[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)
Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.
Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.
Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.
So my dad said they got sports Play-by-Play Commentators to report on the hurricane landfall because that’s what they do, report things happening at real time. They missed a perfect opportunity to get Color Commentators.
“This is what all that training and development in the Atlantic is for. The storm is able to stay off the coast to keep most of its power, rotate towards the coastline and BOOM! the waves take out the pier.”
again, this is why we need to be collecting money to donate directly to the Hurricane
Uno mas point fur mir!
Someone found the world’s worst jersey
That is just…atrocious
“Ha ha ha look at that guy standing on his toes trying to make himself look taller!”
– Danny Woodhead, getting fitted for 3″ lifts.
Make that two of ’em.
I know the half and half jersey is a thing, but I’m still waiting for the poorly tailored quartered jersey
Newton’s shoulder is so bad he can’t even make his little “first down” gesture right
Raiders had to call up a kicker from the practice squad for today’s game (Seabass is now on IR) and he went 4-4 including two 50+ yarders. Margin of victory was 10. Nice story.
He might wanna be careful about leaving his water bottle unattended once it gets closer to week 7-8…
I’m ready to make some insanely asinine proclamation that if the Seahawks/Packers game ends as 3-0, I’ll chug a bottle of Jager or something equally stupid. Then I remember my luck, Darrell Fucking Bevell, and general Seahawks play… and yea. I’d die of alcohol poisoning.
Holy shit Bennett has tiny shoulder pads
Well with that kind of physique he barely needs them.
?w=337&h=247
Y’know what today is Matrix?
The Rams D is gonna be about 1/3 of my fantasy team’s points. I’m okay with that.
Seattle’s D looks to be fricking top notch.
RAMIT!!!! defense may save me in my money league.
Burrito : ordered
Damn, I could really go for a burrito.
Code Red : ordered
…and of course I don’t have the Red Zone Preview.
I don’t either. Otherwise I never would have watched an entire Bears game.
Erin Andrews has a great ass according to an intrepid stalker but that nasally voice could turn lava to ice.
My wife pointed out that we have a Red Zone preview this afternoon and my response was “why bother?”
OK. Cut the shit this half Aaron. If you’re good, you get the gimp later.
The gimp’s sleeping.
“Well wake his ass up! We gotta win today!”
https://giphy.com/gifs/quentin-tarantino-pulp-fiction-zed-3o7aTnTBlMbHjMl0Eo?utm_source=media-link&utm_medium=landing&utm_campaign=Media%20Links&utm_term=https://giphy.com/gifs/quentin-tarantino-pulp-fiction-zed-3o7aTnTBlMbHjMl0Eo
“Seems legit”
–Kyrie Irving
/guy who was academically accepted to Duke University, a school that struts about allegedly not making academic exemptions
Portland area halftime coverage: cut to local news to show Patriot Prayer rallies and counter protests in Portland and Vancouver, WA. Spoiler: no one is doing shit in Vancouver and tear gas has been deployed in downtown Portland. No one is surprised
Drunk last night, I DID tell you all to bet the family farm on RAMIT!!!
Your dumb fault FOAR not taking me srsly
These late games are terrible.
having just 3 limits choice unacceptably
Halfway through week 1 and the complaints start rolling in. smgdh
IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMNIT!
Yeah, I’mma admit it. Baby Buster’s balls have dropped.
What the fuck is a young sheldon and how can I make sure I never have to watch it?
Are you familiar with Sophocles?
“Why, is the kid ugly or something?”
– Brad Childress
B A Z I N G A
Gurley, you’ll be a woman soon….
And that’s why it’s important to wear a cup, kids!
“Welcome to the darkest timeline.” Yeah, that sounds about right.
http://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/nfl/bengals/2017/09/10/cincinnati-bengals-baltimore-ravens-week-1-nfl-q-a/643445001/
First ejection from packer game is from…
Alaska?! Wtf?
yes, RAMIT!!! was my pick in both Survivor pools.
Wow. BLEERGH is bringing his A-game in GB-SEA.
Humps are buttttttt
Those Colts are beautiful losers.
THWAK! CLUNK! WOOF!
Rams are winning?!
If the Rams are winning and nobody is there to see it, did they really win?
You looked at who they were playing right?
Kelvin Benjamin and “skinny post” are two things I did not think I’d hear uttered in the same sentence.
WHOOOOOOOOOO
oh, RAMIT!!!
Blair Walsh is alive!
There’s the defense I’m used to! Whew! I can’t handle cromulence.
well, this is quite the turn of events
Packers D getting charmed.
I’ve swam (swum?) now I gotta shower and get food. I’d really rather just start dranking n smoking, but my belly disagrees. Stupid belly.
Fuck this.
“What about me?”
-That
nil-nil at the half, Lesser Footy has broken out in WI
Tonight on NCIS:Los Angeles….a crowd of people mysteriously disappears, is it foul play, or just general disinterest in NFL Football?
Yes, as the play is indeed foul.
Well played.
Over/under on how many games until the Rams take a leaf out of the Radskins playbook and start covering up seats to disguise the poor attendance?
TARPIT!
Twist Ending-
The killer of the crowd is……… Common Sense!
time to take 3 knees! EXCITE!!
Hey Redshirt, does My little Pony have lots of singing? If so, what are the well known songs? Trying to weene my daughter off the depressing Hello Kitty stuff
Just get her this:
http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0805/6249/products/Hello-Kitty-Gangster-Thug_Crewneck-on-Black-Heather_506e7eea-d10a-4368-b057-c02529540625_600x.jpg?v=1495654741
This is far and away the best MLP song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3z7SBiQegc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXUNimNDHFc
Agree to disagree.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbZjlXfqf44
What fresh hell is this?
Yes, My Little Pony has lots of songs. They actually hire three voice actresses to sing for three characters because the main voice actors either don’t live in Canada, can’t sing in their character’s voice without hurting voice, or can’t sing. I would go on YouTube to find some.
The music director really does make some great songs. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t poached him yet.
Personally I prefer “The Smile Song”, “A Friend in Deed”, or any songs in Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks.
Tomsula looks weird without the mustache.
Cam ain’t right at all. Ought not be on the field.
I hope the Packers eventually retire Donald Driver’s number. He was a great player and a class act.
This reminds me of the WYTS story about how a bunch of Wisconsinites thought a random black guy in a restaurant was Donald Driver and the dude just went along with it for fun.
I loved that story! That guy is a legend.
Donald Driver or the guy that pretended to be Donald Driver?
There is no difference to the average Wisconsinite.
Rodgers likes to prance around with balls in his hand.
So what I miss in the Early Slot of games?
Bortles didnt Bortle
The Houston Houstonians are very, very bad.
Injuries, mediocre qbing.
The Bengals are somehow the worst team in the AFC North.
I know that. I witnessed that.
Eagles got a fail mary-level bad call, hopefully leading to mass suicide in the DC area
Oh, also, Kirk Cousins is hilariously awful.
Either the Lion’s defense is better than expected or the Cards offense is worse than expected
Yes