Your “In No Way Was This Prepped Before The Weekend” Christmas Day Open Thread

Any errors in coverage are simply a result of Roger Goodell seeking to ruin my preparation in favour of the Patriots.

Game Previews:

Pittsburgh at Houston – 4:30PM | NBC / NFLN / TSN

The Steelers will have spent the weekend hoping the Bills can pull off some kind of miracle and beat the Patriots in Foxboro, because they know the Jags will likely wreck the 49ers. Pittsburgh really needs this to avoid having to play on Wild Card Weekend, so they will have an air of desperation about them when they take the field. Luckily, THE BEN still has Le’Veon Bell, Martavis Bryant and JuJu Smith-Schuster.

The Texans are playing for pride. I have no idea who their starting quarterback will be, and who he has to throw to. All I know is that Jadeveon Clowney is still really good, and he’ll be looking to pound #7 into the ground, in the vainglorious belief the Texans might rebuild around him and not the oft-broken JJ Watt.

Still, having to road trip to Houston at Christmas?

Oakland at Philadelphia – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN

As with the Steelers, so too with the Raiders.

I covered all of this last week, so no point rehashing the obvious. The Raiders season is over. Sure, there’s an outside chance of them making the playoffs, but I have a better chance of a threeway with Scarlett Johansson & Jennifer Lawrence.

  

I would disappoint them in ways they never imagined.

I don’t think Jack Del Rio is at risk of losing his job, but some of the Raiders starters are playing for theirs. So expect them to take plenty of chances early, and if the game gets out of hand expect to see all the backups.

For the Eagles, the job is quite simple: PROTECT NICK FOLES! It sounds strange to be concerned about him this late into 2017, but it’s been a strange season, so here we are. Their backup, unless they sign someone over the weekend, is a kid named Nick Sudfeld, who played four years at Indiana & was drafted by the [Redacteds] in 2016; the Eagles got him on waivers in September 2017.

The Eagles also need this game to maintain distance and, if the weekend fell the right way, clinch the #1 seed in the NFC. Expect them to come out strong, and their plan is to beat the Raiders into submission by halftime so they can rest some starters in the second half. Now I wish they still had Mark Sanchez.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Steelers at Texans – 4:20PM | NBC / NFLN / TSN
    • Raiders at Eagles – 8:15PM | ESPN / TSN
  • NBA:
    • Cavs at Warriors – 3:00PM | ABC / Sportsnet
    • Wizards at Celtics – 5:30PM | ABC / TSN2
    • Rockets at Thunder – 8:00PM | ABC / Sportsnet
    • Timberwolves at Lakers – 10:30PM | TNT / Sportsnet
  • Beisbol:
    • Springfield of Dreams: The Legend of Homer Simpson – 10:00PM | FS1
  • Lucha:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Enjoy your day, and remember – Tryptophan is your friend. TURKEY NAPS MEAN NO HUMAN INTERACTION!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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...

/emerges from cloud of pot smoke

A DOG THAT BRINGS YOU GIFTS ON CHRISTMAS NAMED SANTA PAWS

litre_cola

DOES SANTA PAWS LIKE HILLING FOLES?

...

No.

I mean.

Man, do you have any idea how crazy you sound?

litre_cola

Every god damned day

Doktor Zymm

Ok, signal on the tv just went out, that’s a sign I should go sleepies. I leave you with a final santa :
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Nite Dok.

King Hippo

Oakland wants it MOAR

litre_cola

I blame you for Greg the leg getting hurt, North Korea and the Eagles losing.

King Hippo

I warn everyone up front that I am the fucking worst

litre_cola

So you would be ‘evil’ our name, and I am the good one? I will take it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Seems legit at the moment.

Doktor Zymm

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Wakezilla

Did someone punch JJ Watt in the face? His right eye looks off, as does his nose

Doktor Zymm

Selfie injury?

Game Time Decision

Only if done in front of a log cabin In the woods.

