Your “Save Room For Biscuits” Monday Night Football & Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Whether it be Thanksguiving, Columbus Day, or Indigenous Peoples Day, happy holiday Monday to you all.

And if you didn’t have a holiday today, maybe move to a better state or country.

There’s no NFL News update because I may or may not have typed this last Thursday, right before I picked up my first bottle ahead of the Thursday Night game. If the Patriots lost, I’m blitzed until Tuesday.


Game preview: Vikings at Bears.

Hold onto your butts, because tonight marks the first appearance of…

the Truth Biscuit!

Mitch Trubisky, fresh from a whole 13 starts at the U*NC, starts tonight & we’ll get to see whether the Bears laughably wasted those draft picks to move up one spot to get him. Looking at their schedule, it’s probably the best time to start him, as after this the Bears next face off against the Ravens, Panthers, Saints & Packers. If they ever wanted to get him a start & avoid David Carr-ing him, this is the game. Plus, they have a deadly 1-2 combination at running back. If John Fox is a smart man, the ratio of running-to-passing plays is 2 or 3:1.

(Ron Howard voice: he was not a smart man.)

The Vikings, meanwhile, don’t know who’s starting half their positions until they take attendance on the bus leaving the hotel. A Filipino bellhop could end up being their long snapper if he doesn’t get off in time. Current starting QB Teddy Bridgewater Sam Bradford Danny Wuerffel Case Keenum just has to copy the Rodgers tape from last week & stay upright in order to have a successful-enough game to carry the Vikings to victory.

Anyone for a 10-10 tie?

(A billion thanks to Low Commander for the awesome photoshop.)


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Vikings at Bears – 8:15PM | ESPN / TSN
      • en espanol en ESPN2
  • NHL:
    • Black Hawks at Leafs – 9:00PM | NHLN; TSN4 (regional)
  • MLB:
    • Game 4 (if necessary) – AL Divisional Series – 8:00PM | FS1 / Sportsnet1

Holiday Monday and a short work week?

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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King Hippo

RIGHT where Foxy likes punting from.

LemonJello
LemonJello

This young lad, Master Kissin’ Tittays, does seem to have an arm on him. Will we see him, perhaps, say “fuck it, I’m going deep!”?

litre_cola

By far my favoUrite KSK bit.

Sharkbait

Pour one out for KSK

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Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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jjfozz

As a white hetero CIS male, I’m completely okay that everything wrong in society is my fault.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Whovever coined the term “CIS” is the truly despicable one.
/Still don’t know what it means, don’t want to know.

Gratliff

I have a degree in CIS. It was very confusing at first.

jjfozz

I think it means that you are in agreement with your gender, like I have balls and a dick, so I’m a man. And that makes me the enemy. For some reason.

Senor Weaselo

The Confederation of Independent States, right?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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Gratliff

At least, that’s what his criminal record says

LemonJello
LemonJello

That must be outside the greater Raleigh-Durham area.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We were just talking about friends who went to Riga recently, and when Latavius Murray’s name flashed on the screen, one chick pointed and said “see, he’s Latvian”

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

I feel like your avatar after reading that comment. 😐

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did he just yell “FEMUR”?

LemonJello
LemonJello

I thought it was “Beiber”?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No, he was saying FEMA. He wants Puerto Rico fixed stat

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Wish the Rockies had won the Wild Card because it would have meant SNOW BASEBALL today.

jjfozz

Sox eliminated from postseason play – I could bore through an industrial vault with my boner.

Sharkbait

Before the game was over people were yelling for John Farrell’s head.

WCS

NAWT FACKIN’ FAHHHHH YOU DO NAWT UNDAHSTAHND OUAHHH PAIN!

Gratliff

I bet Tawmmy didn’t even get his Szechuan sauce

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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jjfozz

“Here you go son, a play truck just like daddy! Now pardon me while I get double teamed by my slutty stepdaughter and slutty housemaid.”

Gratliff

That reminds me, how did we arrive at a point in society where 95% of all porn produced currently is faux incest?

