CHRIS HARRISON: Good evening, and welcome to a very special episode of The Bachelor. I’m your host, Chris Harrison, and thank you for tuning in to see if some lucky lads and ladies can find love.

And our contestants are very lucky indeed, as they will be vying for the love, affection, and services of a renaissance man who not only is a millionaire, but has also been an actor, a chocolatier, an avid outdoorsman, a mentor to young men of less means, a competitive gamer, a fishmonger, a nude model, a brand cultivator and ambassador, and, as you may recall, a professional athlete.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

MARSHAWN LYNCH: Fo sho’, I did all that, but now I’m thinking about coming out of retirement, and those teams don’t have to just show me the green, they have to show me some love. As you know, I’m just ‘bout that action, boss.

CH: And tonight, in a television first, tonight we will be airing the pursuit of this very eligible bachelor by 28 NFL Franchises.

:whispers into lapel mic: Come on, he’s not coming back for one of the teams he’s already played on, and the Browns got lost on the way to the studio.  The who? Shut up.

CH: Anyway, Marshawn, thank you for joining us, and a special thanks to DeMaurice Smith and Troy Vincent for allowing the NFL to clear 85% of the profits from tonight’s episode.

ML: I’m thankful.

CH: Anything else you want to say to the viewers at home?

ML: I’m thankful.

CH: How about the contestants you’re about to meet?

ML: I’m thankful. 

CH: Yeah. Here’s how this is going to work: we will bring out a GM for a romantic five minute date where you will get to know each other and you will decide whether or not you are interested in becoming a part of that franchise’s family.

ML: Well, I can tell you right now the following fools can go home: Mike Maccagnan, Ozzie Newsome, Mike Brown…

MIKE BROWN: Oh thank goodness, I can take this back to my bed with me:

ML: When it comes to cash,I’m going to get mine more than I get got. Back to the GMs I had to RIP, Kevin Colbert, David Caldwell, Jon Robinson, John Dorsey, any fucking Spanos that bothered to take a break from shitting on the people of San Diego to show up here, Jerry Jones: mad respect, yo, but I am NOT mentoring or sitting behind a domestic abuser. Gotta treat the ladies right.

Jerry Jones: FUCK YOU, I NEED A NEW GODDAMN STAR! Jerry Richardson says you can’t be trusted anyway, I’m going to go scout Christian McCaffrey and go find a few new private plane guests from Lot B YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

ML: Fuck that guy. Where was I? Oh yeah, who else can go the fuck home. Howie Roseman, whatever dumbass is stupid enough to succeed Scot McCloughan, Ryan Pace, Bob Quinn, Ted Thompson…

CH: You wouldn’t welcome a chance to play with Aaron Rodgers?

ML: Ain’t no way in hell I’m going to ride another bike around any of y’all up in Wisconsin.

Another video of Marshawn Lynch doon Paisley High Street playing chicken with buses ?? video courtesy of @jobbyweecher pic.twitter.com/3kxPBUcEOG

— Steff CSL RSC (@Steff_James84) January 17, 2017

ML: It’s also a big fat no to Rick Spielman, Dave Gettleman, Les Snead, John Lynch…

JOHN LYNCH: HEY! I’m building a winner in Santa Clara! Don’t you want to be a part of that? Also, you could french fry cottage cheese zumba purple before you retire.

ML: Your head is so fucked up from CTE that you must have forgot who your quarterback is. In case any of the also rans are wondering why they’re going home rose-less, if your quarterback is atrocious, it’s cold as shit in your city, or your owner is a racist, Beastmode ain’t playing that. Give roses and Skittles to the rest of those fools and let’s move the fuck on.

CH: So who does that leave us with, Beastmode?

ML: I could be down with the Cardinals, the Colts, the Broncos, the Giants, the Falcons, the Saints, the Bucs, the Raiders, and the Dolphins even though TannyFanny sucks, cause it’s Miami. I’m never the only one grabbing my ding-ding sauce when I’m in Miami.  Oh, and the Patriots are still here so that we can all keep an eye on Belichick.

BILL BELICHICK: :grumble grumble: I know which eye I’m going for with Gwen Harrison tonight :grumble grumble:

CH: Hey, we’re not even together anymore, go after someone else.

BB: :grumble grumble: Marybeth it is :grumble grumble:

CH: What?

BB: /pulls up hoodie

This isn’t better than AP, I’m out of here.

/PORTAL TO HELL OPENS

ML: More Skittles for me.

CH: Alright, contestant number one, why are you the perfect match for our bachelor?

STEVE KEIM: Marshawn, you are an incredible talent with a foul mouth and lot of personality, and that is fan-fucking-tastic for what Bruce Arians and I are building. You want to grab your junk when you score, go right ahead. You want to call someone a dumb motherfucker and have us not give a shit? Totally cool.  You want to wear some dumb ass hats? We have twelve of them in every locker.  But most importantly, we recognize that you’re not a kid anymore, and we are committed to building a community for mature players like yourself to keep contributing through the end of their careers. Come join us, and we can win a Super Bowl, or just lay by the pool in our hats.

CH: Thanks, Steve, our bachelor will let you know.  Next up is Chris Ballard.

CHRIS BALLARD: Beastmode, we need you. Our quarterback is a literal monster, yet we have no running game to speak of and can’t come in second in a division that includes the Jets. To show you our love, we thought we’d take you on a date where your future teammate will read his favorite books to you.

/BOOK FLIES OPEN

HODOR: HODOR!

ML: /Pelts him with Skittles until he runs toward the slowly closing door…

H: HODOR!

ML: Does that fool Chris Ballard even know the Colts left the AFC East years ago? Hell, I don’t want to live on gravy anyway.

CH: Moving right along, the Broncos would like to take you for a romantic horseback ride on the beach. But why is there only one horse?

/STABLE FLIES OPEN

JOHN ELWAY: GIDDYUP, MARSHAWN!  The Broncos are a contender today, and we believe that we can win without super stars. Except for Von Miller. And maybe you.

ML: Who’s your quarterback this season?

JE: Probably Trevor Siemian or Paxton Lynch.

ML: Get the fuck out.

JE: Fair enough. HIGH-HO, ME, AWAY!

CH: Sorry about that, Marshawn, I think some folks were still holding out some hope for Romo there, or maybe even a return to Denver for Jay Cutler.

BOTH: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

CH: Let’s see what the Giants have to offer.

JERRY REESE: Marshawn, let’s have a seat over here.

JR: Isn’t this romantic? We have prepared a five course meal consisting of nothing but Skittles and other products you have publicly stated your affection for or endorsed. The Giants are used to coddling our stars, and you’d be no different. As long as you don’t touch the juice box rations, you will have full run of the house. Make it quake!

ML: This is some bullshit, these grillz are made of wax!

ML: I don’t know about this, New York is pretty cold, and this shit ain’t helping. Chris, bring out the next fools, all at once.

THOMAS DIMITROFF, MICKEY LOOMIS, JASON LICHT, CHRIS GRIER: [UNINTELLIGBLE YELLING AT THE SAME TIME]

ML: Why hasn’t this cat said anything?

REGGIE MCKENZIE: Don’t need to. Two words for you, Marshawn: Vegas, baby.

Our own Beerguyrob had more actual details on the Beastmode to the Raiders process in last night’s open thread here. For help identifying which of the above phrases is a direct Marshawn Lynch quote, click here and watch old episodes of Conan.