Your “Crimebeat!’ Is Going To Become A Daily Feature At This Point” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

You can start calling DFO the State Department, because as of this morning we’ve denied over 1900 Russians.

NFL News:

  • Both sides in the Ezekiel Elliott suspension have motions before federal court now.
    • It’s all based on who gets to be the court of record:
      • Elliott’s team (and team) are pushing the Texas court to throw out the suspension on the basis of lack of evidence plus improper procedure.
      • The League’s team will push for New York jurisdiction, and plans motions similar to what was argued during the Tom Brady appeal two years ago.
    • He will get to play Sunday, as the appeals are too close to gameday to afford prohibition.
      • In anticipation of the suspension being upheld, the NFL Players Association filed a motion last Friday for a temporary restraining order (TRO). If granted, the TRO would freeze the suspension while Elliott and/or the NFLPA pursue a lawsuit to get the suspension overturned permanently.
  • Ray Lewis: Still an asshole.
    • Janay Rice apologises for the language used in the above comment.
  • It’s official: Tampa – Miami has been rescheduled for Week-11.
    • Get read for the “no bye-week”, “there were no bye-weeks in the 80s” sprots radio taeks.
  • Despite the reports from Dr. Bundchen, the League & union have cleared the Patriots in the “Did TAWMMY have an owwie?” discussion that took place.
    • Whether or not he can catch his own passes? Still a valid query.
    • Lookit that kiss. Aaron Rodgers could give a better performance.
  • Von Miller says Trevor Siemian is reminding him of Peyton Manning.
    • Well, he’s probably better than Cooper Manning.
    • That’s damning with faint praise, considering I’m as good as Blake Bortles.

A police officer ordered me to get on the ground. As I laid on the ground, complying with his commands not to move, he placed his gun near my head and warned me that if I moved he would ‘blow my f—ing head off.’ Terrified and confused by what was taking place, a second Officer came over and forcefully jammed his knee into my back making it difficult for me to breathe. They then cinched the handcuffs on my wrists so tight that my fingers went numb.

I kept asking the Officers, ‘What did I do?’ and reminding them that I had rights they were duty bound to respect. The Officers ignored my pleas and instead told me to shut up and then took me to the back of a nearby police car where I sat for what felt like an eternity until they apparently realized I was not a thug, common criminal or ordinary black man but Michael Bennett a famous professional football player. After confirming my identity, I was ultimately released without any legitimate justification for the Officers’ abusive conduct.

  • He is considering a lawsuit.
    • Bennett has retained John Burris, an Oakland-based civil rights attorney, to investigate the incident and determine his legal options.

Finally, as if people needed more reasons to hate either the Patriots and Budweiser, Bud Light is selling 28,300 “Touchdown Glasses” on it’s website, to coincide with the free 65,000 they are giving away at Gillette Stadium on Opening Night.

28,300. GET IT?! Ugh.

The gimmick is that they are aligned with Patriots games, so that it’ll light up whenever nfl.com records a touchdown for the Pats on their scoreboard and the consumer is near a wifi signal. The NHL has had these for years based on goal scoring; the Penguins ones burn out by Christmas, whereas the Canucks ones gather dust.

They will sell for $18 a pop, or you could save your money and punch yourself in the balls for falling for something so craven & #UpForWhatever that Darren Rovell couldn’t find anything to add to the announcement.

As DFO’s resident Patriots fan, Maestro is encouraged to buy one & submit a photo of himself burning a $20 bill.


Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Royals at Tigers – 7:00PM | FS1
    • Blue Jays at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Diamondbacks at Dodgers – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
  • Basketball:
    • WNBA Playoff:
      • Dallas at Washington (First Round) – 8:00PM | ESPN2
      • Seattle at Phoenix (first round) – 10:00PM | ESPN2
  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • Quarterfinals – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN

Scotchy’s got you tomorrow night for the first live blog of the season. IT’S BACK, BABY!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

SPOILER ALERT!

Adelaide up big on GWS at the half in AFL action.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

That was surprising. I thought it would be closer.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Six or eight weeks ago I thought GWS was gonna stomp everybody. Also I’m at the urologist’s office. If he wants to go penistubin’ we may fight.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Why? Because you you you otter know.
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Thank you, I’ll show myself out.