Gratliff

Fuck you, moderation. I’ll rephrase:

That reminds me, how did we arrive at a point in society where 95% of all porn produced currently involves fucking family, step or otherwise?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Southern Strategy isn’t just for politics anymore!

King Hippo

Seriously. Even I have my limits, but apparently that’s weird. I just want to see two lithe 20-year old ladies sensuously make sweet love for my private, pervy enjoyment, without making it weird pretending to be step-sisters. Just ewwwwww.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your moderation was random, not because of anything you said. See, watch….

INCEST PORN INCEST PORN INCEST PORN!!!!!!

Gratliff

The whole point is I don’t WANT to watch that

theeWeeBabySeamus

Understood.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Schwartzenegger having the birds and the bees talk with his son?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Yes, but with a difficult to place Eastern European accent that you’re pretty sure it just being played up.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Twenty years from now when I’m remember Bears coaches, John Fox is going to be the one I forget and when someone reminds me of his name, I’ll say “Really? He coached the Bears?”

King Hippo

nah, you’ll get all misty-eyed whenever either side punts from the 37.

Senor Weaselo

From the other team’s 37, you mean?

King Hippo

exactly

Migraine Hippo phrases jokes like poo-poo

WCS

Do you fly into blind rage whenever you remember Dick Jauron?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

No, I just mope around like he always did.

I get a little twinge when I remember Wannstedt, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like biting off your own finger would be the appropriate action when thinking about Jauron.

jjfozz

My son spilled a glass of iced tea on my Macbook and fried it. Took out the Dell PC, and I hate the motherfucking almighty hell out of this fucking piece of plastic shit.

Gratliff

Your son is a hero. Get a real computer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate the motherfucking almighty hell out of this fucking piece of plastic shit.

You sound like Jared Kushner talking about his wife.

jjfozz

Or her husband

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, Fozz, I reworked it.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

But you know, with a difficult to place Eastern European accent that you’re pretty sure it just being played up.

Redshirt

When do the put in the Backup Head Coach?

Sharkbait

Good evening.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Care to back that up?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Hi there, sailor.
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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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jjfozz

I know we make fun of JJ Watt around here, but I am bummed he’s out for the season. That motherfucker raised a great deal of money for people who got flooded out. Karma should be on his side.

Senor Weaselo

It’s 2017, karma is dead.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

And Parody was shot in the middle of Fifth Avenue and no one did a thing about it.

Romonobyl

JJ Watt seems far less creepy than Clay Matthews, but then again, so does Pennywise.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was thinking about boycotting this game to protest ESPN’s suspension of Jemele Hill but this shitty stream of theirs is making the decision for me.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Aside from Kevin White is it safe to say Ryan Pace has done a pretty decent job at GM?

King Hippo

I still think you get this mongoloid at #3. Who else was seriously trading up for him?

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

I agree with that but he has drafted surprisingly well imho when I’ve had to suffer Phil Emery and Jerry Angelo.

King Hippo

fair point

WCS

Don’t say Kevin’s name out loud, or his kidneys will tear in half.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So many Raiders fans are declaring Amari Cooper a bust. Would hate to hear what they would be saying if we’d picked White instead.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Dollar Store Theo Epstein is better than Emery and Angelo thus far, but that’s a low bar to clear.

litre_cola

When do the Ukrainian prostitutes I have heard so much about arrive?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Is it too late to join the anthem protests solely on the basis of shitty primetime game matchups?

Brocky

Yes, you’ve had decades of MNF to voice your complaint

herodotus450
herodotus450

But all those Kornheiser statues were put up years after the fact!
/If I’d said Cossell, that could’ve been dicey.

Brocky

My dad watch hank and company during the preshow:

Who are these inbreds?

jjfozz

The Vikings Offensive Line, the ONLY offensive line approved by jerkoff white supremacists everywhere.

LemonJello
LemonJello

You’d think they’d be worried about wasting their manly essence and precious bodily fluids.

jjfozz

I recently called a person driving a car with a confederate flag decal a “stupid fuckhole”. Yes, my boys were in the car, but I felt like it was a teaching moment.

