Howdy, lizard people, it’s time for another House of Pain with your friendly neighborhood… hold on, I’m getting something in my fake earpiece.
…I’m doing what? Are you sure? Me? Okay, just remember who’s doing it when it becomes a shitshow!
Welp, I’ve got bad news, this isn’t House of Pain, and BattleBots Season 3 still hasn’t come out yet. (What the fuck TV companies, Robot Wars is doing fine on the BBC although it isn’t on BBC America yet, get on this shit ASAP.) Apparently this is Sexy Friday, to be done by yours truly. You know, me, that strapping casanova with all the charms of a modern-day Don Juan (minus the skeeviness of course)? What, stop laughing, I got through writing that sentence without doing it!
Not only that but this is the first TGISF of 2018! Which means this better be a doozy. So let’s see what I can come up with, but first, let’s do a quick rundown of what we did this week, with a segment I’d like to call This Week in DFO. (Also it’s an excuse for me to post “Jet Set” from This Week in Baseball.)
This Week in DFO
• Don T’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve didn’t have Mariah Carey asking for her tea.
• We sang the praises of the Browns Pauls for going 0-16.
• We took a ride on the coaching carousel took a look at the Coach Recycling Center and let the speculation begin!
• Pete Carroll and Litre_Cola debuted new series about conspiracies and quarterbacks, respectively.
• tWBS and Balls took a look at The Big Lebowski.
• Only one thing can possibly outdo HRTN: HRTN! IN! SPAAAAAAAAAAACE! (I think.)
And of course, the usual things, Quotables and Hippo Thoughts keep doing their things, and Balls’ LA Football Beat shows the final quarter of games from all the football teams in the area. And also the Shitty Clippers! And then we also debated the Wild Card games in case you feel tempted by the neon talons of GAMBLOR.
Now, for less important news.
NFL News
Potential drama in Foxboro? An ESPN piece came out last night about a power struggle between Brady, Belichick, and Robert Kraft.
The Bills sent 1440 wings and the assorted accoutrements from Duff’s to the Bengals.
• I’ll have to ask my Bills fan friend which wing place is the Real Famous Original Ray’s.
Ryan Shazier can feel his legs again. His dad hopes and believes he’ll be able to play again.
And lastly, THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, JON GRUDEN, I CALL HIM THE NEW COACH OF THE OAKLAS VEGAS RAIDERS, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE GOT ANNOUNCED AS TODAY.
• He’ll be announced on Tuesday and will be signed to a 10 year deal worth at least $100M. And a possible ownership stake. Yeah, I know, that’s probably insane. Did I say probably? I meant definitely.
Other Sports News
Paul Pierce doesn’t want his jersey retirement night to coincide with the Celtics’ tributes to Isaiah Thomas (the one playing for the Cavs) on his return to Boston.
Okay. So that’s out of the way. Now, I should probably come up with a theme. Not to piggyback off of Balls (phrasing), but since this is the first TGISF of the year, let me go over my resolutions and see if I can come up with anything.
• Practice more. Teaching small children violin after school is a pain in the ass and somehow traffic has gotten worse. But I can’t be so worn out after that I just want to flop on the couch and watch TV. I’ve got a plan for that.
• Finish writing some things. I need to put the finishing touches on a piano trio I’ve been working on, but I need to edit the last movement so the piano part isn’t boring. I also need to edit my violin sonata so pianists don’t murder me when I ask them to play it. Plus I can’t have a sequel/reboot of the anti-Valentine’s concert until it’s ready!
• More shameless plugging! (On proper networks.) Namely, I have two performances from a year or more ago that have not been uploaded to the Youtubes. One of them is because out of the two I don’t know which one is less bad, the other because I think the video’s on the parentals’ computer? I’m not sure, honestly. Point is I need to locate it.
There are less nerdy ones though!
• Find ways to get out more. Similar to the “practice more” one, I have learned that post-graduation in the music world can be a very lonely one. I actually got that advice on a date a while back, the date was very nice but I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere because the girl thought she was too old for me and pretty much told me that. Doing the math (which I can do, and just an estimation), it was probably bunk, but whatcha gonna do? Speaking of…
• Go on more dates than I did in 2017. Because I can’t possibly go on fewer dates than in 2017! (For that number is zero. I went and did things that would be considered date-like excursions with ladies I’d be interested in, but again, none of these were dates.)
