Tonight’s episode:
BAKER’S DOZEN
It was a fresh crisp evening in the Pacific Northwest. The hipsters were riding their bikes to the food truck farm alongside the river while vaping their legal weed. Off in the distance, a distinct roar of a crowd could be heard as a piece of Tall Timber (get it?) scored.
Much closer, the tattoo and piercing shops were reopening after the now traditional Spanish Siesta. In a sleepy little neighborhood in a sleepy little house, a man had just opened his window sill and put out a pie to cool.
He turned back towards the oven and placed the next delightful dish inside and adjusted the timer. Just as he was about to hit START, his cell buzzed with a text.
He didn’t recognize the number.
Old School Zero: Who the hell lives in the 415 area code?!?
The text was a YouTube link. Out of morbid curiosity, he clicked on it.
OSZ: That’s really weird. How did this person know I was making a cherry pie?
He quickly forgot about the text and set the timer for the next dessert. Another text buzzed in.
OSZ: Shit! I forgot the sugar on top of the crème brûlée!
He quickly pulls out the ramekins and adds the last piece to his masterpiece.
OSZ: WAIT A SECOND!
He hurries to the cabinet.
OSZ: I almost forgot my special ingredient!
The phone buzzes one more time. This time, it’s a picture.
OSZ: OH. MY. GOD. I totally forgot about the coffee! I need to get to the fair trade coffee bar before they close!
He quickly runs to his bedroom, puts on his bicycle shorts, and heads for the garage. He puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and pedals the four miles to Java Dabba Doo.
Ebony, the white Irish barista, greets him at the door.
Ebony: Hi OSZ! What can I do for you?
OSZ: Hi Ebs! I need some medium roast Guatemalan beans, please! I’ve got a pie in the oven and the coffee would go great with it!
Ebony: Oh yeah? Is your pie as moist and sweet as mine?
OSZ: Oh, Ebs, I know you’re a terrific baker!
Ebony: Mine’s ready to eat. Want some?
OSZ: Golly, that’d be swell, but I gotta get back. I’ve got a crème brûlée I don’t want to burn!
Ebony: When are you going to let me have your special ingredient???
OSZ: Oh, I don’t know. It’s pretty special…
Ebony: But I want my pie to have your special ingredient!
OSZ (laughing): Silly girl! Don’t you know you just can’t spread the secret ingredient on everything?
Ebony: Trust me. It will work.
OSZ: Well, maybe next time. Gotta go!
Ebony: Bye, OSZ!
He exits the shop, gets on his bike and rides off.
Ebony (sighing): Man, I should have never left the Bay Area.
Ebony goes into the back room and masturbates furiously. After she comes, she puts her panties back on and starts glazing the donuts.
Le Fin
This motherfucker defeated Rule 34.
I’m still not sure why he biked halfway across the city if not for Ebony.
Glad this serial is not based in northern Florida.
Somehow this story is more disturbing than the one about Horatio.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–qtOEYjc9–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/x0re97it2449729c4ea9.gif
Speaking of thick gooey substances some people can’t stop guzzling, I’m off to Indianapolis.
http://images.thehollywoodgossip.com/iu/s–OhKDcygR–/t_full/f_auto,fl_lossy,q_75/v1400716327/escalator-fail.gif
And with those links, New School Zero delayed himself from a terrible fate. It’s still gonna happen, just slightly later.
/Checks out the pie in the oven
I did a spit take. This is perfect.
Java Dabba Doo’s understaffing and presumed lack of cameras proves that it is a money laundering front. So there; I’m a stuffy dude who’s definitely NAWT tingled by Ebony’s flirtatious assaults.
http://images.thehollywoodgossip.com/iu/s–WHAvnch7–/t_slideshow/f_auto,fl_lossy,q_75/v1400715116/chair-dancing-fail.gif
Based on the title, I thought these were supposed to be fiction.
http://images.thehollywoodgossip.com/iu/s–8zwEPatx–/t_slideshow/f_auto,fl_lossy,q_75/v1400714855/blender-selfie-fail.gif