Romonobyl

Actually, aren’t all white supremacists (or any supremacists, IMHO), by rote, jerkoffs?

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Well I’ve seen enough to crown him king of Chicago

King Hippo

0 points is much better than -7

LemonJello
LemonJello

“The sausage king of Chicago?”
-A. Rodgers, with hope in his voice

litre_cola

Beat me to it. Nice work.

King Hippo

Crazy Eyez is back!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus Christ, ESPN, with how much my neighbor is paying for his cable your streaming service really ought to be better.

Redshirt

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

So I am sitting in my house, in my underwear, with the AC running on full blast, in October…because global warming is a hoax…

deviantBastard
deviantBastard

#fakenews

theeWeeBabySeamus

I feel your pain. Been a sweaty few days ’round here too.
Hell, it felt like August here today. Guh

LemonJello
LemonJello

This weekend in the OBX was like Satan’s taint. Not even an ocean breeze to knock the heat down a little.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was gonna head down this week for a day trip for surfing, but screw that.
Next week is fine.
Plus my black and blue ankle I rolled last week is still not great so it wouldn’t have been smart anyway….which wouldn’t have stopped me. So this is good, LOL.

Redshirt

I thought the same thing when I was removing leafs from my pool cover when I could’ve be vacuuming the leaves with my pool heater on.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Be a pity if you had to burn some natural gas to power that AC, hehehe…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Snowy day in Colorado today. Back in the 50s-60s tomorrow.

King Hippo

It’s all these rapid ups and downs. Migraines a mofo like crazy, man. Can’t wait for the colds to start their viral goodness.

Get your goddamned flu shots, it will be a brutal season.

litre_cola

How many drunks came here from the small Bears game?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Sassy Ref for Truth Biscuit’s debut. Oh, we fancy!

King Hippo

just keep it turnover free, fuckwad. I need Minny’s D not to score 29+

Redshirt

A Bear QB pass into tight coverage. And a Bear caught it?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That crowd is louder than Trent Green’s waffle iron

King Hippo

gold, Jerry. GOLD!!

Brocky

Is this a memory joke because I don’t get it

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

It’s time. Erection engaged!

Redshirt

With all the injuries we’ve had yesterday, I’m expecting a player to explode on the field tonight.

King Hippo

We will remember, of course, that Carlin called for landmines on the field nigh 30 years ago.

WCS

With Drew’s luck, it’ll be Bradford in the first quarter, and Anthony Barr in the third.

Senor Weaselo

Don’t forget Xavier Rhodes in the 2nd and Harrison Smith in the 4th!

litre_cola

On the bootleg jersey site I use there are still Hernandez jerseys for sale. Throwback!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Surprised any of those are still hanging around…

LemonJello
LemonJello

Are we shouting “TRUTH BISCUIT” or “KISSIN’ TITTAYS” whenever the new guy does a thing, be it good or bad?

Senor Weaselo

Yes.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
MitchKissingTitsbisky

The Patron Saint of Kissing Tits

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t want to tell you what to yell during orgasm, except to suggest you go with what feels right at the time.

Redshirt

The Shield reunited to start Raw. So, Vince has admitted defeat and showed the ending to Raw before football starts.

Gratliff

Do we get two-tone seth and his Neo-nazi mistress?

King Hippo

Seriously, this Truth Biscuit’s facial features don’t line up right. I put the IQ ceiling right around 80.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Seems high for a UNC alum

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This totally legal stream has incredible HD quality.

King Hippo

yessir, $X thousand in law school loans, and you can lie just this good!

Senor Weaselo

4-0 is good. But considering they blew an 8-3 lead (missed non-challenge or not), I will remain nervously optimistic.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

As long as you’re not blowing an 8′ 3″ load.

Senor Weaselo

I don’t know, for obvious reasons I haven’t checked for distance like a pissing contest.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Just get a fleshlight and apply the extrapolation algorithm.

