Horatio’s Bigger, Stupider & More Revised 2017 Mock Draft & Open Thread!

As you may recall about a month ago I put together a somewhat researched mock draft, doing the best I could with several hours of research and writing and stuff.  It was actually a fair amount of work and gave me a new appreciation for all the work that the people who regula…

Ah, fuck, who am I kidding?  It did take me a long time to write, but that’s only because there are 32 teams and even putting 5-10 minutes of work into each team, (which is a pretty fucking generous estimate if I’m being honest), that adds up.  Mock drafts are ridiculous.  No one who does one has any idea of what they’re doing and if you get 20% of the picks right you’re a goddamn legend.  However, this is ostensibly an NFL-oriented blog and if we’re going to pretend to be that then we have to have a mock draft and not only that but we have to revise the goddamn thing, preferably several times.  Since none of you assholes submitted your own mock drafts, and since I’m writing this two days before the actual draft, I guess two versions will have to do.

By the way, my estimated time to get this revision done?  40 minutes.  Let’s see Mel Kiper do that!  Please, follow along with the draft in the comments, make fun of my bone-head picks, (hint:  there are 31 of them), and see how I do compared to Mel, Todd, PK and everyone else who gets paid to do this shit.  My guess is I hold my own and, again, 40 minutes.  Go!

