Whelp, the NFL Head Coaching Carousel appears to have come to a screeching halt with Kyle Shanahan’s coronation as 49er’s head “coach”. Unless, of course, Jim Irsay reawakens from one of his quaalude-induced power naps and drops the hammer on Chuck Pagano.

So: who is going to be the albatross around your team’s neck for the next couple of seasons?

ANTHONY LYNN

TEAM: Los Angeles “Chargers”

FORMER TEAMS: Denver Broncos (Running back/Special teams assistant); San Francisco 49ers (Running back); Jacksonville Jaguars (Running backs coach); Dallas Cowboys (Running backs coach); Cleveland Browns (Running backs coach); New York Jets (Running backs coach); Buffalo Bills (Assistant head coach/Offensive coordinator/Running backs coach, Interim head coach)

SEZ HERE HE PLAYED RUNNING BACK FOR DENVER DURING THEIR TWO SHANAHAN SUPER BOWLS: Technically yes, but he had a total of two carries for two yards  during those seasons.

I THOUGHT ANY RUNNING BACK WITH TWO FUNCTIONAL LEGS COULD GAIN AT LEAST A HUNDRED YARDS RUSHING UNDER MIKE SHANAHAN?: Heartening, isn’t it?

DIDN’T HE PLAY FOR THE BEARS IN THE EARLY 2000s?: That was Anthony Thomas.

THOSE WERE SOME WEIRD DAMN YEARS FOR THE BEARS THOUGH: Seriously. “Dick Jauron, Coach of the Year”.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A DIFFERENT GUY ON A DIFFERENT TEAM?: Best get used to it, Charger Fan. You are now the Donald Sterling Clippers, the forgotten second cousin in a city that doesn’t care about you. The team who only really pops up on everyone’s radar when the owner is being a prick even by the lights of his fellow Billionaire Owner fuckheads. Enjoy your “live coverage” by Channel 32’s Chet Handjob, the halfwit nephew of the station owner who the News Director keeps sending to report on gang violence and wild fires in hopes that an “accident” might befall him.

SO WHAT IS LYNN’S APPROACH?: Scarred by years of serving under Rex Ryan in both New Jersey and Buffalo, Lynn appears to have retreated to an almost childlike simplicity in his coaching approach. He is relatively quiet, not known for being talkative or overly demonstrative. He believes in a  small, simple, straightforward playbook with the focus on perfecting those few plays. He is a massive proponent of the  Run First, Run Often, Run Always school of offensive attack, resulting in a Buffalo team that often surpassed 200 yards rushing in a game while falling short of that mark on passing yards. His offensive playbook has relatively few complex passing plays, preferring to keep vertical  routes to a minimum. On the upside, this will probably help keep the ball from going over the fence at that shoebox they are playing in for the next two years. On the downside, that unflashy ground-and-pound style probably will not play well in the City That Bullshit Built.

AND THIS GUY IS GOING TO COACH PHILLIP RIVERS?: Yeah. Because there’s nothing Rivers wants more than play out the last two years of his career handing the ball off 40 times a game and throwing seven-yard buttonhooks.

THIS IS GONNA BE A SHITSHOW, ISN’T IT?: Oh yeah. Keep an eye out for even more ripoff logo designs, because that and 3 wins are all the Chargers are gonna be good for over the next couple of years.

SEAN MCVAY

TEAM: LOS ANGELES RAMS OF ANAHEIM

FORMER TEAMS: Tampa Bay (Assistant wide receivers coach); Florida Tuskers (Tight Ends coach); Washington Redacteds (Assistant tight ends coach, tight ends coach, offensive coordinator)

FLORIDA TUSKERS?: Apparently it was a United Football League team. It operated for two years (one of them with Jay Gruden as coach), moved to Norfolk, Virginia for two years, then folded. Still, longer than Trump’s New Jersey Generals operated.

DON’T YOU USUALLY POST A MUGSHOT OF THE COACH IN EACH SEGMENT?: Here you go.

BULLSHIT. THAT’S A PICTURE OF JERRY, THE ASSISTANT SHIFT MANAGER AT MY LOCAL APPLEBEES: Actually, no. This dudebro is, in point of fact, the head coach of an NFL franchise. He was hired at 30, beating out Lane Kiffin and making him the youngest head coach ever. He does, however, insist that his offensive linemen wear at 30 pieces of flair…

THE LANE KIFFIN COMPARISON DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER: Nor should it. To paraphrase Lewis Black, the Raiders stood up and shouted “I have a terrible idea!” and the Rams leaped up and exclaimed “And I can make it even shittier!”

OK, SO SERIOUSLY-IS THERE ANY GOOD NEWS?: Couple of things actually do suggest he might not be a hilariously tragic failure. First, he is widely given credit for turning Kirk ‘Fuck You, Old Man‘ Cousins into something resembling a quarterback worthy of the franchise tag. That alone is a hell of a feat. Also, he is the grandson of John McVay, who was GM and similar for the 49ers during their glory run.

ISN’T THIS TAKING THE “COACH’S SON” TROPE A LITTLE FAR?: Probably.

