Your Saturday Morning Futbol Open Thread, Now with Moar EPL!

It seems every other time I’ve written these, I purposely exclude the EPL or talking about EPL teams.  Some people have said that I am biased against the EPL.  Those people are correct.  Let’s take a look at the matchups, one by one, and see why I’m so biased. All times Pacific.

4:30 AM

Southampton v Chelsea – The 18th place Soton Wranglers take on the Chelski Scum at home.  I’m only watching this if I wake up to take a dump and the remote is handy.

7:00 AM

Burnley v Leicester City – How the fuck is Burnley 7th?!?  And Leicester is 8th!  Shit, this might actually be a decent match!

Crystal Palace v Brighton & Hove Albion – I’ve always had a soft spot for CP, mainly because it sounds like a really cool club that once existed in the 80s where The Cure and The Smiths and Depeche Mode once played.

Huddersfield Town v Watford –  The home team sounds like it plays in the countryside and the team mascots are cows.  Watford sounds like the team of the Upper Class Twits of the Year.

Swansea City v Everton – Ok, why does every team have to have City or Town in their name?  I mean, we pretty much know all sports teams carry the name of the place where they play.  Is this essentially a grammatical dick-measuring contest?

9:30 AM

Liverpool v AFC Bournemouth – Jason Bourne likes the visitors but Emma Pool likes the home team.  Who ya got?

11:45 AM

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester City – This would have been the match of the day if City didn’t already have the league wrapped up and hadn’t collapsed so violently in the Champions League.  Essentially, these are two supposed-to-be-good teams with nothing to play for.  Boring.

And that’s your EPL slate.  Let’s compare that to the La Liga slate:

4:00 AM

Sevilla v Villarreal – A battle of 6th versus 7th with a Europa League berth on the line.  Yeah, this will be good.

7:15 AM

Barcelona v Valencia – First versus 3rd in the first game after Barcelona’s collapse against Roma.  Valencia has a real shot to finish 2nd if they win this one.  Another great game.

9:30 AM

Las Palmas v Real Sociedad – Ok, real talk.  What is up with all those “Made in Las Canarias” porn videos on Pornhub?  I’m sure you’ve noticed them.  Oh, I’m the only pervert in this place!  FINE!  Anyway, Las Palmas is in the Canarias…

Leganés v Celta de Vigo – Two mid-table teams that have the capability to surprise the big teams from time to time.  Might be worth a few minutes away from the Las Palmas porn to watch.

11:45 AM

Athletic Club v Deportivo La Coruña – As you may recall, I was able to watch a game in the VIP Area at the new San Mamés stadium in Bilbao (Athletic’s home) and it was amazing.

Watch this game for the beautiful stadium shots.  Too bad they don’t show the food…

***

Now, isn’t that a much better way to spend your Saturday morning?  Besides having sex with your significant other, of course.

Ok, FINE!  Enjoy the games…

 

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

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rockingdog
rockingdog

Found a funny:
Pitcher: *throws a ball*
Umpire: Ball four. Walk!
Audience (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s amazing that so much sports action is happening today yet all I want to do is take a nap.

King Hippo

Ice Donks are fucking awesome when 2 goals behind!

King Hippo

Sheep Shaggers pulled out a win in the dying embers, and Fulham lost their 1-nil lead in added time.

PRAY FOAR LITRE.

/and also fer the sheep of Cardiff I guess ,, smh

SonOfSpam

Watching the Galaxy game on Univision. I’m way too lazy to figure out SAP, so I’m watching the game in Spanish. Learned a couple things about the Galaxy:

1) They have a player named Feltscher.
2) The announcers said about Feltscher, “Él chupa su culo”

I assume they were praising Feltscher?

King Hippo

everyone praises felching ,, imo godbless

theeWeeBabySeamus

Complimenting his flexibility, obviously.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I relearned a valuable lesson last night: Malort makes me puke.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

YOU NEED TO DRINK MORE OF IT RIGHT AWAY

theeWeeBabySeamus

My cute little Asian supermarket checkout girl is almost ready.

I resisted today because the store was too busy. She giggled with me again, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!!!! Because I’m fucking charming as shit. But the store was full of rednecks buying Saturday night booze and she was too busy for me to schmooze her properly today.

/admittedly was one of the rednecks buying Saturday night booze

BUT OH YES SHE WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Also…Hooray foar no moar pants tonight.

