Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 15, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

It was a week that gave us definitive answers on “Are the Jaguras and RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! really for reals?”

Uh…yeah.

Odd Week Jaguras welcomed the sad-sack, imaginary side from Yooooouuuuston, with toe owie Hopkins.  They held out Leonard Fournette.  Marquise Lee got injured early.  Neither mattered in the slightest.  45-7.  Yeah, if someone from the junior circuit is to stop Satan’s Sluts from a repeat, it will be Duval’s finest.  Fucking strange as that is to come to grips with, it is reality.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT?  They came up a FG shy of JAX’ mark, but had 34 to the SeaTruthers’ zip at the half, and it was all over but the bitchiness.  Throw in an intentional grounding safety for extra humiliation.  Gurley Man had 4 TDs and somehow even more fantasy points than KHunt on Saturday night.  MVP?  Folk should at least be talking about it.

For once, the hype was not just hype, and Massholes/Yinzers was quite the footy match.  We enjoyed another fine existential chapter in WHAT IS A CATCH? and PIT got to eat a little shit maybe as Karma for all the fuckery they pulled in Cincinnati a few weeks ago.  Anyway, one hates to see the P*ts benefit, but fuck feeling bad for Yinzburgh.  Hopefully, the stars shall align to make the Jaguras our rightful #1 seed.  FUCK YOU, it could happen.  Also, The Ben is The Biggest Dumb Piece of Shit that ever there was.  HARF!

Janeane Garafalo?  She pulled out another win, with help from erstwhile buddy Robbie Gould, 25-23 over the suddenly-reeling Titans.  Sorry, DonT.  It ain’t look good.

Catler in the snow/cold was about what one would expect.  3 picks, 4 fumbles (all of which he managed to recover).  Buffalo, being Buffalo, still almost managed to cock it up, or at least blow my cover.  Even surrendered an onside kick, but ultimately the 24-16 final held.

Turns out Mistuh Richardson is a racialist.  Gee, knock me over with a feather.  Anyway, his breeding stock is on the auction block, fresh off a 31-24 win over A.A. Ron’s Pack.  Another successful onside kick in this one, but Davante Adams’ replacement (fuck you, Thomas Davis, for that chickenshit hit) fumbled inside of 2 minutes to seal the deal.

The Jets covered in the Superdome, 19-31.  The Bryce Petty Jets.  Strange year is strange.  Alabama has a Demmycratic U.S. Senator, in case you didn’t hear.

Cincinnati?  Uh, they did not win one, nor compete in one, for Marvin.  He will depart at the end of the year, and nobody could give a tin shit, it would seem.  Congrats to Minnesota, your NFC North champions.  And to Teddy Bridgewater, for walking under his own power into the huddle again.  Nice moment.

I really thought #ThePauls would get their one win today.  I am really fucking stupid sometimes.  Balmer remains mathematically alive, let us all curse under our breath about that (you are excused, tWBS and fozz).

Redacteds/Birdcano was as dreadful as one might imagine.  If’n you like FGs, there were 7 combined.  Kapri Bibbs had 1 of the 2 ‘Dacted TDs, and I had no idea the former Donks practice squad darling was still alive.  The Flow’s 15 minutes might just about be up.

Elisha threw for over 400 yards today.  No shit!  And Los Gigantes lost, because that’s just how they roll.  Philly continues to fulfill the Litre_Cola prophecy.  Foles really is quite competent.

That leaves our wet fart Sunday nightcap of Pokes at Raiders.  Dallas squandered a 10-zip halftime margin, and it was 17-all with 9+ minutes to play, seemingly next score wins.  Then Dallas scored.  The end.  (oh yeah, Derek Carr managed to lose in a more misery-inducing way than The Ben did, courtesy of the dreaded pylon stretch WOMP WOMP)

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Gamboling and FF Rage Hippo Thoughts”?

Redshirt

Apparently this season has become Yu-Gi-Oh!, as I have sent the last two Bengals seasons to the Graveyard to summon that Steelers screwjob-n-derp.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
theeWeeBabySeamus

Later that day, Goldie ripped the photographer’s throat out.
Justifiably.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is why we’d be the best of friends IRL.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He’ looks way too chill, like those dogs are; I’m thinking meat treats were involved, and maybe the assurity that one is, indeed, a good dog.

Beerguyrob

I skipped the Seahawks game yesterday & gave my brother the tickets. Brother-in-law’s 50th birthday seemed more important, and I like sleeping in the same bed as my wife.

My brother texted me at halftime asking why I hated him & what had he done to deserve that.

Senor Weaselo

And? What did he do?

