“There’s A Team In Vegas?!” – A Half-assed Smart-ass NHL Preview



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

The NHL enters another season starting today. The season starts with 31 teams, with the newly ensconced Las Vegas Golden Knights taking the ice in the Pacific division. It should be a heady time for a league coming off of an exciting Stanley Cup run and the first repeat winners in the salary cap era. But, trust Gary Bettman and his pithy employers to try & snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

In the midst of attendance struggles in Florida,




and Carolina,

the League is adding extra egg to its face by trying to squeeze the city of Calgary for a new arena, and threatening that the team will move if the NHL doesn’t get what Edmonton got. Deadspin has you covered, but Gary Bettman has openly pontificated on how he “doesn’t know how long [the Flames] can hang on” in Calgary without a new building to play hockey in, and that he gets “contacted all the time by people in markets that are interested in having a team.”

Because the southern experiment is going so well.

But otherwise, it’s a brand new season, and that should bring a heady optimism to the plethora of fans. It’s a feeling which should last until the end of the month and most teams will know if they are destined for playoff contention. For many it’s like being a Browns fan, but the length of the season means despair don’t hit until later in the schedule.

Plus, unlike previous Olympic years, there is no break in the season, since the NHL has decided it’s not worth their time to break for the Olympics and try building the game in Asia. Yet. There’s some argument about compensation in case of injury, but it falls on deaf ears since the IIHF is so schooled in corrupt they were able to game the Soviet Union, so why would they be afraid of Rocky Wirtz? They’ll break for the Beijing Winter Olympics, because a market of over one billion is far-more attractive a season interrupter than a Korea on the brink of nuclear war.

As a member of one of DFO’s cadre of gadabouts, I have chosen to provide short synopses for each team, gladly taking submissions from parties interested in lightening my workload. The order of preview shall be in accordance with the Vegas odds on each team’s chance of winning the Stanley Cup. The comments are considered accurate since it’s all fucking guesswork in advance of the playoffs actually starting.

(Team: Opening July Odds; Current October Odds) – source; source

Pittsburgh Penguins: 8-1; 8-1

  • WCS: 

Edmonton Oilers: 10-1; 10-1

  • litre_cola: We may be good, but it is still in Edmonton.

Washington Capitals: 10-1; 10-1

  • tWBS: Three presidents (trophies) in a row, three 2nd round exits to the Yinz. Wake me in the spring.

Tampa Bay Lightning: 10-1; 12-1

  • Steven Stamkos is in the second year of an 8-year, $68 million contract. As he goes, so do the Bolts.

Chicago Blackhawks: 12-1; 12-1

  • They should really be higher. It all depends on how the salary-cap gods have treated them this off-season. Patrick Kane is one rape accusation short of a six-pack, which ironically is how he ends up with most of his rape accusations.

Nashville Predators: 14-1; 14-1

  • Lucky run, or long-term potential? Either way, they sure are a fun team to watch, and their arena is reminiscent of small-town junior rinks for the intimacy.

Dallas Stars: 14-1; 14-1

  • They should be much better than last year. A good, solid core of youth looking to finally make a big mark. Sounds familiar, but their owner isn’t a media whore, and their coach isn’t some soulless redhead with poor clock-management skills.

Anaheim Ducks: 14-1; 14-1

  • Funky Brewmaster, via Low Commander: The Anaheim Mighty Quackers will overcome early season injuries to win the Pacific Division, and make it to the Cup Finals, finally winning with this core group they have.
  • on the other hand, FUCK RYAN KESLER!

New York Rangers: 14-1; 16-1

  • senor weaselo: Well, they actually have defensemen now that aren’t just Ryan McDonagh now, but let’s see them not give up goals in the last minute of periods/games
  • James Dolan is a terrible owner, so hopefully the Rangers push him closer to the heart attack Knicks fans desire.

Toronto Maple Leafs: 14-1; 16-1


Montreal Canadiens: 14-1; 16-1


Boston Bruins: 30-1; 18-1

  • This I could handle.

Minnesota Wild: 14-1; 20-1

  • The Houston Texans of hockey.

San Jose Sharks: 20-1; 20-1

  • As long as Joe Thornton plays for them, they are cursed to never hoist the Cup. Also, Patrick Marleau left them for the Leafs; what does that say?

Los Angeles Kings: 20-1; 25-1

  • ballsofsteel: Their window is still open, but they can’t be inconsistent like last year.

Columbus Blue Jackets: 20-1; 25-1

  • A smart, young team with a dictator for a coach. Imagine George Patton running a sports franchise.

St. Louis Blues: 30-1; 25-1

  • Do it for Internet Dad, you bastards.

Calgary Flames: 30-1; 28-1


  • litre_cola: Fuck you Bettman and Ken King! Pay for your own goddamn arena!

Ottawa Senators: 30-1; 33-1

  • the maestro: Currently rocking back and forth in a frightened ball at the prospect of not having a healthy Erik Karlsson to lead this team to anything of significance.

Florida Panthers: 40-1; 40-1

  • the future Quebec Nordiques only still exist because Roberto Luongo doesn’t want to move again.