• At least try to flirt a little. This will probably not go well. I was acceptable at the now-seemingly-defunct DFO Poker Club because I didn’t have to worry about a poker face, of being calm or anything like that. (And also late enough in the night tWBS would just go all in every hand and I would just pick which hand would be my battleground.) In reality, I do… not have that ability. But it would be one I’d like to be a little better at. As it is now I would say it’s a matter of comfort with the person. On a related note, someone did try to flirt with me this week at a pizzeria, her friends put her up to it. I immediately shot this down, because she was 15 or so, and I’m not a losing Senate candidate from Alabama. Fuck outta here.
So I guess it comes back to re-igniting myself. Or igniting myself in the first place. To be better. Bolder.
No, not that. For me, the way to describe it would be… 2018 needs to be another year where I’m wearing red throughout.
Now we’re getting somewhere!
To give a recap of why red, well… it kinda became my color in my undergrad years. My first recital was a joint undertaking with another friend of mine, and since she would be wearing a blue dress, I decided on a red shirt. And that concert became a breakout of an evening for both of us, but definitely for me. And even though I’ve worn other colors, blue for my junior recital, my dark purple shirt for my senior and for one of my solo performances with orchestra, I’m seemingly at my most fearless and showy in my reds, whether playing or when I realize there’s something I have to do. So without further ado… we have movie sign! I mean theme!
Can they be… wearing a little less red? And fewer celebs and more just plain sexiness? Okay, sure.
As for the gents… well all the red suits look like dumbasses and/or douchebags. But let’s see what we find…
And one last image, cropped for people’s security.
Namely, mine. WHAT, I CAN TRY TO BE SEXY, IT WAS A PART OF THE RESOLUTION AND EVERYTHING!
This is the Mk. II, named such because, well, it’s the second of the red shirts. I still have the Mk. I, the original. Now I only save it for the most special of occasions. It’s a legend, and legends never die.
Now for some music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs
So what’s on tonight? (All times DFO Standard)
NBA: Even if nobody cares because it’s just the same good teams, and my Knicks can’t win on the road.
WAS vs. MEM, 8:30, ESPN
NHL: Even if nobody cares yet because the season goes on forever, but hey, Rangers won the Classic!
PIT vs. NYI, should be in the 2nd by now, TSN
NCAA: Even if St. John’s still sucks.
Wisconsin vs. Rutgers, should be around halftime and Wisconsin should be leading by many, ESPN2
St. Peter’s vs. Iona, also second half-ish, ESPNU
Northwestern vs. Penn State, 7:00, FS1
Wright State vs. Detroit Mercy, 8:00, ESPNU (Detroit Mercy? I thought that was not going to Detroit)
N. Kentucky vs. Oakland, 8:00, ESPN2
Oregon vs. Oregon State, 9:00, FS1 (Woo rivalry hoopsball!)
And then your other regional action that I don’t wanna look up.
So that about wraps it up. I believe tWBS will return next week, and thank goodness, because there’s no fucking way I could do this every week.
Anyway, have at it, and leave your inevitable pitchforks to the side and keep the torches next to me because it’s goddamn cold. Go do the thing!
There will be a new House of Pain eventually, but in the meantime, you should all know that the 6th Annual NYC Hot Sauce Expo will be April 21st and 22nd at the Brooklyn Expo Center. As of now I’m planning to go the 22nd, which is that Sunday. If you are also interested, let me know. Maybe we’ll even make a thing of it! Those Vegas parties have had it all to themselves for too long…
For the week?
Damn
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Unlike me, she doesn’t appear to be growing.
Exceptional ball talent
She’ll muff it eventually.
No muff there.
Selfie vid?
That’s me in the back seat
I bet you never forgot to buckle up after that.
About five seconds after this shot I puked, pissed, and shit all over the inside of that plane for about ten minutes straight.
The Dame approves.
I discovered some good wholesome family fun with Wakezilla-ette. Elmo with Katy Perry. She gets Elmo while I get Katy Perry’s tits
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwZnCkoX5gI
Didn’t Sesame Street refuse to air this?
I think they aired it, but permanently removed the episode once some frumpy mom got jelly
It was dumped because her boobs were considered a bit too spectacular, at least for PBS kid shows
Another reason not to fly Spirit Airlines:
“I wanted to fly Spirit, not become one.”
(That’s very obviously a B-52, though. I even remember that incident.)
Actually more a reason not to trust Air Force pilots with a deathwish.
Yeah, that was a weak joke by me. He was an AF pilot with a history of being a hot dog. Not a good idea when driving heavy bombers.
That butt should be archived in the Smithsonian so future Earth life forms can learn about the better part of human history.
I’ve seen The Godfather dozens of times. This can’t be the first time I realized Barzini set up the meeting between Michael and Solazzo in Tessio’s territory knowing that Tessio would know it and set up the hit, thus ensuring the war began.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2Oe5YKhzCE
You won’t believe what happened to the Titanic then!
