Your “Finally! A Valid Excuse For Day-Drinking” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

It’s here. A full slate of games (except for the ones not being played due to Mother Nature’s shenanigans) to wallow in. Do you have your Doritos, chicken wings, crackers, nachos, bacon-wrapped scallops, pickles, vegetable tray(!?), mozza sticks, pretzels, popcorn, chips, jerky, onion rings, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in front of you? I do. This day is the bestest as far as I’m concerned and that’s without the Pats being 0-1. Let’s not dawdle-To The Games!

NYJ/Buf: The fight for the AFC East basement begins anew between a team (the Bills) that is obviously tanking versus another (the Jetskis) that seems to regard tanking as a core organizational philosophy.

Atl/Chi: It should be a long season in Chicago. Cutler scurried away as did Alshon Jeffery and then wr Meredith was lost for the year. That’s quite a bit of skilled players to lose year over year. The Atlanta front office has thrown a considerable amount of research funding at a group of scientists that are trying to replicate the memory-wipe thingy from the Men In Black movie.

Bal/Cin: Rb Mixon begins his inevitable unseating of Jeremy Hill from the starting slot but it should be the passing game that is the game decider. Dalton worked to create a rapport with Tyler Boyd after AJ Green went down last year. The latter is back and there is also Top 5 te Eifert in the mix. And don’t forget about little Giovanni coming out of the backfield.

Pit/Cle: Pour one out for DeShone Kizer. He’s going to have the longest year of any player in the league. The ‘d’ stands for demoralized.

Ari/Det: Final score 51-48. You should probably take the over.

Jax/Hou: The Jags have more than their share of young-ish talent. Is this the year when that finally translates into “W”s? I think they’re one more year away but they seem headed in the right direction.

Oak/Ten: Qb Carr has a new OC this year that is giving him greater freedom to change plays at the line of scrimmage. I foresee wr Cooper destroying his previous career highs across the board.

Phi/Was: The Dacteds have won five straight against their divisional kin and get them at home to start the year. Qb Cousins has two new wr’s in Pryor and Doctson but the key to his success comes down to the (according to Football Outsiders) second-ranked pass protecting O-line unit in front of him.

NOW GO GET ‘EM MATEYS!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
804 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Senor Weaselo

Holy shit, the Jets scored points!

blaxabbath

False!

King Hippo

Canyonero, YA!!!

Dick E. Phuck

Nietzsche was wrong when he said God was dead.

Doktor Zymm

9 minutes remaining in the half? I swear there hasn’t been 21 minutes of football played here….

JustStopDude

“Hey mom…its me…Larry”

comment image

“I know you are gone, but I want you to know you live through me. You told me to always see things through and to focus on the big picture”

“I just wanted to tell you mom…I did it. WE did it”

comment image

Larry Fitzgerald
University of Phoenix graduate
Bachelor of Fine Arts Certification in Communicatorial Arts

And now…successful at eating a oatmeal for breakfast without chocking.

Bortleback

I work in higher education, and it astounds me that people pay over outrageous amounts of money to these fly-by-night “universities” for essentially a worthless piece of paper

blaxabbath

NOT LIKE MY SWEET STATE SCHOOL PIECE OF PAPER THAT ONLY COST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!

Mother Puncher

What’re you drinking?

I’m drinking Dayquil because my disgusting students gave me strep 3 weeks into the year.

ballsofsteelandfury

Orange Drank?

Senor Weaselo

I had a Wild Cherry Pepsi (got the wrong one at the deli). I’d drink harder stuff but I’m meeting up with my friend for dinner and I’d like to be sober wandering around midtown Manhattan with her.

hippofant

Something something passing is easier than ever something something new era of offensive records something something spread offense something something DERP DERP DERP

Beerguyrob

ALL HAIL BLEERGH & SHAN’KHOR!!!

King Hippo

RED ROCKET! RED ROCKET!!

Beerguyrob

What is “Eli Manning seeing his dog’s penis?”

blaxabbath

Arby’s is now pushing their partnership with Mountain Dew?!

Wow — at least they’re sticking with the theme.

ballsofsteelandfury

If they can get a special flavor like Baja Blast with Taco Bell, they’re in good shape.

herodotus450

Code Red Roast Beef?

Dick E. Phuck

Giving new meaning to the phrase: “I have a bad case of the runs.”

ArmedandHammered

More like “sprints”.

The Maestro

needs moar appalachian coal in the recipes,,,smh

Romonobyl

Right now Brock Lobster is sitting in plastic Game of Thrones replica chair, petting a long-haired Siamese cat and mumbling “excellent” under his breath over and over again.

blaxabbath

Latest 3rd and 1 audible call by DET: “Orlando”

Results was a screen for a -1 (and the WR getting shellacked). DET to punt.

Bortleback

Years and/or owners

Doktor Zymm

They need more than a few more years…sigh

Beerguyrob

Franchise tags don’t pay for quality offensive lines.

blaxabbath

MOAR TARGETING NEEDED!

King Hippo

BLEERGH-gasm

blaxabbath

I do respect Golden Tate III though.

The Maestro

For cucking Russell Wilson?

ballsofsteelandfury

there needs to be a blonde porn star named Golden Taint

Beerguyrob

The plot started wandering after Golden Tate II.