Wakezilla
Member

How many folks who bitched about Kaepernick ‘disrespecting soldiers’ for taking a knee, are gonna march in the streets for DACA soldiers at risk of deportation?

This makes Kaep employable again after you cross these conundrums out, right?

Senor Weaselo
Member

If I were to guess… 3.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

WYTS Falcons was done way better in 2 minutes by Bomani Jones

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

That video had me cracking up like an idiot. Drew? Eh. At least he linked to it. Everyone in the letters and comments can get fucked.

No point in reading tomorrow because all I want from football for the rest of my life is just to watch Tom Brady die on the field. Nothing else.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

This video should have been promoted in the run up to the superb owl. We could have been prepared!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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WCS
Member

Holy shit, Joe Buck is on Colbert. And he seems to actually not be a pod person being interviewed.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Shit, they’ve been getting better.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

The Pod People didn’t get better. Humans just got worse.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

He’s rehabbed his image as a person a bit in the last couple years, at least for me. I still think he’s a godawful announcer, though.

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

His interview on Stern just before the Super Bowl actually made me not completely hate the dude.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

Joe Buck is by all indications a funny guy in my book. I also have enjoyed his announcing over the past 5 years.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Really living up to the username.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

I’m just saying, compared to the other asshats with a headset and microphone, Joe is above average.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I assume you’re right, as I cannot even remember the last time I listened to an announcer (I’ve always watched games on mute because they provide nothing of value). I still want to make fun of something.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

There’s always the almost died because of hair plugs angle. That will never not be funny. What a vain asshole.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

That’s hilarious. How is that even possible?

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

I’ve never liked the guy and don’t particularly like him calling games (especially as a Cubs fan and despiser of the shitbirds), but I’ve heard him in a couple interviews that really downgraded my hatred. His willingness to mock himself in Brockmire also helped quite a bit.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The thing about martinis is that when they are good, I want another one. And when they are bad I want a good one to wash the taste of the bad one out of my mouth.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Which end of the spectrum did we land on tonight?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Just the one. Saving some of myself for tomorrow.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

One martini is just right
Two martinis is too many
Three martinis is not enough

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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Gratliff
Member

Peter Daou has lost his fucking mind. I don’t hate liberals, but I’m disappointed in the lot of them. I made the mistake of walking into the snake pit that is Hillary bots blaming Bernie for literally everything that has ever happened to a Clinton a few days ago, and I’m pretty sure that fight would STILL be flooding my mentions if I hadn’t muted the thread 30 hours after it started.

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Gratliff
Member

Also, for the benefit of those who don’t follow him on Twitter, here’s the perfect Verrit tweet

https://twitter.com/crushingbort/status/905282210122563584

WCS
Member

The hell’s a “Verrit”?

Gratliff
Member

Peter Daou’s new “THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS”/Hillary Agitprop site, which tripped over its own dick rushing to get these gems out:

https://verrit.com/bernie-sanders-and-the-mainstream-media-helped-put-trump-in-the-white-house/

https://verrit.com/hillary-democrats-are-the-heart-and-conscience-of-america/

Gratliff
Member

Special mention goes to the comments section which supposedly reviews every comment before publishing just to make sure the pro-HRC crowd Stays On Message

Wakezilla
Member
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I think pet verrits are illegal in Texas.”

– Emmit Smith

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

There’s only about four collections of letters in the referenced twittersation that actually count as legitimate words and/or names.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This is what he got red, mad, and nude about:

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WCS
Member

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Senor Weaselo
Member

What are, “Valentines Senor has never received?” I’ll take “B” Sharps for $800.

litre_cola
Member

The Dirt cardinals are just trolling everybody the last decade with their uniforms right?

