and still the camel toe was omnipresent

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cook has to be the most surprised person that Holmes caught that.

JustStopDude

We are witnessing the future of the NFL. As more and more parents come to the realization that allowing your children to play full contact sports makes you a horrific parent, the talent pool will start to drop. Eventually all the skill positions will be filled with really shitty talent.

The games are going to become more unwatchable. Eventually the NFL will turn into something like rugby. There will be a league, but it will be a fringe sport.

I’m not saying this is happening immediately, but I think in my lifetime, the NFL is going to turn into boxing…a sport that most people don’t bother to follow at all and annoying writings will write massive screeds about how it used to be such a great game.

fleshwound_NPG

3 tds against the raiders and earlier in the year, colts

it’s almost as if the texans are good against shitty defenses

ballsofsteelandfury

So, when does the other game start?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’ll know were in hell if this game loops over and over.

Shogun Marcus

Welp.

Doktor Zymm

Another advantage to not having children? Less likely to be entangled in a horrible action movie.

herodotus450

Disad: Less likely to be involved in a heartwarming holiday movie.

LemonJello

Equally likely to be involved in a heart-removing horror movie.

JustStopDude

At one point, someone has to sit Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) down and point out that he is a terrible father and husband.

fleshwound_NPG

this is almost as bad as the wildcard game when the Cardinals a few years ago had like 78 total fucking yards against the Panthers

Don T

Bill O’Brien is a goddamn whiner. Fuck him.
That is all.

Sharkbait

Chicken thighs are marinating for tika masala for the late game.

Old School Zero

I’ll take two.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

37 combined yards of offense in the whole fucking quarter? That HAS to be a (postwar?) record.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, that should make it fitty!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Raiders can’t catch a break to save their fucking lives.

Shogun Marcus

They’re gonna get a couple months break shortly.

King Hippo

Derek Carr’s fibula would beg to differ ,, imo godbless

Old School Zero

Marquette King for MVPunter

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

He’d get 3/5ths of the vote. Should be enough

herodotus450

This Marquette King, Ima call him Oedipus because he got juked so bad on that return it looked like he gouged both his eyes out.

Doktor Zymm

“You mean you aren’t even allowed to run into a BLACK kicker?!”
-Texas

Old School Zero

Perfection.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

This game is so bad, I’m more motivated to finish some accounting than continue to watch it.

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/i-got-drunk-last-night-and-decided-to-do-my-taxes-im-getting-back-4000000-22034.png

Doktor Zymm

I actually really enjoy doing my taxes.

herodotus450

Remember when Oakland traded their coach for a first round pick and a winter loss the the Patriots?

Doktor Zymm

3rd down and 1 MILLION YARDS

herodotus450

I really want McGloin to succeed so he can someday introduce himself on MNF as “Matt McGloin, son of McGroin, father of Gimli, under the Lonely Mountain.”

Mother Puncher

Anybody else giving up booze for January? On a completely unrelated note, anybody else kick a hole in the wall this morning because you spilled coffee on your pants?

...

Yes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hopefully not for all of January, but I have to be dry for a few weeks. Boooooo

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We declared that we wouldn’t buy any booze in the new year. It’s our presumption that our existing liquor collection will carry us through, and it just might.

Doktor Zymm

For lack of other peni to suck, the commentators have turned to McGloin?