Dick E. Phuck

I haven’t seen anyone overcome Gangrene like this since Joe Lister pioneered antiseptic medicine.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that where Listerine came from?

Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, kind of. It was named after him if I remember correctly.

Beerguyrob

I made the first football breakfast of the season. Roasted potatoes, back bacon, scrambled eggs.

FULL OF GAS & READY FOR FOOTBALL!

blaxabbath

BeerGuyRalph made it!

Dick E. Phuck

“FULL OF GAS & READY FOR FOOTBALL!”
– Andy Reid

Smithchez

That’s right, Jets. Lose. Lose like the losing losers you are.

Horatio Cornblower

15 times this season, minimum.

The Maestro

Man, I am in heaven right now. I don’t think I’m ever gonna move away from my TV ever again.

Doktor Zymm

Kirk is gonna throw this season so he doesn’t get franchised a third time (can they even do that?)

blaxabbath

I’d get franchised the third time, take a career’s worth of money, and ride off into my less-CTE’d sunset.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I mean, the R3dskins suck, but franchised players make bank. It’s not that bad a deal for him.

Gratliff

I wonder, if you botch the catch on a punt return and drop it, does your brain have enough time to recognize that you’re about to get murdered by like 5 people throwing you off the ball?

Romonobyl

Man, I can’t wait to start not watching Young Sheldon.

Horatio Cornblower

Wait, they’re really doing that!?

Romonobyl

Same reaction I had.

Beerguyrob

Are the Redacteds already at mid season derpage?

Gratliff

Some amazing derp in Fed Ex field this afternoon

Romonobyl

I see your FedEx field and raise one NRG stadium.

blaxabbath

Lions ran out a pooched kick from the end zone.

First and 10 from the 7.

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t seen the Reds***s give things up this easily since the Dutch bought Manhattan.

blaxabbath

Not their fault that beanie babies didn’t hold their value!

litre_cola

My baseball cards are still ok right?

Horatio Cornblower

Someday my rookie Don Mattingly card will pay off!

Beerguyrob

Not if he has those damned hippie sideburns!

Dick E. Phuck

Leaving a trail of tears all over the FedEx dirt clod.

King Hippo

well somebody likes being on the banner ah see

Horatio Cornblower

I have so little else…

hippofant

Del Rio knows to give it to Lynch on the goalline.

blaxabbath

Joe Staley will never score a touchdown simply because he plays for the 49ers.

Horatio Cornblower

O/U on number of musicals in the debut of “Orvile” is set at 4. Place your bets accordingly.

...

Do people like Seth McFarlane enough to actually watch that?

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t mind him and I have no intention of watching it.

litre_cola

I like McFarlane but there is no chance of me watching that.

Romonobyl

What about weed references?

Horatio Cornblower

Off the board.

Romonobyl

I wonder how much the Jags got price-gouged for their flight out of Jacksonville?

Gratliff

I’m sure the fans put up the money themselves

Romonobyl

One way tickets?

Horatio Cornblower

“Let’s Live How We Dance”

Alone?

Dick E. Phuck
Romonobyl

If I lived like I danced I’d be dead by nightfall.

Doktor Zymm

And Glennon sacked on 3rd and 8. That’s more like what I was expecting.

King Hippo

KizerDOWN!!! #ThePauls

blaxabbath

#ThePauls

blaxabbath

Lions got pegged for leaping on ARI FG.

First and goal for ARI on the 6.

The Lions suck.

Dick E. Phuck

The browns are streaking down the Steelers.

King Hippo

Matt Dayes (NC State!!!) getting meaningful reps FOAR The Pauls, yay!

herodotus450

Yards for Dayes

blaxabbath

Lions are putting 6 men on David Johnson.

Horatio Cornblower

“Lucky” – A. Rodgers

Dick E. Phuck

Um…Phrasing?

Smithchez

Lions punter channeling his inner Orlovsky?

Brick Meathook

comment image

Romonobyl

When did the Jags start understanding the concept secondary coverage?

Doktor Zymm

The Bears got a first down….Glennon did a good….WEIRD

blaxabbath

Lions fans booing as punter drops the snap in the end zone and runs out to get tackled at the 10.

Horatio Cornblower

They should be cheering; at least he didn’t go Full Orlovsky.

Dick E. Phuck

Sounds like a pretty decent day in Detroit.

Smithchez

Nothing’s on fire (yet), so that’s a win

Smithchez

Afternoon, you sly sexy mofos. Just got back from lunch, so I’m assuming I’ve already missed some manner of Jets fuckery.

King Hippo

The Pauls on the march!

blaxabbath

Lion’s just ran an audible called “Cleveland” — it was a shovel pass right into the ground for intentional grounding.

Gratliff

Oh, Iggles. Sad, sad Iggles.

Doktor Zymm

This thing where they’re moving the FL teams game to November….so they just have a week 1 bye and no other bye now? That’s pretty shitty, kinda defeats the point of a bye.

King Hippo

Don’t go on IR, you gritty shithead. I need bye week help.

blaxabbath

Stafford needs to just heave it up to Megatron.

JustStopDude

Survivor is still on the air?!?!

Who the fuck watches that shit???

blaxabbath

People who subscribe to the Experion Dark Web Scan.

You know, suckers.

Horatio Cornblower

Survivalists.

blaxabbath

I feel like I have all of Quotables vids I need already. And we’re half an hour into the season.