King Hippo

Speaking of, why hasn’t he gotten a horrific ax wound yet?

Game Time Decision

Cuz we’re not that lucky and not allowed to have nice things

Gratliff

Windchill of -10. FML I can feel it coming through the walls.

Doktor Zymm

That foam window tape is pretty good, but since that’s not something you can do tonight, just bundle up and be happy you don’t have to go outside

Gratliff

I spent a winter in northern Michigan working outside starting at 5 am. I expected to get used to it. Nope. Sucked the whole time, sucked before, still sucks now.

Doktor Zymm

I believe it. I will tell stories to uninterested young people about how awful waiting for the bus in weather that flash freezes exposed skin was for all my days.

King Hippo

as I get older, the humidity here just sucks more and more. The whole “you get used to it” is a BIG LIE

...

Just wandering around the house alternately screaming “FILL MY FOLES” and “SCORIGAMI” as my confused, frightened family looks on.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I’m sure the Stockholm syndrome will kick in soon and they will offer you pie

King Hippo

this will help greatly if you are trying to go recluse

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

All right, Christmas dinner has coursed through my intestines faster than Cameron Heyward through the Texans line. I’m gonna take a TJ Yates and then sleep.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Rob’s fault, fwiw….
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Wakezilla

Ever see her perform live? Her body is even more impressive. Same with Bayley, who’s torso in person is more impressive

Beastmode Ate My Baby

That sounded stalker-y and serial killer-like. Very nice!

Gratliff

Also, true.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

True story: I tied IWDB in a game in our FF league last year.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Does that mean I get to wrestle with HER in my underwear?

Sorry, I had to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably IWDB’s reaction to my inquiry.
I honestly can’t believe she hasn’t cussed me out yet.

She’s a good sport, thank god.

rockingdog

Suzy!!!!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I could care less that the Jets are struggling… can I get a kiss under the Duracell mis-l-toeeee?

Gratliff

it me, the extremely missing Carson Wentz guy

King Hippo

FOOTBAW!!!

Game Time Decision

Being sick at Christmas sucks. Had soda crackers and half a bowl of chicken noodle soup for dinner. And that’s the most I’ve had for 2 days.

King Hippo

I appreciate this game actually being played like a professional footballing contest

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Red Pandas are awesome.

Doktor Zymm

they really, really are

Unsurprised

And yet giant pandas are the worst mammals ever.

...

*looks exasperated while gesturing at all the humans*

Doktor Zymm

what kind of panda are you?

...

/shakes head at foolish human
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Doktor Zymm

SLOTHS ARE THE BEST

rockingdog

oh shit. Alshon Jeffrey has 0 sooo far, nada, nothing. weird.

Doktor Zymm

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Let me know when Alexa comes out as a sexy elf. Or sexy anything.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

The Ham Sammiching has begun!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Why couldn’t this have been the earlier game? I actually want to watch the second half of this one, but it’s super late and I should get some sleep

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Super late? It’s not even super late on the right coast yet.
We really have lost you.

Unsurprised

It’s 7pm and I’ve been sleeping all day. It may as well be 4am after a 5-day stretch of insomnia.

Doktor Zymm

I’m in Aruba, it’s atlantic time zone

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t keep up with you without a freaking itinerary…sheeesh.

There’s beaches there, why you wasting time with us idiots?

Doktor Zymm

I spent all this morning snorkling, now it is nighttime and solo night swimming is…not the saftest, so football watching

theeWeeBabySeamus

112.83 to 112.98 currently.
My dream of underwear wrestling might come to fruition after all.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

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King Hippo

most obvs holding EVAR

The Maestro

Howdy, folks. Excellent Xmas here in the Maestro household. Tons of good food, an afternoon skate, and some quality gift-giving, but I gotta pack in kinda early tonight because Lady Maestro and I are embarking on a 14-hour drive to see her family (and mine) out in Nova Scotia in the morning. Hope you and yours had a great day as well.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Just play Gordon Lightfoot over Eyes Wide Shut and save the 14 hours.