  1.  Cleveland Browns:  Myles Garret.  Status:  Unchanged.  This is the one pick I would bet money on.  And expect to win.  As anyone who’s played in the DFO poker room with me will attest, I’ll bet money on pretty much anything.
  2. San Francisco 49ers:  Solomon Thomas.  Status:  Changed!  Everything I’ve seen lately shows the QB prospects plunging, with Watson, the previous choice here, falling into the mid-teens.  Part of me still thinks that QB whisperer Kyle Shanahan will want to take Watson or Trubisky here but a bigger part of me has been persuaded that the 49ers will take Thomas here, grab a QB like Kizer early in the second round, tank the season and come back with a top 4 pick next season, (and maybe Kirk Cousins), and see what they can do.
  3. Chicago Bears:  Mitchell Trubisky.  Status:  Unchanged.  I have almost no confidence in this pick.  As noted above the QBs have been plunging in the mock drafts and everyone seems to realize that Trubisky only started 13 games in college and that that’s not a lot to go on.  Countering this, however, is that the Bears are run by 10,000 chimps banging away at 10,000 typewriters and Trubisky just seems like the kind of typo they’d come up with.  Also with the Bears having Mike Glennon and with Trubisky needing time to develop he is perfect for a team trying to tank the season and get another high pick next year and then teaming him up with a more seasoned Trubisky.  Seems like a very Chicago thing to do in that it’s technically illegal and probably won’t work.  So I’m sticking with Mitch and his melanin deficiency.  Just ask Jared Goff about how much a lack of melanin helps an unprepared QB’s draft stock.
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Leonard Fournette.  Status:  Changed!  I thought Fournette was a possibility here back in March and since then Jonathan Allen, who I had going here, has started to slip some because he didn’t do well at the combine and concerns about his undergoing shoulder surgery.  The combine is bullshit and most people who’ve played football to age 21 probably need some kind of surgery but if you’re the Jaguars and you can either take a guy who bombed the combine and needs a new shoulder or get a beast of a RB, especially after seeing what Zeke did for the Cowboys last year, I’m going to guess they take Fournette.  But I won’t be surprised if they take Allen.  In fact I won’t be surprised if I get all of these wrong except Garret!
  5. Tennessee Titans:  Mike Williams.  Status:  Unchanged.  Lately I’m seeing (I saw this once) OJ Howard going here and I had the Titans taking him at 18 in the first version of this little opus.  He now seems unlikely to be there at 18 but I don’t see the Titans taking him at 5.  They could trade down from 5 to try to get him at 10-15 but if I start trying to predict trades I’m going to go insane.  Fuck that.  Also   Tennessee has a good D, a good RB, a decent QB, a good TE and shit WR.  Williams just makes too much sense here.
  6. New York Jets:  Marshon Lattimore.  Status:  Unchanged.  A lot of people, PK among them, have the Jets either trading down to get OJ Howard or DeShaun Watson or outright drafting Howard right here.  I think the latter more likely than the former, simply because the Jets fans will undoubtedly flash back to Kyle Brady and all get PTSD, which would be awesome.  But if Lattimore’s still here, (the Bears may very well fuck me on this one), I can’t see the Jets and their dumpster fire of a secondary passing on him.  There’s also talk about the Jets drafting Trubisky here or trading up to get him, but I still think they’re more likely to throw money at Cutler, just because that seems like the most Jets thing to do.
  7. Los Angeles Chargers: Malik Hooker.  Status: Changed!  I had the Chargers taking Thomas here but I just gave him to the 49ers so that’s out.  It’s really a numbers game; a significant majority of people have the Chargers taking Hooker, I gave him some consideration in the first version and if Thomas isn’t there I see no good reason, (except Jonathan Allen), not to pick him here.
  8. Carolina Panthers:  Christian McCaffrey.  Status:  Changed! A word or two about McCaffrey.  He is rocketing up draft boards.  To me he is the classic guy who was great in college and is not going to be at all great in the pros.  Could I be wrong?  YES!  MORE THAN LIKELY!!  But I still think Carolina will regret not taking Jonathan Allen here and that drafting the second coming of Toby Gerhart will ensure them of little more than drafting in the Top 10 again next year.
  9. Cincinnati Bengals: Corey Davis.  Status:  Unchanged.  This is another pick that I have little confidence in.  Fun fact, the Bengals mock drafts are some of the most hilariously delusional drafts out there.  They make sensible first picks like OJ Howard, or even Jonathan Allen but the second round pick is inevitably someone who has plunged 20 places for no reason at all other than that the Bengals fan doing the mock draft desperately wants him on their team.  So yeah, this pick is probably wrong but it’s infinitely more accurate than what your average Bengals fan thinks is going to happen in Round 2.
  10. Buffalo Bills:  DeShaun Watson.  Status:  Changed.  I feel kind of bad because I agree with Mel Kiper here.  Nonetheless it does seem likely that Watson is going to fall but he is not going to fall past Buffalo.  Which is too bad because I think he may be the best QB prospect of the 4 I’m aware of and Buffalo will end him before he can even get going.
  11. New Orleans Saints:  Jonathan Allen.  Status.  Changed.  Derek Barnett seems like a very good pick but Jonathan Allen is plummeting since Version 1.0 and I suspect that his plunge lands hard on Bourbon Street.  Which could be a lot worse for Allen.  Look who’s up next!
  12. Cleveland Browns: OJ Howard.  Status: Changed!  Because I was sort of joking about Cook and his past is apparently raising some concerns, enough that his draft position is best represented by that plane you see up above.  Because the Browns don’t have a good QB, (and I don’t see Trubisky or Watson falling this far), and if you don’t have a good QB you can help an average QB get better with an elite TE and Howard has been shooting up draft boards because everyone thinks he will be an elite TE.  Note that this also seems like the most-likely-to-be-traded pick.
  13. Arizona Cardinals: Derek Barnett.  Status:  Changed!  Because Brian Kelly killed DeShone Kizer’s reputation, apparently no longer satisfied with just killing student assistants.  With Kizer now almost guaranteed to fall into the second round, (and if he does, hello Cleveland!), the Cardinals seem more likely to focus on their defensive needs and Barnett does that nicely. I considered Reuben Foster here too, (in the revised version), but then I heard he had a diluted drug sample in addition to throwing a shit-fit at the combine, and that seems like something that should drop you in the draft, and is something that Barnett has not done.  Yet.
