Your “A Whole Lot Of Pomp For Very Little Circumstance” Thursday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Brandon Marshall is no longer a NY Football Giant.
    • Days after saying there was “no room for Dez”, the Giants have claimed a failed physical for the move, freeing up almost $6.0 million in cap space ahead of the Draft.
Tellingly, the first gif you find is a dropped pass.
  • Well, this is a dropped shoe – Tom Brady wants to “discuss” his contract situation before the season starts.
    • He’s due $14 million, and somehow Kirk Cousins is getting $22.5 million as a base salary.
      • So, I can understand why Dreamboat might want to have a chat with Robert Kraft.
  • Head’s up Bears fans – Monday, April 23rd:
    • Devin Hester & Matt Forte are scheduled to sign one-day contracts & retire as Chicago Bears.
      • Both spent 8 years each with the Bears, before moving on to other teams.
        • Forte stands second behind Walter Payton in most Bears rushing categories.
  • Because it’s schedule release day, and to take advantage of the overseas time difference, the times and dates for the 2018 NFL International Series games in London were announced Thursday morning.
    • Seattle Seahawks vs. Oakland Raiders, Tottenham stadium, Oct. 14 at 1 p.m. ET (FOX)
    • Tennessee Titans vs. Los Angeles Chargers, Wembley Stadium, Oct. 21 at 9:30 a.m. ET (CBS)
    • Philadelphia Eagles vs. Jacksonville Jaguars, Wembley Stadium, Oct. 28 at 9:30 a.m. ET (NFL Network)
  • In conjunction with the International schedule release, Jacksonville unveiled their new uniforms today.
    • Honestly, I don’t care, but am happy they went away from that stupid two-colour deal they were doing with the helmet.

   

  • News that’s not news: the [*Redacted] s are considered the worst-run franchise in the NFL.
    • FINALLY, a category where the Browns aren’t last. Second-last, but not last.

Finally, in news that will comfort him after he’s injured in Week 6, JJ Watt was named to TIME’s 100 most influential people poll.

  • Because he raised $37 million for Hurricane Harvey relief.
  • On TIME’s website, they have him as a “leader”, listed between Sean Hannity and Robert Mueller.

Meanwhile, Puerto Rico’s fragile infrastructure suffered an island-wide power outage yesterday, seven months after Hurricane Maria.

At least they have plenty of paper towels.

In a story that wouldn’t seem out of line with Maestro’s Mysteries, Deadspin weaves a fantastical tale about why the Seahawks have cut so many guys that they only have nine guys left from their Super Bowl XLI season.

The less said about that, the better.

It all comes down to what I’m calling “The Case of the Expired Anecdotes”.

It seems ol’ Petey had run out of motivational tales & stories for the players, who then began tuning him out in the locker room. Most famously, this is where the story about Michael Bennett reading books during meetings came from, and that his cut wasn’t just a cap maneuver. Richard Sherman noted that Carroll was perhaps “more used to coaching in college and turning over his entire roster every four years.”

All I know is that I paid full price for season’s tickets to a team that’s staring 8-8 in the face if they’re lucky.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • 2018 NFL Schedule Release Presented by Verizon – 8:00PM | NFL Network
  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Leafs – 7:00PM | NBCSN / CBC (Bruins lead 2-1)
    • Capitals at Blue Jackets – 7:30PM | USA / Sportsnet (CBJ leads 2-1)
  • NBA:
    • 76ers at Heat – 7:00PM | TNT / TSN
    • Warriors at Spurs – 9:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Yankees – 6:30PM | Sportsnet1
    • no national US broadcasts

Seamus has you tomorrow for 4/20. I can’t imagine what he’ll bring.

 

HEYYYYYYYYYYY, SEXY LADY!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Senor Weaselo

So the Jets had an… innovative way of showing their schedule. Now we’re gonna put 60 seconds on the clock after watching the video, and GO!
http://www.newyorkjets.com/videos/videos/Take-a-Ride-Through-the-2018-Schedule/6bb665d7-b1ee-422b-846c-24be55a9f59a

Redshirt
Brick Meathook

So at work today we’re having a photo shoot with big-titted super-models, and they won’t give me a break. Can’t a guy finish a NYTimes crossword puzzle without constantly having his dick sucked by big-titted super-models? This is almost as bad as when I worked at the sex farm.

WCS

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King Hippo

The Dirt Leafs suck hobo cock and you should NEVAR GAMBLOR upon them. River Plate came through at +300, so at least I made $70 on my ridiculous foray into sudamericano Lesser Footy this evening.

Spur

Steelers vs Bengals Week 17. 1 game suspensions here we come.

Redshirt

Just remember, when the Bengals do it its dirty, when the Steelers do it, its clean.

...