Ook!
Shake it, baby.
Duke Nukem 3D?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq0H-1IuaY8
https://youtube.com/watch?v=XN32lLUOBzQ&feature=youtu.be
Humble Bundle’s got Civ 6 + DLC up for $12, so I did the stupid thing, and I can’t account for the last 10 hours of my life.
Same for me but because of alcohol.
Wow, you guys are really still awake, huh?
OK I guess. Have a little something something…while I deal with my own heartburn.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW6E_TNgCsY
NEVER SLEEP
They came to campus and played a concert while I was in college. It was entertaining but not amazing music.
Everclear makes me think of my father, in that if I want to see either one I have to go to the county fair.
Ouch.
Art is a pretty cool dude. Lotsa demons (comes thru in the music) but he deals well.
I like him, anyway. I guess these days that’s not the best endorsement though.
This song reminds me of a girl I dated, mainly because we dated when this song got radio time and ended when radios stopped playing it.
/Cool story bro
I had to go to the Apple Store yesterday and one of the employees was wearing a pork pie hat (usually mistaken for a fedora). I wanted to kick his ass just on principle, but especially because he also had the requisite beard and glasses and was a gangly white douche.
I you had talked PUA tactics with him he probably would have given you a free iPhone.
I hate hipsters almost as much as I hate Illinois Nazis…and I really hate Illinois Nazis.
Not Hat Guy/10
Ok back from dinner and on day :counts fingers: 5 of self-imposed sobriety. Who’s got teh funny tonight?
Congrats, I’m following your lead. Not always very easy.
Yeah, Q4 was a little boozy so definitely need a dry out. Probably only holding out til a wedding next weekend.
Good call, nobody should experience any wedding on the wagon.
Yes, I got you covered; sobriety from being funny, coming right up!
Blink twice if you need rescued.
Oh – I alone mention that Mike Tirico is one the commentators for tonight.
Mirai Nagasu showed up with a puppy. HOW CAN YOU NOT ROOT FOR HER NOW?
They have therapy dogs and stuffed animals available for all the competitors, because participation trophies are so last year.
The first half of that statement is actually true.
The Russian in the Olympics are like the Patriots in the NFL. No matter what the final score, I will never, EVER believe they have won legitimately.
Plus they stole our U-2 which they probably reverse engineered and used to illegally film us and then destroyed the tapes!
How’s Todd gonna get out of Hell this time
I miss triangle and bob
So who drew Fire and Fury for their DFO book report?
Brain Genious Bannon proving he is a grandmaster of 12-dimensional chess.
But it worked, to the joke’s on… all of us.
I’m disappointed that Trump didn’t use the “sloppy” insult on Joe Biden.
Magary (get it?)
Off now foar realz to eat my spicy food and then whatever.
Enjoy your night folks.
It’s cold out…stay warm.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEaxoSMUgXI
Oi, so you Canadas. You convinced me. Imma do the Calgary Stampede thing. Haven’t booked flights yet but….serious, how does this work, what’s good?
It’s just like Pamplona, but instead of bulls they have cops on really old horses.
Andy Dufeline
Whatever happened to Canadian Skater Elvis Stoiko? He seemed pretty cool
He had a sweet mullet in his younger days.
http://www.citylifemagazine.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elvis-stojko.jpg
Hasn’t been that same since he started his Vegas act.
He became Elvis Grbac. You know the rest of the story.
Tara Lipinisky about asked Johnny Weir if he was ready to get “dressed up and fancy”.
That’s like asking Hank Williams Jr. if he’s ready for some football.
Beat me to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvNzhKTXweQ&ab_channel=onthehalfshel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD1cxSE25ck
Ok, If I was in the audience at a GT Conversation Street, and Jeremy pulled some of his shit….just…NO anecdotal does not equal true. What happened to your friend is not universal. Human evolution has not caught up with all sorts of shit, including instant communication. We’re already shit at being intuitive about probability without being exposed to every goddamn outlier and edge case. So yeah, I get why you jump to that assumption, it’s millenia of heuristics and it was probably right 1000 or even 500 years ago, but damn, re-evaluate now.
I really have to try that orange liqueur.
Please don’t.
no no, it’s just regular gin with a commercial product that is soda water and OJ.
That’s not better.
That’s not butter.
I think the main reason Brits seem quaint and nonthreatening to Americans is their use of the word “telly.”
That, and the Americans have the Enterprise.
The Brits have the Tardis,
Any questions?
yer goddamn right
Damn straight!
