[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)
Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.
Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.
Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.
Experien would probably have better luck advertising their “dark web scan” during football games if they described it as an “athletic web scan” so their viewers will hear the correct dogwhistle.
“The dark web users have a lot of…hustle.”
“Those dark web users sure do talk a lot of sass, don’t they?”
“If your information is on the dark web, you just might have a line of credit at the local Church’s Chicken.”
“All those dark web members do is kill each other. Those areas need to be policed!”
That linebacker the Niners drafted, the one with a bunch of injury issues, got injured.
The same one that Oakland fans went ballistic over the team passing on?
The very same
I’m entertained that everyone in my league is below projection except Hippo and Litre, who are playing each other
I have a feeling the late game is going to require a safe word.
Avril Showers bring May Flowers? Wait, no, he’s not playing right now, and that doesn’t make sense anyway.
So I actually didn’t mind Tony Romo as an announcer today.
Get fucked Rodgers
Down goes Aaron Rodgers…
Joe sure sounded enthused
Who’s the lucky guy?
I’m happy I have two games now, but I would rather have a CBS early game. Leaving me with only the Bears game is like some sort of Peace Crime.
My post got ate!
Correction: your post was ejected because the refs don’t like it when Rodgers is intercepted.
*wakes up, rubs eyes, looks at JAX-HOU score*
*rubs eyes again*
You guys trying to troll me or something?
You know what, my team doesn’t suck. My lineup setting skills and the wisdom of crowds and Yahoo projections suck.
I SEE THROUGH THE LIES OF THE JEDI
“I see dead people.”
– Aaron Hernandez, reflecting upon his new surroundings.
“I’m going to continue to be a bottom here.” — Aaron Hernandez, reflecting upon his new surroundings.
So the Panthers may suck complete ass and Cam’s shoulder is actually dead.
I’d probably feel worse about those bad calls if we weren’t playing Seattle. Never forgive, never forget.
The Rams painted murals guys! They’re totally stealing the hearts and minds of the community! You can totally tell by the game attendance!
All those kids who they gave free tickets to just sold them for spray paint money and now they’re tagging over those murals.
Listening to Cardinals post-game show because I cannot watch SEA right now and STL/IND looks like a mid-major game on the teevee.
Everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that Arizona, a sucky team, sucks.
tell David Johnson his wrist can’t be broke
Arizona, where old football players go to die.
Not just old football players, lots of old people!
See you all there in 20 years! I am more of an ASU guy, fuck Glendale.
I’ll always have a soft spot for them because of the time they knocked the Vikings out of the division title and sent the Packers to the playoffs at the last second. The receiver who caught the pass got invited to the Packers’ playoff game and got the key to the city.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL8S4G9zFK8
Am very much enjoying this Beerito amber from Oskar Blues. Was pretty much the only thing that wasn’t an IPA available at Target.
You will drink my dodecatuple IPA and you WILL love it.
/purees hops and pours the goo into a bottle
My life as a Seahawks fan, in gifs:
http://gifimage.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/happy-then-sad-gif-3.gif
Baby Buster doesn’t block super good
HAIL BLERGH!
Am I supposed to be impressed by the Michelob Ultra guy who is bench pressing 70 lbs?
/maxed out at 100 earlier today.
If someone made a drinking game where you had to take a shot every time an announcer mentioned Sean McVay’s youth, you’d probably be dead by the start of the 3rd quarter.
That’s actually the criterion I use to design my drinking games
They let the OKC bomber out on work release to coach an NFL team??
Favor for Steve Bannon
Fuck you Green Bay, you cheating fat fucking cheese headed fuck boys.
Pretty fucking lame ejection
“Scott Tolzien passed to Andrew Luck to the left for 9 yard gain. Andrew Luck fumbled”
Oh, Yahoo…
Yeah, the guy’s name is Hodor. Get it right.
HODOR!
That’s a pretty weak ejection.
Lane’s ejection was bullshit
So the refs jobbed the Seahawks in favor of Green Bay? I’m Shocked, Shocked I tell you.
False Start is my favorite dance move
Also defines my recent sex life.
They do say that how you dance indicates how you are in bed
Then how do I have a child?
You can’t. You’re a guy. smgdh
You clearly aren’t a lawyer.
Uh, I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
So I think I’m a great lover when I’m drunk?
and they don’t even show a picture of the “illegal block in the back”
its not “fail mary bad” but that’s one of the most blatant biased calls I’ve seen in some time
But is it worse than the refs in Philly-Slurs making up a missed grounding call by allowing a blatantly forward progress attempt become a clinching fumble recovery TD?
Yes.
Both those are east coast teams with reasonable bias for both teams.
Green bay is the “heartland” which needs all the help it can get
Lane was busy having his helmet ripped off. Eject the packers player too, or don’t call anything
So #20 said the secret word?
Thank You, Hilton, for this lovely football you dropped
If you are Frank Gore playing against the Ram D, you still have breakaway speed.
Wow, the Bungles seriously goosegged? Gingers, smgdh.
Who got ejaculated?
ejected after one personal foul?
“You are not allowed to intercept Rodgers in Lambeau, so we’re ejecting one of your players.”
FAT BOY TD!!
bail out flag for the packers in 3…2…1..
I’m so fucking sick of being right
Fat man touchdown for C Hox d!!!!!!!!
Coming back.
lol Aaron Rodgers can’t run down a defensive lineman.
Almost looked as if he was thinking at the end “And what happens when I get there? Not as if I can tackle him…”
He knew the bail out was coming
FATGUYDOWN
YESSSSSSSSSSS
I think I just heard the new code word that replaces ‘gritty’ to describe white wide receivers. COME ON DOWN, “SAVVY”.
If only someone could find a 2nd word for the “athletic” black QB…
Dynamic?
Passionate?
Well spoken?
I thought it was Controversial
I think PewDiePie just gave us a possible option
Gifted?
Shifty
“Selfish”
Used to be wide receiver?
Matured
Flashy
I’m good with that as long as the older guys are called “spry” and the smaller ones will always be “scrappy”.
Can you verrit code this?
So my window is open at it seems I have loud Packer fan neighbors. Awesome.