WHAT KIND OF COACH WILL HE BE: No clue. He doesn’t really have a track record sufficient to perform even the half-assed looksee that I laughingly call an evaluation. During the three years he was offensive coordinator in Washington, the numbers suggest that he favors passing over rushing. However, according to the Washington Post, The Redacteds appear to have used a playcall-by-committee approach, with Gruden picking the passing plays, Bill Callahan picking the run plays, and McVay relaying them to Kirk Cousins. So even more than is normally the case, we have no idea what is attributable to the coordinator.

SO IF NO ONE KNOWS WHAT KIND OF PLAYCALLER HE IS AND HE WAS COACHING WITH TRAINING WHEELS ON, WHY WOULD THE RAMS WANT TO GO SO FAR OUT ON A LIMB HIRING A YOUNG GUY?: Perhaps you’ve heard of Kevin Demoff and Stan Kroenke. They have their heads so far up their asses that they take their morning coffee via enema. Still, in a land that worships youth and beauty,the Rams appear to have fully embraced a Young Team approach. Even at (now) 31, McVay is still older than any of the players currently on the Rams roster. All in all, I can’t help but think of the old and late-middle-aged executives of a staid  industrial powerhouse handing millions of marketing dollars to a Young Thinkfluencer Who Can Really Speak To Today’s Youth in hopes that he will magically convince teens and twenty-somethings that Gold Bond Medicated Powder is what they really need to Kick the Beats when they are at The Raves.

KYLE FUCKING SHANAHAN

TEAM: Vaguely Bay Area 49ers

FORMER TEAMS: Washington Redacteds (Lucky Sperm); Cleveland Browns (Offensive offensive coordinaor); Atlanta Falcons (Weak Link).

IS THIS ALL JUST ANGER THAT HE KILLED SO MANY CHANCES TO PUT THE PATRIOTS AWAY THAT HE MIGHT BE A GOVERNMENT OPERATIVE?: No. He’s also an insufferable dipshit that reminds me so much of George W that I want to throttle him. Barry Switzer is credited with the saying “Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.” W. and Shanny Jr. are walking advertisements for inheritance taxes and anti-nepotism agreements.

BUT HE DID A GOOD JOB WITH THE FALCONS: Did he though? He presided over a mediocre-or-worse offense in 2015, and was gifted an improved and healthy offensive line, the receiving tandem of Julio Jones and [CENSORED BY HOMELAND SECURITY] Sanu, and two pretty good running backs. I’m not going to say a trained monkey with a Microsoft Surface could have run the offense as well. I’m just saying that the drop-off may not be noticeable for a couple of games.

SO, FIRST TIME HEAD COACH WITH A MIXED RECORD- I’M GLAD HE HAS AN EXPERIENCED ORGANIZATION AROUND HIM: Yeah, you’re thinking of the Eddie DeBartolo Niners. The York 49ers continue to behave like Dan Snyder running a Silicon Valley tech company. They hired John Lynch as general manager, despite his never ever having the least experience in the front office. The good news is that Lynch is not so punch-drunk from concussions that he trusts the organization, making his acceptance of the job contingent on them being able to not leak  the information for several days. Further down the food-chain, the Niners are apparently eschewing the “outdated paradigm” of having an offensive coordinator, allowing the 37 year-old to be both head coach and run the offense. Instead of a coordinator, he has hired a “Run Game Specialist”, a 33 year-old Yalie named Mike McDaniel. The defensive coordinator, Robert Saleh, is a relatively ancient 38. The only person over 45 that I can see on their staff is 51 year-old Jon Embree, tight ends coach and assistant head coach. If the name sounds familiar, he’s the one who finished the public execution Dan Hawkins started at the University of Colorado, going 4-21 in almost two seasons. So yeah- they’ve really surrounded Shanahan with a steady support system.

IS HIS WIFE AT LEAST PRETTY?: By some lights. But she’s got the Crazy Eyes.

Seriously. Look at the poor children. The boy looks deeply worried, and the little girl is mentally measuring whether she can get away if she makes a break for the door.

WAIT, JOHN LYNCH WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE LACK OF INFORMATION SECURITY AND THEY HIRED SHANAHAN?:

Right? In one of the underreported stories of the Super Bowl, Shanahan allegedly lost his backpack for several hours on the first night of Super Bowl Week. In addition to $30,000 worth of game tickets (which I assume was about four seats), the backpack contained HIS IPAD THAT HAD THE FALCONS GAMEPLAN ON IT! I mean, Jesus Fuck, the Patriots have the best SigInt department this side of Russia, and have consistently demonstrated that they will steal ANYTHING that might give them an advantage, especially in the Super Bowl. No need to gift-wrap it for them. I don’t understand how the Falcons didn’t have this double-encrypted and guarded like the Nuclear Launch Codes. Or at least how they used to be guarded. Nevermind. Allegedly, the backpack looked similar to one carried by a San Francisco Examiner columnist, who returned it to Shanahan after realizing he had “accidentally” swiped the gameplan that Darth Hoodie would pay handsomely to obtain. I, for one, suspect a Ocean’s Eleven-style plot.