King Hippo

Raheem Sterling gon’ Raheem Sterling.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m headed to one of those “kill wealthy dowager” type parties tonight. If my wife was better about picking up Simpsons references I’d wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie until she objected and then slink away saying “I wish I was Sipowicz…”

King Hippo

uuuugggggghhhh

Why didn’t Wonger stay in for defensing?

King Hippo

My $31-ish bet on the draw here (City/Spurs) ain’t looking great. But City’s confidence is still tissue paper.

King Hippo

Dunno, pulled one back!

/right before I put $10 on Spurs at +2500 ,, smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We took a vote and it’s unanimous….

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Horatio Cornblower

Sill?

King Hippo

get real, ain’t nobody willing to touch HWSNBN

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

So, do I want to go buy beer badly enough to actually put on pants?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Depends on what your penis looks like.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, it doesn’t look good enough to get me free beer. Not anymore, anyway.

So I better put on pants I guess.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You might go with a kilt……

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I don’t know that much about art, but I know what I like.

theeWeeBabySeamus

WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?????

– J. Pollock

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit. That’s awesome. Cannot stop giggling.

Hey honey, put on your spiky boots and a little black dress and go sit on the hood of that shitty rusted out car beside our shitty cabin with no ‘lectricity and no running water. I want to test the new camera!!!!!

I’m presuming this is Russia or some other reasonable facsimile Eastern Blok country.

Horatio Cornblower

GIS says it is from a “funny Russian dating site”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fair enough. She did get the “funny” part right.

Hey, let’s go to Chernobyl and get some good candids for your profile.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One has to create art with what one has.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Very true. But her attire doesn’t exactly go with the setting.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mixed messages can here its own message.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s noon, people.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

/checks breath

Hey. I know this great churrasquería. It’s run by Real Madrid fans, so we could stab together.

/leans on wall

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I’m not saying the time limits your options; I’m saying that it can free up your options.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I like her. She seems smrt.

😛

(plus free pool access)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

LMAO – NBC showing typical Redshite loser whooping it up in the crowd, and we got a full ass crack shot!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, why the hell aren’t the Caps/Jackets playing tonight???

That’s some bullshit.

King Hippo

Have you heard of Gary Bettman?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought he was a myth. Like Santa Claus. Or Satan.

Horatio Cornblower

or the female orgasm.

King Hippo

the say what now??

Gratliff

What fascinating weather we have here. Neighborhoods being flooded out while an ice storm has shut down travel across the entirety of mid-Michigan. This is exactly what I expected for mid-April

Gratliff

All The Warnings
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Could be worse. You could have wall-climbing zombies.
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Gratliff

Gotta save something for the summer

theeWeeBabySeamus

/looks outside
//locks doors just in case

King Hippo

Bayern is nice to GAMBLOR upon. Especially when they go down a goal at home.

King Hippo

In fairness to Herr Balls, I am watching Bayern/NAWT even gonna try to spell it over the Premiership game this window. Intense shit, these sides flying all over the pitch.

King Hippo

Fellow recluse shout-out!

King Hippo

also:

King Hippo

my GAWD, ppls. GAMBLOR is soooooo much fun. I was waaaaayyyy down, but I stuck with my Lesser Footy system, and both Genoa and Fenerbahce won their first halves, netting me almost $1100. If the #BFIB are up after 5 against shit-ass Brandon Finnegan, I will be over $2K even if my Cherries draw/win bets don’t hit.

In summation, WOO!!!!

King Hippo

now MOAR than EVAR – up teh Cherries!!

yeah right

Watch for the equalizer around the 87 minute mark. It’s a Cherries trademark.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I guess I should stop screwing with CenturyLink and go do what I intended to do today.

Plant some marijuana.

Yes, I’m serious.

Horatio Cornblower

theeWeeBabySeamus

In all seriousness, my redneck family has a long history of moonshining. Still ongoing, actually. Allegedly.

My uncle has hit dementia to the point he can’t really do it anymore though, and wanted to pass it over to me.

Fuck that. My mom would murderize me.

Horatio Cornblower

Isn’t “moonshine” practically legal now? You can’t walk into any sort of liquor store without seeing 4-5 different brands of things labeled ‘moonshine’

Senor Weaselo

It’s my last lessons before all my students have their statewide audition performance whatever the fuck it is. And because I teach Long Island kids it’s serious business. And nobody will be home because Padre Weaselo’s on the motorcycle, Madre Weaselo’s at my cousin’s store opening (hey Horatio, you by Wallingford at all?).

