First up, good news. If you don’t know by now, being on a football humor site and all, the start of the season is tomorrow! Yes, real football! That means something! Can you believe it?

While we’ve been waiting for real football, my baseball-watching hours (and they are numerous… hey, stop throwing saw blades!) got me thinking. Nowadays, it seems that everyone has music for them. The batters have their plate music, and the pitchers have followed suit—first the closers, then the starters, then the guy who comes in in the 3rd inning with the score 12-1. Next thing you know the hot dog guy’ll have one as he’s giving you mustard packets! (Someone ask Whiskeydudesteve Beerguyrob if he has music yet.)

Anyway, with that in mind, as one of the resident musicians in the clubhouse, I decided… what if football players had walkup songs? Or at least quarterbacks? If anyone on the football field would have such a thing, it would be them. So without further ado, here are, in my opinion, the best ideas for entrance music for quarterbacks.

(QBs are listed by team location, because that’s easier to organize. And occasionally there will be some acknowledgement, so thank you to those people in advance. And yes, I know DFO Radio’s finale for the year is somewhat similar to this, but I’ve been overthinking this since June, so throw me a friggin’ bone.)

Carson Palmer, Arizona: “Start Me Up” by The Rolling Stones
Because Mick Jagger could move to Arizona! He’s old! It’s a generic enough “beginning of the game” song that caters to the home crowd! Because they’re old! Except Blax. At heart. I don’t know how old he is.

Matt Ryan, Atlanta: “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice
Kinda self-explanatory.

Joe Flacco, Baltimore: “Jolene” as covered by Pentatonix (with Dolly Parton)
Courtesy of Beerguyrob, “because she was the elementary school librarian he had a crush on.”

Tyrod Taylor, Buffalo: “Ants Marching” by Dave Matthews Band
They’re both from Virginia, and the one Bills fan I know is a Dave Matthews fan, so I’m just gonna roll with it. Did I mention this has been in the till for three months?

Cam Newton, Carolina: Theme from Superman
All right, two ground balls in the first five plus one someone gave me, I’m on a roll!

Mike Glennon, Chicago: “The Bad Touch” from Bloodhound Gang
I’m tempted to say this was Cuntler.

Andy Dalton, Cincinnati: “Disco Inferno” by The Trammps
We would have also accepted “Rocket Man” by Elton John.

Deshone Kizer, Cleveland: “Modern Way” by Kaiser Chiefs
There isn’t some famous music from the soundtrack of The Usual Suspects, is there?

DAK DAK DAK, DALLAS: “Born on the Bayou” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
He’s from Louisiana, it works.

Trevor Siemian, Denver: “Monkey Business” by Skid Row
So let’s go with that joke about his name rather than the other one we can make here. Because I have a suspicion if stadium audio people actually did this they wouldn’t make bodily fluid jokes. Okay, maybe they would. But I can’t think of any good songs to go with it.

Matt Stafford, Detroit: “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays
Or “Money, Money, Money” by ABBA, or “Money” by Pink Floyd, or “Money (That’s What I Want)” by The Beatles, or…

Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay: “I Like Your Booty (But I’m Not Gay)” from the ATHF movie
I’m actually pretty proud of this one. I came up with it all by myself!

Tom Savage, Houston: “I Am Here” by Savages
The distortion at the beginning gives it a bonus point.

HODOR, Indianapolis: “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al Yankovic
We would have also accepted the Game of Thrones theme, but when you put on “Gangster’s Paradise” on the karaoke track, you all look at each other and say “Amish? Amish.” Okay, maybe that was just me with my friends.

Blake Bortles, Jacksonville: “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit
The band’s apparently from Jacksonville, which might explain some things. No idea about whether they’d remix it with the Seinfeld theme.

Alex Smith, Kansas City: “Wait for It” from Hamilton
Because white people love Hamilton and the checkdown is essentially the football equivalent of waiting for it. It could be Andy Reid’s walk-in music too considering his clock management, but that would be decided against, with the eventual winner being a waiter reading the specials.

Philip Rivers, LA Clippers Chargers: “Ty Cobb” by Soundgarden
I believe it’s Low Commander with the assist. We would have also gone with “Every Sperm is Sacred” from Monty Python, but I’ll defer to LCSS here.

Jared Goff, RAM IT: “California Love” by 2Pac feat. Dr. Dre
Yes, it may be Dodgers’ closer Kenley Jansen’s entrance song, but would you really expect originality from RAM IT?

Jay Cutler, Miami: “Pierre” by Carole King
And Pierre said… “I don’t care!”

Sam Bradford, Minnesota: “Big Blue Plymouth (Eyes Wide Open)” by Talking Heads
Courtesy of Yeahright.

Dreamboat, New England: “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell
This one is also Yeahright’s doing, but considering Grumblelord, I’d go with this.

Breesus, New Orleans: “When the Saints Go Marching In” by Louis Armstrong
I wanted the hymn “A Mighty Fortress is Our God,” but I couldn’t find a good enough version.

Eli Manning, NY Giants: Theme song from Little Einsteins remixed
Eli wanted to just go with the regular theme song, but his buddy Odell said the remix was cooler. Also apparently italicization messes with the linking, but meh, fuck it.