Wakezilla
Member

Surprised the league lets them get away with all the jersey changes. Probably forgot they exist

Senor Weaselo
Member

And the dark gray was a nice try, but it didn’t work. At all.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Ah, the [redacted] consecutive year of my life where I haven’t had to really worry at all about hurricanes. Or forest fires. Or earthquakes. Or droughts. Or… rising property values. Or ex-wives. Or current wives. Or children. Or ensuring some memory of me will live on in my own children as opposed to fading as quickly as my rotting corpse in the ground. Or leafers. Damn leafers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

There’s a theory that purgatory lasts as long as it takes for the memory of you to fade from the earth. I intend to be sitting pretty after being dead for less than a week.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I can’t decide which frame to blank to make into a template.

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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WCS
Member

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Fucking Christ the murderous rages continue.

Its been about 2 or three days since my last nicotine fix.

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I just want a smoke so fucking bad.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member
Redshirt
Member

http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/what-america-would-look-like-if-it-guaranteed-everyone-a-job/ar-AAro7GD?li=BBnbfcN

Evil Full Republican Redshirt: “Ready?’
Slightly Less Evil Moderate Republican Redshirt: “Ready!”

(Fusion Dance) Redshirts: “Fuuu… sion!! Ha!!”

Redshirt (Imperfect Form): “Wow, its weird when these two are in complete agreement. Set aside the fact that the Government guaranteeing everyone a job will be one hell of a step towards Socialism (at least) where the government has too much power, I see a flaw in this.

What will be done for the people that just don’t deserve a job? They have no motivation. No ethics. They don’t do anything and expect to be paid. Do they still get a job?

I can also make an argument about who decides what jobs are created and who fills them. All jobs are created by a need. A service that needs filled. What happens when all needed jobs are filled and people still need jobs…”

(Fusion ends)

Completely Good Liberal Redshirt: “You’ll never achieve your Perfect Form without me!”

Evil Full Republican Redshirt: “Never!’

Slightly Less Evil Moderate Republican Redshirt: “Yeah. Tell Hillary to quit blaming Bernie for losing. She lost because she assumed she would win and she didn’t bother to court the Flyover States.”

Evil Full Republican Redshirt: “Yeah! All Hail, President Trump!”

Slightly Less Evil Moderate Republican Redshirt: (sighs, reaches for bottles of Sertraline and Fluoxetine)

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

We need LCSS to Photoshop different jobs onto this picture.

I want one that says Porn Star

Redshirt
Member

“Professional Rebound Lay” Come on, “Professional Rebound Lay”!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Monica Bellucci’s poolboy! Monica Bellucci’s poolboy!”

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

“Independently wealthy! Independently wealthy!”

Redshirt
Member

“Batman! Batman!”

Shogun Marcus
Member

Sugar Baby! Sugar Baby!

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

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Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

BOO!

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Something tells me that balls is about to cave and take that one.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Anal bleaching technician? I don’t have to cave, I’d do it in a second!

nomonkeyfun
Member

“Rent boy, rent boy.”

-A-ron or Buddy

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I wonder if you have to take a class to do anal bleaching.

Probably not.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m sure there’s some bullshit regulation in the CA licensing and health codes.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I mean, ideally our use of robots expands to the point where nobody NEEDS jobs and everyone’s basic needs can be covered by robot taxes. And then people who want to live in nicer houses and have more stuff have the option of working. Me? In that situation I’d be so slothful it would make Jeff Lebowski look like John Henry.

Senor Weaselo
Member

The arts will make me well off!

/Ron Howard narration: “It didn’t”

Senor Weaselo
Member

They’re up to Minotaur vs. Blacksmith, and we all know how that one went.

litre_cola
Member

Holy shit there is nothing on TV, Ginger Hammer makes it so on football eve.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Tell me more about these Canadian Snow Mexicans…

True story: while on vacation in a Mexican seaside resort, I once rode out a tropical storm in my villa with a group of people that included two Canadian girls on vacation. The girls took a liking to our local Mexican boys and I was only too happy to translate to maintain international relations. I may have a picture somewhere of a table full of empty 750 ml bottles of booze.