Doktor Zymm

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theeWeeBabySeamus

So this time it’s nawt nawt a catch?

rockingdog

you got it! soo weird

Doktor Zymm

Who knows anymore

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hi, I have returned. Family already wants to kill me because mechanical keyboard is loud. Trackball mouse is fun.

Raiders-Iggles on Monday night? I’ll take the over on Santas with their dicks hanging out.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, he wasn’t touched before the ball came out

King Hippo

ohhhhhhh, shit

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Kevin Spacey defense

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit.
I really miss Buddy when he’s not here.

Fronkenshteen

CHALLENGE!!

King Hippo

He had such a good look at it, the fuck did he think he saw?

rockingdog

Sooooo is it a fumble?

Doktor Zymm

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...

Batteries not included.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha HA!!!
Nice.

Gratliff

here we have Philly Santa showing off the gifts he stole from the saddest families in the city, as is tradition.

Fronkenshteen

Is Alshon Jeffery alive?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Not according to my FF lineup

King Hippo

see, betcha that quick kick rolls ded inside the 10, at worst

theeWeeBabySeamus

Why are NC booze stores closed tomorrow?
Sunday and Holiday Monday not enough?

(says the guy who really should stay away from teh booze store)

King Hippo

J-E-S-U-S

theeWeeBabySeamus

Missing California even moar now.

Unsurprised

Hellworld is real.

Gratliff

We had a pizza party thing at work friday and I noticed that Intern was eating pizza with a fork. I was right to openly deride him for this in front of his peers and superiors, right?

King Hippo

HR should have written you up had you not

Doktor Zymm

Absolutely! It’s better he learns now before it ruins his life for good

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You didn’t just fire him outright?

Gratliff

Alas, I don’t have that authority. He also voted for Trump last year because it was funny and he wasn’t going to win anyway, in a state Trump narrowly won. That may have come up 5 or 6 times. He kept looking for someone to defend him, but then they joined in. Social controls work.

Doktor Zymm

The system works! Not the political system tho

...

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King Hippo

fuck yo’ opposable thumbs

Game Time Decision

Change your water filter.
/has same fridge

Doktor Zymm

I hope that stands just cause it’s a beast catch, booo holding

rockingdog

Holding!!!! LOL

theeWeeBabySeamus

Checking in on the Beastie/Hippo semifinal to get crushed next week…

Still a dead heat.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Alshon Jeffrey decided to take a nap.

King Hippo

a quick kick would be awesome here

King Hippo

/yes, I’m high

litre_cola

#metoo

King Hippo

aside from that one 4th and 2 play call, JDR has a really good gameplan tonight

Gratliff

I feel like the Eagles getting fucking massacred on slants last week may come up in some of these games

King Hippo

Tactically, I really want to see that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! re-match sometime in the playoffs. Will be great teevee.

Doktor Zymm

In fairness, this is the Philadelphia Santa :
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve had this happen in real life.
I was semi-homicidal.

Scrape your cars, ppl.

Gratliff

Iggles social media understands its audience.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby

THESE DURACELLS, I CALL THEM BATTERIES BECAUSE WARREN SAPP HIT ME WITH A SOCK FULL OF THEM.

litre_cola

He was just giving you the batteries for his gift.

rockingdog

wait what? did santa really get snowballs thrown at him by the fans? the Philly fans?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I warned ya about this fixture, Litre!

King Hippo

wrong place

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

I have no worries that it will fit in tight Foles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Pats would have gotten a flag there

King Hippo

I mean, he did LOOK AT HIM

ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s 8 years ago FFS.
What good is that gonna do us?

ballsofsteelandfury

There’s a website. I’m sure there’s a new event coming soon.

litre_cola

There was a fisting workshop at Burning Man