[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)
Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.
Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.
Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.
At least 2 clips by Packers o-line, zero calls
Backpage promotion : You can fuck as many holes as the Packers D has
https://giphy.com/gifs/highqualitygifs-fetish-mM2sBYnLYKjew
Goddamn, that was an amazing throw by Rodgers.
SO MANY QUESTION MARKS!
“There can only be one.”
-The Mysterians
I’m crying
If I’m not mistaken, Lester Bangs called it the quintessential rock tune because of its simplicity.
Rodgers “who the fuck was supposed to be holding #52?!”
Carroll: “Don’t ask me, I’m having enough trouble holding in this #2”
These refs have done such a good job, as soon as Garvin it Rodgers, I just assumed he was getting a penalty
Last name’s not Brady.
Patrick Warburton Tick or GTFO.
So, on Thursday Houston and Cincinnati are playing. Probably in the rainy remains of Hurricane Irma.
The Derps will be plenty.
http://m.quickmeme.com/img/3f/3f3782337ef022a2ea30db991eb09cf9fefcb60a5be8c87b9714025cac205d85.jpg
I don’t understand that commercial. I should drink more so I stop trying.
Move the Raiders there too.
Raiders fans in L.A. would actually show up.
I think it’s too late for the Red Cross to do anything for the Rams, but it’s nice to see them care.
I have a temporary, new-found respect for the Packers D.
You’ve made it longer than us natives.
Pace yourself, it’s only game 1. You get too disgruntled too quickly and you’ll have nowhere to go when McCarthy kicks a field goal from the 1 yard line.
Hey PirateSloth, it seems that I just missed you at the Brewers Fest in July.
New toupee for Dom Capers. Same defense though.
The teams with the “modern” uniforms, i.e. Seahawks with the neon, and Buccs with the digital clocks, it’s all just a flying leap into the 1980s. Ten years from now we’ll get a team with flannel pants cause they’ll just be getting to grunge.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This demand for seats is why LA needed 2 teams.
and u can see y the Shitty Clippers think they can get $200 minimum per
They should play both games at the same time, then they might get up to 40% capacity
I like angry Pete Carroll.
He’s only angry because his adult diaper is leaking
Loose stools can’t melt leaky diapers
I wish I could like that twice
Todd Gurley is so awesome. Too bad he’s on a team owned by Satan.
Shoot packers fans
WOOOOOOOOOOOO
I see your point and it’s merit, but go…
James from Phoenix: “If Palmer needs this much rest where he can’t play preseason, can’t practice half the time during the week, then we need to get Gabbert in there.” Goes on to talk about how this seems to make the offense seem unprepared.
Hosts are like, “Well, I’m sure we’ll get a lot of calls about this but, you know, Palmer has thrown to these WRs for years. Big picture, we need better play from the whole team. Sure, Palmer didn’t throw well but 55 rushing yards is no good.”
DO YOU THINK PALMER’S SHITTY PASSING IS PART OF THE REASON DETROIT WAS ABLE TO PACK THE BOX TO STUFF THE RUN????
GET ME THE FLOW!!
“We need to get Gabbert in there” is a thing someone said ever!?
Well, it’s not like there’s a Super Bowl-level QB just sitting by the phone.
I may root for a team with a racist name and a huge history of racism, but I’m moving to a place with a team that’s racist way more recently. So yeah, I’ll either become a Raiders fan, or be the only Redacteds fan on the West Coast.
I don’t know anything about Doyle, but he just sounds like a member of the Boston Mob
He’s best buddies with Sully and Mikey.
you ain’t seen nuttin
Doyle Rules!
Welp, Avril down;?no more Houses for Haiti.
grumble grumble BOOTSTRAPS
Live Game Report: Cincinnati-Baltimore
Whole. Eee. Shyte.
Half of Dalton’s derps was his fault, but in his defense, his line was not giving him any time so he was in fear for his life. If this line doesn’t improve, he won’t survive the year.
