So, my wife is away on a business trip this weekend.
Normally, in the past this would have meant hitting the town with the boys & kicking up a fuss, then crawling out of the cab about 2:00AM & seeing what kind of mess the dogs made.
But the sad part about approaching 50 is that the boys don’t want to tear it up like they used to, and the things they want to do don’t roll with the new sensibilities. We’re too old for “the club”, and none of us know any cougar bars because we’re all (reasonably) happily married. Some will want to go hit the strip club, but of the three available one is too high end (Brandis), one is being used (the No.5) (again) for “Deadpool 2” scenes, and the last time I was in the third place (the Penthouse), one of my former students was up on stage, so I had to leave until she was done. Plus, one or two fellows will have a curfew, either self- or wife-imposed, meaning guys drinking (& complaining about) $5 Cokes while staring at their watches.
Plus, it’s the start of the goddamned fireworks festival, which means a half-million people are going to stream into downtown and I gotta make sure the puppy doesn’t piss all over the floor. (BTW, have fun living in the West End, Wakezilla!)
As such, I have chosen the boring way out, and will sell beer at the stadium, retreat to my home, and mix JD into a 40 oz. Coke Slurpee and watch all three “Lord of the Rings” movies again, because I fucking can. Or, time permitting, I will walk the dogs down to the local bar & catch the end of the Jones-Cormier fight.
Tonight’s sports:
- CFL:
- Argonauts vs. Roughriders – 6:30 PM | TSN
- Tiger-Cats vs. Stampeders – 9:30 PM | TSN
- Futbol:
- International Champions Cup Soccer:
- Real Madrid vs. FC Barcelona – 8:00 PM | ESPN / ESPN2
- MLS:
- Whitecaps at FC Dallas – 8:00 PM | TSN2
- Sounders at Galaxy – 10:00 PM | ESPN / ESPN2
- International Champions Cup Soccer:
- UFC:
- Prelims: Cormier vs. Jones 2 – 8:00 PM | FXX / TSN5
- MLB:
- Reds at Marlins – 7:00 PM | FS1
- Royals at Red Sox – 7:00 PM | Sportsnet
I REGRET NOTHING!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjeq3NYUw2M
“This has never happened! Just give me a minute.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo
Doggies up 19 at Three Quarter TIme
Brick is erect.
That is an interesting turn of phrase in the construction industry…..
tWBS is at full semi.
HELL YEAH
Fuck. Cormier got tko’d if anyone cares.
He was winning through two rounds, right up until Jones kicked the fuck out of his face.
Jones was much classier in victory than I expected, so there’s that.
I fucking jinxed him. About a minute into the third I said to myself, “This is good…he’s up two and Jones doesn’t have the power to put him out unless he just happens to lands a clean head kick.”
And yeah, Jones was cool after the fight. They never should have put DC on mic after getting rocked like that. He had no fucking clue what happened to him and was completely overwhelmed by it. Shitbags at Bleacher Report are already mocking him for crying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgk7MXWQOAM
Funny, I tend to fart after I hit the ground too.
So on our anniversary weekend, I’ve been gif’d (courtesy of Unsurprised) and apparently have my first ever banner quote. I don’t have a printer so I’m gonna bungee my computer to my fridge door when I get home from work.
Well, that was a fun 25 minutes of completely unsuccessful takedown attempts.
— Roddy Piper’s ghost
— post-Ape KSK’s ghost
Doggies still up 5 at Half Time.
Doggies suck.
– Cats
Those were the days…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S65jqrHQi_c
Where’s the “THANKS OBAMA!” caption?
totes obvs
Dumb kids with your camera phones and your rock n roll music.
Fucking mutant piranha DNA ….
I still prefer the end of Final Destination 2
Twitter recently reminding me of the happy child gangbang scene from IT makes me wonder again why Steven King isn’t in jail. Some things I’m happy I read while I was still a child.
[Immediately loads Netflix]
Great AFL game happening now between Essendon and Western! Doggies by 5 at Quarter Time.
Bad friend. You know I need sleep for… I assume something.
Hell yes! I opened the stream with about 7 minutes left in the 1st Q and the Doggies have been scoring ever since.