  14. Philadelphia Eagles: Haason Reddick, LB Temple.  Status:  Changed! In the interest of full disclosure I had initially changed this pick to Gareon Conely, the CB from Ohio State who had been getting a lot of great press and was moving up the draft boards.  But then on Wednesday, while ensconced in the men’s room with nothing but my thoughts and the NY Times sports section for company I also learned that Conley has gotten a smidgen of bad press.  As in “being investigated in connection with a rape” bad press.  I don’t see how a prospect survives that and stays in the first round.  Of course it probably means that the Cowboys will sign him as a free agent so, hurray? Apparently the Eagles fans will riot in happiness if this “Local Boy Makes Good Story” happens, so that’s something to look forward to.  I mean, they’re going to riot anyway; might as well do it out of joy rather than rage.
  15. Indianapolis Colts:Reuben Foster.  Status:  Changed!   If there’s one person who needs a good linebacker and doesn’t give a shit about random outbursts and diluted drug tests it’s Jim Irsay.
  16. Baltimore Ravens: Takkarist McKinley.  Status:  Changed!  Because I shipped Foster off to Indianapolis and they still need to think about replacing Suggs, and because even though Dalvin Cook would probably be a good fit on the Ravens there is no way in hell the Ravens are going to draft a RB with off-field issues this high.  Janay Rice apologizes for her role in that decision.
  17. Washington Redacteds: Jamal Adams.  Status:  Changed!  I seem to have switched Adams with Hooker, who I had the Redacteds drafting here, and since they’re both highly rated safeties I guess Adams will go here.  Good a reason as any other.
  18. Tennessee Titans: Quincy Wilson.  Status:  Changed!  Because Howard’s gone, because the Titan’s need a CB more than they need David Njoku and because Wilson’s the best CB still on the board, according to people who know these things.
  19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dalvin Cook.  Status:  Changed!  Because the Buccaneers could use a good RB, because Cook is a very good RB and because Tampa Bay clearly doesn’t give a shit about Florida State stars having off-field issues.
  20. Denver Broncos:  Ryan Ramczyk.  Status: Unchanged.  No change here but a word about Christian McCaffrey.  He seems to be rocketing up draft boards, to the point that people don’t think he’ll be around when Denver picks, because if he is John Elway will say “Well, we both went to Stanford and his Dad was good so he must be too” and take him here.  To me McCaffrey is the classic guy who was great in college and is not going to be at all great in the pros.  Could I be wrong?  YES!  McCaffrey will be long gone before Denver picks and the team that gets him can brag about having the next Toby Gerhart all the way to a Top 5 pick in next year’s draft.
  21. Detroit Lions: Taco Charlton.  Status:  Unchanged.  Most drafts I’ve seen have Charlton going before this.  If he’s still around here the Lions would be stupid to let him drop any farther.  So yeah, they’ll draft John Ross.
  22. Miami Dolphins:  Davd Njoku.  Status:  Unchanged.  I liked him here in Version 1.0, I haven’t seen much about him moving up and I therefore see no reason to change the pick.  Also I am lazy.
  23. New York Giants:  Garrett Bolles.  Status:  Changed!  The Giants still need help on the line if Eli isn’t going to beat his brother’s record for surgeries.  I had the Giants taking Cam Robinson here but Bolles is getting a lot of good press lately and Robinson doesn’t seem to be.
  24. Oakland Raiders: Jabril Peppers.  Status:  Changed!  I think the Raiders could probably use a DE like Harris here more, as in Version 1.0 but based on past experience with the Raiders all things being equal they can’t resist names and speed and Peppers has both.  He may not have a position but surely Oakland can figure something out for him.
  25. Houston Texans: Pat Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech.  Status:  Changed!  The Texans undoubtedly need a QB of the future and while I kind of doubt Mahomes is  going to be that there is simply too much chatter about him lately for me to keep thinking he’s getting past Houston.  It’s probably wishful thinking on their part and they may come to regret it but I don’t think they’ll be able to resist.
  26. Seattle Seahawks: Cam Robinson.  Status:  Changed!  If the Texans actually take Mahomes and pass on Robinson Pete Carroll’s ejaculate will melt steel beams.  The Seahawks desperately need O-line help and Robinson fits that need very well.  Brush up on your conspiracy theories Cam!
  27. Kansas City Chiefs: Zach Cunningham.  Status:  Unchanged.  It’s between Cunngham and Florida’s Jarrod Davis at this point in this no-doubt-shitshow-of-a-mock-draft and I put Cunningham here last time and can’t think of any good reason to change him out.
  28. Dallas Cowboys:  Charles Harris.  Status:  Changed!  Thanks to me assigning Peppers to Oakland Harris has managed to fall to the Cowboys and I am pleased to announce that they no longer have to take a(nother) extremely questionable guy to get the pass rusher they so obviously need.  Welcome aboard Charles, and please don’t kill any hookers. (They’ll still take Williams in the second round)
  29. Green Bay Packers: Marlon Humphrey.  Status:  Changed!  The domino theory at work.  The Browns take Howard, screwing the Titans.  The Titans take Wilson, screwing the Packers.  The Packers take Humphrey, and are probably still pretty happy.  Everyone likes a good screwing.
  30. Pittsburgh Steelers:  Jarrad Davis.  Status:  Unchanged.  Davis is still around and the Steelers love linebackers, and happen to need one.  Done and done.
  31. Atlanta Falcons: Malik McDowell, DT, Michigan State.  Status:  Changed! A lot of drafts have the Falcons taking TJ Watt here but I will be goddamned if I give another Watt a first round pedestal to talk about their humility and stunning work ethic.  McDowell’s got some character issues but with some people saying he’d be the second pick overall without them.  Since he’s apparently just “lazy” and doesn’t practice hard, (also a little heavy on the melanin ifyouknowwhatimean), and hasn’t actually killed anyone I say the Falcons would be nuts not to take him at 31.
  32. New Orleans SaintsObi Melinfowu.  Status:  Unchanged.  I have no idea who the Saints will pick.  People seem to have calmed down about Obi blowing up the combine but the Saints still need defense so unless they trade this pick to the Patriots in some bizarre deal for Malcolm Butler then I’ll stick with my first choice.

