Your “Gimmee More” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!

Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)

Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.

Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.

 

Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.

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Redshirt

So my dad said they got sports Play-by-Play Commentators to report on the hurricane landfall because that’s what they do, report things happening at real time. They missed a perfect opportunity to get Color Commentators.

“This is what all that training and development in the Atlantic is for. The storm is able to stay off the coast to keep most of its power, rotate towards the coastline and BOOM! the waves take out the pier.”

King Hippo

again, this is why we need to be collecting money to donate directly to the Hurricane

Doktor Zymm

Uno mas point fur mir!

Clipboard Jesus

Someone found the world’s worst jersey
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Smithchez

That is just…atrocious

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ha ha ha look at that guy standing on his toes trying to make himself look taller!”

– Danny Woodhead, getting fitted for 3″ lifts.

Petronel

Make that two of ’em.

Doktor Zymm

I know the half and half jersey is a thing, but I’m still waiting for the poorly tailored quartered jersey

King Hippo

Newton’s shoulder is so bad he can’t even make his little “first down” gesture right

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Raiders had to call up a kicker from the practice squad for today’s game (Seabass is now on IR) and he went 4-4 including two 50+ yarders. Margin of victory was 10. Nice story.

King Hippo

He might wanna be careful about leaving his water bottle unattended once it gets closer to week 7-8…

ThePirateSloth

I’m ready to make some insanely asinine proclamation that if the Seahawks/Packers game ends as 3-0, I’ll chug a bottle of Jager or something equally stupid. Then I remember my luck, Darrell Fucking Bevell, and general Seahawks play… and yea. I’d die of alcohol poisoning.

Spur

Holy shit Bennett has tiny shoulder pads

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well with that kind of physique he barely needs them.

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Dick E. Phuck

Y’know what today is Matrix?

Doktor Zymm

The Rams D is gonna be about 1/3 of my fantasy team’s points. I’m okay with that.

Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

RAMIT!!!! defense may save me in my money league.

Doktor Zymm

Burrito : ordered

The Maestro

Damn, I could really go for a burrito.

Mr. Ayo

Code Red : ordered

Redshirt

…and of course I don’t have the Red Zone Preview.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t either. Otherwise I never would have watched an entire Bears game.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My wife pointed out that we have a Red Zone preview this afternoon and my response was “why bother?”

Sharkbait

OK. Cut the shit this half Aaron. If you’re good, you get the gimp later.

WCS

The gimp’s sleeping.

Redshirt

“Well wake his ass up! We gotta win today!”
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...

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Sharkbait

“Seems legit”

–Kyrie Irving

King Hippo

/guy who was academically accepted to Duke University, a school that struts about allegedly not making academic exemptions

ThePirateSloth

Portland area halftime coverage: cut to local news to show Patriot Prayer rallies and counter protests in Portland and Vancouver, WA. Spoiler: no one is doing shit in Vancouver and tear gas has been deployed in downtown Portland. No one is surprised

King Hippo

Drunk last night, I DID tell you all to bet the family farm on RAMIT!!!

Your dumb fault FOAR not taking me srsly

...

These late games are terrible.

King Hippo

having just 3 limits choice unacceptably

technodanvan

Halfway through week 1 and the complaints start rolling in. smgdh

King Hippo

Yeah, I’mma admit it. Baby Buster’s balls have dropped.

Bortleback

What the fuck is a young sheldon and how can I make sure I never have to watch it?

herodotus450

Are you familiar with Sophocles?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Why, is the kid ugly or something?”

– Brad Childress

the Alpha and the Amoeba

B A Z I N G A

the Alpha and the Amoeba

And that’s why it’s important to wear a cup, kids!

Redshirt
Shogun Marcus

First ejection from packer game is from…

Alaska?! Wtf?

King Hippo

yes, RAMIT!!! was my pick in both Survivor pools.

Redshirt

Wow. BLEERGH is bringing his A-game in GB-SEA.

King Hippo

Humps are buttttttt

Doktor Zymm

THWAK! CLUNK! WOOF!

Redshirt

Rams are winning?!

Sharkbait

If the Rams are winning and nobody is there to see it, did they really win?

Doktor Zymm

You looked at who they were playing right?

Dick E. Phuck

Kelvin Benjamin and “skinny post” are two things I did not think I’d hear uttered in the same sentence.

ThePirateSloth

WHOOOOOOOOOO

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King Hippo

oh, RAMIT!!!

Dick E. Phuck

Blair Walsh is alive!

Shogun Marcus

There’s the defense I’m used to! Whew! I can’t handle cromulence.

JustStopDude

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herodotus450

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King Hippo

well, this is quite the turn of events

WCS

Packers D getting charmed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve swam (swum?) now I gotta shower and get food. I’d really rather just start dranking n smoking, but my belly disagrees. Stupid belly.

Unsurprised

Fuck this.

...

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King Hippo

nil-nil at the half, Lesser Footy has broken out in WI

Doktor Zymm

Tonight on NCIS:Los Angeles….a crowd of people mysteriously disappears, is it foul play, or just general disinterest in NFL Football?

Petronel

Yes, as the play is indeed foul.

Shogun Marcus

Well played.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Over/under on how many games until the Rams take a leaf out of the Radskins playbook and start covering up seats to disguise the poor attendance?

...

TARPIT!

King Hippo

time to take 3 knees! EXCITE!!

Wakezilla

Hey Redshirt, does My little Pony have lots of singing? If so, what are the well known songs? Trying to weene my daughter off the depressing Hello Kitty stuff

the Alpha and the Amoeba

This is far and away the best MLP song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3z7SBiQegc

technodanvan
the Alpha and the Amoeba

What fresh hell is this?

Redshirt

Yes, My Little Pony has lots of songs. They actually hire three voice actresses to sing for three characters because the main voice actors either don’t live in Canada, can’t sing in their character’s voice without hurting voice, or can’t sing. I would go on YouTube to find some.

The music director really does make some great songs. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t poached him yet.

Personally I prefer “The Smile Song”, “A Friend in Deed”, or any songs in Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks.

Unsurprised

Tomsula looks weird without the mustache.

King Hippo

Cam ain’t right at all. Ought not be on the field.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I hope the Packers eventually retire Donald Driver’s number. He was a great player and a class act.

...

This reminds me of the WYTS story about how a bunch of Wisconsinites thought a random black guy in a restaurant was Donald Driver and the dude just went along with it for fun.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I loved that story! That guy is a legend.

technodanvan

Donald Driver or the guy that pretended to be Donald Driver?

...

There is no difference to the average Wisconsinite.

Spur

Rodgers likes to prance around with balls in his hand.

Redshirt

So what I miss in the Early Slot of games?

Sharkbait

Bortles didnt Bortle

WCS

The Houston Houstonians are very, very bad.

litre_cola

Injuries, mediocre qbing.

JustStopDude

The Bengals are somehow the worst team in the AFC North.

Redshirt

I know that. I witnessed that.

Gratliff

Eagles got a fail mary-level bad call, hopefully leading to mass suicide in the DC area

WCS

Oh, also, Kirk Cousins is hilariously awful.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Either the Lion’s defense is better than expected or the Cards offense is worse than expected

Unsurprised

Yes