/might be in Bourble
Can only watch 30 seconds of this girl/girl show at a time. It’s written like porn, acted like porn, lit like porn, but then no actual porn.
cleanup takes a while, huh?
And I have to make sure my notes are clear otherwise hhow am I supposed to understand this classically dense porn-like plot
Mr. ballsofsteelandfury’s avatar with the new “member” icon below it makes Golden Girl look like she’s about to get a bright green butt plug.
Ha ha, it really does!
Yes, I giggled.
Padre Weaselo: “Senor’s not home?”
Me (who has been home for a solid half-hour after a performance and is on the couch): “I’m right here!”
/Newark joke
If he would have responded “Like I said…..”
/yay
//hehehehe
And also….SECAUCUS!!!!!
Why the fuck is there a recap of Shark Week on right after all the events of Shark Week?
So I had an incident with a co-worker earlier this week. We got new cubicals 2 weeks ago, which are much bigger, nicer and don’t look like they’re from the early 70’s. The only problem is the top panel is plexiglass and I feel like we’re awkwardly starring at each other all day.
I put something up on my side to make it feel like the co-worker behind was drilling holes in the back of my head. He didn’t like the way it looked on his side, so I took it down and found something better after a few days. I wouldn’t say it looked great, but that wasn’t the point of it.
On Wednesday, our GM showed up and the first thing he did was come straight to me while I was eating lunch at my desk and said he didn’t like it, but never told me to take it down. So I didn’t.
My co-worker showed up right after that, starts making a big deal about it, and says the GM told me to take it down, mixed with some veiled threats. I don’t respond well to that, so I calmly told him I had work to do and ignored him. He came back twice more after that doing the same thing.
As I was leaving for the day, he got up in my face about it. I again, calmly told him I wasn’t going to take it down unless there was a reason together my management. I also said that I feel like he was going on a power trip that he couldn’t afford and had he actually asked me like a person, I probably would have done it. “Either way, I’m going home. Have a good night.”
As I’m walking away I heard him tear it down.
There was an email about office guidelines the next day, so I didn’t put it back up, as much as I wanted to. I did tell his boss about it though. I guess he REALLY wants to stare at the back of my head. After I get back from my trip to the East Coast next week, I’m going to look into some hazy/foggy stickers to put up instead and can’t wait to see how crazy he gets then.
Definitely need a sticker of this
http://www.okdiveshop.com/image/cache/data/Lives%20A%20beach%20Then%20You%20Dive-600×600.jpg
Seems to be more than a wall hanging dispute going on in his head.
I got a title change and a small promotion about a month ago. It’s not like he was in the running for it (different department) but he’s been weirder than usual since.
Sounds like he’s upset all those blowjobs were for nothing
Put up an HRTN poster.
Say “Oook you, motherfucker!”
Then kick him in the nuts.
Then maybe update your resume just in case.
In the good news today I found out my mom put a few government bonds away in our names. And my dad just found them in a random folder. So $350 that will just go to groceries and booze
Fuck groceries. Only booze.
I at least need a chaser and something to blow my nose into
Come on in; the water is great!
There is a show on amazon about a herd of sexy lesbians who just have sex with other lesbians, why was this not brought to my attention yesterday?
It’s called Girl/Girl Scene, the amazon page really does look like a porn site preview page. Or at least, it looks like what I’ve heard them described to look like. Of course.
You cannot just say that without mentioning the show’s name!
I concur.
goddamnit, why did I go and give my kids access to my amazon account!
Just tell them directly not to watch it. That works with kids right?
No, I want to watch it without…you know…
You don’t have to watch it at the same time…..
Well there is a second season, who knows what might happen in it…
Wikipedia say THREE seasons/23 epidodes!
Hmmm, on my amazon there is a “Browsing History” option near the top that looks promising.
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE SHOW???
I edited it in the first post, might have to refresh the page if it’s not there. And I don’t have time to type it again here.
weird that I had to refresh to see it. Thanks!
Fucking perverts.
/totally hasn’t searched for this show
//shut up
damned Amazon and their hard to clear (at least I don’t see how) search history…
Well, put a pillow on your lap then.
That reminds me of a good description of Room in Rome (Netflix). Two lesbians in a hotel room fuck, Bing about sex, and fuck some more for 90 minutes.