Please enjoy the draft.  I look forward to my well-deserved humiliation and your just-as-certain understanding and sympathy.

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Unsurprised

I’m putting my money on Pam Grier. That white girl is more fucked than a sorority pledge thrown to the animals in a Pike house.

Beerguyrob

That’s the smartest move I’ve seen all night.

Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

The inventor of the turtleneck deserves a medal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Oh, God, why?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Browns are like Treehouse of Horror where they meet the wizard who tells them everything is cursed.

“To start off your franchise, you will have picks in the top 3 your first three seasons!”
“That’s good”
“The picks will all be gone in five years and never make a pro-bowl or be All-NFL”
“That’s bad”

“You will draft the offspring of arguably the greatest tight end of his era, Kellen Winslow!”
“That’s good!”
“He will snap his fibula two games into his career, and then miss the next season after fucking around on a motorcycle.”
“That’s bad”

“You will draft a no-bullshit, eventual Hall of Fame left tackle, who will be the first offensive lineman to be named to Pro Bowls in his first ten seasons!”
“That’s good!”
“The team will go 48-112 in those ten seasons.”
“I’m done with this shit.”

Senor Weaselo

Does anyone contain potassium benzoate?

Unsurprised

The Cuyahoga River

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Why are we alt right when it feels alt wrong?”

Brocky

This Mitch Trubisky trade right here i call David Lynch’s Dune because it is simultaneously intriguing and dumb.

Brocky

c’mon, moose, defend 1984’s Dune.

you know you want too…

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_XH7Dn3kp9g/UkyWpaL5TQI/AAAAAAACE8Q/XYVRoqA2bVo/s1600/sting+dune.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

I feel 50% of people liked exactly 50% of it.

hence it being my go to metaphor for mixed feelings.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Really?? I pretty sure it come out +49% to -51%. No one who looks at the data disputes this.

Unsurprised

Is this the kid from Everybody Hates Chris on Brockmire?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OT BABY, OT!!! YEAH!!!!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

What a world. My plan for this weekend is attending a volunteer orientation to learn how to scoop up cat shit.

My brother is in the motherfucking Bahamas photographing swimsuit models.

Unsurprised

I edited it because I hate you.

litre_cola

If you are helping shelters, you are a better person.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Holy shit that is a LOT of hype and hyperbole for 1.89% of your final roster with no experience.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

On the other hand, it is 2.22% of your active game day roster, assuming they start, so…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, yeah, there’s that.
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litre_cola

The Beach futbol world cup is on. It is strangely addictive.

Beerguyrob

The Italians 7th goal was ridiculous.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I. SAID. REDICULOUS!!

Unsurprised

I’m disappointed Tennessee didn’t take Garett Bolles.

WCS
Unsurprised

Fantastic movie.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

everybody better be ready 2 chop wood ,, no days off !

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Has anyone watched Brockmire? Otherwise, I’m just going to watch Fargo and pass out.

Unsurprised

That just earned a hearty GUFFAW from me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My friend Keisuke is on that show! He plays the translator.

makeitsnowondem

I’m really glad no one took Mixon and I hope that keeps happening.

litre_cola

Yes. Sadly you know he will get scooped up with a team who doesn’t care, or 2nd chances blah blah blah. What do they think the kid will do once he gets money? Tone it down? no.

Unsurprised

Hire goons to punch people for him?

Beerguyrob

It’s the personal touch which shows you care.

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Unsurprised

You can’t put a price on good customer service.

King Hippo

Even on talent, he ain’t a 1st rounder. I like Perine better, he’s not a sociopath and he’s mocked in the 4th…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Watch the Raiders take him in the second.

King Hippo

On one hand, one thinks drafting a possible rapist is icky. On the other…letting Jerral get another free 1st round pick sucks out loud, so HUZZAH for running the lie detector test, Raiders…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

So now that we know he isnt going to Houston where does Jay the Cat play next year?

Unsurprised

I hear there’s a lovely island off Japan where he can spend the rest of his days with others of his kind, relatively unmolested but well-fed by idiot tourists.
https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/2015/03/a-visit-to-aoshima-a-cat-island-in-japan/386647/

King Hippo

My only solace? NAWT Bears, Chefs, or Stillers.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I remember back when the first round took 8 fucking hours because 15 minutes was deemed necessary between picks.

My favorite from that era was when the Vikings were going to pick 7th in 2003, and had to pass because a trade fell through. Then the Jaguars and Panthers sprinted up and made picks before the Vikes finally took Kevin Williams.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

SEA has two 2nd-round and four 3rd-round picks. I is a happy Beastmode.

