Your “Multiple Games = Multiple Disappointments” Thursday Evening Open Thread

NFL Notes:

  • The pre-season schedule begins in earnest tonight, with 7 games, “highlighted” by a game of musical QB chairs in Chicago between the Bears & Broncos.
    • Elway could come out of the box & be as effective. Hell – mid-stroke Kubiak would be better than most of what we’ll see tonight.
  • Ooh – look who’s friends again?!
    • The Dongslinger was speaking at a Green Bay charity dinner, and had a fair bit to say – positively – about #12 and his desire to keep playing until he’s 40 & for the Packers.
      • I’m sure no teeth were ground about how that’s what someone else wanted too, but the team totes let that unknown person down, so then he was all “Jets 4 Life!” before **record scratch** “LOLs – Vikings, bitches!”
  • Speaking of the Packers have decided to call one of their defensive packages “Nitro”, which will allow Clay Matthews more freedom to hunt his targets. I can’t wait to see the others, especially, “Gemini”, “Blaze” and “Lazer”.

  

      The resemblance is uncanny.

  • In an ultimate show of pointlessness, the Rams & Chargers held a joint practice where – SURPRISE! – fights broke out.
    • But, GRIT!

Finally, talk of “collusion” in the Kaepernick unemployment saga is getting louder. Forbes is the latest mainstream outlet to question why no one has hired someone with better 2016 numbers than 3/4 of the free agent signings at that position. CBS has an article on its sports website detailing the various theories behind who is doing what to keep Kaep benched.

  • The change.org petition threatening to boycott the NFL over this has reached 130,000 “signatures”.
    • Mind you, the petition to force Trump to release his tax returns has over 439,000 signatures, and I believe he totally did.
      • So I’m sure Roger Goodell is quaking in his Oxfords over this one.
  • Bleacher Report says that #2 on the Dolphins wish list was Christian Ponder. Kaepernick wasn’t even an option.
  • It’s gotten to the point that even lickspittles like Florio are noticing the changes in verbiage Roger Goodell is using when asked the inevitable questions at every presser.
    • Prior to August, his tone was about how each organization does what they can to “improve their team”.
    • This month, the tone now is about decisions are about “what’s in the best interest of their team”.

Any real noise will be made during the regular season, when – not if – someone high-profile goes down and Kaep doesn’t get a call.


So, a box was delivered to my door yesterday afternoon.

SQUEE! It actually means the season is actually almost here.

It contained the usual minimalist provisions for a >10 year season ticket holder:

Still, it’s nice to see what my $2350 CDN gets me:

  • two ticket books
  • a fan guide / new stadium rules guidebook
  • a team portrait in a delightful tube the puppy will enjoy chewing on.

One possible improvement spotted in the fan guide: the Seahawks have apparently brought the food & beverage operations in-house.

Hopefully, this means fewer cold hot-offerings, and an actual way to complain – versus the old response of “Charity volunteers.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  LOL!” I’m just hoping they keep the delicious beer selections they introduced last season, to offset the #UpForEverything taps at every station.


Game preview: Broncos at Bears

Oof. If you thought last night’s QB feeling out / discovery process was rough, tonight is going to be probably more painful. The Broncos starting three of

  • Trevor Siemian,
  • Paxton Lynch &
  • Chad “Not Jim” Kelly

look like Staubach & Grogan (or Elway & Kubiak) compared to the Bears tranquilizing threesome of

  • Mike Glennon
  • Mark Sanchez
  • Mitch Trubisky

The best receiver on both teams could end up being some kid in the fourth row of the end zone, who will no doubt be the beneficiary of some hilarious overthrows.