Is this an ad for Young Republicans?
This could be because I was raised in a stanch Catholic family but I have never understood the draw of strip clubs.
I mean I’ve been to a bunch over the years. When I was in the navy, especially stationed near Charleston, I got drag to Southern Belle all the time. It just seemed really depressing and expensive every fucking time.
And there is ALWAYS one shithead in every crew that swears he and some random stripper have a connections and he needs to borrow money from everyone else.
I have managed to avoid them sans one time. I drove 13 (I don’t know the rest of the hours, 3 days) hours through the desert that day to drop my bro’s dog off. I told him I wanted to go to bed and he dragged me to one an hour away in car of course. Hated it so much.
I fully agree with you, and in my case at least, it definitely doesn’t have anything to do with religious upbringing.
Jeebus, that should be my headstone when I die.
/doesn’t want a headstone when he dies
Mine also has war strategies in place of abandonment issues.
I’m not much of a fan myself and I believe I’ve only been in 5 ever.
My favorite story was getting black out drunk on Bourbon Street and then waking up in one as the only person in the entire place, seated right at the stage, with the performer starring right at me. I don’t usually carry cash, and the only thing in my wallet was a 10,000 yen bill from my trip to Japan that I’d kept for about 5 years.
“What the hell is this?”
“[Slurring] It’s worth about 10 bucks. [Heads for the exit]”
I still don’t know how I found my way back to my room.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/310612.A_Confederacy_of_Dunces
One night I (apparently) saw, walked past, stopped examined the Ignatius statue, started blabbering loudly about the book and walked off when the local constabulary came by and have no recollection of such. This was just before a three day hangover.
Woah. 10,000 Yen was about a hundred bucks or a nice dinner for two (off the base) with much booze when I was stationed in Japan (Early ’90s).
No handjob?
Nah, sexy stuff came (PHRASING!) later depending on the mood/drunkeness of my date, not the wait-staff at the Japanese steakhouse. Some mild frottage was the norm at the table though, it was Japan after all.
I was just going with a bad stereotype joke…. but now I’m somehow disappointed
I appreciated the joke and doubled-down with the frottage humoUr. Good times.
That part worked for me…. wait…..
My mistake. 1,000 yen.
That is the amusement for me is watching guys fall for the stripper’s smile. While there I try to joke with them, because sometimes that job has to be fucking terrible. Agreed though; it is just a weird vibe. Plus I don’t care for Bob Seger at all.
One exception was in NOLA (nuf said) and the “private” dance turn into an impromptu finger blasting, which wasn’t not on the regular menu, enough that another dancer came over and stopped us. As with all my nights in the Crescent City, that was a weird one.
Yes, I washed my hands twice or three times.
As the Baby said; nothing to do with religion. Although at about four in the morning I did see some things that were not there.
This is the appeal of strip clubs. Nights like that happen. Not everywhere and not all the time, but they happen.
Some strippers take it as a challenge to make you cum.
At the time it didn’t seem liked she really cared if I did.
She was probably proud of herself.
Nah, it got busted up before she did either. But maybe…. I left at that point.
That’s a myth.
Strippers (and chicks in general for that matter) don’t make you cum….
I MAKE ME CUM!!!!
(and yes, I have faked it…no that’s not a joke)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljM56g4FKs4
They’re not really my thing. I’ve always preferred to spend my money knowing I might actually take someone home. The only club I’ve been to since moving to Tampa was back in 02 or 03. Guy I worked with used to bounce at a club so he was always wanting everyone to go. We all headed out after a 2nd shift one night. I got a dance from a drunk stripper who kept yapping about her kids. Then, much like your story Moose, she started going to town on herself, three knuckles deep. And then, with no warning whatsoever, she jammed her fingers into my mouth. Guess who got his first HIV test done the next day?
Please tell me you’re telling the truth. I’ve been laughing for like two minutes.
Not quite the glazed doughnut story, but damn close.
Not sure if you were asking me or moose. In my case, yes, it’s absolutely true. Well, maybe not the next day part, but very, very shortly after.
I would have also been OK with it if she did her own fingering, she didn’t have a story other than where she was from…. just seemed horny I guess.
