Or should that be “2017 Horrible Carolina Panthers Preview”?

Yes, that seems more apropos.

Sooooooo, two years removed from almost running the regular season table, an NFC Championship and a (disappointing) Superb Owl appearance, are the Panthers going to suck again this year?

Yes.  Yes they are.  And here’s why…

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2015 Carolina Panthers – A Very Brief Review:

They did a good…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEcdTZ8aPsQ

Then a really good…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFIGJiA1zc8

Then dropped the ball…

(hehe…had to)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DJMU2n5sC8

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2016 Carolina Panthers – A Very Brief Review:

They didn’t do a good.  Not even nearly as well as I thought they would when I wrote this last year.

I mean I knew they’d drop off.  How could they not?  But wow.  Hey, at least now I know why people think I’m stupid.  And also why I don’t bet on football (shut up you DFO Vegas people, you have no proof I bet on football last year…and it was my birthday anyway so gimme a break…at least yeahright and myself broke even and it paid for sushi that night at The Wynn, dammit).

And no, I haven’t bet on football again since.  Nor will I.

But I digress…..

(but seriously, I don’t know shit about shit so don’t read the rest of this)

In a very disappointing follow up to their Superb Owl season in 2015, the 2016 Carolina Panthers jumped out to a sizzling 1-5 start, thus digging a hole which landed them in the NFC South cellar for the rest of the season.  But during that horrid start, they did at least manage to beat the Niners.  But then again, who didn’t? (LOL….it’s funny because the Rams managed to suck worse than the Niners….twice…ppl forget that).

OK, now I’m laughing too hard to continue this.  Plus I need a drinky drink drink.  BRB….

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OK, now I’m good and drunk.  Like seriously.  I just took like a two hour break and got liquored up.  No I am not joking.

But here’s what.

If you’re a Panthers’ fan, I suggest a similar strategy this year.  And I realize none of you are Panthers’ fans, otherwise I wouldn’t be the one stuck doing this preview.  But if you WERE a Panthers’ fan, copious amounts of alcohol might help dull the pain of what this season is about to become.

Why you ask?  Why will it suck for Panthers’ fans?

Let’s count it down….

The Top Three Reasons Why the Panthers Will Suck As Badly This Year…..

3.  The Defensive Line

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a terrible defensive line.  But they are not going to be able to bring as much heat from the ends as in previous years.  Just re-signing Julius Peppers is evidence enough of that.  He’s useless as an end at this point, and they didn’t need help in the middle.  And if they can’t bring pressure from the ends on defense, their LB’s, yes even the golden boy Keuchly, are not fast (or smart) enough to react.  And don’t get me started on this secondary.  I told ya last year that losing Josh Norman to the [Redacteds] in free agency was gonna hurt.  I really underestimated how much.

Bottom line is this.  Even though it starts with a “less capable” D line, front to back this is not even close to the same defense from two years ago.  And the weaknesses now will be more difficult to conceal.  Even more than last year.  Could they all overachieve and have a dream season?  Yes.

Will they?  No.

2.  Cam Newton Rushing

The poor guy, I feel for him.  He has been beaten and battered the past couple of years, and in my opinion took some cheap shots to the noggin on more than one occasion the past couple of years.  Especially last year.  If you think he doesn’t remember that….well, actually maybe he doesn’t remember that now that I think about it.  But his “extra RB on the field” days should be over.  And they really are whether he or the coaching staff realizes it.  But expect the coaching staff to continue to try to use him that way.  And one of two things will happen.  He’ll be out and on the IR by week three, or he’ll begin to become hesitant (no judgement there, btw…I don’t blame him).

Either way it’s no longer a recipe for success if that’s how they try to use him.

It won’t end well for anyone.

1b.  Cam Newton Passing, Part I

This is a bit complicated, so I’m breaking this into sub headings.  But here goes…..

Newton’s rehab from shoulder surgery isn’t going terribly well.  Now, it still could turn out fairly well for him and the team in the long term if they don’t rush him back too soon.  Though all indications are that Riverboat Ron is gonna push this too quickly in an attempt to not lose his job.  And either way, even in the short term, in spite of sunny comments from the coaching staff to the contrary…trust me, it’s not going well.  They already shut him down once, and he only just started throwing again YESTERDAY.  And isn’t expected to take any snaps in the preseason, and is questionable at best to make the opener vs the Niners (9/10).

That’s not good, and here’s why…

1a.  Cam Newton Passing, Part II

Cam is not going to be in game shape.  He’s not going to be able to go downfield, at least initially, even if he does make the opener.  And it’s not just the physical, it’s the timing.

On top of that, he’s not naturally built for the quick strike offense which the Panthers have indicated they want to move to and which they drafted for .  He’s never done it, never had to.  It’s not his thing (plus the rest of the receiving corp is not built for it).

Now, being the natural athlete he is, Newton might be able to adjust to it in time.  Probably can, in fact (if he’s not rushed back and further fucks up that shoulder).  But the point is that he’ll need time to adjust to it.  But how long it takes is anyone’s guess, of course.  But in any case, he will need to adjust to something he’s never been asked to do before…while also adjusting to a rebuilt shoulder.  And not getting reps up until now, and not at least getting game timing down in preseason games?

And did I mention the rest of the receiving corp isn’t built for it?  Newton, trying to adjust to both things, while his shoulder is still fucked up?

Yeah, this is gonna be ugly.  At least this year.

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So, I’ve already told you how stupid I am at gambling, so of course we’re gonna talk some tWBS odds.  So here goes.

I will be surprised if the Panthers are not AT LEAST as bad as last year (6-10).  Let’s call that a 75%.

Obviously, no better than 25% that they’ll be better.  But even if they are better, they won’t be much better.

I’d say it’s 50/50 that they’ll be worse.

And given the October schedule they’re facing?

Here’s the schedule, not that it matters:

No way this team posts better than 8-8.  No playoffs, etc, etc.

But I suspect they’ll still put Newton’s long term health at risk too soon, and more or less fuck themselves (and him) long term for years to come.  For no reason.  Well other than to try to avoid being part of the coaching carousel come January.

I’ll be shocked if the kid starts half a dozen games before he’s shelved and looking at another shoulder surgery/rehab.  And that’s if he doesn’t suffer some other injury first due to protecting his shoulder or head.

In all likelihood, this isn’t going to be pretty.

My prediction?

5-11

My suspicion is that Ron is either looking for a new job, or at least updating his resume, in early January.

My hope, my dream scenario, is that they are so bad that Julius Peppers has a nervous breakdown halfway through the season, quits, and then spills his cheating guts to the NCAA.

But then again, I also still believe in Santa Claus sooooooo….

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How about a coupla hot Cheerleaders to end things?

(oh come on, you know me well enough to know I was gonna)

Later Taters

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