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Welcome to the Second Annual DFO Hate Week™, brought to you by the Minnesota Department of Tourism, collective disgust, and Slim Jims.
Tonight is the night where we reflect on the shitty state of the League, and all the events that have conspired to create a Super Bowl© that a majority of NFL fans have actually no interest in watching.
Before we get to that, I want to hammer home a point I believe is mostly shared by the majority of Commentists.
This MAGA anthem bullshit during the season. Never mind that Facebook and Twitter should only be used to show Mom how you’re doing and to stalk ex-girlfriends, actually going onto a team’s website to rail against the behaviour of the players actually empowers the team. Comments mean nothing; it’s page views that make the statement. Remember when Howard Stern became a big deal in the 90s?
That’s all the company cared about, and those numbers were used to jack ad rates.
Well, you MAGA “phuktards”, the Seahawks have a 68,000 person waiting list for season tickets, and each of those people paid $100 for that privilege. (The rumor is that the Seahawks agreed to play in London in 2018 as a road team so they didn’t have to give up a home date.) So I don’t think the Seahawks CARE ABOUT YOU or YOUR STUPID FAKE EMOTIONS concerning whether a 200 year-old song is played before a sporting event. Last time I checked, it wasn’t the NFLPA that caused the horrific conditions at veterans hospitals or worked to deny veterans the benefits they deserve for having selflessly served their country.
[FYI: according to Wikipedia, there are 10 teams with a season-ticket waiting list, and four listed as “unknown”. Given two of those unknowns are the Colts & Chargers, I’m going to say they don’t count because they are embarrassed to admit how many unsold tickets they have.]
But those clowns are going to watch the game anyway, because God’s chosen-fucking-team, the New England PATRIOTS!!1!1!, are playing and their owner, Robert Kraft, doesn’t tolerate such behaviour. “We’re red, white, and blue and our name is Patriots. How can you hate something like that?” he once said to Dan Patrick, on air, knowing he would be recorded. So these pseudo-patriotic drips have someone PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN to root for.
The owner during both Spygate & Deflategate, who got caught using illegals to clear snow at Foxboro, was named in the Paradise Papers, and forced Gronk to apologize for banging a porn star while he was getting over his late wife with a 32 year-old actress. You just watch – the day after these fuckers (hopefully don’t) win Patriots twitter, Boston Globe comments sections and WEEI message boards will be full of “Robert Kraft is the reason God-FACKIN’-Almighty shines His bright light down upon His chosen team…”
Oops; getting ahead of myself – Patriots Hate is Tuesday, Owners Hate is Wednesday.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah – the state of the League.
Beyond the whole anthem imbroglio, this year’s Deflategate was Ezekiel Elliott’s 6-game suspension for domestic violence, in that it dragged on all season, casting a pall over every Cowboys game and involved the federal courts. It then devolved into Jones attempting to delay ratification of Roger Goodell’s new contract, and choice headlines like “Jerry Jones told Roger Goodell he would make Patriots owner Bob Kraft look like a ‘p—-‘ in fighting Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension“.
Meanwhile, the man at the centre of the controversy
– no, not him
Roger Goodell was rewarded for his lickspittlery with a contract estimated at being upwards of $200 million for five years. In a world where Stormy Daniels got $130,000 for not saying anything about the affair she had with Trump that she already disclosed in 2011, it still stands out as a prime example of the HOLYFUCKAREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME?!1!?/! things that occurred in the League this year.
Then factor in the obvious blackballing of Colin Kaepernick by all 32 teams in the league. Dating back to March, stories have kept coming out about how teams with obvious needs don’t want to sign a player that causes division amongst NFL “fans”. It’s so obvious people in other leagues are noticing the inadequacy of the situation. Why, Baltimore even trotted out Stabby Ididntdoit to refute such inflammatory claims, and to point out how it is his own, or someone else’s, fault.
I can’t see why Ray Lewis would be upset; he got portrayed as the top.
Fans in Indianapolis should be demanding their money back from the Colts, because whoever thought Jacoby Brissett was the answer after Week-5 was fired, but the Colts knew going into the season they weren’t getting Luck back. That’s an obvious fraud. But before those types claim any money, their Twitters should be perused for any MAGA statements about not signing him because PROTESTS and ANTHEMS, which immediately disqualifies them. And then their hypocrisy should be laughed at by any and all.
Finally, the League ended the year with a sexual harassment scandal at the NFL Network, with Donovan McNabb, Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans among others named in a suit brought by a former Network employee who claims she was fired for protesting their behaviour towards her. Also named is Eric Weinberger, a former network executive producer and current president of Bill Simmons Media Group. She’s claiming wrongful termination. In addition to the harassment allegations, she further alleges that she was “aged out” of the network, in violation of the Fair Employment & Housing Act. The NFL “vehemently denies” these allegations, while the plantiff’s lawyer alleges this action may develop into a class-action lawsuit. But they have also suspended the individuals in question, and McNabb has been treated the same at ESPN. Somehow, this is the least-objectionable thing to have happened to 345 Park Avenue this year.
I’m not even going to get into the discussion about the rash of injuries this year, ongoing CTE issues, and what constitutes a fucking catch, because at this point I might not renew my season’s tickets. And that’s before I get a full dose of the Eagles & Patriots fans ahead of Sunday.
Why am I a fan again?