There used to be a famous strip club in LA called Bob’s Classy Lady.
I’ve only been to one, and they didn’t even go beyond lingerie, and it was for weird reasons. I.e. I was a bystander. I have never understood the appeal, but more than anything else I have never had (at least in my mind) nor wanted to spend the money. If I were to spend money on anything, it would be for actual sex and not simply arousal.
That doesn’t sound like you can even call it a strip club.
Well, shit my hamper and call me Najeh, but let me play the contrarian and say I sometimes quite enjoy it. Because I can sit next to a beautiful woman (after lots of sifting) and have her pretend to find me interesting.
That is much, much better than the guaranteed outcome of the real world.
I haven’t gone because, and I swear this is my reasoning, “Gotta get the first pair by your own merits.” I’m not sure if this is a noble reason, a stupid reason, or both.
It’s stupid reasoning. Besides, your own merits earned you the money you spent on them, so that counts.
I used to feel that way too. But then I kind of let loose and managed to have fun a few times. These days I am back to where I was, which seems to be exactly where you are.
I am dog and cat sitting through tomorrow morning. Both animals seem very intent on aggressively licking my face at every moment, which is getting in the way of my drinking.
Share some of your friend’s liquor with the animals.
Sigh. The peanut butter goes on…wait, why am I explaining this to you?
Yogurt works t…… never mind.
Awwww, give ’em a break. I felt the same way when I was in your presence.
Yeah, but that never got in the way of my drinking.
Mine either.
😛
Ummmm exactly where is your face?
Follow-up; exactly how big are these animals?
I’d like to trick her card!
MOAR!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrNUiF6t_KI
Jeff Sessions’s favorite new band!
First murder; wrong shovel, bad technique, poor location.
“Rookie mistake, she’ll learn. Perhaps she might help me with these parcels?”
– Ted B., Olympia, WA
She is emotionally involved and angry; always bad for murderin’.
“Girls ,, amirite??”
John W.G., Jr., Norwood Park, IL
John; never marry a “Black Widow” type of killer.
Our Equine Lord and Saviour is dating again??
He wishes he was banging Emily…..
Huh. I guess I’m dead. I’ll be honest, this was NOT the vision I expected was going to greet me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CYkZcPYXQI
Who else assumed Jaguaras doing something good referred to the Mexican fútbol team?
At least Mexicans can spell correctly.
Citation needed.
http://www.citationmachine.net/
Found it.
To be fair, “correctly” isn’t difficult to spell.
Let’s see ’em spell “sesquipedalian”.
Go ahead, look it up….you’ll laugh.
There was appreciation for TWOD classic goodness earlier, here’s the new stuff all caught in mah brainspace…
am I just living in the space between
the beauty and the pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvmEYgFsgyg
That god-awful song that you love. Me? I’m going Foghat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcCNcgoyG_0
Funny you mention it; by far the worst concert I have ever seen.
I helped my dad buy a new computer today, it is actually pretty great and he bought a 27″ monitor that was also great. I helped him set it up and get it up an running so good day.
My problems
/ He wanted it now so he ordered it for in store pickup, from a store I had no idea where it was. Took me a half hour each way plus 45 minutes trying to find it at the exit it was at.
// He has to reinstall everything, but won’t just let me do it. I have to sit over his shoulder and dictate where to click. I say “It’s right there in the bottom left corner” and his cursor goes right
/// He fucking won’t let me set up a dual monitor set up with his other 20″+ screen. This last one offends me.
I think he’s right in insisting on going through the process of setting everything up, but I sympathize in terms of the second monitor.
That second one is my problem. I am fine with walking him through every step if I could have the keyboard like 20% of the time.
“It says here ‘HP wants you to give you all of your info'”
“Unclick that box and move on”
“I don’t know… I think I should leave it clicked”
“Regardless of the laws now if you do this they will know everything you do”
“… ok, ok, fine, don’t be a dick”
/next window of install
“It says here ‘HP wants you to give you all of your info again'”
“Unclick that box and move on”
“I don’t know… I think I should leave it clicked”
“I fucking hate you”
How the hell does a man go about changing his avatar these days?
I had to go through gravatar
Yeah, no luck with that so far.
Ditto.
But it’s not terribly user friendly.