Highlight of Day: Near the end of the Raven’s 3rd Qtr. 9 1/2 minute hike down the field, Dre Kirkpatrick celebrated a deflected pass like he won the Super Bowl. By them the fans have turned against the home crowd big time so people were booing him for celebrating doing his job while his team is down 17-0. When the Bengals stopped the Ravens on 3rd Down, Kirkpatrick made the mistake of turning around and trying to get the fans to cheer loudly. Everyone in Sections 126-130 responded by telling him to shut up and go to the sidelines.
Jon Ryan – MVP of the season. I’m calling it now.
New Year, Same Tomsulas
Fuck the packers
Cooper “Two Girls One” Kupp
Just switched channels, which Ram is dead?
Second caller is ripping on Richard so now the hosts are all bonding with him because they’re like, “Yeah, we do a great job!” and Bill in Scottsdale is like, “You sure are.”
I can almost see Hillary standing by her Goldman Sachs Radio holding up her arms like, “Come on!”
Scottsdale? Pfft.
I heard if you spend too much time in Scottsdale you turn into Cindy McCain.
Not sure if it’s watching two teams I hate play each other but I’m grumpy now.
When did Green Bay get cheerleaders?
They should call them “cheeseleaders”.
I am on board with this
The team doesn’t have official cheerleaders, but we occasionally borrow the ones from UW-Green Bay
First caller to the Cards postgame show is ripping the cards media. He’s sick of broadcasters covering Palmer and trying to make up excuses for CP3, including blaming receivers when Arians said is was on Palmer. He said we should demand new broadcasters who will tell it like it is, calling out the media members by name for their coverage.
He stopped short of #FakeNews but he’s got the hosts pissed. I love Richard from Mesa so much.
Jesus I can see his red MAGA hat from here.
He has a valid point but, man, it’s the Cards flagship. You think they’ll ever admit that they’re basically just water carriers for the Bidwills?
This is why you shouldn’t name your team after BABY horses. They are not strong yet.
The Mighty Kuntar
“Huh?”
– Kareem Hunt
I think I have a stronger arm than Goff. This guy makes Sam Bradford look like Hercules.
All that masturbating has finally paid some dividends.
How do I feed the wolf that lives inside me?
Cocaine?
an answer for all seasons!
Eat a burger?
[nods sagely]
– Rob Ryan
Kick Liam Neeson’s ass?
Oh, Bennett, don’t taunt there. That might be a flag from the Green Bay refs
I haven’t seen a Bennett regret taunting someone so much since Commando.
https://giphy.com/gifs/arnold-schwarzenegger-commando-vernon-wells-95BxEZeaMmyL6
This made my internetting day
I’m not gonna shoot you between the eyes. I’m gonna shoot you between the balls!
http://i.imgur.com/d9T1xJm.gif
GET A GOD DAMN FIRST DOWN SEAHAWKS
Forget Hard Knocks, I want to watch an updated Odd Couple where it’s Tom Coughlin and Pete Carroll as roomates.
May I cast Rob Ryan as the kooky neighboUr please?
“I can babysit!” – Marc Trestman
And Nick Saban is the weird neighbor who keeps dropping by.
Why not both?
Yo
HAI
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/07/ralph-wave.gif
Great strategy by green bay: get the right corner ejected, then throw a bunch of passes on that side of the field
I wish we had that kind of power. It would make things much easier.
Donald Trump’s America’s Game of the Week
what happened to your avatar?
A football hit him in the testicles.
I would pay good money to see that happen to Donald Trump.
I have absolutely no idea.
so far, my decision to buy Gurley instead of Howard as my 2nd RB seems wise.
The highlight of my day: https://twitter.com/NFL/status/906968493962125312
After seeing/hearing the 100th commercial/billboard about the county beverage tax, I hate every single person involved both pro and against it.
Why didn’t I draft Golloday? Why?
RAAAAMMMITTT
RAMIT!! on O, RAMIT!! on D. All day, all night. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAMIT!!!!
Basketball player, basketball player, basketball player.
Hoping he appears.
is Baby Buster reasonably OK now? Or is this just Humps humpin?
In all honesty he looked pretty good against the Raiders in preseason. I know, I know, but Carr was shit as a rookie too and he turned things around.
Hot ham water is Mike McCarthys safe word in the bedroom
Hot ham water is Andy Reid’s power beverage.
Fatckle for loss!