And there may be some brown Canadians somewhere in the Great White North.

litre_cola
Member

Trump once called the retirees in Florida, Texas, Arizona, California Snow Mexicans. He said he would also curb the length of time that they could stay down there. This is preposterous as the amount of money that they spend every year is astounding.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Tell them all to go to Mexico. The Canadian dollar will go WAAAAY farther there than in the US and there are many enclaves with Canadian expats. Baja California is one particularly good place for them to go. Most Mexicans in Baja can do passable if not really good English.

litre_cola
Member

My Uncle has a timeshare somewhere, due to insurance laws they can’t be in the US for 6 months straight, so they fly Phoenix – Vancouver (passport entry) then Mexico. Genius.

Redshirt
Member

To every Bengals, Browns, Jets, Jaguars, Bears, Rams, etc. fan who last season watching their team ended with them throwing the remote, tearing off their jersey and swearing they will never root for this peace of crap team again, this is for you.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Redshirt
Member

Wow. That reboot of Winnie the Pooh is taking risks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Now I’m picturing a Bears mascot named Losie the Pooh.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Currently drinking a raspberry lambic. Had to use my waiters tool (Phrasing!) to open it because it was corked. OH AN HE FANCY!!!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Shit. Linking to DFO on reddit was a bad idea. I’m sorry.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

How so? The only time I had an issue was when I tried to bring a little laughter into the sad pathetic lives of Jaguars fans.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It attracted the bots?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Senor Weaselo
Member

No, that was CHOMP CHAT.

Redshirt
Member

I have Internet history of DFO, My Little Pony, a Wiki-Walk for WW2, Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, and various websites of an adult persuasion.

So anyway, the FBI already has this site bugged because of me, so I think we’re okay.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Fuck-all on the teevee tonight. Guess I’ll watch one of the Great American Films:

Nicolas Cage is….GHOST RIDER!

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Redshirt
Member

1 was good. Not great, but good.

I didn’t see two, but from what I read Cage was having a chemical imbalance and/or a mental breakdown or something.

Shogun Marcus
Member

There was a two? You lie.

Please…tell me you lie.

Redshirt
Member

There is no “Ghost Rider 2”. Its just a rumor starting by the people that say that there’s a “Independence Day 2”, a “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”, “Rocky V”, “Arthur 2: On the Rocks” and the Falcons blowing a 28-3 lead to the Patriots.

Senor Weaselo
Member

But there was a “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo,” and that’s all that matters.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Best thing about 1:
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See also:
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scotchnaut
Member

Currently playing on TCM-Little Annnie Rooney…

“Tomorrow, tomorrow…Can you believe how many ingredients there are in a bottle of shampoo? I wash my hair with a bar of soap every day and it doesn’t cost me anything!”

King Hippo
Member

I was in line at my co-favourite coffee shop today. Place was packed, all 4 workers busting their asses. I was like 8th in line. When I get to the front and pay for my coffee and daughter’s smoothie (she was running XC in downpour, I correctly surmised practice would get called a little early), I noticed the tip jar was fucking empty.

Not even a few handfuls of loose fucking change.

I left like $1.50, the beleaguered barista thanked me for doing my bare minimum part under the social contract and I somehow resisted the urge to go on a killing spree (mainly because I don’t own a gun).

Humanity deserves whatever virus or nuclear winter that’s coming its way. Fuck us all.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Wait…the barista said that or that’s your thoughts?

King Hippo
Member

The bold is my angry thoughts, she just said “thanks.”

Tis a small, local independent shop, and they have signs everywhere encouraging people to pay cash instead of plastic.

Sorry me no rite so good.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

She was a barista with a gun…
And she had had enough…

Coming this fall to FOX.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Tipping in cash? I went ahead and submitted a tip to the IRS for suspencted TAX EVASION! How will we fundg the death panels if coffee shops pay out tips under the table?

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hey, BattleBots reruns on the Science Channel. That I can actually watch since as mentioned, Yanks/O’s are rained out!

Aww, the first fight’s Brutus-Mobius, that one kinda sucked.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Let me guess, the fight was one-sided but somehow never ends?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

This is beautiful.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

If it wasn’t too complicated, I would put that up as the banner quote. Tremendous stuff!

Warthog
Member

Had to come out of hiding to say this is a masterpiece.

Wakezilla
Member

Charismatic gay Latino running mate booted off ticket for supporting BDS…

*snaps fingers*

The Democrats!