I will take this secret to the gravatar.
Let a woman do it.
– D. Trump
Hey Hippo, you’ll get a kick out of this….
A friend sent me a link which I needed to sign onto facebook to view. Against my better judgement, I did so. What’s the first thing that hit me in the face?
Dozens of pictures of Evan Roberts’ dumbass kid’s birthday party. I shit you not…dozens. FFS.
Looks like I didn’t burn my bridges completely enough.
I’m tempted to make a snide remark about not giving a shit about his idiot kid turning 3, or the kid’s idiot dad thinking anyone would care. Instead, I’ll probably just unfriend. But wow, am I tempted.
What a fucking tool.
(kid is an ugly little fucker too)
LMAO
I was hoping Jeff had “liked” it…but no such luck.
Oh well, I’m not drunk yet so I won’t fuck with him.
Did you guys know Bill Paxton was dead?
Wow I’ve been a clueless douchnozzle for the past 7 months.
(shut up balls, don’t even say it)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j89mqdV0M-4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45QJiADwGhE
He’ll always be the guy taking 3 boner pills a day in “Big Love” to me, by gum
It’s always about pills with you.
Jeebus.
The guy knows his business.
u noe it! Big Love is an underrated HBO series plus Jeanne Tripplehorn can fucking GET IT.
I’d go full-on fundamentalist Mormon for Ginnifer Goodwin too.
http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/350444/slide_350444_3762129_free.jpg
I’d have a little trouble not showing some favoritism to that particular sister wife.
We posted approximately eleventy billion gifs in our state of grief. That’s ok, I like beer too.
I’m calling it now: There will not be a better catch this NFL season than the one that just happened in the Roughriders/Argonauts game.
Someone please gif that. A backhanded TD grab. Damn!
A Miracle on Christmas Lake is “Field of Dreams” written by Stomping Tom Connors.
Hey, is this where we go to complain about Seamus and the sexy Friday stuff?
/ducks
No. That’s over breakfast in Sunday Gravy.
“Horatio is back at the pond enticing us with bread? Cover your butthole.”
-Ducks
Every Labour Day I run off to Ottawa and we do a live draft and then an auction
1997: Tons of snorty stuff and weed and hard liquor, followed by a trip to a bar
2016: Some nice steaks, some prawns, double-stuffed baked potatoes, red wine and some micro beer
Conclusion: Getting older/slowing down does have its advantages
“Tons of snorty stuff”
Snuff, right? You darn Canadians and your British heritage!
Spirit animal!! I been going to Northern Virginia every Labour Day for an auction (I finally quit doing the draft part because my brain is jello after a 4.5-hr drive and 3.5-hr auction).
I don’t even drive up the night before for strippers and booze no more. I usually stick to coffee instead of beer for the auction itself, too.
PIPE DREAM ALERT!
One day we should meet up and watch Cuse and NC State go at it on the court
I refuse to fly now but perhaps Seamus could split driving shifts with mah cracker ass!
I ain’t splitting shifts with your narco ass.
But I’ll make the drive while you nod off if you’d like.
sheeeeit, you should see how bad I drive fully sober. You want me mellowed out a little. But hey, you wanna volunteer drive all the way to WNY, ok by me! Nods WOO!!
I’ve made that drive more than you know.
Piece o’ cake. If’n we don’t make it in under 9 hours, you get your money back.
*Not including delays around DC beltway. That’s fucking insane these days if you don’t time it right.
Not me! Wife’s friends from Denver are in town and they just want to get high and go party. So we’re gonna blaze up, pocket some edibles, take them to dinner, and light rail the 89 degree night away.
I’m even taking a nap to prep!
Also, I’m looking to escape reality for a bit after spending $900 on a chest and clock at the vintage store today.
how was your LA trip, btw?
We did the VIP ticket for Universal Studios so I thoroughly enjoyed that (even though the light show was broke so we missed that). The ramen was also top notch. The rest was sort of just poor planning at its finest — plus we saw they tore down where the Face Off lab (at least the exterior shot). Also good – the sushi.
But we only had about a 25 min delay at LAX which, to the girl waiting at the bar in her third hour, I guess is a pretty good thing.
In all, would go again with better planning and less driving requirements.