Your “Save Room For Biscuits” Monday Night Football & Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Whether it be Thanksguiving, Columbus Day, or Indigenous Peoples Day, happy holiday Monday to you all.

And if you didn’t have a holiday today, maybe move to a better state or country.

There’s no NFL News update because I may or may not have typed this last Thursday, right before I picked up my first bottle ahead of the Thursday Night game. If the Patriots lost, I’m blitzed until Tuesday.


Game preview: Vikings at Bears.

Hold onto your butts, because tonight marks the first appearance of…

the Truth Biscuit!

Mitch Trubisky, fresh from a whole 13 starts at the U*NC, starts tonight & we’ll get to see whether the Bears laughably wasted those draft picks to move up one spot to get him. Looking at their schedule, it’s probably the best time to start him, as after this the Bears next face off against the Ravens, Panthers, Saints & Packers. If they ever wanted to get him a start & avoid David Carr-ing him, this is the game. Plus, they have a deadly 1-2 combination at running back. If John Fox is a smart man, the ratio of running-to-passing plays is 2 or 3:1.

(Ron Howard voice: he was not a smart man.)

The Vikings, meanwhile, don’t know who’s starting half their positions until they take attendance on the bus leaving the hotel. A Filipino bellhop could end up being their long snapper if he doesn’t get off in time. Current starting QB Teddy Bridgewater Sam Bradford Danny Wuerffel Case Keenum just has to copy the Rodgers tape from last week & stay upright in order to have a successful-enough game to carry the Vikings to victory.

Anyone for a 10-10 tie?

(A billion thanks to Low Commander for the awesome photoshop.)


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Vikings at Bears – 8:15PM | ESPN / TSN
      • en espanol en ESPN2
  • NHL:
    • Black Hawks at Leafs – 9:00PM | NHLN; TSN4 (regional)
  • MLB:
    • Game 4 (if necessary) – AL Divisional Series – 8:00PM | FS1 / Sportsnet1

Holiday Monday and a short work week?

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

It would be the best thing ever if one of the announcers fucked up and referred to him as Mitch Titskissby.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

You rang?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Gruden. It would have to be Gruden.

King Hippo
Member

RIGHT where Foxy likes punting from.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

This young lad, Master Kissin’ Tittays, does seem to have an arm on him. Will we see him, perhaps, say “fuck it, I’m going deep!”?

litre_cola
Member

By far my favoUrite KSK bit.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Pour one out for KSK

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

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jjfozz
Member

As a white hetero CIS male, I’m completely okay that everything wrong in society is my fault.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Whovever coined the term “CIS” is the truly despicable one.
/Still don’t know what it means, don’t want to know.

Senor Weaselo
Member

The Confederation of Independent States, right?

jjfozz
Member

I think it means that you are in agreement with your gender, like I have balls and a dick, so I’m a man. And that makes me the enemy. For some reason.

Gratliff
Member

I have a degree in CIS. It was very confusing at first.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

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Gratliff
Member

At least, that’s what his criminal record says

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

That must be outside the greater Raleigh-Durham area.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

We were just talking about friends who went to Riga recently, and when Latavius Murray’s name flashed on the screen, one chick pointed and said “see, he’s Latvian”

deviantBastard
Member
deviantBastard

I feel like your avatar after reading that comment. 😐

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Did he just yell “FEMUR”?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

No, he was saying FEMA. He wants Puerto Rico fixed stat

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I thought it was “Beiber”?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Wish the Rockies had won the Wild Card because it would have meant SNOW BASEBALL today.

jjfozz
Member

Sox eliminated from postseason play – I could bore through an industrial vault with my boner.

WCS
Member

NAWT FACKIN’ FAHHHHH YOU DO NAWT UNDAHSTAHND OUAHHH PAIN!

Gratliff
Member

I bet Tawmmy didn’t even get his Szechuan sauce

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Before the game was over people were yelling for John Farrell’s head.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

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jjfozz
Member

“Here you go son, a play truck just like daddy! Now pardon me while I get double teamed by my slutty stepdaughter and slutty housemaid.”

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Schwartzenegger having the birds and the bees talk with his son?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Yes, but with a difficult to place Eastern European accent that you’re pretty sure it just being played up.

Gratliff
Member

Fuck you, moderation. I’ll rephrase:

That reminds me, how did we arrive at a point in society where 95% of all porn produced currently involves fucking family, step or otherwise?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Your moderation was random, not because of anything you said. See, watch….

INCEST PORN INCEST PORN INCEST PORN!!!!!!

Gratliff
Member

The whole point is I don’t WANT to watch that

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Understood.

King Hippo
Member

Seriously. Even I have my limits, but apparently that’s weird. I just want to see two lithe 20-year old ladies sensuously make sweet love for my private, pervy enjoyment, without making it weird pretending to be step-sisters. Just ewwwwww.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The Southern Strategy isn’t just for politics anymore!

Gratliff
Member

That reminds me, how did we arrive at a point in society where 95% of all porn produced currently is faux incest?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Twenty years from now when I’m remember Bears coaches, John Fox is going to be the one I forget and when someone reminds me of his name, I’ll say “Really? He coached the Bears?”

