Your “Gimmee More” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!

Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)

Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.

Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.

 

Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Experien would probably have better luck advertising their “dark web scan” during football games if they described it as an “athletic web scan” so their viewers will hear the correct dogwhistle.

blaxabbath

“The dark web users have a lot of…hustle.”

Dick E. Phuck

“Those dark web users sure do talk a lot of sass, don’t they?”

blaxabbath

“If your information is on the dark web, you just might have a line of credit at the local Church’s Chicken.”

Dick E. Phuck

“All those dark web members do is kill each other. Those areas need to be policed!”

Dick E. Phuck

That linebacker the Niners drafted, the one with a bunch of injury issues, got injured.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The same one that Oakland fans went ballistic over the team passing on?

Dick E. Phuck

The very same

Doktor Zymm

I’m entertained that everyone in my league is below projection except Hippo and Litre, who are playing each other

Romonobyl

I have a feeling the late game is going to require a safe word.

Doktor Zymm

Avril Showers bring May Flowers? Wait, no, he’s not playing right now, and that doesn’t make sense anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I actually didn’t mind Tony Romo as an announcer today.

Spur

Get fucked Rodgers

Romonobyl

Down goes Aaron Rodgers…

King Hippo

Joe sure sounded enthused

Doktor Zymm

I’m happy I have two games now, but I would rather have a CBS early game. Leaving me with only the Bears game is like some sort of Peace Crime.

ThePirateSloth

My post got ate!

LeighAnne

Correction: your post was ejected because the refs don’t like it when Rodgers is intercepted.

The Maestro

*wakes up, rubs eyes, looks at JAX-HOU score*
*rubs eyes again*

You guys trying to troll me or something?

Doktor Zymm

You know what, my team doesn’t suck. My lineup setting skills and the wisdom of crowds and Yahoo projections suck.

Dick E. Phuck

I SEE THROUGH THE LIES OF THE JEDI

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I see dead people.”

– Aaron Hernandez, reflecting upon his new surroundings.

blaxabbath

“I’m going to continue to be a bottom here.” — Aaron Hernandez, reflecting upon his new surroundings.

Dick E. Phuck

So the Panthers may suck complete ass and Cam’s shoulder is actually dead.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I’d probably feel worse about those bad calls if we weren’t playing Seattle. Never forgive, never forget.

Doktor Zymm

The Rams painted murals guys! They’re totally stealing the hearts and minds of the community! You can totally tell by the game attendance!

blaxabbath

All those kids who they gave free tickets to just sold them for spray paint money and now they’re tagging over those murals.

Brocky

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blaxabbath

Listening to Cardinals post-game show because I cannot watch SEA right now and STL/IND looks like a mid-major game on the teevee.

Everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that Arizona, a sucky team, sucks.

King Hippo

tell David Johnson his wrist can’t be broke

Romonobyl

Arizona, where old football players go to die.

Doktor Zymm

Not just old football players, lots of old people!

litre_cola

See you all there in 20 years! I am more of an ASU guy, fuck Glendale.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I’ll always have a soft spot for them because of the time they knocked the Vikings out of the division title and sent the Packers to the playoffs at the last second. The receiver who caught the pass got invited to the Packers’ playoff game and got the key to the city.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL8S4G9zFK8

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Am very much enjoying this Beerito amber from Oskar Blues. Was pretty much the only thing that wasn’t an IPA available at Target.

...

You will drink my dodecatuple IPA and you WILL love it.

/purees hops and pours the goo into a bottle

ThePirateSloth
King Hippo

Baby Buster doesn’t block super good

Sharkbait

HAIL BLERGH!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Am I supposed to be impressed by the Michelob Ultra guy who is bench pressing 70 lbs?

/maxed out at 100 earlier today.

Dick E. Phuck

If someone made a drinking game where you had to take a shot every time an announcer mentioned Sean McVay’s youth, you’d probably be dead by the start of the 3rd quarter.

Doktor Zymm

That’s actually the criterion I use to design my drinking games

King Hippo

They let the OKC bomber out on work release to coach an NFL team??

Spur

Favor for Steve Bannon

Spur

Fuck you Green Bay, you cheating fat fucking cheese headed fuck boys.

King Hippo

Pretty fucking lame ejection

technodanvan

“Scott Tolzien passed to Andrew Luck to the left for 9 yard gain. Andrew Luck fumbled”

Oh, Yahoo…

King Hippo

HODOR!

Romonobyl

That’s a pretty weak ejection.

Wakezilla

Lane’s ejection was bullshit

Dick E. Phuck

So the refs jobbed the Seahawks in favor of Green Bay? I’m Shocked, Shocked I tell you.

Doktor Zymm

False Start is my favorite dance move

Romonobyl

Also defines my recent sex life.

Doktor Zymm

They do say that how you dance indicates how you are in bed

Romonobyl

Then how do I have a child?

Romonobyl

You clearly aren’t a lawyer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I think I’m a great lover when I’m drunk?

Brocky

and they don’t even show a picture of the “illegal block in the back”

its not “fail mary bad” but that’s one of the most blatant biased calls I’ve seen in some time

Gratliff

But is it worse than the refs in Philly-Slurs making up a missed grounding call by allowing a blatantly forward progress attempt become a clinching fumble recovery TD?

Brocky

Yes.

Both those are east coast teams with reasonable bias for both teams.

Green bay is the “heartland” which needs all the help it can get

Spur

Lane was busy having his helmet ripped off. Eject the packers player too, or don’t call anything

Shogun Marcus

So #20 said the secret word?

Doktor Zymm

Thank You, Hilton, for this lovely football you dropped

herodotus450

Thank You, (Paris) Hilton, for this lovely football you dropped

Doktor Zymm

Wow, the Bungles seriously goosegged? Gingers, smgdh.

Romonobyl

Who got ejaculated?

Spur

ejected after one personal foul?

LeighAnne

“You are not allowed to intercept Rodgers in Lambeau, so we’re ejecting one of your players.”

Spur

FAT BOY TD!!

Brocky

bail out flag for the packers in 3…2…1..

Brocky

I’m so fucking sick of being right

Wakezilla

Fat man touchdown for C Hox d!!!!!!!!

Romonobyl

Coming back.

...

lol Aaron Rodgers can’t run down a defensive lineman.

Petronel

Almost looked as if he was thinking at the end “And what happens when I get there? Not as if I can tackle him…”

Brocky

He knew the bail out was coming

WCS

FATGUYDOWN

Brick Meathook

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litre_cola

YESSSSSSSSSSS

King Hippo

If only someone could find a 2nd word for the “athletic” black QB…

DontHair

Dynamic?

herodotus450

Passionate?

DontHair

Well spoken?

Wakezilla

I thought it was Controversial

Gratliff

I think PewDiePie just gave us a possible option

Senor Weaselo

Gifted?

Doktor Zymm

Shifty

JustStopDude

“Selfish”

Romonobyl

Used to be wide receiver?

Brick Meathook

Matured

Dick E. Phuck

Flashy

Romonobyl

I’m good with that as long as the older guys are called “spry” and the smaller ones will always be “scrappy”.

Wakezilla

Can you verrit code this?

...

So my window is open at it seems I have loud Packer fan neighbors. Awesome.