It seems every other time I’ve written these, I purposely exclude the EPL or talking about EPL teams.  Some people have said that I am biased against the EPL.  Those people are correct.  Let’s take a look at the matchups, one by one, and see why I’m so biased. All times Pacific.

4:30 AM

Southampton v Chelsea – The 18th place Soton Wranglers take on the Chelski Scum at home.  I’m only watching this if I wake up to take a dump and the remote is handy.

7:00 AM

Burnley v Leicester City – How the fuck is Burnley 7th?!?  And Leicester is 8th!  Shit, this might actually be a decent match!

Crystal Palace v Brighton & Hove Albion – I’ve always had a soft spot for CP, mainly because it sounds like a really cool club that once existed in the 80s where The Cure and The Smiths and Depeche Mode once played.

Huddersfield Town v Watford –  The home team sounds like it plays in the countryside and the team mascots are cows.  Watford sounds like the team of the Upper Class Twits of the Year.

Swansea City v Everton – Ok, why does every team have to have City or Town in their name?  I mean, we pretty much know all sports teams carry the name of the place where they play.  Is this essentially a grammatical dick-measuring contest?

9:30 AM

Liverpool v AFC Bournemouth – Jason Bourne likes the visitors but Emma Pool likes the home team.  Who ya got?

11:45 AM

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester City – This would have been the match of the day if City didn’t already have the league wrapped up and hadn’t collapsed so violently in the Champions League.  Essentially, these are two supposed-to-be-good teams with nothing to play for.  Boring.

And that’s your EPL slate.  Let’s compare that to the La Liga slate:

4:00 AM

Sevilla v Villarreal – A battle of 6th versus 7th with a Europa League berth on the line.  Yeah, this will be good.

7:15 AM

Barcelona v Valencia – First versus 3rd in the first game after Barcelona’s collapse against Roma.  Valencia has a real shot to finish 2nd if they win this one.  Another great game.

9:30 AM

Las Palmas v Real Sociedad – Ok, real talk.  What is up with all those “Made in Las Canarias” porn videos on Pornhub?  I’m sure you’ve noticed them.  Oh, I’m the only pervert in this place!  FINE!  Anyway, Las Palmas is in the Canarias…

Leganés v Celta de Vigo – Two mid-table teams that have the capability to surprise the big teams from time to time.  Might be worth a few minutes away from the Las Palmas porn to watch.

11:45 AM

Athletic Club v Deportivo La Coruña – As you may recall, I was able to watch a game in the VIP Area at the new San Mamés stadium in Bilbao (Athletic’s home) and it was amazing.

Watch this game for the beautiful stadium shots.  Too bad they don’t show the food…

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Now, isn’t that a much better way to spend your Saturday morning?  Besides having sex with your significant other, of course.

Ok, FINE!  Enjoy the games…