What I’m saying is at about 5:00 Senor gon DRANK.

Horatio Cornblower

Got family in Wallingford. I’m about an hour away.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Padre Weaselo sounds like a bad mamma jamma fwiw.
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rockingdog
rockingdog

day movie+day drinking?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey!!!! CenturyLink!!!! Yeah, it’s me again.

I just ran a speed test. Guess what I got? .09 mbps.

Not 9. Not even .9.

Point. Zero. Nine.

You better get your asses out here before Tuesday.

Senor Weaselo

That’s not even 100 kbps!

bk109
bk109

That’s a reaaaaaally pitiful speed even for North Nonesuchistan, India these days… :p

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe…Inorite? Lemme break out my Commodore 64!!!!

Or better yet, my Fiona Apple II.

rockingdog
rockingdog

slept in. missed the Chelsea match.
Whooooo! Chelsea win!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Somewhere, Litre_Cola just got a boner.

bk109
bk109

Don’t worry, this too shall pass… that said, don’t pick up the soap until the all-clear siren just in case 😉

King Hippo

Sheep Shaggers are nil-nil in the 87th minute!

Horatio Cornblower

OK, it’s nearly 70 here for the first time since, well, actually there that one day in February, BUT I DIGRESS!!, so I need to get outside and finish some chores.

First and foremost being actually filing my taxes. Those replacement missiles aren’t gonna pay for themselves!

theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re gonna go outside to finish your taxes?

Horatio Cornblower

Had to drive to the accountant’s office. I farmed the actual doing of the taxes out once Mrs. Cornblower started selling real estate on commission

theeWeeBabySeamus

Them 1099s are a bitch.

King Hippo

a catchy song shaming menfolk FOAR being the scum we are!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Like them a lot. Plus….
There is nothing better than a good lie.

King Hippo

got $80 Ameri-quid in on Leverkeusen literally 1.5 seconds before the line went off the board for their goal (+175)

King Hippo

posting yet again, because AWESOME

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mom: It’s nice today. I think Imma go work in the garden.

Me: *snicker* You need any help? I’m very good at hoe’ing.

Mom: No, I think I want to hoe by myself today.

Me: [stifled laughter]

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think Imma start drinking again today.
I find that being sober is very boring.

scotchnaut

Drink for the two of us-I’ve got ‘responsibilities’* today. smgdh.

*they’re 15 and 13 and their mom is nowhere to be found, what with her fancy-schmancy ‘social life’ and everything.

King Hippo

give them each a $20 and tell them to fuck off

#FatherOfTehYear

scotchnaut

Eh, I’m probably overdue for a drunk-less Saturday. But you can GAMBLOR that I’ll be right back at it tommorah.

King Hippo

Let’s face it – our addictions are all we really have left.

scotchnaut

/on the phone

Me: “You hang up first.”

Bottle of Scotch: “No, you hang up.”

Me: “I’m not going to-you hang up.”

Bottle of Scotch: “Honey, I’ve got to go but you have to hang up.”

Me: “Bunny Rabbit, I’ll never hang up on you.”

etc., etc.,

King Hippo

FUCK everything, I forgot to get moneys in on Burnley.

King Hippo

also, FOAR Litre. cheer for Norwich to get a result v. the Sheep Shaggers.

King Hippo

Have to make up for lost GAMBLOR time, since yesterday was Friday the 13th and all.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s nipply out here.

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scotchnaut

“Look at the girl on those tits!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Did you guys know that televised Premier League Darts is a thing?

smgdh

King Hippo

the Brits will watch damn near anything, it seems

Horatio Cornblower

Said the idiots sitting at home watching soccer and talking to each other on the internet about it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite? And it’s a SRO crowd in a huge damned arena too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Right now, the bald guy with no eyebrows is getting his ass kicked by the ZZ Top looking guy with the dreadlock mullet.

King Hippo

eat THAT, Saints! Chelski down 2-nil at the 65′, gets 3 in 13 minutes.

o wen the Saints! Go matching down!!

King Hippo

I mean, we pretty much know all sports teams carry the name of the place where they play.

nae Everton!!

This is an outlier season for the Premiership, as it is the most dogshit as it has been since I have started following the Lesser Footy. Time will tell if an aberration or a leading indicator.

For pure passion, depth of skill, and competitiveness, I think Bundesliga is probably actually the best, if I had just managed to get into it.