Related to my comment on the Niners: Why do the Bills get only one prime time game and end up hosting Patriots to scramble their innards?

Unsurprised

Last one.

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WCS

Who needs teeth, lips, sinuses, a nose anyway?

Senor Weaselo

The Mythbusters approve!
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Spur

Great, Cowboys get the [*Redacted] s for Thanksgiving. I’ll be in Texas this year too. I’m sure the Cowboys will fuck up the holiday.

...

Why in the ever living fuck are the 49ers on Sunday Night twice?

Unsurprised

Someone brained their damage.

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WCS

To get the Jimmy G Experience!

King Hippo

You ever hear of the glass ceiling, Mister Man?? #Phallocracy

Unsurprised

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...

They went with a nice batch of mostly mean divisional rivalries for Thanksgiving, which I approve of.

King Hippo

YES. We all deserve this break from our families.

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

Good patience, eh, Dirt Leafs??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Does anyone remember that article Magary used to post about how your team is definitely going 12-4 this year, and breaks down the schedule in general terms. I can’t find it.

Spur

Finally the Cowboys don’t play the Giants opening weekend.

...

Bears open on Sunday night in Green Bay. Awesome. Let’s get the national humiliation out of the way early.

...

Ahahaha. And a Thanksgiving Day game at the Lions. Just get out the ballgag and paddle my ass beet red.

Unsurprised

Would it be crass to post Death laughing again?

...

Honestly, it would fit with my entire philosophy toward my Bears fandom.

King Hippo

I put moneys on the Bearistocrats! to win the Superb Owl. The odds were incredibly favourable.

...

I mean, it’s the sort of long bet I’d take if I ever bothered to gamble.

Unsurprised

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Raiders have to play the fucking Rams first. In Oakland. Nothing like getting your expectations blown to shreds in front of your home fans.

King Hippo

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!

Spur

Folks

...

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!

Or just the NFL schedule.

litre_cola

I am not much on the “Association” but these Sixers Heat games have been fantastic. Dwanye is playing for sex.

litre_cola

.

King Hippo

How much is the cake baked on the Caps being suck-ass chokers? Betting this fucker to go to OT at 0-2 with 8 left in the 2nd only pays 4:1. To lose in regulation? Just 14:1.

FUCK hockey gambling. Dunno how Litre does it.

litre_cola

I have stopped in the playoffs until the Ice Bombers get knocked out. Bad juju.

King Hippo

Anybody else got #ACTION on the Copa Libertadores? $30 on River Plate, because Everton’s weirdo CB Ramiro Funes Mori is from there, and $20 on Universidad de Chile because their badge is sweet.

/first half only bets because Hippo has new Lesser Footy system he been working to good effect

Redshirt

2018 is shaping up to be one hell of a year.

http://rajah.com/node/61841

Gratliff

Me, After first bullet point: I wonder if this crazy fuck had something to do with the gunshots from a while back.
Second bullet point: “police were called and Montalvo was actually shot at and charged with multiple offenses.”
Third bullet point: “One of the company’s claims is that he has threatened to use his own semen in a biological attack.”

The rare quick, but also totally reasonable escalation.

Gratliff

Didn’t see this. May have been posted. Posting it anyway. Fight me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwVOmTImfLA

Spur

I really liked the 1st season. Kuntar!

Unsurprised

I like Betty Gilpin. Maybe Alison Brie will show her tits again.

Spur

Kate Nash was a revelation

Redshirt

Experts: “So who is going to be the first manager to be let go in this ear….
Reds: “FIRST!”

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/mlb/reds/2018/04/19/cincinnati-reds-fire-manager-bryan-price-name-jim-riggleman-interim-manager/531563002/

...

Oh hell yeah. One ex-Cubs manager is never enough.

litre_cola

Eagles line week one is -3.5 v the Falcons.

King Hippo

Home?

King Hippo

/wait, guess would have to be, since Dakota Jeebus likely not back, so they wouldn’t be favoured in ATL

litre_cola

HE WILL BE BACK

King Hippo

I set the over/under on Week 4, Buddy-Guy

litre_cola

UNDER! Please UNDER,

Senor Weaselo

Why is Aaron Boone bringing Dellin Betances in against Toronto with a one-run lead?

King Hippo

I had hoped cashing my Dirt Leafs bet, but nay

Redshirt

So at work three years ago, I was transferred to another plant as a Promotion. I packed up my stuff and uprooted myself to help start the new plant.

However the new plant will ill led by incompetent leadership, lack of planning, lack of focus, and below the bottom of the barrel employees. The only thing it did was cost the company money, cause us to lose several of our customers and eventually I was recalled back home with my Promotion taken away. It was partially because they knew the new place was failing but they didn’t want to risk losing me to someone else, and also, because the people they hired to replace me screwed up my job beyond recognition so I went from one dumpster fire to another, while having to move all my stuff…again!