Beerguyrob

He knows!

theeWeeBabySeamus

They always do.
They act like they don’t, but they know.

monty this seems strange to me

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nomonkeyfun

It truly is beautiful, the Giants are obviously at the end of their run with Eli Manning. They are now in position to get the second pick in the draft, get a solid QB, and return to mediocrity with flashes of greatness.

The Jets in a season where they gave every appearance of intending to tank, now have the 10th pick in the draft. The Jests are so incompetent they can’t even fail properly.

Meanwhile, #ThePauls, will draft another QB this year, so they can add ore names to the Tim Couch jersey.

Senor Weaselo

Hooray for incompetence! Wait, sorry, the opposite of that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Browns have now won 2 of their last 41 games. That’s a 0.049 win percentage.

ballsofsteelandfury

How is that even possible? Why do people in Cleveland still show up to games?

nomonkeyfun

Because it’s the least depressing thing to do in Cleveland when the Cavs aren’t around.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The worst winning percentage in basketball history was 0.110 (9-73) by the 1972-73 Sixers.

Senor Weaselo

But did they #TrustTheProcess afterwards?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The important thing is that Roger Goodell still has his money, contract stability, and complete authoritarian control over his domain.

ballsofsteelandfury

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litre_cola

I know who that is Balls and aye she is a right rocket

Wakezilla

He is master of his domain

monty this seems strange to me

BOLD PREDICTION: The pylon stretch rule gets changed in the offseason, and the offense retains the ball at the spot of the fumble.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, so as I understand it you’re making the BOLD PREDICTION that the Patriots are somehow hindered by the rule during the playoffs?

LemonJello
LemonJello

We can only hope it’s a key element in a second celebration of P*triots Schadenfreude Day.

Redshirt

I like the “Reverse Touchback” suggestion: ball is sent to the 20 yard line and the down counts. It punishes the offense for fumbling out of the endzone, but it doesn’t take them off the scoreboard.

blaxabbath

Local media at least has BLAINE GABBERT pinned as a backup but, you see, Bruce Arians already has a backup in Drew Stanton. So while the urgency to jump a handful of draft spots (even fewer if they tank out — with NYG and @SEA remaining) to get a franchise signal caller might seem like the correct move (a la RAMMIT/PHI), the Bidwills will settle for either, (a) standing pat in the draft and taking whatever scrub falls to them; or (b) giving Cousins a contract that guarantees him more than the franchise tag value for 6 years.

So things are about back to normal here in the desert.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Balmer remains mathematically alive, let us all curse under our breath about that (you are excused, tWBS and fozz).

As if Fozz or meself has ever cursed!! Surely you jest.
(well, at least not under our breath)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate Puffy but I don’t hate this:

ballsofsteelandfury

“Wait, whu?”

– Cam Newton

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In all honesty, with how athletic each of them are, they could run a two-quarterback system where the other one floats out as a pass catcher. It would be fun as hell.

nomonkeyfun

Can you imagine the shots to the head Cam and Kaep would take if they were playing as a receiver?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s an old wives tale. I played as a receiver for fourteen seasons, and you never saw me take any shots to the head.”

– Trent Green

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Shots? Looks like I’ve been playing the wrong position.”

– J.F. Football, Esq

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Shogun Marcus

That guarantees he will NEVAR own an NFL franchise.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Indeed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If the Raiders had played the entire season with half as much heart as they played with in the second half against the Cowboys they’d be 10-4 right now.

litre_cola

The only game I got wrong was donT’s Titans. I drank the koolaid way too early.

Nick Foles v Raiders next week…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nick Foles is in the Hall of Fame, ppl forget that.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Did he get lost looking for the exit?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Huh. I was expecting to see a photograph of an offensive lineman for the Shanahan era Broncos.

ballsofsteelandfury

Once again, Ben trying to force it in when he shouldn’t gets him in trouble.

Horatio Cornblower

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If by “it” you mean the Raiders season, yes, it’s been done for two weeks now.

Shogun Marcus

I need 32 points from Matty Ice. Yeah, that’ll happen.
/Congrats Don T!

ballsofsteelandfury

Winning AT Seattle was actually impressive. I may have to concede the point.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Happy thought: Sarah Sanders and dozens of other cretinous gender traitors have found men to fuck them and have kids, but Ann Coulter has apparently reached menopause alone and without a biological heir to her vast troll hoard.

Don T

Really looking forward to Black Monday.
/ninja smoke bomb
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Jed York do smart? That unpossible!

Senor Weaselo

But is Don T elite?
/Yes, yes he is.