King Hippo
Member

It’s all a tempest in a teapot, this was the running mate for a guy who will MAYBE get 10% in the Gov. primary.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Hillary Democrats Are the Heart and Conscience of America https://t.co/JGogUqttcI— Verrit (@verrit) September 6, 2017

scotchnaut
Member

Oldest Son: “I heard you and Mom talking about canning vegetables. What’s the big deal with san marzano potatoes?”

Me: [files for divorce, confident that the first-born isn’t mine]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Apparently spending one day with someone this weekend was all it took for me to completely destroy their taste for Bud Light.

So I ask: Where’s my statue?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’ve got your statue.
Well, statuette.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Who am I, Horatio Cornblower?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

So you prefer it “full size” then?

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Os/Yanks rained out. More time for more constructive endeavours.
/gets high
//begins surfing porn early
///forgets about porn, goes to make cookies

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Sounds constructive to me.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Making cookies? You mean, putting them in the oven? Tsk tsk.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Homemade dough. But no, I didn’t make the raisins or chocolate chips.

litre_cola
Member

Raisins? You sir, are a devil.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Ummmmm…..and?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Surfing porn or surfing porn?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Oooooh, good idea. No wonder you’re the brains ’round here.

litre_cola
Member

Saw Interpol a couple years ago, the background was him surfing in black and white. Pretty cool IMO.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Litmus is my favorite surfing porn.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Loose Change is mine” – Pete Carroll

Senor Weaselo
Member

Pot jokes at debates, we all wholeheartedly approve.

Shogun Marcus
Member

If she didn’t Robomaid her way from one tv exec to the next, would chelsea handler be a thing?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

They don’t call her “the handler” for nothing.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

How can you crucify Ray Lewis when Ray Lewis is the one calling for Colin Kaepernick?

That’s a good question, since usually it’s Ray doing the crucifying. Provided the nails have a handle.

Wakezilla
Member

I mean, at least a few months ago, he supported him in that he told Koep to shutup and do activist stuff on the DL.

This just sounds like Biscotti paid Stabby to say this to justify Baltimore signing arena league QBs

Senor Weaselo
Member

Columbus Circle statue showdown! Shit’s gon’ go down!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, over/under on number of stabbings with those gimmick glasses outside Gillette Terror-drome?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

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Wakezilla
Member

“The NHL has had these for years based on goal scoring; the Penguins ones burn out by Christmas, whereas the Canucks ones gather dust.”

Montréal’s used to go off whenever PK Subban touched the puck. The seperatist media that ran PK out of Montréal agree, there was something ‘off’ about him.

PS: Good zinger!

Senor Weaselo
Member

There’s the ASL translator on the bottom-left. No idea on when Bloomberg comes in to translate everything into Spanish.
(Balls, Don, et al… I’m sorry.)

Wakezilla
Member

God damnit, Oregon, control your fires! Second straight day Vancouver looks like a world war III dystopia where the air is so shitty, you get sick smelling the air.

On a related note, this is the second straight day I’ve had a migraine and I know it’s because of the smome infested air.

King Hippo
Member

I’ve had two straight days of “hurricane’s a comin'” migraines.

Yours seem cooler than mines.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I have been holed up in my bedroom all day and I’m afraid to leave the apartment. This fire broke me.

Senor Weaselo
Member

It seems I have the NYC mayoral debate. Wait, it’s the pre-primary debate? Wait, it’s the Democratic pre-primary debate? As in there’s someone running against the incumbent in his own party? Yeah, that sounds about right, all things considered.

Senor Weaselo
Member

It’s $18 American, so it would be Maestro burning a $50 bill. Because it’s Canadian.

Wakezilla
Member

I’m still kicking myself for not buying $1000 US back when the Canadian dollar was stronger/on par with the US dollar. I’d be like a millionaire cashing that in now

litre_cola
Member

Wake, my parents who are retired traded up their park model to a home on a golf course when real estate crashed in Phoenix. remortgaged condo up here, now they have made that mortgage back and are “Snow Mexicans”. Meanwhile I lost 75K in the market crash on my place.

Wakezilla
Member

Oof. When I move to Calgary in September, Imma buy you a drink for that one.

wpDiscuz