WCS
Member

Do you fly into blind rage whenever you remember Dick Jauron?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I feel like biting off your own finger would be the appropriate action when thinking about Jauron.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

No, I just mope around like he always did.

I get a little twinge when I remember Wannstedt, though.

King Hippo
Member

nah, you’ll get all misty-eyed whenever either side punts from the 37.

Senor Weaselo
Member

From the other team’s 37, you mean?

King Hippo
Member

exactly

Migraine Hippo phrases jokes like poo-poo

jjfozz
Member

My son spilled a glass of iced tea on my Macbook and fried it. Took out the Dell PC, and I hate the motherfucking almighty hell out of this fucking piece of plastic shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I hate the motherfucking almighty hell out of this fucking piece of plastic shit.

You sound like Jared Kushner talking about his wife.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

But you know, with a difficult to place Eastern European accent that you’re pretty sure it just being played up.

jjfozz
Member

Or her husband

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Sorry, Fozz, I reworked it.

Gratliff
Member

Your son is a hero. Get a real computer.

Redshirt
Member

When do the put in the Backup Head Coach?

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Good evening.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Hi there, sailor.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Care to back that up?

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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jjfozz
Member

I know we make fun of JJ Watt around here, but I am bummed he’s out for the season. That motherfucker raised a great deal of money for people who got flooded out. Karma should be on his side.

Romonobyl
Member

JJ Watt seems far less creepy than Clay Matthews, but then again, so does Pennywise.

Senor Weaselo
Member

It’s 2017, karma is dead.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

And Parody was shot in the middle of Fifth Avenue and no one did a thing about it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I was thinking about boycotting this game to protest ESPN’s suspension of Jemele Hill but this shitty stream of theirs is making the decision for me.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Aside from Kevin White is it safe to say Ryan Pace has done a pretty decent job at GM?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Dollar Store Theo Epstein is better than Emery and Angelo thus far, but that’s a low bar to clear.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So many Raiders fans are declaring Amari Cooper a bust. Would hate to hear what they would be saying if we’d picked White instead.

WCS
Member

Don’t say Kevin’s name out loud, or his kidneys will tear in half.

King Hippo
Member

I still think you get this mongoloid at #3. Who else was seriously trading up for him?

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

I agree with that but he has drafted surprisingly well imho when I’ve had to suffer Phil Emery and Jerry Angelo.

King Hippo
Member

fair point

litre_cola
Member

When do the Ukrainian prostitutes I have heard so much about arrive?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Is it too late to join the anthem protests solely on the basis of shitty primetime game matchups?

Brocky
Member

Yes, you’ve had decades of MNF to voice your complaint

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

But all those Kornheiser statues were put up years after the fact!
/If I’d said Cossell, that could’ve been dicey.

Brocky
Member

My dad watch hank and company during the preshow:

Who are these inbreds?

jjfozz
Member

The Vikings Offensive Line, the ONLY offensive line approved by jerkoff white supremacists everywhere.

Romonobyl
Member

Actually, aren’t all white supremacists (or any supremacists, IMHO), by rote, jerkoffs?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

You’d think they’d be worried about wasting their manly essence and precious bodily fluids.

jjfozz
Member

I recently called a person driving a car with a confederate flag decal a “stupid fuckhole”. Yes, my boys were in the car, but I felt like it was a teaching moment.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Well I’ve seen enough to crown him king of Chicago

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“The sausage king of Chicago?”
-A. Rodgers, with hope in his voice

litre_cola
Member

Beat me to it. Nice work.

King Hippo
Member

0 points is much better than -7

King Hippo
Member

Crazy Eyez is back!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Jesus Christ, ESPN, with how much my neighbor is paying for his cable your streaming service really ought to be better.

Redshirt
Member

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

So I am sitting in my house, in my underwear, with the AC running on full blast, in October…because global warming is a hoax…

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Snowy day in Colorado today. Back in the 50s-60s tomorrow.

King Hippo
Member

It’s all these rapid ups and downs. Migraines a mofo like crazy, man. Can’t wait for the colds to start their viral goodness.

Get your goddamned flu shots, it will be a brutal season.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Be a pity if you had to burn some natural gas to power that AC, hehehe…

Redshirt
Member

I thought the same thing when I was removing leafs from my pool cover when I could’ve be vacuuming the leaves with my pool heater on.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I feel your pain. Been a sweaty few days ’round here too.
Hell, it felt like August here today. Guh

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

This weekend in the OBX was like Satan’s taint. Not even an ocean breeze to knock the heat down a little.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I was gonna head down this week for a day trip for surfing, but screw that.
Next week is fine.
Plus my black and blue ankle I rolled last week is still not great so it wouldn’t have been smart anyway….which wouldn’t have stopped me. So this is good, LOL.

deviantBastard
Member
deviantBastard

#fakenews

litre_cola
Member

How many drunks came here from the small Bears game?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Sassy Ref for Truth Biscuit’s debut. Oh, we fancy!

