THE FOOTBALL SEASON IS NIGH! YAAAAAAAAAAY!
And with it, fantasy football also starts in earnest. Our very own TrollSoHardUniversity has been tackling fantasy and legal questions like Joe Mixon takes down restaurant patrons, and he will continue to do that throughout the season, until he gets bored, sued, or until Cuntler files a state bar complaint, whichever comes first. In the meantime, maybe you need more generalized help. Perhaps you, like me, have a draft or two over the next few days. And if that’s the case, you need to know: who are the sleepers?
But there is no place you’ll find bigger authorities on sleepers than the DFO Clubhouse. So without further ado, here are my picks for top sleepers to help you separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the ado from the no further ado.
Player: Rip Van Winkle
Team: Catskill Irvings
Strengths: Endurance, basically the GOAT of sleeping for long stretches of time. No one can beat him in a nap-off if that’s a thing and if victory is determined by units of continuous sleep.
Weaknesses: Old as fuck, possibly could be confused with Rumplestiltskin by stupid children. Can’t play football.
Strengths: Utility player, can sleep anywhere, perhaps even Horatio’s locker
Weaknesses: Thrown off by beautiful women, even those with zero sexual interest in him. Can’t play football.
Player(s): Cast of the 1996 movie Sleepers
Team: Hmmmm, if only Los Angeles had a football team…
Position: Face down, ass up
Strengths: Strong attack, takes advantage of deceptiveness and opponents’ complacency
Weaknesses: Only metaphorically sleeping. Also psychological trauma. Characters played football while in juvy, but unclear if they could today as even the young guys are old now.
Player: Princess Aurora
Team: Anaheim Might DuckAngels of Los Angeles of the National Football League of American
Strengths: Good eye discipline, rigid mechanics, commitment to Roger Goodell’s approach to sexual assault
Weaknesses: Can be awakened with just a kiss, like Big Ben’s true nature while in a bar bathroom. Can’t play football.
Player: Larry Summers aka Larry Slumbers
Team: Washington Redtails
Position: Seated in places of power
Strengths: Tremendous experience, having slept through meetings in the Clinton and Obama Administrations as well as academia.
Weaknesses: Sometimes wants to talk to you about economic policy and arcane theories. Can’t play football.
Player: Marguerite Duthuit, née Matisse
Team: Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys
Position: Side Sleeper
Strengths: Tough as nails, survived diptheria and an emergency tracheotomy at age 6, later captured and tortured by the Gestapo, escaped off of a train headed for a concentration camp and lived well into her 80s.
Weaknesses: Didn’t do that much more sleeping compared to regular people, possibly less than the average diptheria patient. Aforementioned diptheria is a literal weakness and this whole thing with her dad calling her the model daughter is creepy AF. Can’t play football.
Player: Bernie Lomax
Team: New York Giants (I presume no one who vacations in the Hamptons likes the Jets)
Position: However you prop him up
Strengths: Impossible to wake up. Flexible. Excellent wingman.
Weaknesses: Dead. Can’t play football.
Player: Roger Goodell
Team: Protectors of the Shield
Position: Self Human-Centipeding
Strengths: Able to be asleep at the wheel on issues as intense as domestic violence and the cratering of football’s popularity amongst the young people he needs to exploit. Massive amounts of cash and job security. Strong pizza discipline.
Weaknesses: May not actually sleep. May be an actual piece of shit. Is a National Disgrace. Slowly killing what we love. Can go fuck himself.