Although neither team’s fan site wanted to really pump the tires on this game, I’m still thanking the Mile High Report & the Windy City Gridiron for sharing their paucity of interest in this game.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Broncos at Bears – 8:00PM | NFL Network
  • CFL:
    • Eskimos vs. Redblacks – 7:30PM | TSN
  • Baseball:
    • MLB:
      • Yankees at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Little League Baseball:
      • Mid-Atlantic Regional semifinal – 7:00PM | ESPN
      • West Regional semifinal – 9:00PM | ESPN

I think – and this is just me – it might be preferable to view tonight not as Broncos versus Bears, but as Coors versus Goose Island. WHO YA DRINKIN’?!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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King Hippo

Time to cut some motherfuckers, new cool black coach. THEY LET TRUTH BISCUIT SCORE

litre_cola

Little know fact is that time to cut some motherfuckers is Ray Lewis “safe” phrase.

JustStopDude

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Trubisky TD? Now he justs needs a punk haircut, a headband and sunglasses and he’ll be the bestest Bears QB ever!

scotchnaut

I’m starving. What are you guys making for me?

Wakezilla

Pizza (again) or Chinese and pairing it with an IPA. What do you want?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Ask Herodotus for one of his bars.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just made some mushroom ravioli with leftover roasted carrots and cauliflower

/Will be hungry again in an hour

scotchnaut

“Leftover? Leftover?”

You’ve got one guess as to who is not getting fucked tonight.

...

TIME TO KISS SOME TITTESS

Wakezilla

And the Bears just won the Superb Owl!!!!!111!

Wakezilla

Richard Sherman lists Qbs with jobs, but worse than Koepernick. The list is shorter than it should be.

http://www.sacbee.com/sports/nfl/article165475112.html

JustStopDude

I have to admit…I kind of pulled a Cutler today.

I’m giving training to customers. Its all day talking about technical shit. I always warn the classes at the beginning that I have a speech impediment and to feel free to crack jokes about it. Generally, once the afternoon starts hitting, I start to struggle with certain words.

Right around 4pm, I was trying to say something like “The D axis current and the Q axis current references are compared to the D and Q axis current feedbacks, and the proportional and integration calculations result in the appropriate voltage references for the D and the Q axis”. When I get tired, I struggle with my P words.

The site manger for the customer then says “Could you please not do that”

“Do what?”

“The stuttering. Its distracting”

“We are done for the day” and I pulled out a cig, put it in my mouth, and walked out of the room. My Indian coworker escorted them out of the building.

It should be an INTERESTING morning with these guys.

Wakezilla

I pull a Cutler most days teaching kids in the summer.

Redshirt

“G-g-g-go f-f-f-f-f-fuck y-y-y-y-yourselves!”

litre_cola

Holy shit, the nerve of some people.

Redshirt

As someone with a speech impairment, I have never had someone comment on my speech and I have worked Drive Thru order taker.

JustStopDude

I volunteer to expose kids to engineering at the local grade schools whenever I am in town and can schedule it.

Fucking elementary school kids have the common sense that god gave creamed corn to know better than to say something like that.

I was fucking dumbfounded.

WCS

“I have to admit…I kind of pulled a Cutler today.”

And I thought you were gonna say you pooped on the floor next to the toilet, and later coughed up a hairball on the living room carpet.

Gratliff

Our network engineer is an old timer who built the district’s WAN from the ground up. He also has an absolutely brutal stutter, sometimes taking up to 30 seconds mid-sentence to get through a word. He’s one of the most respected people in the organization though, and people eagerly wait through it to hear what he has to say. So, naturally, my dick kid was in the office one day when he (the boy) was having one of his rougher days, and basically just said “Haha, you talk funny.” My coworker laughing at it is the only thing that prevented me from murdering my son in public.

Redshirt

Its time! Its time! Its Truth Biscuit Time, baby!

Wakezilla

That white on white connection is making a lot of P*ts fans’ dicks get a semi.

scotchnaut

#TruthBiscuitTime

King Hippo

HEY, a simple enough route QuarterPax could complete it!

Wakezilla

Mitch Trubinsky: Worth mortgaging the farm on, but not worth getting any snaps this year. Makes sense drafting him 2nd overall

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Ryan Leaf nods in agreement.

litre_cola

So does Goff, oh wait.

