Your “You Idiot – You Proved You’re Replaceable!” Monday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • In a move destined to cause no social media ruffles at all, the Seahawks signed Austin Davis to compete for a backup QB position.
    • If I had to guess, and I am, Kaep not wanting to drop his salary down to backup & Hawks salary-cap levels also played a role
      • but it’s clearly his knee, AMIRITE?!
  • Elvis Dumervil is signing with the 49ers.
    • If you’re scoring at home, that’s the first former teammate GM John Lynch has signed.
      • Warren Sapp is still waiting for the beep.
  • The Ravens signed Brandon Boykin.
    • in related Ramadan #MAGA news, they also signed Al-Hajj Shabazz and released veteran defensive back Kyle Arrington.
  • Them Ryan boys are at it again! Somebody lipped off at them at a Nashville “Margaritaville” prior to Game-3 on Saturday, and people had to be separated.

Finally – ESPN’s caved into the Trump administration & is bringing back Hank Williams Jr.!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8LLKO0-PAE

That’ll fix ratings. Don’t bother scheduling better contests or anything.


Many thanks to the fine folks who replaced me last week. You sure learn your relative lack of worth to an organization when the people who volunteer to substitute for you bring a better version of your product to the game. I will need to rely on that type of support at the end of the month, when I hopefully don’t get blown up attending the Adele concert at Wembley with the missus.

To answer the question no one particularly asked, I was getting corrective surgery to repair muscle damage caused by three separate rectal abscess removals. It’s a delicate process, undertaken by highly trained professionals who chose to specialize in this sort of thing.

Visual approximation.

They actually didn’t have to do as much as they feared, although they did find another, which might have been the actual source of the ongoing problems. Most importantly, they didn’t find any tumours, which they figured they’d look for since I was under general anesthetic. Because since I was already there…

Early results show I am again a real boy, and I have been successfully weaned off the Oxy I was prescribed for the pain. (I’m keeping the leftover Tramadols for recreational purposes.)


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Game 4: Pens at Preds – 8:00Pm | NBC / CBC / Sportsnet
  • Beisbol:
    • MLB:
      • Nationals at Dodgers – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN
      • Blue Jays at A’s – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • NCAA:
      • NCAA Baseball Tournament – 7:00PM | ESPN2, ESPNU
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • the fallout from “Extreme Rules”, which I will be begging Fozz to provide a “Boots on the Ground” review for.

BACK IN THE (metaphorical) SADDLE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Nashville Bachelorette Party Participant: Rex Ryan Said I Have ‘Nice Feet’…Said ‘You Know What I Like’

Rex is more shameless around feet than I am around men with big dicks and mommy issues!

Senor Weaselo

Nice of Charles Barkley to come watch a competitive series.

WCS

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WCS

The end of the second…

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Unsurprised

These scenes are unwatchable upon subsequent attempts.

...

I’m going to Cubs-Marlins Wednesday and I’ll be annoyed if I don’t see Ichiro hit.

The Maestro

I haven’t seen this many catfish thrown around on one night since Twitter exploded with Lennay Kekua GIFs that one time…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Guess what Bure got for this? Nothing, not even an elbowing penalty. Fuck I love 90s hockey. WHAMMO!

https://youtu.be/-ZCuZ5UWEV0?t=34s

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The extra ‘n’ in her name is for ‘no longer employed’.

Nice to see Leah Remini post Xenu.

King Hippo

Christ!! Charles Barkley looks like he’s packing several hundred catfish up his arse. How is he still mobile without a scooter of some varietal??

Unsurprised

The suit is actually reinforced power armor. Same deal Whitlock and half of Fox News has.

...

Barkley’s descent in to full-on deranged curmudgeon is kinda sad.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

See, this is why I love human error in sports!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmEtDX41qSM

King Hippo

After further review, it counts because fuck the Blackhawks.

King Hippo

Holy shitsnacks, the Ice Stillers might blow this motherfucker!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Bill Maher looks like a dad who tries to fuck his son’s girlfriends in their vacation home boathouse and fails each time.

King Hippo

replace what I said before, banner THIS one!!!

110% true. Slimy self-satisfied fuckwit. Die in a fire already.

Shogun Marcus

The only thing he lands is coulter. And that’s too horrible to contemplate.

King Hippo

If they ever managed to breed, their spawn would hopefully kill itself in utero.

Unsurprised

O/U on number of Ann Coulter abortions. My guess is 3

King Hippo

Do morning-after pills count? Then definitely over!

Unsurprised

Those are supercharged birth control pills, which I already assume she takes for the estrogen boost. Every little bit helps. Ppl forget that,,

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Maybe they should put a wall around her vagina! Her new book, “Adios Labia!”

Unsurprised

Buddy’s on fire.

Coincidentally, that’s what would happen if Pence or Putin ever conquer Canada.

Brick Meathook

Zero. Ann Coulter is a drag queen.

Unsurprised

I’m 100% certain she was considered the hot one in her law school class and totally fucked the judge she clerked for.

...

Your reminder to google “I fucked Ann Coulter in the ass, hard.”

Unsurprised

The closing line is equivalent to Moby Dick’s opening line.

King Hippo

at least we finished up losing before 10 EST. I can half-assed watch ice footy and fall asleep

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s a nice goal.

Senor Weaselo

Wait, they can do that?

WCS

They usually wait until there’s a whistle to check a goal. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard them blow the horn to halt play before.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I think it was changed as an option for the people monitoring back after the ’96 season, after a goal was scored by Rangers/Canucks but not called a goal, then like 3+ minutes of uninterupted play, then the other team scored a goal and they had to add 3 minutes back on and it was a 2 goal swing. I forgot who scored first and who got fucked.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

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“Bonsoir, mes amis!