King Hippo
Member

just keep it turnover free, fuckwad. I need Minny’s D not to score 29+

Redshirt
Member

A Bear QB pass into tight coverage. And a Bear caught it?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

That crowd is louder than Trent Green’s waffle iron

Brocky
Member

Is this a memory joke because I don’t get it

King Hippo
Member

gold, Jerry. GOLD!!

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

It’s time. Erection engaged!

Redshirt
Member

With all the injuries we’ve had yesterday, I’m expecting a player to explode on the field tonight.

WCS
Member

With Drew’s luck, it’ll be Bradford in the first quarter, and Anthony Barr in the third.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Don’t forget Xavier Rhodes in the 2nd and Harrison Smith in the 4th!

King Hippo
Member

We will remember, of course, that Carlin called for landmines on the field nigh 30 years ago.

litre_cola
Member

On the bootleg jersey site I use there are still Hernandez jerseys for sale. Throwback!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Surprised any of those are still hanging around…

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Are we shouting “TRUTH BISCUIT” or “KISSIN’ TITTAYS” whenever the new guy does a thing, be it good or bad?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t want to tell you what to yell during orgasm, except to suggest you go with what feels right at the time.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

The Patron Saint of Kissing Tits

Senor Weaselo
Member

Yes.

Redshirt
Member

The Shield reunited to start Raw. So, Vince has admitted defeat and showed the ending to Raw before football starts.

Gratliff
Member

Do we get two-tone seth and his Neo-nazi mistress?

King Hippo
Member

Seriously, this Truth Biscuit’s facial features don’t line up right. I put the IQ ceiling right around 80.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Seems high for a UNC alum

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

This totally legal stream has incredible HD quality.

King Hippo
Member

yessir, $X thousand in law school loans, and you can lie just this good!

Senor Weaselo
Member

4-0 is good. But considering they blew an 8-3 lead (missed non-challenge or not), I will remain nervously optimistic.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

As long as you’re not blowing an 8′ 3″ load.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I don’t know, for obvious reasons I haven’t checked for distance like a pissing contest.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

Just get a fleshlight and apply the extrapolation algorithm.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I think you have to put it to a radar gun and do a kinematics equation in that case, accounting for air resistance and the like.

litre_cola
Member

That is tough to do while holding the belt around your neck IMO.

King Hippo
Member

inorite??

– Michael Hutchence

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Mark it. I WILL do the DoLoThroDo. For Maestro and DFO.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I’d be willing to do it next year if I’m not working throughout. And searching for Szechuan Sauce.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I too am interested in tasting some of this Czech Juan’s sauce.”

– Aaron Rodgers, contemplating an exotic delight

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Meh. He keeps winning like that, I’ll take his sauce. Go fuck your jelly selves.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Wow, Southern California is ON FIRE!

yeah right
Member

You should see the air quality over where I work – El Segundo. I thought it was marine layer at first until I started seeing ash and shit falling from the sky. Anaheim Hills is like 40 miles from here too.

Goddamn Santa Ana winds.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show (Sponsored by Fleshlight)

I left my wallet there in 1990

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Goddamn climate mutation, bro. You can take solace in all of us being fucked sooner or later…

King Hippo
Member

why don’t yer legislature just outlaw it like North Cakalaky’s!?

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Naw, wildfires are part of the natural ecosystem of California and they always have been. Every 20 years a hill should burn to stay healthy. Giant sequoias don’t spread seeds until their trunks are scorched, which indicates a burn has cleared the deadwood, opened the canopy, and left nutrients for the seeds to grow in. The only difference is that lately people have built houses in stupid places and there are cameras everywhere.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Sure, and hurricanes have always existed. And windstorms, and thunderstorms, etc. But one has to look at the intensity and frequency with which they are occurring. More + stronger = climate mutation.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I totally believe in global warming and man-made climate mutation. HOWEVER, California wildfires are not a barometer of that, regardless of how awesome they look. They only indicate that an area hasn’t burned in 20 years or more, often because of man-made fire suppression policies that are bad for the natural ecosystem yet protect rich fucker’s idiotic cliff-side mansions.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cali is drier and hotter and has had more dramatic periodic “monsoons” in recent years with climate change; that combined with what you say here is a recipe for hotter, more destructive fires and subsequent mudslides and flooding.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I’m in Playa and the sun light is deep red!

yeah right
Member

Just moved my car to get it closer to the door at work and there’s already about 1/8″ of ash all over everything.

Every fucking October, man!

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I have absolutely no ash (or wind) and I’m right on the other side of LAX.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I want to die.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The good news is: you’ll get to.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Hooray!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

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blaxabbath
Member

I just wanted to pop in and let you all know I’m already laughing at what will come from one of the Quotables submission gifs. In many ways NBC SNF is absolutely horrid trash — but every once in a while they really produce.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Any and all Jets-Browns gifs just need Yakety Sax.

yeah right
Member

CUBS WIN!
WOOOOO!!!!!!

King Hippo
Member

noooooooooo!!!!

/at least SAWX are out, can’t get too greedy

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

U*NC

Beerboyreggie is the best. Simply the best.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Indeed.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hey, Luis Severino’s already having a better start than last time!

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