So I walked into the plant to see one of the dumbass’s who lead the Titanic into the iceberg at full speed sitting in my boss’s seat. Its a good thing I was tired. For a second, I thought they fired my boss and replaced him with one of the people responsible for the sad state the company is in and I would’ve done something that would’ve ended with me being lead away in handcuffs.

King Hippo

Yet you’re not on team #BloodInTehStreets, still??

Redshirt

No. I’m the type of guy who stirs up shit, makes popcorn, sits back and watches the fun.

King Hippo

as a Shoulder Devil, I respect that. Game recognize game, yo.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, going out for birthday dinner with Lady BFC, try not to burn down the clubhouse while I’m out.

Senor Weaselo

So no juggling burning bowling pins?
/Reaches for fire extinguisher

Unsurprised

YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

(I’m going to set this place on fire with everyone in it.)

litre_cola

If you stand around the outside you will get contact high from our stashes.

Redshirt

(Next Day Press Conference)

Firefighter Chief: “Three squads showed up to combat the fire, but suddenly they were compelled to sit in a circle debating how different life would be if our thumbs was on the outside part of our hands.”

litre_cola

This made me laugh out loud. Extra Skyline for you tonight sir!

Unsurprised

They also made Smores over the fire.

King Hippo

Unsurprised Reacts Reasonably

Redshirt

But this Charizard followed me home from school! And I’m keeping him!

King Hippo
JustStopDude

So Monday I have to give training to a bunch of customers from Chile. I had been fighting with my management to get me a native Spanish speaker, preferably from South America because 1) technical training is difficult and its important to make sure my concepts get through and 2) my Spanish is Chicano/Northern Mexico. There is fucking differences.

So my coworker they are loaning me for next week finally showed up today from the field.

Its my buddy Jorge.

He is from Panama.

His Spanish is fucking worse than mine. When i explained he was there to correct my Spanish during the class, he just got wide eyed.

Next week should be fun.

litre_cola

When encountering things such as this I resort to play acting. Worked in Bulgaria!

Wakezilla

When in doubt, hire an attractive woman to wear something skimpy to do charades. They’ll understand you just fine.

Brick Meathook

Just talk louder.

litre_cola

I will be attending Eagles v Fulham Jags Oct 28, was just waiting for the date. Will there be 2 BOTG’S? You are god damned right there will be. EPL on Saturday and NFL at Wembley on Sunday.

King Hippo

Yinz get a pretty good fixture, even!

litre_cola

Going with 3 Irish lads and a Bermudian who is a Bears fan! International debauchery!

ballsofsteelandfury

WOOOO!!!

Wakezilla

God damnit, Ice Buckeyes. Get your shit together! You’re losing to a team that rolls over and dies as if they’re receiving blankets from pilgrims for the first time!

Senor Weaselo

*whispers in Wakezilla’s ear* Wrong Washington team

scotchnaut

Really wish I could stay up with you guys and fuck around verbally. Somehow, some way, the goddamn 5:30am EST wake up time rears its ugly goddamn head every Monday to Friday every goddamn week.

/Nighters!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As I said last night, fuck eastern time

Unsurprised

I’m going to laugh my ass off when Donald Trump gets the goddamn Nobel Peace Prize.

Redshirt

If Trump somehow brokers peace between N. and S. Korea and leads to genuine reform of N. Korea, I’ll rupture something important and vital.

JustStopDude

I honestly don’t see how he could achieve much. Even a peaceful unification would have devastating consequences to the global economy, though of course, it would be better than a shooting solution.

The Sunshine Policy of the past won’t even work because its becoming so difficult for the DPRK to control information coming across the border that a peaceful investment to try and raise the standard of living in the north would have the potential to destabilize the regime.

No one can afford the North to collapse.

Wakezilla

Well, if Obama can win one..

JustStopDude

Richard Sherman noted that Carroll was perhaps “more used to coaching in college and turning over his entire roster every four years.”

How fucking long has Sherman be in the league? He does realize that the average NFL career is 3.3 years right? That’s not their time on the same team…that is their total fucking career.

This is like the dumbest fucking mindset in sports to have, especially in the NFL. The game was four years ago.

Fucking coaches in the NFL better be used to turning over an entire roster every four years…

Unsurprised
Redshirt

Of course we end at Pittsburgh. I see God hasn’t forgiven us for breaking His greatest creation in the ’90-’91 Playoffs.

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

Is it too early to start planning my 2018 keepers based on this schedule release? Also, can I bet on it??

Redshirt

Just remember that PIT-CIN is a bloodbath. Assume there will be injuries and suspensions the weeks after.

