The scene: Outer space, where a magical chariot is hurtling through the open void. And just calling it a chariot is an understatement. This thing is wicked cool, bro. It’s a metallic red with golden trim and racing flames, with yuuuge gold rims that look like they came off of a John Force funny car sporting massive Vulcan-branded tires. Dionysus is at the front of the chariot with Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, and a hungover JJ Fozz stands behind them, holding Man in Plaid #2’s head.

Horatio Cornblower: I’ve got to thank you again for the ride, Dion. We weren’t sure how we were going to get back to Earth.

Dionysus: No thanks necessary, Horatio! I’ve been meaning to get back to earth at some point, anyway. There’s a few old girlfriends I’d like to look up.

Horatio Cornblower: How many is “a few?”

Dionysus (shrugging): Oh, twenty or thirty. Although it’s been a few years, come to think of it. When was Woodstock again?

JJ Fozz: Yeah, you might want to update your little black book, pal. Most of your old girlfriends are probably on Social Security by now.

Dionysus (shrugging): Well, maybe they have granddaughters.

Horatio Cornblower: Are you sure Apollo won’t mind you borrowing his chariot?

Dionysus: Not at all. He’s settled down, you know. Married a demigoddess of wheat or somesuch and bought a place out in the middle of nowhere. He put all this work into the God Rod and now it mostly sits in a barn.

JJ Fozz: The God Rod?

Dionysus: That’s what he calls it. Once he souped it up, he just had to give it a name.

JJ Fozz (grumbling): A dumbass name.

Dionysus: My own suggestion was the Jesus Chrysler, but that went over like the proverbial lead balloon.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: How is it powered? Was it not pulled by four horses?

Dionysus: It was, but four horse-power just wasn’t enough as the centuries went on, so Apollo had Hephaestus install a specialized power plant.

Horatio Cornblower: I guess that explains how we’re flying through space…

Dionysus (swerving the God Rod around a meteor): It’s a god thing.

JJ Fozz (turning green): Hey, take it easy, pal! I think I left my stomach back there.

Dionysus (slowing the chariot to a stop): Sorry. Next time you might want to go a bit easier on the mead.

Horatio Cornblower: How come we’re stopping?

Dionysus (looking around): I’m trying to remember…do I turn right or left at the Antares Nebula…?

JJ Fozz (irritable): Look, can we just get… Wait, what the hell is that smell?

The Norse thunder god Thor comes roaring up in his own chariot. His ride is a bit more…rustic…than the God Rod, and pulled by two massive, snarling goats. There are several kegs piled into Thor’s chariot and the thunder god himself looks happily inebriated.

Thor (burping loudly): Dion! What are you doing out here?

Dionysus: Greetings, Thor. We were just heading to earth…

Thor (interrupting): That hellhole? Why in Odin’s name would you want to go there?

Dionysus: I’m dropping off my friends…

Thor (interrupting again): So you’re the ones! I have to say, whichever of you kayoed Mars…nice job! I’ve wanted to punch him a few times myself! No offense, Dion.

Dionysus: None taken. My brother can be a bit…

Thor (interrupting yet again): Of an asshat, AMIRITE?!!

Dionysus: But how did you hear about…

Thor (yep): Oh, I swung by Bruce’s party! It was all anyone could talk about!

Dionysus: Huh. That’s…not good…

Cut to: Bruce the Shark-Headed god’s party. Mars is still unconscious and slumped in a chair. Partygoers have taken to decorating him, so he’s wearing a long blonde wig, Groucho glasses, a bright green shirt with hot dogs printed on it, and spangled pink sandals. Nearby a tall goddess is holding Bruce with one hand and angrily pointing at Mars with the other. Unlike some of the other gods, she’s stuck with her old-school look: breastplate and helmet, greaves, helmet, etc. The chubby form of Cupid flits back & forth, his bow aimed threateningly at Bruce. Hercules,in a muscle tee and Speedo, stands nearby.

Minerva: Bruce, you will tell me who did…this…to Mars, or I will…

Cupid (in a squeaky voice): Hit him, Aunt Minerva!

Bruce: Hey, hey! No need for violence! Geez! Look, it was a new guy, OK?

Minerva: A newcomer dared lay hands on the god of war?

Bruce: Not hands, exactly…more like butt.

Hercules (chuckling): Mars got butt-butted.

Cupid (nocking an arrow menacingly): Yer talkin’ about my dad!

Hercules swats Cupid and sends him spiraling through the air.

Minerva: Would you two settle down? I’m trying to menace Bruce, here!

Bruce: No rush, really. I can wait until later if you want.

Minerva (lifting Bruce): Bruce, I’m warning you…I want a name!

Bruce: It was a guy named Fozz, OK? He took off with Dion…I think they’re going to Earth!

Minerva: Then we shall follow them, and we shall have veng…

Hercules: “We?” Minnie, I gotta date with Danu tonight!

Bruce: Danu? Isn’t she the one with the…

Bruce holds his hands way, way out in front of his chest. Hercules nods enthusiastically.

Bruce: Niiiiice!

Minerva tosses Bruce into his cool pool. He immediately goes underwater, although his dorsal fin surfaces and follows after a giggling gaggle of goddesses.

Hercules: Aw, c’mon, Minerva! I don’t wanna go to Earth…

A tiny arrow shoots through the air and embeds itself in Hercules’ neck. His expression changes from one of stubborn defiance to one of abject adoration. Cupid flitters up to Minerva.

Cupid: It seemed like this way’d be easier. He’ll follow you anywhere now.

Minerva (nodding): Then we shall go to Earth. We shall find this “Fozz” person. And we shall… Oh, for Jupiter’s sake, Hercules! Stop smelling my hair! It’s creepy!

To be continued…