I just heard that Donald Trump recently reneged on an deal in Paris! I’d say that was shameful, but I remember being 19 and someone wanted to stick fromage up my bum for 40 Francs. I took the money and ran, frankly I didn’t need that in my Arc de Triomphe!

Buddy was sad to hear that child rapist and murderer Karla Homolka was allowed to volunteer at her’s children’s school! The school is Seventh Day Adventist, and I agree with their philosophy. For one day a week, I only masturbate to her chocolate stud husband! What can I say, I am woke. And oh my, is she looking terrible, I guess that plea deal included jowls! Oh sorry for that, I mean le jowls, she is in Quebec after all! And her ex-husband is scheduled for parole! Paul is so pathetic, even the gays think he’s prison bitch material. That bouffant haircut is a life sentence in and of itself!

I was sad to hear Kevin Pillar call a pitcher a ‘faggot’ but honestly, I haven’t seen a grown man that upset over balls since Kevin Spacey tried to teabag Alan Arkin in his sleep. Mmmm, I always wondered about a porn based on that movie, GlenHarry Men Toss!
‘There are new wads, these are the GlennHarry wads, and to you they’re gold!’

‘The wads are weak!’
‘The wads are weak? Fucking wads are weak! I could go out there tonight with the hands you got, and get $15,000 in wads. Tonight! In two hours! Can you?’

Finally, Kathy Griffin apologized to Donald Trump, saying ‘he broke me’. It’s quite a feat because breaking Raggedy Ann dolls is hard! I know, I tried to make a merkin out of one in the late 70s. My cock looked like Beaker from the Muppets!

Well au revoir DFOers. Stay campy and Quentin Crisp bless you all!”

ballsofsteelandfury

Buddy, you are an International Treasure!

King Hippo

GlenHarry Men Toss!

Christ and sonny Jeebus, if that don’t merit a banner, I dunno what do!

Unsurprised

You’re the best, Buddy.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Thank you! Poor Karla’s face is melting, but given her history she knows all about that.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

There have been some really bad announcer being forced to read a promo script for an upcoming movies before, that one for “The Mummy” might be the worst. “Tom Cruise stars in a story that has been regarded as one of the greatest stories in history. It is revered in all countries and cultures. See him in The Mummy”. I might have actually cleaned it up and made it less awful.

Unsurprised

Wow. Props to whomever read that script and didn’t immediately kill himself or just start talking crazy shit about how stupid that sounds.

Shilling seems exhausting to me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If the trailer doesn’t contain the word “cromulent”, we riot!!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Well fuck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just a reminder….DON’T drink from Rob’s ass.
ppl forget that.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

They better not call this back.

Senor Weaselo

I was starting to get worried, all those shots without goals was going to lead to the inevitable Pens cheapie. But no!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

WHY ARE YOU COVERING YOUR TESTICLES, YOU IDIOT?

Senor Weaselo

Because what’s more important?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Honestly, if you think there’s some practical value in getting in his way like that (there isn’t) then you should show him your back.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If someone did that just throw it at the side of his head closer to the goal as hard as you can, possibly give him a concussion and watch the ball go out for another throw in 15 yards downfield.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I know this is a repeat; but there is a lesson to be learned here.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

RELATED; ICE CREAM TRUCK WARS!!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A lesson in flashing to steam.
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WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Brass Bonanza… on organ? But they’re not the Carolina Hurricanes!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Maestro

Glad to hear the shitrockets can blast off at full force again, Rob.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

This explains why I hear so much jet noise in my apartment now!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We really have to get you out of there.

WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

They could’ve just ask Huckabee’s large son what happens when you drag a dog to death.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
WCS

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

I am tired of Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals being all merde. I’m sure you all agree.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

“Not enough of a bat flip.” -Jose Bautista

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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You think that guy is still alive? What about the guy in the GIF?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
herodotus450

Uhh I ordered emphysema, not Zima.

ballsofsteelandfury

Glad to hear your ass is all good, Rob!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am rooting for this

http://i.imgur.com/oLhqfOt.gif

Senor Weaselo
Unsurprised

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WCS

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Rob’s favorite football player?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As long as everyone’s already talking about Rob’s butt (seamless transition, nailed it), I wanted to share this amazingly disturbing twitter feed brought to my attention by makeitsnow liking one of their tweets: https://twitter.com/darkstockphotos

Unsurprised

It’s impressive. I just did an out-loud OMG at the first fucking image I saw.

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WCS

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Unsurprised

No beer until you finish all your lines, young man!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*Zima

FTFY

Unsurprised

I stand corrected.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How did you get a picture of my friend from college?

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Sorry, my mistake, couldn’t be her. I see no cigarettes or marijuana anywhere in that picture.

Unsurprised

This could be any parent I have ever met.

Unsurprised

This one’s funny.

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Unsurprised

Current mood.

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WCS

You’re pretty hot, unsurprised.

Unsurprised

My boobs are bigger than hers.

The Maestro

Is Chloe Grace Moretz 18 yet? Or do I still legally have to feel icky about this?

Unsurprised

She’s 20

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Unsurprised

Is this the Cromartie or John Henry build?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I love that you know that show, if you are seriously asking it is actually from Raising Hope.

Unsurprised

I figured, but I liked the image of a terminator trying to get on a horse better.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
WCS

Glad your butt is fine, Rob.

http://i.imgur.com/CRyfGZ2.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Edit: Never mind. I could find a working embed of the video but you already fixed the picture

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[looks around for this so-called “fine butt”]

– Aaron Rodgers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Beerguyrob’s operation (artist’s conception)

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/but seriously, very happy to have you back.

Unsurprised

Ha ha. He said “butt seriously”