King Hippo

WOOHOO! I don’t has any of them! I know I will use my best keeper slots on 2/3 of Gurley Man and the Watson/Hopkins combo, after that it’s a matter of what to do with David Johnson, Gronk, or some Wild Card, bitches.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I try and stay away from an early release.

JustStopDude

I want the Caps to win, just to see if Trump invites them to the White House or he freaks out because of Alex Ovechkin is going to show up and he is afraid of being seen as a Russian plant.

Unsurprised

I cannot fathom him giving a shit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A piss, on the other hand…

WCS

Pens, too.
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Redshirt

(the AFC North teams waiting for the schedule release)

Pittsburgh Steelers (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Cincinnati Bengals (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Baltimore Ravens (thinking): “Please end with Cleveland. Please end with Cleveland.”
Cleveland Browns (thinking): ♪ “The girl from Ipanema goes walking / And when she passes, each one she passes / Goes “A-a-a-h”” ♫

King Hippo

oh, it can’t be you silly. They would NEVAR make the Murder Bowl be Week 17, in case it doesn’t mean anything worth masturbating over for Al and Cris.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This was delightful and although it cannot fit on the banner, it belongs there.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Big shock that an NFL team doesn’t want its players to read.

Unsurprised

Then you’d think U*NC would be a more popular recruiting grounds.

JustStopDude

So that ICO I mentioned yesterday…people figured out where the guy took his twitter photo.

Well now the CEO is claiming they played a joke on their investors as a warning to how easy it would be for their $50 million USD to disappear if they tried to run a scam on everyone.

Fucking crypto-currencies are hilarious!

WCS

Dude on Wheel o’ Fortune just won $10k in cash, a car, and a trip to Belize in the same round. Over $38k total, in one round.

King Hippo

Tis a shame he won’t get to enjoy it after, y’know…Belize

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s unBelizeable

King Hippo

the Ice Footbaw “action” has been turrible, and the best #BFIB starter got shellacked at the World’s Largest Outdoor Urinal today. And I was on the phone for work pretty much continuously from 4-7:15.

On the plus side, I went up like $500 in GAMBLOR today. PRAISE BE!!

Unsurprised

Chip Kelly’s fantasy.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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WCS

I know our Canadiaun friends around here loathe the Leafs, but, seriously, FACK BAWSTAHN.

King Hippo

ah have caught myself chanting “Go Leafs Go!!” a few times.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Canadiaun’s not liking leafs? That can’t be right. I mean, did you even READ Baking with Litre?

litre_cola

Fuck those guys. It will be bliss when they are out and Winnipeg is still in.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Fitting that the Football Clippers will give up a home game to play in London. There isn’t a doubt in my mind they will sell more tickets there than they would’ve at Legal Scalping Center.

King Hippo

HEY PAL, that’s “low-rent minor league Lesser Footy ground”

/forgets this ain’t Saturday

//fuck me, one more day of annoying developer calls to come

Unsurprised

Hello, Boys.

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scotchnaut

If Horatio is going to Fox on The Run all the time, I’m going to Under The Pressure a few times. It’s eleven minutes long but don’t try to pretend that your time is that precious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S3_WyaEqwk

King Hippo

that is indeed beautiful. whatsit about ALL TEH TIME? (I tried to share this with, and thus reach out to asshole vegan teenager, asked her what she thought the next day and she said “oh, I forgot”):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-N6jfO5NOQ

JustStopDude

I’m sorry…I know the [*Redacted] s are a mess…but in the modern fucking era, you cannot go 0-16 and not be the worst team in the league until you win a FUCKING REGULAR SEASON GAME!

Every fucking year the Browns “win” the fucking off season.

John Dorsey is getting WAY to much credit for future success…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well that, but just how in ANYONE’S mind are the 49ers the “best negotiators” when they got GAROPPOLO FEVER and gave Jimmy G the highest contract in the NFL after not even playing a full season?!

King Hippo

#BackFatVindication

scotchnaut

Hawiian?, Hawwayan?, Hiaywain?, Hawbain?, Hoebaylan? pizza with green olives? TOTALLY YUMMERS!

/not really, but my kid likes it

scotchnaut

I gave the guy a $10 tip because I worked in the service industry for 11 years and I feel morally obligated to over-compensate for all the shitheads out there that don’t understand how things work.

JustStopDude

Fucking doctors and lawyers…worst tippers on the planet…

scotchnaut

“Everyone who earns a Masters or PhD degree should be obligated to spend one year as a taxi driver or bartender.”

/can’t remember who said it but I came across it several years ago and still agree

Unsurprised

In this economy, they are probably spending more than one year as one or both.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

A while back, I said something to the extent that everyone should be forced to work in the food or other service industry for a year in their life so they know how the fuck to treat their fellow man/woman. But that’s a good start.