King Hippo

Baby Buster is safe at home with his colouring books and juice box, thanks very much!

Redshirt

Akili Smith and David Klingler sobs in agreement.

litre_cola

Ex Calgary Stampeder Akili Smith? Oh.

Wakezilla

Did he ever see any snaps? I don’t think he saw any, even in garbage time

litre_cola

I wasn’t living there yet. I was overseas but I bring that up regularly around Stamp fans

King Hippo

Ryan Leaf nods (full stop)

King Hippo

They want to make sure he only sees 4th stringers, coming from the ACC and all.

...

I remind myself that the Jets drafted Hackenberg to comfort myself but it still doesn’t work.

King Hippo

a reminder, that fucker apparently can’t break the huddle correctly

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey NFLN, get rid of the twitter updates graphics.
If I wanted to know what folks on twitter think about anything, I’d just murder myself.

herodotus450

If you don’t stop cirtue signalling your murder-privelage I’m going to start a changeorg.com petition to get your twitter checkmark taken away

King Hippo

When you’re a RB, and you are given jersey #4…

litre_cola

Better learn to punt.

Redshirt

Watch it be the Backup Punter who is better than all the other running backs.

scotchnaut

Agent: “I’ve got a guy that’s 6’7″ 240 and plays QB.”

Broncos: [salivates] “Can he play?”

Agent: “I’LL SAY IT AGAIN. HE’S SIX FOOT SEVEN, TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS AND PLAYS QUARTERBACK.”

Broncos: “SOLD!”

King Hippo

It’s my footy side, but tis funny ’cause it’s true.

JustStopDude

Mark Sanchez showing the young bucks that if you can’t throw for shit, you may as well block, leading with your head.

Wakezilla

Sanchize is already in mid-season form by over-throwing the receiver by a good 10 yards. Must be doing the TB12 book

litre_cola

Chubby runningback?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh fuck, litre just went gay.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

litre_cola

I deserved that, but fuck you anyway TWBS

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well if you insist, but I doubt I’m chubby enough for ya’s.
😉

King Hippo

1st and 4th pre-season tilts are quite the equal opportunity events

WCS
Redshirt

At the rate Bears-Broncos is going, this referee squad will be needed Tommy John Surgery for all the flags being thrown today. Its way too early to go this high in the pitch count.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It is why they are hiring 25 full time refs now. They need them to be able to throw this many flags every other weekend in Chicago.

JustStopDude

Say what you will about him, but on the sidelines of the Bears, Todd Marinovich looks pretty good considering all the drugs and whatnot over the years.

Oh wait…THAT’S WHAT Mike Glennon looks like?!?!

Redshirt

Don’t give the Bears any ideas. Or the fans any hopes.

...

Wait, is Marinovich available?

Redshirt

See what I mean?

King Hippo

You got a sixer? Cause nobody gets inside the ‘Vich for free…

litre_cola

If it wasn’t such a sad story this would be banner material, but we aren’t complete assholes.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Wait, what? Jesus, I wandered into the wrong place…

JustStopDude

Look…I feel for the kid…NO ONE should have to QB for the Bears. But Glennon signed a 3 year, $45 million contract. No one forced him to.

The Maestro

So the CFL just announced that Shania Twain is going to play the Grey Cup halftime show this year, and I immediately had two thoughts:

– If this was 20 years ago, this would be a huge get. In classic CFL fashion, of course.
– Even if she is 51, I’d still hit it without a second thought.

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litre_cola

This has been the worst halftime on TSN for a long time.

Howevah I concur with you

Wakezilla

Shania is YUUUUUGE. When you do Vegas like she did, you’ve transcended what’s in. That’s a solid get.

With that said, Shania almost retired—and probably should have retired– because she had something go wrong with her throat and sounds weird singing. I saw her perform last year. She apologized about how bad she sounded and explained why.

So, it’s going to be depressing listening to her sing.

She’s still fine as hell though.

Redshirt

Its like old Judy Garland. She aged really bad, but when you find out what the studio and directors did to her, you give her a pass.