King Hippo

That is exactly what you want. Rounds 2 and 3 this draft are gold mine(s).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Fuck everything. I hope the world explodes.

/HAS BEEN DRINKING

litre_cola

Just saw a commercial for high diving on the CBC. That is my tax money at work!

Unsurprised

You say it like it’s a bad investment. Those divers perform better in flight than these pieces of shit.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

As I always say, if you have an opportunity to draft JJ Watt’s brother even though he probably sucks, you should absolutely do it and then not expect to learn from that lesson ever.

Beerguyrob

As proven by the Carr brothers!

Romonobyl

Soooo…Cleveland?

Beerguyrob

The Seahawks are trying to keep me from finishing the series. Now I hafta watch tomorrow night as well?!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

SEA hates day 1 of the draft. They think it’s a government conspiracy.

Beerguyrob

“Only the Lizard people draft on the first day!”

Unsurprised

Now I’m conflicted. On one hand, fuck Goodell. On the other, fuck Philly.

Where’s my earth-shattering goddamn meteor?

King Hippo

NINE!!!!! Not only is he 25 and shitty, he also made a goddamned 9 on the wonderlic. Which means his lips move when he reads the menu at McDonald’s…

…sorry FOAR delay, this refers to Denver’s horrid pick at #20

litre_cola

The gentleman from John Smith country?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

I’m sure Khalil Mack will take that into account, and not do anything complicated that might confuse him ,, smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

“Wow, that’s really imp… impress… that’s really good!” -Morris Claiborne

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Still a better actor than most.

litre_cola

I think the NFL isnt reaching its full potential. 7 rounds 7 nights!

Senor Weaselo

They said they only had enough #content for one night, but in a miracle of miracles, the #content lasted seven nights.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Even we think that’s overkill.

–The Maccabbees

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah I lost track of him after American Idol

ballsofsteelandfury

As if the Steelers weren’t hateable enough already…

WCS

What. The. Shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

If Goodell walks away without being hit by a battery, then the terrorists have truly won.

Beerguyrob

That’s why the stage is high on the steps – no one in Philly has an arm that good. Otherwise, they’d be playing for the Phillies.

Romonobyl

I’ve never that euphemism for masturbation before.

Senor Weaselo

Explosives inside the posts?

Unsurprised

Good God, I hope so.

LeighAnne

Is there Malort involved?

WCS

AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Goodell would love to use this opportunity to annouce that the Rooney Rule died with its namesake.

Romonobyl

What a horrible week!
First I get my damn ear tattooed, then my 56th cousin dies in a Chicago airport warehouse…
Now this?!?!?!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t you mean Ted Rooney?

WCS

Franco’s going to end this speech by saying JoePa was innocent.

Unsurprised

Francisco Franco: No Longer Dead?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I find it funny how even with all the layoffs, ESPN is now really promoting that show with Jemele Hill and Michael Smith. Holy smokes, is it awful.

It’s an odd mix of people they shitcanned, ranging from dead air (read Danny Kanell, Trent Dilfer) to people who are actually really good (Jayson Stark, Ed Werder).

Honestly, there is very little redeeming about that network outside of live TV.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well, I read PTI’s ratings are down 16% from a year ago, so it’s a shitty lead-in even before content quality.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And they seem to think cutting online regional bloggers is the way to cut costs.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Looks like SEA traded to… Niners??? Oh, that is not acceptable.

Beerguyrob

If the Cubs winning the Series didn’t end the planet, the Browns exhibiting competency won’t.

Besides, President 9-iron will find a way to do that before long.

LeighAnne

Sashi Brown: “Have they run out of mediocre quarterbacks? Okay, let’s take a tight end.”

WCS

Oh, good. A first-round tight end out of Miami. This will work out great for Cleveland.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Eh, he was just hanging around there.

Unsurprised

Wait. Who drafted Hernandez?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is fucking great.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

In light of the recent ESPN layoffs, and seeing lots of people lose their jobs, “I thought, man, it really stinks that some people are rooting for certain people to lose their jobs.”

Then I remember how happy I was when Gawker ended, and I just jerked off.

LeighAnne

While the site was down, the Raiders selected a player with some…um…possible issues. So it’s maybe for the best the site was down.

litre_cola

What kind of issues?

Unsurprised

Battered, waterlogged SI from the 70s.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I’m guessing SEA selects a receiver they then convert to guard….

Beerguyrob

I’mma steal that for my stories.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just popped open a bomber of tricerahops and haven’t been able to forget the McCaskeys yet.