Senor Weaselo

I think you have to put it to a radar gun and do a kinematics equation in that case, accounting for air resistance and the like.

litre_cola

That is tough to do while holding the belt around your neck IMO.

King Hippo

inorite??

– Michael Hutchence

Shogun Marcus

Mark it. I WILL do the DoLoThroDo. For Maestro and DFO.

Senor Weaselo

I’d be willing to do it next year if I’m not working throughout. And searching for Szechuan Sauce.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I too am interested in tasting some of this Czech Juan’s sauce.”

– Aaron Rodgers, contemplating an exotic delight

Shogun Marcus

Meh. He keeps winning like that, I’ll take his sauce. Go fuck your jelly selves.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Wow, Southern California is ON FIRE!

laserguru

You should see the air quality over where I work – El Segundo. I thought it was marine layer at first until I started seeing ash and shit falling from the sky. Anaheim Hills is like 40 miles from here too.

Goddamn Santa Ana winds.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m in Playa and the sun light is deep red!

laserguru

Just moved my car to get it closer to the door at work and there’s already about 1/8″ of ash all over everything.

Every fucking October, man!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I have absolutely no ash (or wind) and I’m right on the other side of LAX.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Goddamn climate mutation, bro. You can take solace in all of us being fucked sooner or later…

King Hippo

why don’t yer legislature just outlaw it like North Cakalaky’s!?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Naw, wildfires are part of the natural ecosystem of California and they always have been. Every 20 years a hill should burn to stay healthy. Giant sequoias don’t spread seeds until their trunks are scorched, which indicates a burn has cleared the deadwood, opened the canopy, and left nutrients for the seeds to grow in. The only difference is that lately people have built houses in stupid places and there are cameras everywhere.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Sure, and hurricanes have always existed. And windstorms, and thunderstorms, etc. But one has to look at the intensity and frequency with which they are occurring. More + stronger = climate mutation.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I totally believe in global warming and man-made climate mutation. HOWEVER, California wildfires are not a barometer of that, regardless of how awesome they look. They only indicate that an area hasn’t burned in 20 years or more, often because of man-made fire suppression policies that are bad for the natural ecosystem yet protect rich fucker’s idiotic cliff-side mansions.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cali is drier and hotter and has had more dramatic periodic “monsoons” in recent years with climate change; that combined with what you say here is a recipe for hotter, more destructive fires and subsequent mudslides and flooding.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I left my wallet there in 1990

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want to die.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The good news is: you’ll get to.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Hooray!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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blaxabbath

I just wanted to pop in and let you all know I’m already laughing at what will come from one of the Quotables submission gifs. In many ways NBC SNF is absolutely horrid trash — but every once in a while they really produce.

Senor Weaselo

Any and all Jets-Browns gifs just need Yakety Sax.

laserguru

CUBS WIN!
WOOOOO!!!!!!

King Hippo

noooooooooo!!!!

/at least SAWX are out, can’t get too greedy

theeWeeBabySeamus

U*NC

Beerboyreggie is the best. Simply the best.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Indeed.

Senor Weaselo

Hey, Luis Severino’s already having a better start than last time!

Romonobyl

Well, at least we know what started the California wildfires:

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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“THAT’S WHAT THE LAME-STREAM MEDIA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE, BUT IN REALITY, THERE WAS A SMALL ACCIDENT WHILE RENDERING THE FAT OF UNBELIEVERS TO MAKE CANDLES FOR THE SACRIFICIAL ALTAR!”
/ pelvic thrust
//blood sprays out of the sprinkler heads at StubHub Center

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Why didn’t we think of that earlier?”

– D. Spanos

litre_cola

We really need DFO Boltman shirts.

Senor Weaselo

Would we need to contact Boltman?

litre_cola

Well we have a dozen lawyers or so in our midst.

Romonobyl

Good thing this didn’t happen in Indy; can you imagine that conflagration?

LemonJello
LemonJello

It’d be like the Springfield Tire Fire – eternally burning.

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