...

So the engineer fired from Google for whining about diversity looks like Justin Trudeau was involved in a terrible taffy pulling accident.

WCS

“Terrible Taffy Pulling Accident” is a wonderful FF name.

herodotus450

This sounds like a reference to something, so I looked it up and found this
https://www.osha.gov/pls/imis/accidentsearch.accident_detail?id=14244487
Suddenly those taffy wrapper jokes aren’t very funny anymore

...

Holy shit. I just made that joke because his facial proportions are weird as fuck. What a way to die.

Redshirt

When in doubt, LOCK IT THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ooh, is he single?”

– Ladies

/just kidding we all know he’s single.

Redshirt
King Hippo

Enter the Sanchize

Redshirt

Enter the Punting Team

King Hippo

It’s a veritable race between offsetting penalties and punts, this’un

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I liked the back to back plays of Bears allowing a catch in quadruple coverage, then 9 guys on defense giving up and just assuming someone else would tackle the back with the ball on the next play.

litre_cola

All this giraffe talk, let’s see how Osweiler is doing….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Still the best Lattimer:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“YEAH! A PLACE AT THE TABLE!!!!”

– a young Andy Reid

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Hell yeah. Great part for Bryniarski, I always thought he should’ve had a better career.

Unsurprised

He played Leatherface in the Michael Bay-produced TCM remake.

JustStopDude

One of my fucking pet peeves about movies is they show people running through windows and taking beer bottles into the head and walking away from it.

I got hit with a beer bottle once, from a pregnant woman no less, and I ended up in the ICU.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw a guy try to break a beer bottle on his own head one time. He did not succeed. He did better with the bottle of gin.

litre_cola

Seems like a smart guy.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Sure. They also show people getting hit by cars and bouncing right back up (nope), outracing fire (nope) and getting shot with little effect and no shock trauma (nope).

In other words, they’re just not a reliable source of realism.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The outrunning fire one is the one that really kills me. Like, as long as the fire doesn’t touch you, the explosion is otherwise not dangerous and you won’t get shredded by shrapnel or have your eardrums ruptured.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

And the superheated air being pushed ahead of the fire is just, y’know, lukewarm

Beastmode Ate My Baby

But I do have experience with the car one and NOAP. 1-2tons of metal hitting you at even a fairly slow road speed will take you down faster than Andy Reid in an all-you-can-eat buffet line.

Redshirt

So Taunting counts as a Yellow Card, but a punch to the face mask is a regular foul?

Sorry. Cincy has Soccer Fever.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are you sure it isn’t Dengue Fever?

Redshirt

No, I haven’t been anywhere near the Ohio River this year.

Doktor Zymm

Always answer a question with a question. Like “Whatareyafuckedup?”

Croooow

Ah, the preseason. The time of the year I frequently say, “Wait, that guy is still in the league?!”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just did exactly that when they announced that Zach Miller had dropped a pass!

Wakezilla

I thought Miller had joined Miami because they kept asking him to talk about Catler over the 3 days derpfest.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Let me get this straight. The Dark Tower is the #1 movie in America?

Ugh. North Korea was right about us.

Wakezilla

That chick in the Liberty Insurance commercial (The one talking about Brad) is pretty terrifying.

ArmedandHammered

Sometimes I wonder if Brad was the name of her boyfriend and she has just convinced herself that was what she called the car.

Wakezilla

Pretty sure she killed Brad and they could never prove it was her.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah she has Stage 5 Clinger written all over her.

King Hippo

As a Brad, I wish she was hotter. Am ok with the terrifying.

litre_cola

Agreed on all counts.

herodotus450

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WCS

Alexa, how often do you watch me masturbate?

...