This may be subjective, but Tardis >>>>>>>Enterprise. And actually, not subjective, but moving through time and space is strictly greater than just moving through space.
They also call trucks “Lorries”.
(Lorry’s?)
Doesn’t matter.
Don’t get me started on cucumber sandwiches.
I mean…there is also the average American’s complete aversion to learning a damn thing about history
We invented the TV GODDAMMIT and we’ll CALL IT WHAT WE LIKE!
Not exactly sure how they are stretching the definition of the word “birthplace” here.
I appreciate that they considered how difficult it may be to turn it off and on
You only have to get up and walk over to the tv to turn it on and off! So convenient!
smh how can they fire Donovan McNabb without dna evidence cause you know he would’ve puked in his office before attempting to harass someone.
I bet even I could lift that dumbbell…at least once.
Back to the workout:
Noob Noob approves….
He seems nice
And now we’re watching ice skating. I feel like Ashley Wagner is skating’s equivalent of tennis’ Jennifer Capriati. Like, if you showed up to a tournament and managed to figure out which hotel room she was in, she would totally come down and party with you.
Tara and Johnny are fucking gold and always will be.
Oh, so around June or so, I might have a couple of United Club passes to give away in some sort of contest. Two things :
a) would people actually be interested in that as a prize?
b) if so, seeing as it’s offseason in June, okay if whatever I come up with is not super football related?
a)yesb)yes
I’m not sure what this means. Maybe I need to be drunker. But am open to it. Probably.
As long as you’re not gonna peg me. Well at least not without prior consent.
😛
Well, I thought it was funny.
Oh well.
Chin up, buddy. We are all laughing.
I wanted folks to laugh with me for a change.
Oh well. I’ll mosey along now.
#ChinUp is the NFL’s planned campaign to distract fans from the concussion issue for the next two years.
Yes to all.
Maybe a game of “Guess the Next Hollywood A-lister to Fall to #metoo”?
What’s United Club?
Duh, it’s that soccer team in England, dummy.
Love their scarfs
A) Free anything is great
2) It should be super NOT football related
Maybe bring back a puzzle and make them the prize? Or just give them to me I’ll take them.
I’m hungry. Gon’ go make something spicy.
Then eat it.
Then wash my hands thoroughly before masturbating.
I’ll nevar make that mistake again.
Have a nice night my friends.
Hope you don’t wear contacts, also learned that the hard way after making homemade salsa.
I do.
But they’re already out for tonight. Glasses make my penis look huge.
Bonus.
Binoculars and telescopes too, as long as you frame it right. Relative perspective is a bitch.
Pfft, amateur.
We are watching Teen Wolf. You would be surprised at how good it is. That is not to say that it is good, just that it is probably better than you thought it would be.
No. No. Just, no.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6V2oCX3Hn4
am out. See you people tomorrow for Titans cover and RAMMMMIITTT win.
Just have yesterday’s GT left to catch up on. New and different sparkling orange drink is made of actual juice in sparkling water, and therefore much better than that toxic Dasani blood orange shit I was whinging about a few weeks ago. There is also a watermelon version that I’m looking forward to trying with some gin, tomorrow perhaps.
Season 1 was OK, but I like the improvements they made for Season 2. I have to admit that I’ve watched the intro for the series opener several times, even if only for The Hothouse Flowers cover of Sunshiny Day. I really like how they did that classic.
Oh, and I’m glad you’ve finally discovered orange Faygo.
WOOT WOOT
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that “blue lives matter” was a right wing thing about police and not a reference to the ICP song lyric “Fuck skin color, everybody’s blue
Then what would all these bigots do?
Instead of your tone, they’d hate your size
That’s why I must poke out all of their eyes”
FWIW, I for one appreciate the ICP reference to my Faygo comment. Wasn’t lost on me.
I still don’t like the celebrity segments. Although that may have more to do with my unfamiliarity with most of them.
They finally stopped the Celebrity Brain Crash bit, that wore thin pretty quickly. Unfortunately the boys have to work around the legal limitations brought about by Top Gear.
https://dailymotion.com/video/x2omlba
Fine watch. I need to go back and watch all that show as an adult. I suspect it will be infinitely rewarding, as opposed to most things you go back and watch as an adult. Also maybe Animaniacs
Same thing when I read Gulliver’s Travels after I was all growed up. Many of our childhood faves are a whole other story after a few years have passed.
You should see her kegel routine.
Kegels are super important for not peeing yourself when old or pregnant!
Now you tell me!
It’s never too late to work them thar peeing muscles!
It’s all about balance:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yx_fKg2Cn48