New York Islanders: 40-1; 40-1

  • a tenant needed to fill unoccupied Nets dates, the Islanders play in a building with the most “view obstructed” seats in the NHL. That perfectly encapsulates their organizational structure.

Philadelphia Flyers: 40-1; 40-1

  • An organization that trades on a forty year-old reputation & two long-ago trophies to engender loyalty in a fan base whose lifeblood is ambivalency.

Buffalo Sabres: 60-1; 50-1

  • Owned by the same guy who owns the Bills. Poor fuckers.

Winnipeg Jets: 40-1; 66-1

  • litre_cola: Will anyone stop the puck?
  • Nothing can kill fan support for this team.

Carolina Hurricanes: 60-1; 66-1


Detroit Red Wings: 100-1; 100-1

  • Their new arena looks nice; their team looks like shit.

New Jersey Devils: 100-1; 100-1

  • yeahright: Martin Brodeur isn’t coming back and neither is the neutral zone trap. Another losing season in the Jersey swamps.

Arizona Coyotes: 100-1; 100-1

  • blaxabbath: I understand they finally got rid of some guy named Shane who had been on the team forever so…..rebuild?

Colorado Avalanche: 100-1; 125-1

  • FUCK STAN KROENKE! His wife, Ann Walmart Kroenke, technically owns them because the NFL doesn’t allow it’s owners to own multiple franchises across sports. But still, FUCK STAN KROENKE!

Vancouver Canucks: 100-1; 200-1

  • Year four of a 25-year rebuild. Fans will need an April bandwagon.

Vegas Golden Knights: 200-1; 200-1

  • At least the Raiders show up in a couple of years, likely driving the team to another market.

I await your incorrect analysis in the comments.

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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[…] beerguyrob already had you covered with a most excellent NHL preview a coupla days […]


If you threaten to move the Coyotes to SEA, AZ will pony up for a Jerry World On Ice.

I’ve never gotten how teams don’t use that leverage. Fuck sales tax incentives or creating [shitty hospitality] jobs, use pettiness. Don’t no one in SD want to see the Shelbyville Chargers.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

If Calgary doesn’t want their team to move south, they need to hire this guy:
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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[…] “There’s A Team In Vegas?!” – A Half-assed Smart-ass NHL Preview – October 4, 2017 […]


Would it have killed ya to find a photo of the PNC Arena which showed off prominently NCSU’s two (count ’em, two) Nat’l Champs Banners? Thanks for nothing, beerbongrick.

But yeah, ‘Canes are … well, never mind.

Doktor Zymm

Dear Caps, please stop choking in the goddamn playoffs. You’re the DC area’s best hope of winning a championship in a real sport*

Ed note: baseball is not a real sport


I, for one, applaud Philadelphia’s rebuilding from a franchise that scores at will but can’t stop a goal to save its life to a defensive juggernaut incapable of scoring on an open net.

Game Time Decision

I much prefer when the the Leafs suck. You’d think they were the only hockey team in the nation, and when winning it’s only worse.
/lives just outside of Toronto and hates the coverage


Listen, Toronto is the center of the universe and I won’t believe anything else until the Toronto-based media tells me otherwise.


I honestly don’t remember submitting that, but, I’ll stand by it!

Actually, the loss of several veterans (Kunitz, Cullen, Daley, and Fleury) could have some negative impact. If Sid and/or Geno suffer any long-term injury, rut roh. This team is loaded with depth, especially in the minors, but, like I said, that lack of veteran leadership, coupled with a bad injury or three spells problems.

Starting goaltender, Matt Murray, is two-for-two winning Stanley’s Cup, but he’s missed 40+ games in those two seasons to injury. Back-up Anteii Nemeii was a strong starter for Dallas for a few years, but, was very ungood last year. Behind him is Tristian Jarry, who looks like the future, but, is about as experienced as eighth-grader trying to remove a bra for the first time.

Lastly, I think general fatigue is going to kick in at some point in the second-half of the season. This team has played a lot of hockey over the past 24 months. That’s going to catch up with them eventually.

I still think this team can threepeat, but, I wouldn’t be shocked with a Conference Final loss, either. Essentially, injuries and puck-luck are going to determine if we become the GREATRIOTS of iceball this year or not. Of course, it probably won’t matter after Cheetoh-In-Chief starts World War III with Britain, because some minor MP said Trump’s golf course in Scotland is overrated.


What’s the over/under on concussions for Sid the Kid?


Somewhere between Steve Young and Trent Green.


“How many did Trent Green get?”
–Trent Green


“He needles be texted for CCTV!”
-E. Smith

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook



Will King’s home attendance beat Shitty Football Clipper’s home attendance?


Overall, yes. Each game is at 19,000, so we’re within striking range on a per game basis.

Horatio Cornblower

“Carolina Hurricanes: 60-1; 66-1


Thank you for this. And my god I love looking at pictures of a half empty Whateverthefucktheycallit Arean in Raleigh. Lose ALL the money you dicks.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

[Copy, paste and replace “Raleigh” with “LA”]

Horatio just wrote my Football Clippers bye update!


I couldn’t possibly be more pessimistic before the first fucking puck even drops.

Enrico Pallazzo

Tortorella is the best!

Horatio Cornblower

“You bet it is!” said Emmit Smith, trying to order tortellini.