Alexa counts your strokes and reports the number directly to Bezos.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Can we cut Glennon yet?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, now seems like a good time to praise Mike Glennon’s football IQ

Wakezilla

Cohen with a first down. That’ll look good on the Bears’ best of 2017 DVD when it gets released in February, 2018

herodotus450

I found some kind of protein bar on hella sale at the store recently, they taste pretty good, and now I eat all my meals in bar form

litre_cola

Very efficient. I wish all my meals were at the bar.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Yeah. You’ve gotta read HRTN tomorrow.

litre_cola

I would like to know who doesn’t? Gotta get me my acid flashback every Friday

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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herodotus450

Yeah but mine are made from korean newspapers from the future: “Glorious leader nukes all of *merica, land enveloped by fire as befitting the devil-people, *mericans deny it. In other news, fire still illegal to own in glorious DPRK.”

Redshirt

I was like that with Metamusil when I was dieting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, whose idea was it to give Mike Glennon a close-up?

King Hippo

He’s gotten uglier, and God help him I didn’t think that were possible.

WCS

TRUE FACT: Mike Glennon is also the monster in the second season of Stranger Things.

King Hippo

I can’t imagine they ever use him to visit children’s hospitals, that’s for sure.

scotchnaut

Good god I love me the live football threads! It’s fucking preseason and everyone is on point.

King Hippo

Granted, we’uns had a long time to save up teh yuk-yuks

Redshirt

Yeah, but we’ll be done by 9:00 and the backups will go in. I’ll be damned before I lose my spot to Crimsontunic.

King Hippo

Redshirt – funny Republican or funniest Republican?

Redshirt

Funny “ha ha” or funny “holy shit, he’s gonna get us killed”?

King Hippo

Little Column A…

litre_cola

So from all these comments i shouldn’t expect the Bears winning the Superb Owl?

...

It’s now actually illegal to use the words “superb” and “Chicago Bears” in the same sentence. Your fine is watching one quarter of a Bears game this season.

litre_cola

Please no, I will try and do better. I promise.

King Hippo

As your de facto American attorney, I plead that this one counts, eh?

litre_cola

OK, I will do it. As long as it is regular season and by full quarter you mean RedZone with any Bear highlights that come my way.

King Hippo

It would surprise me less if I woke up tomorrow morning to Emily Haines sitting on my face.

...

So I should have had “minute one” in the “when will Glennon throw his first pick six” pool.

Silly me.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Just tuning in. How bad is Trubisky? He’s a natural-born Brown bad, or He’ll be on the unemployment line by 2020 bad?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He hasn’t played yet. He’s on the bench behind a guy who has already fumbled and thrown a pick six.

King Hippo

AND behind fucking Sanchize for the #2 spot.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Just don’t let Sanchez get behind my daughters!”

-every coach evar

Beastmode Ate My Baby

That’s really as good an answer as anything.

Wakezilla

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. My LOLphins preview is going to have a ton of jokes about Cutler that have been heard a bajillion times before late August.

Redshirt

Injured Bronco
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WCS

When the Browns play the Bears on Christmas Eve, Baby Jesus will return, just to spare humanity of having to witness that atrocity.

King Hippo

oh, think of what fun that RiveBrog will be tho!

Redshirt

No. Jesus is going to return when the Bengals have a 24-point lead late in this years Wild Card Game.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Still will be a better use of time than spending time with the family

scotchnaut

The Bears never-ending march towards success is sponsored by the good folks at Sisyphus.org

King Hippo

I love these young QBs. Truth Biscuit can’t take center snaps. Hackenburg can’t fucking break the huddle right (I’m assuming a mule must have kicked him in the head as a toddler). What else?

Redshirt

How can you screw up breaking a huddle? Is he giving the players a group hug?

King Hippo

I have no idea. It was buried in a Rotowire update that such was holding him back from making it more of a competitive QB sitch.

Doktor Zymm

They wouldn’t name something “Red Rocket” unless they wanted you to be reminded of euphemisms for a dog penis, right?

The Maestro

Somewhere out there, a drunken, deluded Bears fan is telling themselves, “So what if we look shitty in the preseason? The ’08 Lions went 4-0 in the preseason… the opposite of that is definitely a good sign, right?”