Josh McCown, NY Jets: “Who Are You” by The Who
Josh McCown, as opposed to Luke McCown. Or Cade McNown.

Derek Carr, Oakland: “Cars” by Gary Numan
Name puns abound!

Carson Wentz, Philadelphia: “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy
Remember when this song was on every five goddamn minutes thanks to the college football playoff? That was the worst.

THE BEN, Pittsburgh: “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy
Courtesy of Balls. Joke self-explanatory.

Brian Hoyer, San Francisco: “Our Country” by John Melloncamp
Considering the line is “This is our country,” you could change the words for added benefit. And then you can sing that this is Hoyer Country.

Charmslinger, C-HOX: “Thrift Shop”… as covered by Kidz Bop
Okay, okay… it would be “Can’t Hold Us.” Hell, it might already be that and they’ve beaten me to the punch by actually having QB music (if it isn’t the whole team’s song). Russell Wilson played baseball, ppl forget that. But this is better in a “so bad it’s awful” kind of way. Not so bad it’s good. It is not good. It is the exact opposite of good. It is bad, and wrong, and badong.

Jameis Winston, Tampa Bay: “Legs” by ZZ Top
Which legs am I referring to? YOU DECIDE!

Marcus Mariota, Tennessee: “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride” from Lilo and Stitch
I didn’t say that the person would choose it, and come on, don’t tell me whoever the audio person is wouldn’t choose this to be witty! That’s like, half the joke. If not three-quarters. Or more. On an unrelated note, I do a damned good Stitch impression.

Kurt Kirk Cousins, Washington: “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars
Was there any other option?

So, that’s the list of starters. But where’s the fun in just the starters, right? Why do something when you can also overdo it, right? So here’s some more for some other players. First off, notable backups and/or injured for the year starters.

Ryan Tannehill, injured for MIA: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot
I believe it was Blax who said “anything by Sir Mix-A-Lot.”

Teddy Bridgewater, injured for MIN: “Water Under the Bridge” by Adele
You thought I was going to go with Simon & Garfunkel, didn’t you. Well it’s too easy! And Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Water did that first. And this is funnier. And I guess to work it with the lyrics, if they’re gonna release him… whatever the rest of the lyrics are, I don’t know.

Mark Sanchez, backup for CHI: “I’m Eighteen” by Alice Cooper
More jokes that write themselves!

Mitch Trubisky, backup for CHI: “Hey Ladies” by The Beastie Boys
Because he loves to kiss titties(s), duh.

Brock Osweiler, backup for CLE DEN: “Rock Lobster” by The B-52s
One of the easy ones. And then the Pauls had to make Kiser the starter and lead me to scramble for which Kaiser Chiefs song to use.

Christian Hackenberg, backup for NYJ: “Shine” by Final Placement
Namely for the guitar solo, one of the great ones of our, or all, time. It’s so well-placed, and not in the wrong key at all.

And now, some other quarterbacks.

Rex Grossman: “Shoot to Thrill” by AC/DC

Peyton Manning: That goddamn Nationwide jingle
More courtesy of Yeahright! And for our own sanity I won’t go to a bajillion different links to it. Especially all the ones with Peyton.

Vince Young: “Won’t Stop Running” by Haley Hunt
Because he gets the first shout-out in this song, which was featured in Madden 07. No, seriously, that’s the only reason why this song exists. The whole third verse is about cover player Shaun Alexander, I swear.

Brett Favre: “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen
Or, what they played at his first practice with the Jets. Because that went well!

Tim Tebow: Anything from the Faith+1 album
Of course nowadays he actually has plate music, but I don’t know or care about what it is.

Drew Bledsoe: “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago
Because he got that sheared blood vessel that nearly killed him… which led to our long American nightmare, which still continues to this day. And now we don’t really remember him for anything else.

David Garrard: “So Seductive” by Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent
Somehow Silky wasn’t brought in for the Jets quarterbacking cavalcade.

Jared Lorenzen: “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel

Colin Kaepernick: “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy

Trent Green: “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” by Eiffel 65
There isn’t a song called “Purple Monkey Dishwasher.” That I know of. Yet.

And lastly, at some point we’d inevitably get to non-QBs. IT IS A MATTER OF TIME. IT CANNOT BE STOPPED.

GRONK: Any and every song by LMFAO that one summer they were a thing and it annoyed us all. Pick a song. They all have to do with partying and Zubaz, so they’re interchangeable, which is why I’m not going to link them. Either that or some mathcore. Because it would be the least like him. Y’know, because math.

Rob Bironas: “My Sharona” by The Knack
Goddammit. Wasn’t this Berman’s fault a long time ago?

Antonio Cromartie: “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns ‘N’ Roses

Jason Pierre-Paul: “Bang Bang” by Jessie J et al.
All right, all right, it should be “O.P.P.” by Naughty by Nature. But Blax gets credit for his.

Najeh Davenport: “Get Schwifty” from Rick and Morty

Travis Henry: “Ghost Ride It” by Mistah F.A.B.
…I’m going to Hell for this one.

So that’s all the ones I could come up with. If you’ve got any other/better ones, go right ahead. I, on the other hand, will watch competent football. Tomorrow. When there’s football.